Diary of a babydyke

A Night Off

2011-03-16T21:50:00.006+01:00

Two days ago I decided to not go to my 3-hour night class and stay at home instead. It had been an exhausting weekend, studying for a big test and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with breakups. I just needed a break and some time away from my ex, who is taking the same class. So I stayed home with only the slightest guilty conscience.

What did I do with my amazing free time, you ask? Well, for one, I watched an episode of "Supernanny" (current reality-TV-obsession, she's hot!) and took a long, relaxing shower. I did, however, also vacuum, clean the bathroom and do all the dishes. And it felt so good. With everything that has been going on, house work has not been at the top of my list of things to do, but I always get antsy when I don't clean for a while. I can't stand the apartment being dirty. I grew up in a house that was cleaned bottom to top at least once a week and so not vacuuming for more than a week is already horrible for me. I wish I could have just relaxed and sat back for three hours and done absolutely nothing, but at least I had the time to clean. If I hadn't, it would have had to wait til the weekend, and I knew I would be bugged by it all week then. So I stayed home from class to clean up! I'm such a typical college student, living the high life....

Break-up wise, things are going okay-ish. My ex is trying to make things better by saying she will stay with me so that I can be happy, but that really isn't what I want. Sure, I want her to be with me and for us to be happy, but I only want her to be with me because she loves me, is in love with me and actually wants to be with me. I feel like if she keeps trying to stay with me for my sake, I won't get a chance to let go of her, get over her and move on. So right now, I'm trying really hard to not imagine a future in which we are together. Because as much as I want that to happen, it probably won't. Not if she is head over heels in love with somebody else. So that is hard - telling her I don't want to be with her when I do, because she doesn't want to be with me.

I am also ambivalent about how I feel about the woman my ex fell for. She used to be my teacher and now is my ex's teacher. I liked her a lot both as a teacher and a person and I'd love to hang out with her, but I feel like I can't. First of all, she gets along great with my ex and I didn't have that kind of a connection with her. We talked, but we weren't close the way my ex and her are. Also, even though I know it's not her fault at all, I still have some resentment towards her. I don't want to, but I just can't help feel like if she weren't so awesome, my ex wouldn't have fallen for her. It is stupid to feel that way, but I still do sometimes.

So I have a lot to figure out. But, thankfully, I'm still in therapy!

It's over

2011-03-12T14:27:00.003+01:00

Two years. That is how long my first serious relationship lasted. Two years and two months. Plus a few days. So many things to say, I find it hard to even put one thought into words.

I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.

There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."

I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.

Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.

Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.

I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.

A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.

Leaving the nest

2011-01-10T00:44:00.002+01:00

On Tuesday, I am going back to California and I probably won't be coming back home to visit for at least a year, if not longer. I did get a little sentimental thinking about this, because even though I don't want to live here anymore, I still enjoy visiting and being with friends and my parents. Despite some problems and disagreements, I have a really good relationship with my parents. It's not perfect, but there is a lot of love and also mutual respect.

The other thing about leaving home is that I can still be a little bit of a child when I am here. I don't have to worry about cooking lunch or who will wash the dishes or bills or any of these grown-up things. And even though I am very much a grown-up now and take care of all these things, when I am here, I can just shut off a little and relax for a while. I just wish that I could stay here a little bit longer.

Life doesn't come easy

2011-01-08T17:28:00.004+01:00

Sometimes, life just seems so hard and so much. Over the course of the last semester, I sometimes had the feeling that the simple act of living was too much. There are so many things that make life difficult and so little was easy. There is the saying that good things don't come easy and are worth fighting for, but I just wish that some parts of my life weren't such a struggle. I'm okay fighting for certain things, but it would be nice to have some things just come easy, like school or friendships.

I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.

Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.

This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.

I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.

With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.

[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]

So much uncertainty

2010-07-30T23:01:00.005+02:00

I mentioned in my last post that me and my girlfriend probably had a place to live when we got back to Cali. Now it turns out that we are not going to be living there because they want the co-signer to be present for signing the contract and we don't have a co-signer who would be able to be present. It is really difficult for us to get an apartment because we don't work (yet) and get our support from our parents. It sucks because we did pay rent without a problem for 5 months and still no landlord is willing to give us a chance and prove that we can and will pay.

I understand that landlords want a certain kind of security, but when I think about all the people who work who gamble/are addicts or have other kinds of problems and who don't pay their rent it makes me very mad that nobody is willing to even give us a chance. The only people willing to give us a chance are crooks who just want to rip us off. I really hope that we will find a place soon once we get back, because all this uncertainty is very bad for us - both in our relationship and individually. It adds so much stress and negative energy, because we both know that we have nowhere to go. I don't have any family out there and my girlfriend's family us absolutely unwilling to help us - to the point where they won't even co-sign for an apartment.

Warning: depressed post below

2010-07-25T23:28:00.004+02:00

I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I get these phases sometimes, during which I just want to sleep all the time and do nothing and just lay around - almost like little depressed phases. I'm in one of those right now and it sucks, because I have so much stuff to do.

I might have mentioned that I'm taking a math class right now, which relies on self-motivation because it is all online. I'm at a point where I need to know all the stuff I have learned so far to keep going and I'm noticing that the fast pace is making me unsure in certain areas. I have never been great at math and so right now my head is swimming in all the things I've heard/learned before, but never really knew well. So far I've been doing pretty well, but this week I didn't put in enough work and even though the deadline is approaching, I'm still not motivated AT ALL.

On top of that, I'm working all day tomorrow and the day after that. I got a part-time/freelance kind of job doing interviews for a market research company. The job is super-boring, because you do the same interview over and over and over again - seriously, every 30 minutes for 10 hours a day - and they barely pay minimum wage. The only reason I'm even doing it is because I need the money for the apartment in the US. It sucks when you have an associates degree in business and are on your way to getting a second associates degree, yet the only part-time job you seem to get is boring and barely worth it. I don't know how other people work minimum-wage jobs all their lives, but I know I couldn't do that. I need a challenge in my job.

I was doing fairly well up until a few days ago, when all the difficult things from living in the US caught up with me again. We are moving into a new apartment which is super-far away from college and there are a thousand things that still need to be taken care of. I wish that just one part about my life would get a little bit easier, but it doesn't look like it will. Our living situation is difficult, school is awesome because I get to do what I like but at the same time so much work because I'm trying to keep a 4.0, our relationship is not always easy and it seems we never have any money. I don't even want to complain because we are mostly healthy and will hopefully have a place to live and the privilege of going to school, but at the same time I just wish that the basic things in life wouldn't be such a struggle.

Song stuck in my head

2010-07-22T18:24:00.001+02:00

For the past day and a half, this song has been stuck in my head. My girlfriend played it for me once after we had had a bad fight and it is a song that means something to us, a song we sometimes play for each other when we can't say sorry well enough on our own.

Great friends = great support

2010-07-22T17:57:00.007+02:00

Having seen almost all of my friends by now, and talking to them about some of the difficulties I face in loving a person with a horrible past and emotional problems, I was reminded by how good friends they were. They didn't judge, they didn't tell me to get out of a relationship that was at times difficult and the one thing Ms. K and Ms. L both said was 'As long as you are also looking out for yourself and you're still taking care of yourself,...' It is easy to judge other people. It is easy to think you know better. But both of them, and also my other friends, know that I didn't need/want their judgment. I wanted someone to talk to. And I really cherish the fact that while they had things to say about what we were talking about, it wasn't about how they felt or what they thought I should do. They showed that they cared about me and about my relationship and that while they couldn't really imagine what it was like, they understood me. I was a little afraid that they would judge my girlfriend or tell me to get out of a relationship that is at times difficult, but luckily neither of them did. And I am really thankful for that, because I don't want out of this relationship. At all.

I sometimes compare what is going on with my girlfriend to someone having cancer. It's not their fault they have cancer, but it an extremely difficult and painful thing to live through, not just for the person who is sick, but also for the partner/friends/relatives. Obviously, is someone becomes sick, you don't think about getting out just because it is hard. My girlfriend doesn't have a physical illness, but a mental illness. Yes, it is different in some ways. Yes, sometimes she hurts me because she is sick and can't help it. Does she hurt me on purpose? No! Does she regret hurting my feelings? Yes! Have I hurt her feelings before? Unfortunately yes.

It is always easy for people to judge other people's relationships. But I don't believe that a relationship in which no party has ever hurt the other party exists. My gf has hurt me and made me cry and there were a moment or two in which I had to gather myself and take a break before I could go back and accept her apology. She doesn't hurt me on purpose and when she apologizes, I always know she means it. Most of the time she feels worse about what she did/said than I feel afterwards. I have forgotten most of our fights and even the ones I haven't, I have forgiven. And I have hurt my gf too, I'm far from being a saint! I have said thing that I regretted later on, which I apologized for and made amends. I have knowingly said mean things once or twice, because we were fighting and I was mad. Does that make me a worse person - because I said something just to hurt her? Probably. But it's not really about who is a better person. Because we are both pretty good people. It is about the fact that no matter how hard it is, so far we have always managed to make it work and for the most part, we are both happy.

My gf is a great person, who has lived through horrible things and therefore has unique challenges. And as hard as it is sometimes, it is also totally worth it. Because she loves me and she cares about me and she makes me happy. Even though my friends don't experience that, because they haven't met her yet and probably won't for another two years (except for Ms. L, who might come visit soon!!! *YAY*), they don't criticize us or our relationship and I'm really thankful for it. It gives me strength to have their support.

When it rains, it pours

2010-07-21T22:35:00.003+02:00

And in my and my girlfriend's lives, it seems as if when it doesn't rain, it drips. Constantly. We can't seem to catch a break, at all. Even though I am enjoying my summer and am able to de-stress a little, there are still constantly small things going on that don't allow me to completly de-stress. Trouble with the storage unit we rented over the summer. Worries about the possible new appartment. Money issues. Fights with siblings/parents. Friends bailing out and therefore leaving her with no place to stay for too long. More money issues. Worries about friends who are sick.

Right now, I feel like with all the progress we have made and all the work we put into our relationship, something always happens that makes life in general harder. I'm handeling being away from her fairly well and even though I miss her like crazy, I don't overreact when I don't hear from her for two or three days. We haven't really had a fight yet, which I think is really good and important for both of us. We rely on each other for support and help. All of those things make me proud of our relationship and the fact that even though it sucks that we are so far apart for so long, we deal with it fairly well. At the same time I wish we could just, for once, have it easy for a little while at least. We might both work starting next semester, so things will get super-busy and stressful really fast, and we could just both really use a break.

Lets just hope when I get back and we have two weeks together before school starts, we can use this time to really enjoy each other's company and enjoy our relationship. We both need it.

Back from vacation

2010-07-20T17:31:00.003+02:00

I spent the last week and some days on vacation, first with my family, then at my friend's place. The family vacation was okay, but I didn't really get along with my brother and sister so it wasn't that great.

However, I had a blast with my friend, Ms. L. Even though we hadn't been in constant contact over the last year, we re-connected immediately and it was just really nice to talk to someone who knows me as well as she does. We spent the three days together talking, catching up on the details that get lost in the ocean that seperates us, and simply enjoying life. Her time off from school had just started, so we both didn't really want to do anything. We cooked together, walked around town and watched some TV. I really felt how good it was for me to have my friend around and just share some of the things that had been really difficult during the last year. I tend not to talk about difficult things on the phone or through email, for multiple reasons, so it was nice to be able to talk face-to-face. It helped me process some of what had happened during the last year and just made me feel better.

We talked about her visiting me at home for a few days, if her work schedule permits it. I really hope that this will work out, simply because I had such a nice, relaxed time with her.

I also met my friend Ms. K, who I've written about before. All is well between us now and I'm really glad that we met and talked and caught up on all the stuff we missed out on in the last year. Even though now I feel closer to Ms. L, while when I left it was the other way around, things with Ms. K worked out really well too. We spent a nice lunch and afternoon together talking and doing some shopping and she might visit me at home too.

I have three more weeks at home and in a way, I can't wait to go back to the US and to my girlfriend. But, I also want to enjoy my time here and use it to meet friends, spend time with my family and just enjoy life. I have been stressed out for so long it's hard to remember what it feels like to be relaxed, so I want to try and have as much quiet time as possible. Sometimes, I feel a little torn between the social responsibilities and my personal needs, but mostly I'm just not stressing out about stuff anymore. Most things just aren't worth it.

California Girls

2010-07-04T01:01:00.004+02:00

Today I heard Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' for the first time, in this awesome video (via @britisshameless)

It made me think of the fact that I am actually by now living my dream. I haven't felt like that for numerous reasons, mainly because I haven't actually achieved that much, I'm still in school and going through major, major changes in my life. But I *am* living in the US and working hard towards my goals - getting a B.A. in Film Production and working as a movie producer. When I think back to how I felt a year ago, uncertain of how things would turn out, I'm really glad how far I got. Yes, I'm still dependant on my parents and there is a very, very long list of things that aren't working out so well yet, but at least I'm not stuck in freaking Austria anymore. And I'm mightly glad about that!

The strains a relationships can take on friendships

2010-06-23T12:02:00.003+02:00

I have this very dear friend of mine, Ms. K, who was basically my best friend when I went to university in Austria. She knew me really well and we shared many secrets, things we didn't tell anyone else. But, when I moved, things with my girlfriend started happening that were private. And these things made my friendship with her harder. I want to tell her about the things that worry me, and why I'm not as happy as everybody else thought. I want to tell her about the difficulties I have being in a relationship with someone who needs more love and attention due to mental health issues. I want to talk to her without holding back, without weighing my words and trying to figure out what I can and what I can't talk about.

But with her, it's harder than with other friends. She knows me better and deeper, even though we only lived near each other for two years. It's harder for me to only tell her half-truths, so I withdrew myself from our friendship. I know that it wasn't fair towards her, because she didn't know what was going on, but it was the only thing I knew to do. She sent me a message asking what was wrong, whether I was okay and why I hadn't been in touch with her for so long. I told her a few basic things, things I felt I could tell her without neglecting my girlfriend's privacy. There are so many horrible things in my girlfriend's past I'm trying to deal with. The difficulties I have with processing what my girlfriend has told me show me how hard it must be for her to have lived it. But I'm processing all these emotions on my own and I can't really talk to the people I would have talked had it been my past or any other subject.

Luckily, Ms. K wasn't too hurt or mad at me and understood where I was coming from. She told me to tell her what I feel comfortable with and she wasn't going to ask any further. I know from experience that she is the kind of person who will listen, but also understand if you can't talk about something. Now I have to take the plunge and actually call her and hear her voice again for the first time in months. I fear that I'll start to cry because I did miss her friendship quite a bit, even if all the other things that were going on moved those feelings to the back of my mind. I have a best friend who happens to be my girlfriend now, but I think having two best friends is going to work out just fine. I just have to try harder to make it work.

Memories from a time long gone, yet still so close

2010-06-22T20:57:00.003+02:00

Being back in my home town puts me into a weird mood sometimes. A friend of mine, who I visited twice by now, lives right across the street from where I used to go to school to for nine years. Every time I visit her I drive by the building that holds so many memories. Memories of madly falling in love with someone completely unattainable. Memories of friendships forming, but also falling apart. Memories of conversations as deep as the most private thoughts and also as eye-opening as therapy. Since I moved twice after I graduated from high school, my time in middle and high school in that same building seems so long ago. It doesn't feel like just three years ago. I'm still fairly young, yet I feel so much more mature when I think of the person I was then and the person I am now. And intertwined with these thoughts are thoughts of the people who help mold me into the person I am today.

I have a special relationship with my first love. She was not just my first love - who ever has a first love who *just* was that anyways? - but she was also a person who helped me get through my teenage years and influenced me heavily. Let's call her Mrs. Teacher, since she was my teacher. Yeah, that old cliché. I started getting to know her better in my first year of high school, when my mom fell ill. None of my friends understood my fears, so I felt like I had to talk to an adult. Since she had told us to talk to her if we had problems, I took her up on that offer. She actually listened to what I had to say and made me feel like I wasn't a child anymore, but actually a person with valid feelings and thoughts. I felt like she saw me, the real me, not the child many people saw in me. Yes, I was only 15, but I felt more mature than that and I know I was more mature than most 15-year-olds. So after talking to her a few times, I started falling for her more and more. She was way too old for me, straight and just in general completely unattainable, but that didn't stop me from having fantasies about our lives spent together. I knew that she was divorced, but in my second year I found out that she was in a relationship. That revelation broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep for days. But, since she was completely out of my reach before I knew about her boyfriend, my feelings for her didn't change much. She was not any closer to being mine than she had been before. Time went on and we continued to talk after school sometimes, forming a teeny tiny bit of a friendship, as much as we could given the whole student-teacher relationship. In my last year at high school, a lot happened between her and my class, so the friendship that could have been after I was done with school was no longer an option.

Since I needed some documents for my college application, I saw her once last year. We talked a bit and she said things that only someone who really knows me would say. We also talked about staying in touch. I wrote to her, but hadn't heard back from her. Since I'm going to apply to universities soon, I will need more of the same documentation I had already gotten, so I called the school and asked her for it. I can still vividly remember how I felt about her. I know and cherish how she influenced my life. But at the same time, the feelings towards her have changed so much. Now, I have a girlfriend I love more than I loved her, and a girlfriend who loves me back. Now, I can't imagine living without my girlfriend and feel so deeply about her I sometimes almost can't handle it. Now, I feel more deeply than I had ever felt for this unattainable woman. Back then, I thought I loved as much as I could love. Now, I know I am capable of more, even without teenage hormones.

I wonder if all people who fell so hard the first time feel that way about their first love. Or if I'm different because of the circumstances and the fact that my first love was in my life, actively, for five years. I still know so well how I felt about Mrs. Teacher, yet the feelings are somehow removed from my emotions today. I still want to know her and I still want to talk to her. I still cherish her as an influence on my life. But now, I want to tell her about my girlfriend, and how being in a relationship has change me. Now, I want to tell her about my dreams, about the dreams I have when it comes to getting married and having kids. Now, I want to talk to her like we're even, the way she made me feel back then. Like we're friends.

I know one thing for sure: whenever I form a deep bond with a person, which I don't do easily, they remain in my heart. I'm loyal and I don't trust easily, but when I do, I do so fully. She has gained my trust a long time ago and even though I wasn't on her side when I felt she was wrong, I still feel loyalty towards her. And even if I'm not in touch with her, I will never forget how I felt for her a long time ago and how she made me a better person.

Home again

2010-06-16T09:55:00.003+02:00

I'm 'home' again. I came back almost a week ago not, but left America exactly a week ago. Things here seem so familiar, yet at the same time not anymore. I felt weird, in a way like I wasn't in my skin, or where I was supposed to be. I keep telling myself that it's only 2 months.

I applied for a few jobs and got two, hopefully they will actually pay me enough to save up some money. The one is with a market research company, doing personal interviews. I'm not sure where I'm going to find people willing to sit down with me and do an interview for 45 minutes, but I guess I'll have to if I want to make money. The other job is with an event organizer, hopefully I'll get to do a few interesting things. Money is always on my mind, lately, with the Euro loosing its value and rent being so expensive. At least right now I don't have to pay for my living expenses. On top of working, I am also taking a math class this summer, which should be interesting. I've learned this kind of math before, but I suck at math, so it might impact my GPA.

Other than that, there really isn't that much going on. I haven't met any of my friends yet, as they are all still busy with school and work. I haven't been too eager to yet either, I just didn't feel like it yet. I miss my girlfriend, but it's not too bad yet. I had a bad dream about us today though, so that makes it harder. Right now I'm just trying to focus on other things than just on missing her. She has her sisters visiting now, so she should be fine too.

That's all for today. Just wanted to post a little update, get back into blogging, like I've said only about a million times before... Maybe this time I really will.

Clarification on "Breaking Up..."

2010-05-27T00:39:00.006+02:00

Based on the two comments I got on my last post ("Breaking up is hard to do"), I thought I had to clarify what I wrote. My girlfriend breaks up with me when she is at her lowest. She always means it when she does, it's not something she 'uses' to get her way or anything like that.

She grew up in one of those families where Social Services didn't got involved because she didn't go to school covered in bruises, didn't have her bones broken frequently or was completely mal-nourished. However, she did not grow up being a loved, wanted child. She was the oldest out of four siblings and the black sheep, she was always blamed for the adult's mistakes and they took their frustrations out on her. Because of how she grew up, she doesn't feel like she deserves love. In her mind, she didn't do anything special to deserve to be loved. She doesn't see how funny, loving, caring or smart she is, all she sees is what she has been told all her life by the people who were supposed to love her... That she is fat, lazy, stupid and worthless. Her mother sees that they have a horrible relationship and naturally, 1) blames her for it, and 2) thinks she has to fix it. My lovely future mother-in-law recently complained about the fact that my girlfriend never calls her just to talk and find out how she is doing. She completely ignored that fact that my GF had been trying to get in touch with her for 3 weeks and had been leaving messages which were completely ignored by her mother. She never calls to ask how her daughter is doing, so why should her daughter call her. My girlfriend has also left messages with her father a number of times by now (probably since shortly after Christmas) and has yet to hear from him - she didn't get a call at her birthday.

My girlfriend grew up in a broken family full of abuse and neglect and she is only now learning how to have healthy, loving relationships with anyone. While she has a decent relationship with one of her sister, few people in her life had ever cared about her. She doesn't break up with me because she thinks she is so much better than me or because she thinks she would be better off without me. She breaks up with me because she thinks *I* would be better off without her and that *I* deserve someone better. She has problems, which is not really surprising, and she hasn't had any time yet to deal with her issues. So far she has always been in the situation where she was dependent on people who were being abusive towards her. Even when she lived with her dad, who was nicer to her than her mom, she lived with a step-mom who treated her like a piece of sh*t and it was very obvious that her dad cared more about his new wife than he ever did about his daughter. For the first time in her life she is in the situation of living with someone who doesn't abuse or mistreat her. She is in a safe place and it brings out a lot of the issues she had to deal with on the inside for a very long time. If she had tried to deal with her issues when she was living with either of her parents, she would have gotten kicked out, because they didn't care about her well-being. They only cared about themselves and their spouses/boy-friends/current flings.

It is hard to understand or know all the things that are going on inside of her on any given day. I don't know or understand everything she is going through and I don't know of all the horrible things that happened to her as a child. Without knowing her history or her current issues, it is impossible to know her motives for her actions. She isn't trying to hurt me when she breaks up with me. She is at an extreme low point and doesn't know what to do, so she tries to remove herself from a situation that in that moment causes her further pain.

I write about her and us in this blog because I don't have anywhere else to talk about it. I don't want my friends to know because they wouldn't understand and I can't tell them what happened to her as a child because it is her story to tell and very private. Here, I can be more open, because nobody we know reads my blog. But I don't want to be judged by people who only know part of the story and I don't want her to be judged. Life is hard enough for her as it is and I don't need people telling me what I'm doing is wrong either. I am committed to my girlfriend because I know what an awesome person she is. I also know her at her low points, even though I can't and don't always know/understand what is going on inside of her. All I know is that I want her to heal and get better and she won't heal if she doesn't get the chance to now. If she doesn't have someone to rely on, someone who will love her and show her that she can break the cycle, that she can get better and have a happy life - unlike her mother - I don't think she will be able to heal enough to have that life.

She has shown me a lot of incredible things. She accepts me the way I am, she reminds me how important it is to love every day and she made me more in touch with my feelings. I don't feel empty inside anymore. Sure, some days she makes me cry, but most of the time she makes me incredibly happy and I can't imagine my life without her. And I won't let anyone say that we aren't supposed to be together just because it is hard sometimes. I complain sometimes, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it. I know of a relationship which is "perfect" - no fighting, no disagreements - and this relationship is completely empty. Those two people are together simply because it would be too difficult to break up. I choose my relationship over that any day.

[Comments are turned off. I said what I had to say and I don't feel like having a conversation about this topic.]

Breaking up is hard to do...

2010-05-25T10:36:00.002+02:00

When the Girlfriend and I are having a bad day relationship-wise, I can sometimes see and experience the full fight-or-flight reaction in my girlfriend. She has broken up with me multiple times by now, too many to count (honestly, I really don't want to count). Here are some reasons why she broke up with me:

I deserve to be with someone who isn't "broken", or just generally better - smarter, prettier, funnier,... - (her words, not mine!)
She can't handle the stress of us fighting - she realizes that over the long-term, our relationship decreases her stress more than it increases it, but at that point in time she cannot see it
I haven't stopped making the same mistakes, which leads to her stress levels being increased (see above)
and other things I can't think of right now

Until two nights ago, I have always put in quite a fight to make her not break up with me and was always able to convince her that we are meant to be together - something we both believe in. However, two nights ago, we had a generally bad night - partially because of my behavior - and when she broke up with me I didn't stop her. I couldn't. I felt like if she really wanted to be with me, if I was worth the hard times, she wouldn't keep breaking up with me. Many things were said, I said things I regret saying, but in the end I told her it was up to her. I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but she needed to want to be with me too. She managed to get out of the pit she was in and tell me that she wanted to be with me and so we are not broken up. However, the whole thing showed me how much my behavior affects her behavior and how much I can influence whether she sinks really low or just low - in her emotions, not in the different sense.

I think it was good and important for me to see that she was willing to fight for me too, because I did somehow feel like I wasn't worth fighting for. I realize that she has special issues people with 'normal' childhoods don't face, but sometimes it is hard for me to act accordingly. I am only human and I make mistakes. My mistakes just have more of an impact on her because of the issues she deals with every day. I'm learning, but sometimes the learning experiences include really low points and lots of tears.

That's all I really have to say about that right now. We're not broken up and I think we are really meant to be together, if we can navigate our lives and the issues that are there, if we want them or not.

Oh! Em! Gee!!!!

2010-05-25T10:33:00.002+02:00

Is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen:

I stumbled across this picture on the People site recently, I almost died of cuteness!!

Finals week and HUGE update

2010-05-20T11:54:00.004+02:00

The school year is almost over and we managed to survive it somehow - I still don't quite know how. I have one more final tomorrow, which I have to get a good grade on to get my A. I am not completely happy with how the last weeks went, as I might have ruined my chance at getting an A in two classes simply because I didn't have enough energy left to put enough effort in. Most of my time in the last weeks was trying to convince the girlfriend that 3 am the day an assignment is due is not the best time to still play video games and procrastinate. Her issues have really taken a toll on her self-motivation and even though she asked me to be stern and 'mean' with her, she got mad when I tried to. My approaches on how to deal with her self-motivation or lack there-of have so far all failed and I am quite frankly out of ideas.

In some ways, I can see how dealing with her issues is slowly healing some of the wounds. In others, it seems like she still has to get worse before she will get better. After a fight yesterday we had a talk about how she is doing and everything that is going on with her. She feels guilty because she thinks I deserve better and she is scared I will one day not be able to handle it anymore and will leave her. She wants me to leave if it gets too much, but at the same time she doesn't want me to leave because she needs me. In the last weeks, we have made good progress, at least in my opinion, with addressing and voicing some of her wounds. The question of why nobody except for me and one of her sisters loves her and wants her has been brought up multiple times and always leads to tears. It breaks my heart to hear her say these things, because I know that no matter what I say, her pain still will be there. Mostly, I tell her that her mother is incapable of truly loving someone because of all the things she went through and therefore the men she attracted in her life were emotionally equally scarred/incapable of love. I also tell her that if a child gets told that it is not worth of love, it will soon believe that and that that is not the child's fault, clearly. But it is hard to get through to her, because she has lived feeling not worthy of love for so long and I've only loved her for not even a year and a half.

I also told her about her brain and how most likely, her brain right now is learning a lot of new things and that because her brain is so busy learning, it sometimes gets thrown back. I feel like in some ways, she is for the first time in her life learning how to have healthy, 'normal' relationships with someone other than friends. From the stories she has told me, her mother clearly did not and does not have healthy relationships with any of her children. She blamed and blames problems on her children that were caused by her behavior - a reaction to her and her inability to parent a child with more complex needs, especially emotionally - and doesn't take over any responsibility for anything. One thing my beloved monster-in-law likes to say is that she had it even harder at 22 and therefore my girlfriend should stop complaining and grow up and be completely independent - as in go to school full time, get good grades and work enough to pay for rent, food and all other expenses, all at the same time. Yeah, right, that's very likely going to happen. Anyways, my point is, my MIL always states how hard she had it and how hard her life was and that her children should just stop complaining, hold their heads high and do what she did, which is take care of their own business. In my opinion, she doesn't want her children to have it any easier than she had it and that's why she is so unwilling to help her children out. What she doesn't see is that as a mother, she should want her children to have a better life than her. She should want her children to heal and grow, so that they can have more fulfilling lives, relationships and so that they don't end up where she is right now. In a recent conversation, MIL complained that we didn't ask if she needed any help when she was forced to move out of her boyfriend's place. Um, excuse me, you are the 40-something-year-old MOTHER who doesn't give a sh*t about her daughter and you expect US, the 22-year-old college students who can't find a job because of the economy to offer help? Really? I mean, REALLY??? And what angers me the most is that she thinks it is her daughter's responsibility to call and ask her how she is doing,... so that their relationship can get better. My girlfriend didn't fuck up their relationship, yet she should work to make it better while her mother can pat herself on the back for being a great mother? Yeah, I don't think so. MIL complained that my girlfriend never calls and asks her how she is doing, yet she never calls her to ask how school is going. Plus, she is incredibly hard to reach and generally doesn't return phone calls, so how exactly is that supposed to work? Anywho, enough about that, but that should give you an idea of why my girlfriend doesn't feel loved by her parents. Not that her dad is any better, since he doesn't know how a phone works either, apparently.

So even though we still fight a lot, there are definite improvements in some areas. We had a rather lengthy talk last week about my alleged 'OCD-ness'. GF likes to complain about my desire to have a clean apartment and about my unreasonable request for her helping me clean. So when she once again complained about how my expectations were too high, I made her give me a list of how often she would clean (major cleaning only). Here is her list:

Clean the bathroom - tub, counter, toilet - once a week
Clean the kitchen floor once to twice a week, depending on how dirty it is
Clean the bedroom floor at least once a week

Now funnily enough, I only want the kitchen floor to be cleaned once a week, however I want it to be mopped. After she gave me her list, I asked her how often she had done any of these things in April - usually, the bathroom is her 'chore'. She tried to claim she cleaned the bathroom twice, whereas I believe she cleaned it once, because the second time I gave up hope after a week of waiting and cleaned it myself. Now, I was sick twice in April and therefore didn't clean nearly as often as I would usually, which drove me almost insane. However, I still did most of the work. Then I explained to her that our ideas of how often to clean are almost identical, yet the question to who should clean is quite different. See, the girlfriend thinks everything should be cleaned at least once a week, but would like magic fairies (as in me, the magic cleaning fairy) to do the work. She finally admitted that my OCD-ness is not the problem here, but rather her unwillingness to actually do any of the work. Now here's the thing: from about age 7, she was expected to clean after at rather large number of people (at least 8 or 9) every day. She had a lot of chores to do and never had much help from the adults. As someone who thinks children should have to help out around the house, her responsibilities seem insane to me. So every time I ask her to do something, she emotionally feels like she is doing EVERYTHING, that it is too much for her to handle and that she shouldn't have to do so much work, when in reality I handle most of the housework. I try to be patient, but am at a point now where I can't take over all of the work. So I try to get her to at least do the dishes when it is her turn and take care of the bathroom. I just have to figure out how to change her feelings/reaction from what she is was used to when she was little to what it should be now. Which is really difficult. I hope our talk made her realize and see what is going on, because I feel like she has this very warped view of who does how much work around the house right now.

Anywho, that was a really, really long update on what is going on. Unfortunately, this is only a small part of our daily lives, as the struggle with her depression, anxiety and PTSD continues. But, there is hope at the end of the tunnel!!

Stability update

2010-05-10T10:58:00.003+02:00

So, my dear two readers, you might wonder what happened to that chart and all? Well, someone (me *sadface*) got sick and slept for about 15 hours between Thursday afternoon and Friday noon, which threw off our plans ~~slightly~~ a lot. Then there was the karaoke with future monster in law (FMIL) Saturday, which took up even more of our none-existing free time. So now it's Sunday night, 2 am, and I'm still up, taking a break from doing homework. *YAY*

Anyways, I will probably write about the *wonderful* /sarcasm evening we spent with FMIL and her best, bestest, super-awesomest-bestest friend and how I told him that she was a liar. Which, in case you were wondering, I was entitled to do, because I told him repeatedly that I didn't want to talk to him and that it was none of his business. But I figured since she had asked her bestest, awesomest, greatest friend to get involved in her business and then told him a half-truth and some lies, I could tell him what a liar she was. She brought that on herself. But enough about that, I'm going back to the history take-home finale. *YAY* /sarcasm

Oh. My. God!!!! She is soooo dyke-y!!

2010-05-10T10:53:00.002+02:00

Here is something I stumbled across a week or two ago. Don't ask me why I waited that long to post it on my blog. I sincerely apologize! That picture is just prizeless! I think, having seen that picture, my love for Rachel has only increased. She is human too, like the rest of us! Well, she's a million times smarter than most of us - no offence, but she's a Rhodes Scholar!! - but she, too, has had bad haircuts.

How 'bout some stability round here?

2010-05-06T00:47:00.004+02:00

The girlfriend and I have been struggling a lot lately. Lots of fights, meltdowns, ups and downs... You get the pictures. Sooo, I figured the one thing we could really use more of is stability and structure. So, I made a very, very, very (seriously, very) basic plan of what the next four days will look like and put it on a piece of paper. Don't judge my artistry here, I made that plan in less than 5 minutes.

I've been wanting to bring more structure into our daily lives for a while, but right now I'm at the point where I will actually implement this. I haven't discussed my plan with the girlfriend yet, but this is important to me. I think it will eliminate a lot of our fights/struggles. At least I hope it will. For all the times I put down Study/Practice, if she doesn't want to study/practice then, that's fine. However, she will not be "allowed" (I technically can't tell her what to do) to do anything fun either, so if she wants to sit and stare at the wall that's fine too. I think that because she has issues that make it hard for her to study when it is time to study, maybe quiet time in which she will not have any other activities might actually help her. So while she's not studying, she will have time to be calm and think about what is going on in our lives. Anywho, we'll see if she will accept the plan, but based on the fact that we have been fighting almost daily - actually, we have been fighting daily - about the most basic things, I think trying something new would really help. Besides, I will have to follow the plan just the same as she will, so she can tell me to go study now too :-).

A Day at the Beach

2010-05-02T00:06:00.006+02:00

Since I moved to California, I haven't really spent much time at the beach or the ocean at all, even though I love the ocean. Things are just always too stressful to go, or the weather sucks, or other things happen. Anywho, yesterday we finally took a day off to go to the beach and have a bonfire. It was a little too windy, but we managed to get the fire started and some of the food actually turned out pretty good.

We had invited a few people from college, but only one showed up. In the end it worked out pretty well that way, as we were able to spend some quality-time together, just enjoying each other's company. I really hope it helped us regain some energy for the upcoming finals week!

We even saw dolphins!!

Sandra Bullock's big surprise

2010-04-29T03:34:00.008+02:00

Apparently, some people in Hollywood do have the ability to keep a secret. As People Magazine revealed today, Sandra Bullock adopted a new-born baby from Louisiana about three months ago. Look how cute!!

Aaawwwww. She looks really happy!! I hope she can leave the pain of the last months behind and enjoy life as a newly single mother. She has parenting experience from being a mother to Jesse's three children and I am sure she will make a great mother for little Luis. I only feel sad for Jesse's children - even though Sandra said she wants to stay a part of their lives, their lives have still fundamentally changed.

Honesty and Guilt

2010-04-29T03:08:00.003+02:00

The girlfriend and I had a bad Sunday, mostly filled with fights about homework, housework and going to bed at a decent time. I didn't quite understand what was going on and why she was procrastinating all day, but it drove me up a wall a little. Okay, quite a lot. I wanted her to do the dishes or at least clean the bathroom counter/sink, but she wouldn't do it. I offered help, tried asking nicely, got mad, but nothing made her budge.

After having a fight about it Monday morning and another one Tuesday morning, she finally told me that she had been having a really bad day with her issues, mainly the depression, but that she didn't want to tell me because she already puts so many of her issues on me. I told her that it was way easier for me to deal with her issues if I knew what was going on, because I honestly thought that she was fine. She told me that she is never fine, which I sometimes forget because she has her good days, or because she can keep her bad days secret from me well enough.

We had a talk about it and I understand why she doesn't always want to tell me about her feelings. She feels guilty because I take care of her and because she "puts so much on [my] plate", and then the guilt makes her feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle that I haven't figured out how to break yet. In her mind, I should be with someone "better", who can take care of me - which she does, she took care of me really well when I was sick last week - and who doesn't need the support that she needs. I tried to explain to her that if she had cancer, I wouldn't leave her either, just because that is hard to go through. She has an illness and it is hard every single day, I won't lie, but it's not her fault.

I make the conscious decision to be there for her and support her the best I can, even though I clearly fail some days. While I didn't know how bad some of her issues were when we started dating, I have since not changed my mind about her being the one for me. Yes, it is hard, but I love her and I want to be there for her so it can get easier. Not to sound full of myself, but I do think that without me, it would be even harder for her to get better. She thinks I "deserve" someone better, but I think she deserves better. The people in her life, the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, have so far done very little for her and continuously keep hurting her by being irresponsible, mean, absent and all kinds of other things. And while she thinks I will eventually end up hating her because of her issues, it is truly the people who have caused her issues that I hate. I just wish I could erase her guilt and make her understand that I love her, no matter what issues her past bring up.

A summer apart

2010-04-25T19:11:00.003+02:00

On friday, both my girlfriend and I had somewhat of a meltdown. This summer, I'm going home to see my family and friends and I will be gone for exactly two months. Since the first months of our relationship were spent apart and since we are a bit co-dependent, we really don't look forward to spending two months separated.

Now don't get me wrong, I look forward to seeing my friends and family and I really can't wait to spend some time with my nephew. I'd just rather either have her by my side or not be apart for that long. Since my mom is going to be working for the first month I'll spend at home and since I plan on going to visit friends in the town I used to study in and other places, I will actually be quite busy. Especially since I'm also taking an online math class, which is 5 units, and therefore almost fulfils the 6 unit requirement of being a full-time student. So I will be more than busy. But, I know I will still miss my girlfriend terribly.

She will probably miss me even more, because she won't be as busy as I will and she will probably spend most of her summer living with the family she used to babysit for. She knows those people fairly well, but it's not really the same as staying with family, not that staying with family in her case would be that great. She will get to see her sister, with whom she is close, but she won't be going on 'vacation' the way I will. We both have already cried about spending our summer apart and on Friday we had a real meltdown about it. It sucks, because even though we do spend essentially all of our time together, most of it is spent with doing schoolwork, cleaning, cooking and other chores. We don't have a lot of quality time together, and when we do often we are working through issues and things like that. We both just rather spend the summer really enjoying each other's company, since we have not been able to really do that over a longer period of time since we started dating.

A fellow blogger, Maria, is going through something similar and is waaaay better at expressing the sentiments, so please go read her story here and here. See, the things is, as much as I love my family and parents, I would rather stay here with my girlfriend. Especially because I know that I will be going back to Austria for Christmas already again and that my girlfriend can't come with me, like we had originally planned. And even though I used to love being alone and having no responsiblities towards other people, now I don't want to give up the right to care for my love for two whole months. It just seems too long.

United States of Tara

2010-04-20T08:29:00.004+02:00

Today, episode 5 of the second season of United States of Tara aired on Showtime. I don't have Showtime, so I didn't see it, but I did watch episodes 3 and 4 today, since I am sick. I am so excited for that show to finally be back! I absolutely loved the first season, the writing is amazing, Toni Collette is amazing and the rest of the cast is pretty dang good too!

In case you have never seen the show, it basically revolves around Tara, a mother of two and artist, who has dissociative identity disorder. DID is the new term for split personalities, which Tara has 4 of in season one. There is Tara, the mother and 'main' personality; Alice, the 1950s housewife; T, the 16-year-old rebellious teenager and Buck, the guy (!!). Yes, one of her alters thinks he's a guy. Last year at the Emmy and the Golden Globe Awards, Toni Collette won Best Actress awards for her portrayal of Tara and her alters. She really deserved those awards, because she plays each of those alters so distinctively that even with just looking at her face you can see which alter is in control at a given point in time.

But it's not just Toni Collette who does an outstanding job, even though she certainly stands out. All of the main characters are played by great actors, I mostly adore Rosemarie DeWitt as Tara's sister Charmaine and Brie Larson as Tara's daughter Kate. I love how Charmaine is secretly jealous of Tara's disorder, because she always gets all the attention. Kate's outfits basically rock completely, even though I don't always like them, but they are just so unique and so Kate, I love it!

The writing is really good and it has a lot to do with Diablo Cody's creative talent. Obviously, 'Juno' was no one-hit wonder and her Best Screenplay Oscar well deserved. The storylines are all fascinating and as a whole the show seems very realistic. There are no plot points whose only purpose seems to be to create drama, because the alters and the family's life already is dramatic enough.

I just really love everything about this show and I can't wait to watch the next episode!

[I might start writing weekly recaps of USoT, but I don't want to give anything away in case my 5 readers aren't watching the show. So let me know whether you would like to read recaps or not. I'll put spoiler warnings up in any case, if I do decide to recap the show.]

'Parenthood' tackles syndromes and disobedient teenagers

2010-04-19T10:29:00.005+02:00

[This is another review I wrote for the student newspaper. I'm not that happy about how it turned out, but oh well.]

Before NBC's "Parenthood" had even aired, the usual teasers and promos gave viewers a good idea of what to expect. In one of these teasers, daughter Amber, brilliantly played by Mae Whitman, says about her mother Sarah - right to her face, nonetheless - "Her bark is worse than her bite." Next thing we know, Sarah is lunging at her teen-aged daughter, and then dragging her off to Berkeley.

Lauren Graham, well known from her previous turn as a single mother on "Gilmore Girls," replaced Maura Tierney, who had to drop out due to health issues. Even though this involuntary casting change delayed the show's airdate from fall 2009 to spring, it seems to have worked out to the show's advantage. Having seen Tierney on "ER" as Nurse Abby and Graham as Lorelai Gilmore, Graham seems more suited for the likable role of mother of two who is forced to move back in with her parents.

At age 38, Sarah Braverman is divorced, unemployed and out of money, so she moves her family back home to Berkeley and, therefore, back into her family's daily lives. Being the oldest sister certainly doesn't help with her feelings of failure, but she does the best she can to provide a stable home for her two children, Amber and Drew. Viewers can easily relate to Sarah and her struggles, having to take care of two typical teenagers without any support from her drug addict ex-husband. Living with her parents makes her life even harder, as she has little space and uncovers her parents' problems without even trying to.

The most unique storyline features 8-year-old Max, son of oldest Braverman sibling Adam and wife Kristina. Adam was the perfect son, as he played sports and let his father turn him into "a tough guy." Max is very different, a sweet, but quiet and withdrawn child. Not only does he refuse to go to his baseball game - until his father bribes him with ice cream - he also frequently has problems at school. Even his classmates notice how different he is, and tease him, as kids do. Regular trips to the principal's office make his parents' lives hard, but his certainly harder. His reclusive behavior leads his parents to the conclusion that Max might suffer from Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. Because this disorder is hard to diagnose and very rare, Adam tries to tell himself that his son is just different.

So far this storyline has been the most intriguing and has been handled surprisingly well thought-out by the creators of the show. Max Burkholder, who portrays his character with the same first name, does a fantastic job at playing this difficult part. At 12 years old, he doesn't look any older than his role, but he brings the experience and certainly the talent to show Max as the three-dimensional fictional person he is.

"Parenthood" started off strong, with a very well-made pilot, which is rare in TV. The show revolves around the Braverman clan and their lives, specifically the trials and tribulations of parenthood, both for the grandparents - Zeek and Camille - as well as the parents - Adam, Sarah, Julia and Crosby. The characters are relatable three-dimensional people who make watchers care, almost as if it were their own family. The show trumps with great acting and has many household names attached to it, such as Peter Krause ("Six Feet Under" and "Dirty Sexy Money"), Monica Potter ("Boston Legal"), Dax Shepard ("Baby Mama" and "Old Dogs") and Mae Whitman ("Hope Floats" and "Arrested Development"). Even though the show has its laugh-out-loud moments, it does offer a reflection of life in its seriousness. "Parenthood," early into its run, has found the perfect mixture between drama and comedy.

"Parenthood" airs on NBC, Tuesdays at 8 p.m. If you missed the first episodes, you still have time to catch up. Watch "Parenthood" online at www.nbc.com or www.hulu.com and become part of the Braverman family.

Why you shouldn't mix work and romance

2010-04-17T03:24:00.005+02:00

Or in this case, homework and romance. My girlfriend and I are taking two classes together, one of them history. We are supposed to work on a project, in which we have to write a paper and present it in class. We have known about that for about 2 months now and as you can probably guess, have not really done that much work yet. It partially has to do with the fact that my girlfriend keeps telling me that she has so much other stuff to do, for other classes. It drives me up a wall. I want to just sit down and do the project, and she keeps pushing it back and back. She doesn't want to do it by herself, which is an option, but she also doesn't want to do it in my time frame - and that time frame is pretty big!! I don't even know how often we have fought about this stupid project so far, but definitely too many times.

This is a perfect example of one big difference between her and me: she likes to do everything last minutes, as she needs the pressure to get motivated. I prefer doing projects earlier rather than later, because in my opinion, it is the one thing in school I have complete and total control over. I would not accept anything other than an A from myself when it comes to projects, because you get to choose the topic (most of the time), have enough time to prepare it and there is relatively little stress involved. With a test, you never exactly know what the questions will be or sometimes you have a blackout (happened to me yesterday, but I was able to get my brain to work again, thankfully). With a project, you're in control. So if you don't get a good grade, you probably didn't put enough work in. Which is ok, if you don't care.

So anyways, I will write what I want to write about this weekend and then we'll see if we will do our projects separately or together. I just want this whole thing to be over with. We really have enough other problems...

Dancing with the Stars fever

2010-04-16T06:27:00.006+02:00

I started watching Dancing with the Stars this season, for two reasons. One, it's hard to watch the show when you aren't in America and have to rely on bad-quality Youtube uploads. And two, I absolutely adore Shannen Doherty and really miss her being on my screen. I was also curious to see how Kate Gosselin, who I admire for her strength, and Pamela Anderson would do.

As you can imagine, I was really disappointed to see Shannen Doherty get eliminated so early. I thought that she did a great job at both dances and I really liked how her cute, awesome personality shone through. And those cheeks! I love those cheeks!

Pamela Anderson really impressed me, because she works hard and does well. I thought the white dress she wore in week 3 was very beautiful and I think she might actually get fairly far if she keeps her performances up.

What I don't quite understand is all the Kate Haters that are out there. I get if you don't care about reality shows and don't think it's that special to have 8 kids, but that doesn't mean you hate her. To me, she is making 200,000 dollars in at the most probably two months, depending on when she gets eliminated. If you even that out over a year's worth of income, she would have to earn a little under 20,000 dollars A MONTH to earn that kind of money. As a nurse, that might be what she earns in A YEAR, but certainly not a month. So if I were in her shoes and I knew that this job would mean that my children would be taken care of financially for at least a year, I would accept not seeing them for 4 days a week too. She gets to see them all week long when she's not working, and if she were a nurse she'd be away from them for 8 or 9 hours a day as well. Calling her a bad mother because she took a job that paid extremely well means that you just don't understand the fact that she cannot work a normal job. First of all, she is too famous by now. And second of all, she's a single mother with 8 kids - do you really think a nurse's salary would pay to feed all of them? I was really hoping she would get better and improve, because she really has it hard. She's not a performer or athlete, so she really has a no advantage whatsoever compared to the other stars on the show. Given that, I think she is doing well and I really liked the fact that this week, she finally looked like she knew the choreography and like she was actually dancing. So I'm rooting for her!

Therapeutic Blogging

2010-04-16T05:09:00.002+02:00

I want to get back into the habit of blogging for a certain reason. Even though I'm so busy with life, I need an outlet and since I already have this blog, I will use it. I haven't quite figured out exactly how much of my daily life and struggles I want to tell, because I don't want to dishonor (I looked for the right word, but really, could not find it. aarrrggg) on my girlfriend's privacy. But I guess we'll figure it out as we go along.

Being in a funk

2010-04-06T13:31:00.005+02:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen the following tweets on your feed:

I gained so much f*cking weight in the last two months, none of my skirts fit anymore. Not a single one! Aaaagghh... I will stop eating now

Thinking about @UhHuhHerMusic 's Leisha Hailey' and Alice's obvious superiority makes me sad. Only thing I've going for myself in comparison?

My boobs are nicer. I'm 16 years younger, so obviously that will change too, probs sooner than 16 years. Very depressing thoughts... If I

didn't look up to Alice so much, might not be quite as bad. And yes, I know she's a fictional character, but Leisha still f*cking rocks!

A couple of things happened today that made my self-esteem sink to a new low. First of all, the weight issue. I've blogged about weight before, because it is something that is often in the back of my mind. Today, I took out my summer skirts and tried them all on. None of them fit. Not a single one. I knew that I had gained weight because my pants were fairly tight, but I hadn't realized that it was so bad. One skirt I was particularly upset about because I only just bought it last summer and hadn't worn it very often. Yes, when I bought it it was tight, but I figured it would be a good motivation to stay at my weight at that time, because I really love that skirt. Guess eating my stress doesn't exactly help with that, does it?

There is so much going on in my life right now and my life pretty much revolves around my girlfriend and school. I haven't made any real friends here yet and I'm having a hard time staying in touch with my friends in Austria. I don't want to/can't tell them about all the bad stuff that is going on here, because I don't want them to think I'm unhappy about my decision to move here - I am really not. I also don't want them to think I'm unhappy in my relationship or that they get a wrong picture of my girlfriend.

The thing is, she is depressed, has anxiety issues and very likely posttraumatic stress disorder. She is starting to heal, but it is a long process and we are just at the beginning of it. We both know that everything that is going on with her is taking a toll on me and it makes her feel even worse. I love her and don't want to be without her and I want to help her get better, but there is only so much I can do. And I'm not going to lie and say everything is great, because it is hard. Really, really hard. Will I give up on our relationship because it is hard? No. Does that make it any easier? Again, no.

With all of that going on, and the fact that I gained all that weight I was already not feeling great tonight. Then, I was finally wearing something I liked and I thought I looked hot, so I asked my girlfriend to take a few pictures. She's a pretty good photographer and knows how to handle a camera, but she's no miracle worker. The pictures didn't turn out great, because I can't pose or make my face look less stupid, so that just added on to my general mood and now I'm just in a real funk.

Oscar winners

2010-03-19T06:29:00.005+01:00

Yeah, the Oscars were a while back, but I hadn't gotten around to commenting on them yet. Sorry.

I was really please with the result, even though I have to admit that I haven't seen 'The Hurt Locker' yet. I just didn't have time with school and everything, but I have hope I might still catch it in theatres.

Kathryn Bigelow - I did see 'Point Break' and her directing definitely is very good. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the director's work when I watch a movie, because it is the one thing that is really hard to put your finger one. You can see the actors, their costumes and make-up, the sets, all of those things. With directors, it is hard to see their style if you have only seen one of their movies. But I am just really happy that finally - FINALLY - a woman has won the Best Director Academy Award. It has been long overdue!

I absolutely adore Sandra Bullock. But it's not just that she is absolutely lovely, she is also a great actress. 'The Blind Side' really showed that side of her and to me, she really deserved this award.

Mo'Nique - If you have seen the film, then you will know just as I do that this win was so well deserved.

And then I was really excited about the well-deserved Oscar win by fellow Austrian Christoph Waltz!

Awww, the cuteness!

2010-02-11T01:00:00.003+01:00

Bridget posted the link to a GO Magazine article about her and Karman on her facebook, go check it out here. Aren't they just the cutest thing ever? But what really surprised me is that Karman is "already" 41 years old - I would have never guessed her age correctly. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed with age, but I am realizing that I have a really bad sense of what a 40-year-old woman typically looks like. Or maybe it just is because she doesn't seem that 'adult' yet - yes, she has a regular job and everything, but she is also so much fun, and I know that for a fact because I have met her before (Hehehehe!!!). I guess I'm finding out that I just have a wrong image of 40-year-old women, which probably has to do with the fact that there really isn't a 'typical' 40-year-old woman. Anyways, that's just something I'm pondering about.

Looking good at 45!

2010-02-06T14:50:00.004+01:00

Sandra Bullock was born on July 26th, 1964. I don't want to harp on her age, but she is 45 years old. She barely looks 40, if you ask me, and damn, she looks like a very good-looking, beautiful 40-year-old. But it's not just her looks, Sandra has this charm, this energy, which is just so vibrant and appealing, not just to me. Last year was a year which many said was Sandra Bullock's return to her great career, with two very successful movies. I have to admit I watched 'The Proposal', even though I didn't have high expectations for it. It was funny, but it was a romantic comedy, after all. Generally, romantic comedies are not of the highest cinematic kind, with exceptions - like 'It's complicated'. However, Sandra's performance in 'The Blind Side' was amazing, simply put. I loved the movie, the story was moving and the concept just worked.

I have always had a soft spot for Sandra Bullock. I think she is beautiful, funny and even though I would be horribly star-struck should I ever meet her, I think I would still know how to have a conversation with her, because she seems approachable. I really like most of her movies and performances, one of my favorites is 'Practical Magic'. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for her on Oscar night - I really think she has a shot at winning her first Academy Award for 'The Blind Side'.

Happy first birthday!

2010-02-06T14:17:00.003+01:00

Happy 2010! Yes, it is already February and therefore a teeny tiny bit late for that, but oh well. I haven't been on here in a while and I apologize. Things are hard, every day. I don't know what to blog about, since I don't want to sound completely depressed, because I am not. Life just shows how you have to fight for what is worth having right now. If you are following me at twitter, you'll know that I moved! *YAY* Finally! Into a small apartment, with a bedroom, kitchen/livingroom and bathroom. I am really glad that we found something that has two actual rooms for this price, because my finances are very limited and everything else we looked at had at the most a separate kitchen, but not anything where we could have sat in a different room than the bedroom. Due to the fact that my girlfriend's parents can't/won't support her enough financially, we don't really have enough money. In a perfect month, we should have $100 left over at the end of the month, but since we constantly still need stuff for the apartment we have problems even having enough money for groceries. I have never had to worry about money. EVER. Even though I didn't get a lot of pocket money or was rich per se, I always had enough to not worry about it. I was always able to just go to the movies if I wanted to. Or to go out to eat at a decently priced restaurant with my friends. When I moved away from home three years ago, I easily managed to live off the budget my parents gave me because I am naturally careful with my money. I saved up quite a bit of money, enough to almost fully pay for a trip to see my girlfriend for two weeks. All my parents paid was part of the flight, which was only the smaller part of the cost of the vacation. I never thought that I would be in the position where I had to worry about money, because even though my parents are not rich by anyone's standards, they know how to handle money really well and passed that on to me. Whenever I needed something (a jacket, new jeans, school stuff), I just asked and they paid for it. Yes, sometimes they would say no, especially when it came to T-shirts and things I didn't really need, but more wanted. But I never lacked anything I needed. Now things look quite different. There are a number of things we technically still need for the apartment we simply cannot afford. After rent I will have about 10 dollars left until next week, when my gf's mom gives her grocery money. And even then we have to be very careful what we spend our money on. I don't have a problem being frugal, none at all. But it starts weighing down on you after a while if you don't have money to go to the movies or to go out to dinner for Valentine's day, or even to buy a curtain for your bedroom. Because of my visa status, I can't even work, not that anyone would hire me in this economy. It doesn't seem like this situation will improve much anytime soon, which just worries me, because my girlfriend and I both suffer from the constant worrying about money. She constantly fights about it with her mom too, who thinks it is perfectly fine for me to support her since we are one couple, and doesn't understand that my parents pay for me to go to college here, not for somebody else to do so too. She doesn't get that my parents give me more than 3 times the amount of money she gives her daughter and that I am not willing to give up all 'amenities' of having money (such as healthy food like fruits and veggies, which she says we shouldn't buy because they are too expensive) just because she doesn't know how to handle her money. I can't really talk to my friends about this, because I don't want them to think that my girlfriend is using me or something like this. I know that this is probably not exactly what they would think, but I think there might be some weird feelings. Anyways, this is weighing down on both me and my girlfriend and it sucks.

Now, the title of this post is 'Happy first birthday!' Wonder why? Because one year ago today, my nephew was born! He is such a cutie-pie and I miss him so much, because I can only watch him grow up through pictures. I can talk to everybody else, but not him. And he will have no clue who I am once I go visit in the summer. That is the only downside of having come here, but I guess not everything can be positive. Anyways, he is such a big boy to me already, standing and, I think, walking a bit already, saying two words. Yes, 'Da' and 'Ui' are words, believe it or not!! Anyways, this was a year ago:

And this was a few weeks ago:

Perfectly healthy and happy, despite the fact that he came to us two months early! So happy birthday, favorite nephew!

2009-12-17T21:04:00.002+01:00

I've been thinking about that song and video more lately... This video is one of my favorite videos of all time, for various reasons. That's all I'm going to say for now.

So much sleep

2009-12-12T10:06:00.002+01:00

Last night, after I had written the previous post and cried a little, I went to sleep nap at about 6.30 pm. I woke up at about 5.30 am because my girlfriend was crawling into bed as well. We talked for a while, but fell back asleep at around 7 and finally got up at about 10. That makes around 13 hours of sleep. To say that I was lacking that sleep in the last two weeks is an understatement. You don't just sleep 13 hours just like that. I was mentally exhausted and think I still am a little, but I guess watching 'Precious' today did not necessarily help with that. I'm still here, I'm just not quite there right now. Off to bed now.

Birthday and the holiday season

2009-12-10T22:55:00.003+01:00

Last week I had my first birthday away from home, even though it did not really feel that way, since my dad was here on a visit. I feel like birthdays are something that suck to be celebrated, because they are only actually important to the person whose birthday it is. Nobody ever really cares as much about your birthday as yourself, or maybe your parents. I never had anyone plan a party for me, even as a kid I planned most of it myself, and the older I got, the less fun were the parties. It was always a hassle to try and get everybody together and to find something fun to do and I just started not really liking my birthday anymore. Yeah, I got presents and money, but in recent years it just always seemed like a disappointment, especially last year when my brother and his wife visited on the day of my birthday and so everything was about them and the baby.

This year, I had class and so inbetween classes we went to eat and to the beach, but it wasn't much fun because I was torn between paying attention to my dad and my girlfriend and some stuff that was going on. At night, I went to dinner with my dad, but he didn't want my girlfriend to come with us so it kinda sucked. It was his last day here and I was a bit relieved because I just had too much going on and didn't need him butting into my business and telling me what to do/how to live my life. I got exactly one surprise gift from my parents, which was this little book with political satire that I don't really care about. Yes, I got many presents - a jacket, pair of jeans, new sneakers and a book - but I chose all of those and except for the book those were all things I actually needed. My dad said that the trip we went on was also part of my presents and he kept insisting on the fact that *he* would not have gone to Las Vegas or LA if it had not been for me. I would not have gone to Las Vegas either if it had not been for him visiting, because I had a lot of homework to do over the Thanksgiving break (and by a lot I mean about 25-30 pages of essays and term paper for English) and I would have not been sad had I stayed home all Thanksgiving break. I would have actually enjoyed spending some quality time with my girlfriend, thank you very much.

I know that I sound like a bratty, unthankful kid, but truthfully, I'm not missing my parents that much, like I already said, and there is a part of me that didn't want him to come visit because I just had too much going on and I would have been fine not seeing him till June. As for everybody else, I got birthday emails, but only two birthday cards - from my sister and my grandma - and I don't know if that is because some people didn't have my adress or something like that but I was a bit disappointed. I got presents from my sister, but nothing from my aunt and my brother forgot that I exist alltogether.

Now Christmas is approaching fast and the only thing I feel like doing is sleeping and watching TV. I am completely exhausted from my first semester at College and everything else that had been going on and it just doesn't seem like December to me at all. Even though it is colder now, California is nowhere near as cold as Austria and all the small things I like about christmas in Austria just don't exist here. The decorations here are so corny and there are no christmas markets to go to to drink hot wine punch and freeze your ass off. The athmosphere is different here. If I had my own place to live, I could easily get into the spirit by decorating everything nicely and having a tree and all the little things that make you get into the mood, but I don't so I can't. I'm already hating christmas and we're still so far away from it being over.

This is a really depressing post, I'm sorry about that, but that's how I feel, so there you have it.

I need a holiday!

2009-12-08T18:51:00.002+01:00

I wish I could say life is good. Life is busy, that is what it is for me right now. For thanksgiving break, my dad came out to visit. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that we went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, among other places. It was nice to see him, but I did not miss him that much beforehand and would have probably been able to go till June without missing him too much. I skype with my parents on a fairly regular basis, so I don't really miss them all that much. Which I see as a good thing, I am old enough to not emotionally depend on my parents anymore, even when I financially do. And then again, I am most certainly a mommie's girl, so I probably would have enjoyed her visiting more. So I spent part of my vacation with him wishing he hadn't come so that I could have stayed at home, done all of my homework and spent some quality time with my girl.

What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.

My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.

As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.

This is a rant!

2009-10-27T08:38:00.004+01:00

So don't read if you're not interested, which I would totally understand. I've tweeted about my living situation and how I recently moved in with my girlfriend and her uncle - into a one-bedroom apartment. As you can imagine, this is not exactly perfect - or should I say it sucks? Yes, rent is cheap, but we live in the living room, which isn't huge and we sleep on an airbed. We have almost no privacy and no space to call our own. We want to move into a condo but can't afford even the cheapest place because my girlfriend can't get a job - stupid economy!! - and her mom is barely supporting her enough to feed her. Her parents basically both don't care what happens in her future or at least they don't show their care because neither of them truly supports her, so I do my best, but I have limited means available as well. My parents pay for my school and living expenses, but with paying for part of my girlfriend's groceries I spend almost all the money they give me for necessities. My girlfriend and I fight about money, because we don't have any, and we fight because we don't have the space the give each other some space.

I know that I should be grateful that I have a place to live and that my parents are providing for me and that I don't go to bed hungry, but this situation is slowly starting to eat me up. I don't know how much longer my gf's uncle will let me stay here and I don't know what will happen once he tells me to move out. I literally don't have anywhere to go. I grew up in a nice house and when I move out I moved into this huge room in an apartment that I shared with two other girls where I had lots of privacy and lots of space. I don't really want to move in with roommates, as my girlfriend will not be able to stay over very often and then we won't be able to see each other on a daily basis, which is what we are used to. Because of all the homework, we barely have time to spend any quality time together, and I really don't want to spend any of the little time we have apart. The only solution that seems like a good idea right now is to move into a two-bedroom apartment with her uncle, as he then would be paying her rent. But as of right now, he can't afford to move and he also doesn't seem really willing to move, as he has lived in this apartment for years and we could possibly move someplace else within 5 years. Then, he might have difficulties paying rent in a bigger apartment and what would he do with a 2-bedroom. I understand why he is reluctant, I totally do, but this is just the only solution I have. This is my plan. I don't have a plan B, all I have this or nothing. My girlfriend and I have discussed this issue multiple times in the past days and there just doesn't seem to be a solution. Unless one of us mysteriously wins the lottery or inherits a large sum of money, we will probably still be living in this apartment a year from now.

The situation sucks, I don't know what to do, and I've never been in a situation like this before in my life. I know that a lot of people go through hard times, but with trying to keep up with my homework, trying to get a 4.0 GPA and having a healthy relationship, I just feel like I don't have the energy to figure out what to do. I've been ignoring this problem since the day I moved in here and the longer I live here the harder it gets to ignore the fact that living like that is, quite frankly, below my standards. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled little child, but I've always had my own bed and my own desk and a dresser and even when I shared a room with my sister - for a whole 13 years - I had more space and more privacy. At least then, I could always go into a different room.

The history of hip-hop in 5 days

2009-10-21T09:59:00.004+02:00

Dear god, it appears I'm trying to kill myself. With school very obviously kicking my butt, I kinda, maybe, perhaps, sorta, might have overlooked the fact that I should be reading 4 books for my English class and that I had only started reading 2. Yes, I could have chosen to not start with the one that is 'due' tomorrow, but instead chosen a different book (we get to choose 3 books out of 5), but I had this grand idea that if I can read a 700-page Harry Potter in a day I'll be able to read a 460-page book about hip-hop in a weekend. Well, it seems having to do laundry, dishes, cooking and other random things that need to be done around the house diminishes your ability to read for 8 hours a day. So I still have to read about 80 pages before tomorrow. Yeah, I am crazy, but hey, I have already read too much to give up now. Luckily, I don't have to do a presentation about the book, I just have to hand in my reading journal, which I have been working on while reading, and take part in the discussion.

Still, it seems like I am trying to kill myself by reading too much. Funny, really, as our English teacher keeps mentioning how she thinks we read too much. Ya think? Anyways, I will be able to finish by tomorrow, I'm just not going to get too much sleep. Not that I'm not used to that by now. The book is fairly interesting, but it has slightly too many names and terms in it for it to be an easy read. If I'm having a hard time reading it, then so will most people in my class, based on the fact that most of them hate the book we all have to read and I think of it as really interesting ('1968: The Year that Rocked the World', by Mark Kurlansky, in case you were wondering). I'm already wondering how much of the information I will actually be able to retain, but we will see in my discussion tomorrow.

As for now, I have to go back to reading, so that I can get at least some sleep. More on this will follow soon...

Oh. My. God.

2009-10-13T20:26:00.003+02:00

School is seriously kicking my butt!! I am so busy all the time, I don't have time to do anything apart homework, get groceries and spend some little time with my girlfriend. So far I'm getting good grades - only one B so far - but I just hope that with me not having enough time for speeches and essays that my grades won't slip.

That's all. Not much for now, but I just don't have time to post right now. I'm enjoying my time here, I hardly miss home at all and things with the girlfriend are good, even if we quarrel sometimes. But overall it's good, so I'm happy.

The curse of terrorism

2009-10-12T05:29:00.004+02:00

[I wrote this review for my class, it got published in last week's paper - *yay*.]

The German movie „The Baader Meinhof Complex“ – currently showing in the Hillcrest cinema – relives the crimes of a terrorist group called ‘Red Army Fraction’ (RAF), active in Germany between the 1960s and the 1990s. Andreas Baader and Ulrike Meinhof were the two most prominent leaders of the RAF and saw themselves as revolutionaries in ‘the police state West Germany’. Their generation, born during or right after World War II, was hell bent on not letting something even remotely similar to Hitler and the Nazi Regime happen again and found the German society to be a prisoner of capitalism and a politically motivated press. Their criminal activities cost 34 lives and left hundreds injured. The movie successfully shows what terrorism can do to a country, but also what it does to the terrorists and how their fanaticism ultimately lead to their self-destruction.

To an Austrian, numerous of the actors are familiar faces. The roles were well-cast and the actors did a terrific job at portraying multi-faceted, some-what afflicted characters. Moritz Bleibtreu (‘Munich’), Martina Gedeck (‘The Good Shepard’), Bruno Ganz (‘The Reader’), Hannah Herzsprung and Heino Ferch are all household names in German cinema and theatre. Showing Baader’s anger and fierce commitment to the cause, Bleibtreu’s acting stands out. Bruno Ganz plays the head of the Federal Criminal Police Office with a spooky calm, understanding how and why the terrorists operate so well even his subordinates are worried. The movie is definitely European, maybe even noticeably German – and not just because of the language! Nudity and violence are portrayed differently to American movies, almost in a matter-of-fact way. The violence is not glorified nor hidden, but rather shown for what it was. The style and setting sets ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ apart from how American’s show their history on film. America’s film society recognized the movie for its excellence with one Golden Globe nomination and one Academy Award nomination for ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ in 2009.

Watching the movie almost seems as if it was supposed to be a two-parter. Even though the two thematic halves were closely related, the feel and setting are distinctively different. Running at 2 hours and 30 minutes, one is aware of its length. ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ might have left more of an impact on viewers had the two parts been separated.

Being a true story, the movie succeeds in mixing real news clips from that time with the fictional material. In some scenes, the viewers are placed inside the characters emotional world so well, one cannot help but feel either sympathetic or antagonistic towards the terrorists. An interest in German history or terrorism in other countries makes this movie worth watching, even if it is long-winded at times.

Happy National Coming Out Day

2009-10-11T23:05:00.004+02:00

Today is National Coming Out Day. I have struggled with coming out and am still uncertain when to refer to my girlfriend as my girlfriend and when to say 'my best friend'. I hate, hate, hate lying about our relationship, but sometimes it is just difficult to be perfectly honest. All I know is that being out and open is important for our community, which is why I try to be out as much as I possibly can and why I joined the LGBT-club on campus.

Being out is difficult. Every member of my community knows that and has encountered some kind of discrimination. But as AfterEllen's tag-line states 'Because visibility matters' - visibility does matter. So come out to your family, your friends and be open - as much as you can!

Review of 'Julie & Julia'

2009-09-24T10:54:00.005+02:00

Since I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' as an honors class, I am required to write at least 4 movie reviews. The main purpose is to supply the student newspaper with content, but it is not garantueed that every review is also printed. My first review got printed, so I'm pretty excited about that. The editor changed the title because it was too long and some minor details, but here is the edition that I handed in:

Julie, Julia and the lack of creativity

Meryl Streep probably is the best actress of our time – 15 Oscar nominations and 2 wins speak for themselves. Unfortunately, some of her movies question her choice in roles. ‘Julie & Julia’ is one of those movies.

‘Julie & Julia’ is the story of Julia Child, an American who learns how to cook in Paris, and Julie Powell, an office worker who escapes her world by cooking Julia Child’s recipes. Among the well-chosen cast are Meryl Streep as Julia, Amy Adams as Julie, the great but underused Stanley Tucci as Julia’s husband, the hilarious Jane Lynch and quirky Mary Lynn Rajskub. The acting is solid throughout the movie, but there is only so much actors can do when the material isn’t quite right.

Solid seems to be the theme of this movie – the acting is solid, the music is solid, the storylines are solid, but nothing stands out. It seems as if the writers, directors and editors hadn’t taken any risks and thereby made the movie boring. With its 2 hours and 3 minutes, the movie does not progress as swiftly as it could. Numerous storylines are briefly mentioned – a wedding, a divorce, unsupportive friends, the wish for a baby – but then not touched upon for the rest of the film. This frustrates the viewer, who could have done without these storylines and wouldn’t have missed them at all.

Nora Ephron, who co-wrote and directed ‘Julie & Julia’, was certainly another reason why viewers saw the movie or had high expectations of it. ‘When Harry Met Sally…’, ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘You’ve Got Mail’ are all classics either written or written and directed by Ephron. However, looking back at her last movie, ‘Bewitched’, it almost seems as if she has lost her magic as a filmmaker.

The movie offers a few laughs and a few heartfelt moments, but fails to draw the viewer in completely. Amy Adams is adorable, even through her flaws and breakdowns the audience can’t help but like Julie. Meryl Streep’s acting is consistently great, but Julie & Julia doesn’t allow her to show her skills.

Had the movie been shorter by 30 minutes, viewers might have thoroughly enjoyed watching the story unfold. However, no character or storyline stood out and this movie-going experience will probably be forgotten by many as soon as they leave the theatre.

I'm still alive!

2009-09-19T19:17:00.004+02:00

Hard to believe, I know! My live has been so busy, I don't think I have ever been this busy in my whole life.

I flew to California over 7 weeks ago. I had to look for a roommate, which was one epic fail, as I did find one but a crappy one. Right now, I'm staying with my girlfriend and her uncle, which on the one hand is a good thing because I'm living with my girlfriend, on the other hand I don't really know how long I can stay here. So I'm looking for a room again. School started four weeks ago and so far I really like it. I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' and I love it! We watch a movie each week and even though I didn't like the movie's we have watched so far that much it still is a really interesting class.

Things with my girlfriend are going great, we have our ups and downs but we are definitely happy with each other. It has taken us some time to transition from not seeing each other at all to seeing each other almost or all of the time, but we're getting into the groove now. We're both really busy with school, so we don't always have that much quality time to spend together, but at least we see each other every day.

That's pretty much it for now. Sorry if this seems jumbled and that I haven't posted for so long, but that's life, I guess.

Update on my life

2009-07-24T21:19:00.003+02:00

As you all can imagine, there is a lot going on in my life right now. A very short update on what exactly is happening:

My visa was approved and I already got my passport back.
I've started getting ready to pack, sorting through all of my stuff and deciding on what to take and what to leave here.
Today, we had a family party with all of my family here and I said goodbye to my aunt, uncle and cousins.
Tomorrow, I'm having my farewell party with my friends, we'll play games in the afternoon and go out for dinner, maybe for drinks afterwards.
I'm starting to get really excited, even though I don't even really have time to be excited because there is still so much to do.

That's it for now.

Emmy nominations!

2009-07-16T19:01:00.004+02:00

As I've mentioned before, I really like award shows! Today, the 2009 Emmy Nominations were announced and I'm already excited because I will be able to watch the Emmies live and not in the middle of the night! I have to admit that I don't actually watch too many of the shows that are nominated, but I was actually pleased that 'Grey's Anatomy' wasn't nominated for an award. I think this reflects the poor quality and writing that about half of season 5 was. I am, however, very happy that both Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson are nominated, because those two actresses kick ass on screen! I wish they had considered Brooke Smith, but she was only in 7 episodes and so I can see why they didn't, even though she was FREAKIN' AWESOME in those 7 episodes.

I'm also very excited about Kyra Sedgwick and Toni Colette being nominated as 'Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama/Comedy Series'. I am keeping my fingers crossed for Toni Colette because she showed so many facets of her great talent in 'United States of Tara'. I can't believe I haven't posted about my love for USoT and Toni in it before.

The other nominations that made me smile and go *YAY* are: Tony Shalhoub for Monk (I can identify with him so much), Hugh Laurie for House, Cherry Jones for 24 (I haven't seen her in it, but DYKE!! That just makes me happy, a lesbian playing the first female president.), 'Real Time with Bill Maher' in the new category 'Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series' along with 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report', 'Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List' and 'Kathy Griffin: She'll Cut a Bitch' (Love her comedy specials, she sometimes goes a little far on her show, but she's funny anyways).

So that's my Emmy excitement for now. Let's hope for pretty dresses and for at least one of the Grey's Girls to win the award this year - since both have been nominated before (Oh 4 times, Wilson 3 times).

Back home

2009-07-16T18:49:00.005+02:00

Yesterday I moved from the town I've studied in for the last two years back home. It doesn't feel like I moved back home, since I will leave in exactly two weeks to go to California. I said goodbye to my friends there, which was very weird too. I haven't grasped the concept yet that I won't see them for at least 10 months. Two of my three best friends lived in that town and I know I will miss them. I really hope that we can stay in touch but at the same time I know how hard it is to talk about everything that's always going on in one's life when the other person is so far away. I created a second twitter account just so that I can keep my friends and family up-to-date and I'm thinking about creating a second blog, but I barely find the time/energy to update this blog as often as I would like. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how everything turns out.

Right now, I've mostly cleaned up my room and put everything away. There is a little mess in my room simply because I don't have enough storage to put absolutely everything away, but apart from that it's looking pretty good. I will start going through all of my drawers and cupboards to decide what to keep and what to throw out/sell, since I will not be able to take that much stuff with me. I made my 'packing-list' today and most of my suitcases will be filled with clothes and shoes and such. At least I get to take two suitcases with a total of 100 lbs with me. Those plus my two carry-on items will be A LOT to take care of, since I don't even weigh that much more than all of my luggage will. But I only have to get all of my luggage through customs in Chicago, where I will have to change planes. Oh my...

The idea that I'm not going to be home for 10 months and not see my family and friends still is a bit foreign to me. I can't wrap my mind around how I will feel, but I think that in situations like this it's always hard to know beforehand how everything will turn out. I know that this is the right decision and that I really want this and I will do everything I can to make it work. My therapist was certain that I was prepared as well as you can be for this huge change and that just makes me more certain.

I can't wait what will come my way, even if I can't really imagine it quite yet.

The Calm Before The Storm

2009-07-14T00:14:00.004+02:00

Right now, I am still in the town I study in. I plan on moving Wednesday and have already moved part of my stuff. I wrote one exam today and will write another one Wednesday, but understandably I'm not very motivated to study. Once I've moved and am back home, I will have exactly two weeks until I get on a plane to my new life. Actually, I will only have 13 days, since I will arrive home late Wednesday and will have to leave for the airport early Thursday two weeks later.

As long as I am here, I still have a lot of time. There are numerous things I cannot organize yet and I can't do any of the packing yet either. My room here is already almost empty, all I basically have to do is put everything into my parent's car. It has been weird, today I went to dinner with one of my best friends and it was the last time that we really actually had time to talk. She might help me move a bit, but we will probably not see each other for a year after that. I really want to stay in touch with certain people from my life here, but I don't know what to expect as soon as I'm in California so it's hard to predict what will happen. I've been looking for a room in California, but so far nothing great has come up. It is really hard to find a room when I am here and the room is there.

As soon as I'm home, I will start going through all of my stuff, mostly my clothes and figure out what I'm throwing out, what I'm taking with me and what'll stay. I will be gone for about 10 months and I don't want to keep too much stuff if I'm not going to ever use it again. It will be hard to let go of certain things but I will try to not be too emotional, since the things will be in Austria and therefore out of my reach anyways. I will mostly keep winter clothing, since I don't need that in California - obviously - but I do plan on coming home for Christmas at least once in the next three years.

Normally, my life is very organized. I like making plans and lists and I am really bad at being spontaneous. Really, really bad. Right now, I cannot even plan ahead one month. I can think of all the things that I want, but I have no clue what they will exactly look like or even if I will have these things. I thought that when I got the acceptance email to college I'd be able to sleep better again, but so far I haven't been able to fall asleep at night at all because I have a million things going through my head. I really don't know what to expect and everything will change for me - way more than it did when I moved out.

I am certain that this was the right decision and I can't wait to start college and live my dream. But nonetheless, I'm a little anxious of how everything will work out in the next month. I expect problems and glitches, because you always have to expect those, but I just don't know what they will look like. I'm leaving my security net, that I've been living with for 21 years, behind. It is exciting, but also nerve-wracking. I guess we'll have to wait and see how everything turns out. I'm just not good at the patience-thing.

20 days

2009-07-10T01:35:00.003+02:00

In 20 days,
I will hug her
I will kiss her
I will hold her

In 20 days,
I will study her face while she talks to me
I will fall asleep in her warm embrace
I will see her face light up as she laughs

In 20 days
She will hug me
She will kiss me
She will hold me

In 20 days
I will hold her hand again
I will look in her eyes again
I will feel her presence again

In just 20 days
My life will be complete again

Here we go again: Weight issues

2009-07-10T01:05:00.003+02:00

So I lost some weight. The few people that I've actually admitted that to seem to think it's a significant amount, even though I said I'd lost less than I did. It didn't really take any effort on my part to lose it and I could probably stay at that weight if I tried to. Now that I know I will go to college in the States, my hunger has returned, big time. I'm in the middle of moving, so I'm burning a lot of energy and I haven't actually gained back much. The problem is that I still feel fat. I still hate my belly and I still wish I could just cut a few inches away.

So there are basically two options. Either I don't eat and can somewhat live with the knowledge that even though I have a belly, I don't weight as much as I used to. Or I can figure out a way to accept that if I wanted to have a toned stomach, I'd have to work out a few times a week and since I'm too lazy to do that, I'll just have to live with the belly that I have.

I'm going to California

2009-07-09T00:17:00.004+02:00

"Going to California, yes
To resurrect my soul
The sun is always shining, shining
Or at least that's what I'm told
I'm going to California
Theres a better life for me, yes
Going to California
I'll write and tell you what I see
I'm going to California
Somebody say a prayer for me"

'Going to California' ~ Pink

"Take me to the place where the sunshine flows
Oh my Sunset Rodeo

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's just a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
'Cause we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to L.A."

'Hot Fudge' ~ Robbie Williams (Well, not LA and no green card so far, but almost)

The last two nights, I cried over the uncertainty of my future. I was scared shitless that I wouldn't be able to move to the States and how that would affect my life. But today, I finally was told that I got into college in California! I
was so relieved and happy. There are a thousand things that I have to do and organize and orientation takes place not even a month from now, so I'll be super-busy. I think the news hasn't even really settled in, especially since I haven't booked a flight yet. But I am super-excited and just have to smile every time I think about it.

That's all for now, but there sure is more to come!

Pride Parade

2009-07-03T22:41:00.004+02:00

Tomorrow, Austria's biggest (only?) Pride Parade will take place in Vienna. I've never been. In the last two years, something always came up and this year, I can't go either. I'm a little sad, but there is so much on my mind right now that it barely makes a difference. The only Pride Parade I've been to was in Amsterdam and it was pretty amazing. To be in a town full of LGBTQ people celebrating their identity is very empowering. However, I was with a friend and we didn't know anyone else and didn't speak the language, so we couldn't enjoy the parties at night as much as we would have in a group of people.

Looking at pictures from Pride Parades in San Francisco (Malinda Lo, Lesbian Dad) makes me really wish I could have gone too. I probably won't be able to go to any Pride Parades in the States next year, since if I'll be studying there I will be home in June. There's hoping that I'll be able to go to Vienna, but it's impossible to plan ahead a year right now.

So, to all the people going to the parade in Vienna - Enjoy Pride! I hope it doesn't rain and I'm with you in thought!

Quote of the Week

2009-07-02T15:25:00.002+02:00

"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from."

The incredibly talented, smart and hot Jodie Foster

Weight

2009-06-29T22:21:00.005+02:00

I've been obsessing about weight lately. My own weight, other people's weight, comparing the two, whatever you can think of. Luckily, I don't have a scale in my apartment, or I'd probably be weighing myself multiple times a day.

I've always had issues with my weight. I think that my parents did not instill a healthy relationship with my weight in me. I was always supposed to eat more fruit and veggies and exercise more. For the most part because I am naturally not a sports fan and certainly could do way more. I'm in a terrible shape at 21, even though I don't necessarily look that way. I also have medical issues with sugar and should not eat the amount of sweets that I eat. However, sweets have always been a comfort to me and when I'm stressed out, I need the sugar to kick me into full gear. I need the energy from sugar to keep going, because even the healthiest carbs don't cut it.

Lately, I've been trying to not gain weight because I know that the stressful times won't be over for another 2 months at least and I also know that my nutrition will change once I move to the States. I still hadn't lost the weight that I had gained when I graduated from high school and I always feel like I could lose a little weight. I think that's a thought most women probably share. I have a small build, I'm average height but my bones are definitely very slender. My fingers, arms and legs are naturally thin (my girlfriend says I have 'skeleton arms' - I can without difficulty touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist). The only places on my body where fat sits is on my belly and my breasts. I've always had issues with my belly and it was always the one body part that made me feel 'fat'. I try not to use that word and I really don't like it, but that's how I felt and still feel sometimes.

Since I knew that I was going to probably gain weight if I wasn't careful, I tried some reverse psychology on myself - and it actually worked! The way that I can depend on food to soothe me I can also not eat and be proud of myself for not eating. I realize the way I have lost some weight is not the healthiest, by far not, but right now it is the only way I can do it. If I don't lose weight, I will without a doubt gain it.

Numerous people have commented on my weight loss and even though I deny that I have lost weight, it still makes me feel good about myself. I don't even see it that much, the only part where I actually see it are my love handles. So far I have lost about 10 pounds, which really isn't that much, but apparently that already makes a difference. I notice that I can't eat as much at once anymore, because I'm not used to it. Here, in my apartment, where I cook and eat whenever I want to, it's easy to change my diet. At home, I have to eat with my parents at least once a day and even though I skip breakfast because I sleep almost till noon, I can barely eat the portions that my mom puts on my plate. I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can, which is also difficult at home because my mom buys what they like and I'm a picky eater.

A big bowl of watermelon or cucumber is more filling than one might think and since I generally don't cook meat it's really not that difficult to lose weight. I don't need carbs either, I like bread but I can go without noodles, potatoes or rice. I've been really lazy about cooking lately and that certainly also played a part in my weight loss. When you mainly eat fruits, veggies, bread and sweets it's hard to gain weight.

I know that I have to be careful and not overstep the line of obsessing about it too much. I've always said that I could not develop an eating disorder because I love food too much and I still believe that that's true. I'm just surprised by how easy it has been to lose 10 pounds, when I've not weighed that little in at least 3 years.

Taking care of my parents. Or not.

2009-06-29T00:38:00.005+02:00

I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.

I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).

My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.

I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?

I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.

I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.

I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.

I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.

Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.

It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.

Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.

[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]

Sensitivity, family and friendship

2009-06-21T01:31:00.005+02:00

Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:

"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*

i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.

i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.

i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"

I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.

Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.

The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.

I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.

I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.

Pronouns

2009-06-18T01:10:00.002+02:00

I wasn't going to comment on it, but now I'm getting a bit frustrated with people's inability to refer to Chaz Bono as 'he'. From the press statement that he released, I think it is pretty obivous that Chaz identifies as male. Why is that so hard to understand?

Yes, Chasity Bono was born biologically female. But he came to the very personal conclusion that he was male and while he might not haven gotten surgery yet, that has nothing to do with the fact that he identifies as male. I don't know much about transitioning or transgender people in general, but with the little knowledge I have it seems pretty obvious that when someone identifies one way or the other, people should respect that. Yes, Chaz Bono used to be a little, cute blond girl on national TV, but I think we all agree that those days are long over.

*Sigh*. I just wish people would pay more respect to other people's personal choices.

Quote of the Week

2009-06-17T17:53:00.003+02:00

"Und dann gibt es noch die "Social-Glue"-Theorie, die besagt, dass Homosexualität Aggressionen hemmt bzw. den Zusammenhalt der Gruppe fördert. Sie gilt als Erklärungsansatz Nummer eins bei Bonobos, Delfinen und Spechten. Im Prinzip würde sie auch für Homo sapiens passen: Zumindest gilt die Schwulenszene als relativ friedlich. Schlägereien dürften eher eine Domäne der Heteros sein."

Aus einem ORF On Science Artikel mit dem Titel 'Warum es schule Tiere gibt'. Der letzte Satz brachte mich echt zum Lachen.

"Mimose, scheißt in die Hose."

2009-06-15T01:38:00.003+02:00

Since I was very little, I've always been very sensitive. I cried a lot as a child and was easily upset by other's behavior. Growing up with an older brother, I was forced to learn to not show how he was affecting me. So I started building walls early on and over time I got really good at putting up a facade. Despite all that, I'm still very sensitive, too sensitive even.

I often get upset over other people's inconsideration for my feelings and remarks about how I look, dress or act sometimes haunt me for days. I get very defensive when someone tries to change how I dress because I'm at a point where I am comfortable with my appearance, most of the time at least, and I'm not willing to give that up. I'm not willing to move out of my comfort zone to either adhere to society's ideals or to impress/please other people. I do sometimes put on makeup, but only when I'm in the mood to. Which means that I've gone out to parties or clubs dressed in jeans, a shirt and no makeup on because I just didn't feel like dressing up. I don't care either way if other women dress up, but I feel like I have enough going for me to not need dressing up if I don't feel like it. I don't mind that I blend into crowds and can go unnoticed, because I don't want attention from men anyways and I've been the center of unwanted attention because of how I dress too often - not in a good way.

My appearance and other people judging it is only one thing I'm too sensitive about. My feelings get hurt when my girlfriend doesn't contact me in any way for a whole day. I want to be taken care of and because things have been the way they are - namely, that we are too far apart - the situation has been really hard on me. I haven't been posting much lately because I just didn't feel like communicating. There is only one person I want to talk to and when I can't I don't even want to 'talk to myself', which is how I mostly regard this blog. I am very romantic at my core, even though I will probably deny that in certain situations. I like taking care of my girlfriend, just as I like doing nice things for my friends once in a while. I like to show that I appreciate the people in my life, at least I try to show that. I like sending my girlfriend flowers, just because I know how it will make her feel, I like just randomly buying little things for her to show her that I'm taking care of her, stuff like that.

All the things that I like doing for other people, I naturally also enjoy it when people do things for me. Now the situation is as it is, plus I have a credit card and my girlfriend pretty much is broke all the time and that makes everything even harder. She simply can't afford to do certain things that I can afford. I completely understand that and I don't want her to spend what little money she has on me. But at the same time I still want to be taken care of and paid attention to.

I think it's really hard for me because I will have the worst day and sleep badly when we don't talk in some way or if I wait for her to contact me and she doesn't. She seems to be able to deal with that way better than I do and it just doesn't seem to matter to her as much. We had a conversation about this the other day and she didn't know what I was upset about because it was only ONE day to her when I was completely heartbroken. See what I mean with over-sensitive? I haven't figured out how to deal with this yet. On the one hand, I'm telling myself that it's only two more months, probably less (if I get accepted). Then we will live in the same city or at least very close to each other and we will be able to spend a lot of time together. On the other hand, I have to learn to not have those negative thoughts in my head. I always automatically assume that she's not thinking about me, when I know that she is. But it feels that way to me and that's not fair towards her and just stupid.

I also don't want to ask for her attention. I can clearly remember a story we talked about in my German class. A mother was cooking dinner for her family every night and her kids and husband always just ate it and took it for granted. Until one day she asked them if they enjoyed what she had cooked and they praised her for her cooking skills. The mother should have enjoyed the praise and felt great, but it wasn't the same as if they had just told her without her questions. It shouldn't matter whether someone does/says something nice because you asked them or not, because they still mean it the same way. But it does matter. It matters a great deal. Now there are people like me who are very sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and there are people who will probably never understand what I'm talking about and that's okay. It still doesn't change anything about my feelings.

[My mother used to call me 'her little mimosa' because of my sensitivity. The title says 'Mimosa, poops in the pants', which is something she used to say a lot too. I guess that means that sensitive kids poop in their pants out of fear. Google didn't know it, which surprised me, so I'll have to ask my mom where that saying comes from.]

Kelly Clarkson speaks to me

2009-06-13T23:12:00.002+02:00

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway"

I'm kinda shocked to learn that Avril Lavigne actually co-wrote the lyrics. I love the video and I love the song, because that is exactly how I have felt for a very long time and still feel.

Quote of the Week

2009-06-11T01:19:00.002+02:00

One sees well only with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes.

From 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. I absolutely love that quote.

[Yes, I realize I didn't post a quote two weeks in a row. Lets just say my life and my brain are in a bit of chaos right now.]

Happy Birthday Angelina!

2009-06-04T17:30:00.005+02:00

Today is the hottest woman on this planet's birthday. To celebrate I thought I'd post some of my favorite pictures of her. I have to say, she's aging well - not that she's actually 'old' yet - but she's getting more beautiful every year.

Angelina and her mom

One of the best Oscar dresses ever

Goofing around with Maddox in Venice

This picture was taken by Annie Leibovitz

With Zahara and Shiloh in New Orleans

Jane Fonda is awesome!

2009-06-03T02:28:00.001+02:00

Proof:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Keyboard Cat

Obviously Gloria Steinem rocks too! No further comments needed.

'Gay' PostSecret

2009-05-31T20:30:00.004+02:00

Via PostSecret (5/31/2009):

I don't feel guilty about being gay. Sometimes I'm even very, very happy that I'm gay. I usually don't judge people's feelings, but that statement angers me because it basically says that being gay is caused by sexual abuse and I don't think that that's true. How can you wish for something horrible to have happened in your past? I guess for some people being gay is harder than for others and that saddens me.

New lawsuit against Prop 8

2009-05-30T19:10:00.003+02:00

I'm pretty excited about this lawsuit because I think that they have a chance at winning this lawsuit and it would be on a federal level. The way I understand it, if this goes through (which might take years), marriage on a federal level would be so much more of a realistic possibility than it is now. Why does that make a difference to me? Because right now, if I married my girlfriend in one of the 5 states where it is legal, that would not change anything about my immigration status. If I married a man, I could apply for citizenship after 3 years of marriage and in those three years of marriage I could stay and work in the US under what is called a 'K visa'. And that right there is discrimination.

Sex With Ducks

2009-05-30T15:29:00.003+02:00

I can't stop laughing!!! These two girls are so awesome, check out their other videos too! Their band is called 'Garfunkel and Oates', Riki Lindhome is Garfunkel and Kate Micucci is Oates, both of them are actresses as well. Via Britisshameless

Sexual abuse

2009-05-30T02:20:00.005+02:00

I think in general terms, what sexual abuse is is obvious. To me, anything sexual that happens between two people without consent is sexual abuse. It doesn't matter whether these two people are dating, married or strangers, when consent is missing it is abuse. Child sexual abuse is, in most cases, an adult abusing a child in a sexual way. I think it's pretty much clear that any sexual actions that involve children are illegal and wrong. But, what if these acts happen between two minors? Teenagers having consensual sex is not illegal because there is the argument that they are old enough to make these decisions. I think that is pretty much common sense.

However, what if there is a significant age difference - I think especially when you're a child a few years make a huge difference - and the younger child does not have the possibility to say no. Or doesn't know how to say no. Or doesn't understand what's going on. Where do you draw the line? Where is the line between 'children just being children and curious' and sexual abuse. I think most people remember 'playing doctor' in their early childhood and it is generally seen as normal curiosity about your own body. According to wikipedia: "Playing doctor is considered by most child psychologists as a normal step in childhood sexual development between the ages of approximately three and six years." So once the older child is significantly older than six, are any sexual acts child-on-child sexual abuse?

All of this has to do with psychiatry and emotions and personal experiences that cannot be depicted in an objective manner. I guess you'd have to look at every single case to figure out what it is. Is it really so important to be able to call it a certain name? It seems really important to me, but in the end what effects it has on a person and how they deal with it are probably way more important. Can you blame a child or an adolescent youth for initiating sexual behavior with a younger child when they might not even know or fully understand what they are doing? This kind of behavior certainly has to originate somewhere, but a curious child who grows up around older siblings will probably come across adult magazines/movies at some point.

I'm not sure if there's an answer to all of this. Obviously, exposing a child to sex in any way, shape or form too early isn't good. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your child about how babies are made or that you should completely shelter your child from absolutely everything sexual, but with some common sense most adults know where to draw the line. A six-year-old certainly does not need a graphic description of how babies are made, much less pictures in adult magazines. A twelve-year-old can probably deal with information about sex, STD's and contraception in a meaningful way.

Anyways, just some things going through my head. Maybe I'll one day be able to write down my experiences and share them with this little blog of mine, but right now, I'm not. C'est la vie.

Attention whore

2009-05-28T21:40:00.002+02:00

I realized something the other day that I wanted to write about. In general terms, I am very much not an attention whore. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like having all eyes on me and I generally feel more comfortable in small groups. BUT, when it comes to certain situations, I crave attention like crazy.

I think one of the reasons I fell for my teacher so hard was that she paid attention to me in a way very few people did. She really listened to what I had to say and didn't just treat me like someone unimportant. When I'm talking to someone, the rudest thing that person can do in my mind is not pay attention to what I'm saying. When I'm spending my time with someone, I expect that person to pay attention to me. I am always more than ready to pay attention and I show interest in things that might not be that interesting to me because that other person finds it interesting. When someone wants to tell me something or talk about something, I am more than willing to listen and engage in a conversation. Concurrently, I expect the same from the other person. I've learned that not all people are as interested in movies and tv-shows as I am and I don't talk about it that much anymore, but at the same time I'm not willing to be friends with or spend my time with people who don't have the courtesy to show interest in what I have to say, about anything, really.

When I'm into someone, I can sometimes take it to extremes. I want that person's attention and I want it all the time. I'm in a really weird situation right now due to the fact that my girlfriend lives 4000 miles away from me and when I know that we won't be able to talk/chat, I can deal with it really well. But when I think that we will talk and for some reason we don't I get so disappointed and I will automatically feel like she's not paying enough attention to me, even though that's not true.

I think one big issue I have is that my sister always took up a lot of attention from my parents and growing up I felt like I had to do something to get my mom's attention. The more I care about a person, the more I will want their attention. I think that's not unusual, that's probably pretty universal, but for someone who has always had a problem with getting people's attention it leads to internal issues that become external without the other person understanding what's going on.

I don't really have a point here. I'm not even sure if what I just wrote makes much sense. It's just something that's going through my head right now. (I've written about something similar here.)

Angels & Demons: The movie

2009-05-26T22:51:00.004+02:00

I know, a lot of movies this week. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied, what can a girl say?

If you've been following my tweets, I've re-read 'Angels & Demons' by Dan Brown before watching the movie and that probably wasn't the best idea. I'd forgotten a lot from the book so the changes they had made in the movie probably wouldn't have been as apparent. But I enjoyed the book a whole lot when I read it the first time and so I wanted to re-read it before the movie potentially destroyed the reading experience. Now I have to say that almost always, books are better than the movies derived from them - one exception: 'The Reader' - so I tend to read the book before watching the movie. I like the tension in not knowing the ending and I feel like knowing the end will ruin a book far more than it will ruin a movie.

'Angels & Demons' was a big disappointment to me because they changed so much of the story and they left out so many interesting twists. They also mentioned Robert Langdon's recent history with the church numerous times, which is something I don't remember from the book at all. Since I don't remember 'The Da Vinci Code' that well, this kind of confused and annoyed me. I have to say I really liked Ayelet Zurer as Vittoria Vetra, even though I would have preferred it if they had given her a bigger, or more emotional role. Tom Hanks on the other hand did not wow me at all. Not that his acting was bad, but there just wasn't much of it, I felt he was somehow unemotional throughout the movie.

All in all, I don't think it's worth going to the cinema to watch the movie and I will probably not watch it on TV again either, I'd very much rather re-read the book again.

Movie weekend: Slumdog Millionaire and Wolverine

2009-05-26T01:33:00.000+02:00

[Spoiler alert for Slumdog Millionaire and X-Men Origins: Wolverine]

This weekend, I finally managed to watch 'Slumdog Millionaire' and I have to say it was a bit unexpected. Beforehand, I thought the movie was more of a love story than a drama and now I know it's not. Explains the Oscar win, though.

During parts of the movie I was upset and appalled because I know that the story of these three children is not unrealistic. There are millions of children who are homeless and all of that seems so foreign to me. I don't think that someone who grew up in an industrialized nation can ever know or understand what it is like to grow up without parents, living on the streets, having to take care of yourself at such a young age.

I really liked how they set up the scenes, switching back and forth between Jamal's childhood, the gameshow and the interrogation. I thought that was a great way to tell the story, even though at the very beginning, I couldn't quite make the connection between the questions and the events in his childhood. The acting was really good, especially the children did a great job, considering their age. All in all, 'Slumdog Millionaire' is definitely a movie I can recommend anyone to watch, there are numerous things you can learn about life in India and it's more than just entertainment.

Last night, I saw 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', which obviously is completely different to Slumdog. I have to say that I really liked all of the X-Men movies so far, I especially liked the third one because I felt that the situation the X-Men were in was a bit similar to the situation gay people are in. If someone came up with a cure for homosexuality, I'm sure the reaction would be similar - some would want to be cured, some would struggle with the decision and the pressure from their families and friends and some would still want to be gay. So I was easily able to identify with the X-Men, and also with their status as outsiders.

'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' focuses on the story of Wolverine, obviously. The movie starts out at the very beginning, when Logan/Wolverine is just a little boy and discovers his otherness. I really liked how the relationship between Logan and his brother Victor was set up and how they showed them drifting apart. The movie was well-balanced between action scenes, dramatic sequences and dialogue. I was really impressed by how much muscles Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber had packed on, it made their fight scenes more impressive in a way. The theme of 'You're not an animal' versus Victor attacking on all fours stuck with me too, because it just showed well the difference between the two brothers.

All in all, I have to say that I liked Liev Schreiber's acting even more than Hugh Jackman's, Liev really freaked me out when he was on 'CSI Las Vegas' too, because he just plays his creepily calm so well. So if you liked the X-Men movies, you'll probably also enjoy Wolverine! It's not a movie that will get you thinking, but it's definitely good entertainment.

Happy First Birthday, Blog!

2009-05-24T17:50:00.006+02:00

One year ago today, I posted for the very first time here. A lot has happened since then:

I decided to quit university here and applied for college in the US.
I got to know my girlfriend and started dating her.
I grew up a lot, taking over responsibility for my life and my happiness.
I became an aunt!
I organized a trip to the US with no help from my parents and traveled there on my own (even paid for most of it on my own).
I started therapy and am facing demons from my past.

And that's only the big stuff! I think the past year has been one of the most life-changing ones, together with the year I graduated from high school and moved out. I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine last night, about all the things that had been going on in our lives. We concluded that things that seemed really big and important a year or six months ago don't even make us bat our eyelashes today. Just looking back on what I wrote in November (here and here) shows a big difference to where I am at right now in my life.

What I hope is that a year from now, I will have adjusted well to my hopefully new life and that I will have grown as a person. If not as much as the past year, then at least enough to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better student and a better person for myself.

Coming out story - Part Three

2009-05-22T18:37:00.000+02:00

Voilà: Part One and Part Two

So by age 18, I was out to my parents and to my friends and I was starting to meet other LGBT people. I wasn't really out at school, since I didn't want people to talk about me more than they already did and I felt no need to be out to people who didn't like me to begin with. I wasn't in your face out but I was comfortable with my sexuality and with the people in my life knowing. When I first started going to LGBT-events, I lied to my mom and made up excuses to where I was really going, but after three or four of these lies I thought to myself 'She dealt with me being gay, she might as well deal with me knowing gay people'. My parents had told me that they didn't want me to tell anyone that I was gay and they were slightly disappointed/uncomfortable when I told them that my friends all already knew.

So things pretty much stayed the same in that area until I graduated from high school and moved to a different town to study there. I didn't know anyone and had to make new friend and had to come out all over again. People never think that I might be gay because I don't 'look gay', or as I call it, 'I don't look like the stereotype', so it always comes as a surprise to people. The difficulty I encountered, which I think is pretty universal among members of this community, is not knowing how someone might react. There are many people who don't know or think that they don't know anyone queer and they very happily live in their heterocentric world. Most of them don't even have that much of an opinion on gay people, since they pretty much are oblivious to it. They know that homosexuality exists, but it's a very abstract thing that has nothing to do with their lives. So even with nice people you can get weird or bad reactions to your coming out. The point is, you just never know.

I decided that I didn't want it to be a big deal, but I also wasn't going to go back into the closet. So when I started being friends with two girls I am still friends with I told them pretty soon, basically by saying that I wasn't into the kind of girls that were at the bar we were at. Their reaction was basically, 'Oh, okay' and they asked me a few things about how I found out and things that had to do with me being gay. I was positively surprised by their reaction, since one of them is Catholic and I wasn't sure how religious she was. I got the best reaction ever from one girl who is pretty much the obvious outsider that I am too. I told her that I was gay straight out and she said 'Wow, how cool! So do you have a girlfriend?' She went through very similar experiences in highschool (being bullied and picked on) and so she has that compassion and respect for outsiders that I feel one has when they grow up with these experiences. Since those three people were the only ones I was really friends with and how were more than just acquaintances, they were the only ones I told. The other people who knew me and these friends basically found out by hearing me talk about it with my friends.

Until I met my girlfriend, being gay and out was often more of a theoretical concept. Unless I told someone, nobody knew and since I didn't have a girlfriend, it was easy not to talk about it with people who didn't know me well. Of course, all of that changed when I started dating my baby. I'll write about that in Part Four.

Quote of the Week

2009-05-20T19:50:00.003+02:00

"I'm different than other women and by different I mean better!"

Veronica (Portia de Rossi) on Better Off Ted

"You are family"

2009-05-20T18:43:00.004+02:00

So far, the plan for my future was me going to California to study there and, as my girlfriend was going to live there too, move in with her. She has lived there before, with her uncle, and we were going to either be roommates with him or get our own place. Last night, she told me that her mom had decided to go to Cali too and that they wanted to get a big place all together. I have to say that I was really surprised and shocked by that news. My first reaction was to say 'Great, but I'm not moving in with your mom'. My gf living with her mom would/will make it way easier for her to go to college and I'm really supportive of that idea.

BUT, do I really want to move in with my girlfriend and her mother? What they say is that we would be just like roommates and that my gf and I would have our own area. I'm still not sure if I really want to do this. I mean, yeah, I can always look for my own place and move out if it doesn't work out and that will be easier than looking for a place while I still live here. At the same time I know that me moving out when I've already lived there for a while is going to be really hard on my gf and therefore on me. Anyways, this will be a decision I have to take on my own and I'll have to think about it some more, but what I wanted to write about was the conversation that took place last night.

I was on the phone with my baby, talking about all of this, and she got frustrated with me and gave her mom her phone so that she could talk to me. I basically told her that I wasn't opposed to them moving in together AT ALL (not my place to be anyways) and that I thought it was great that my gf could go to college then, but that I just didn't know how I fit into that. What she said in response to that completely shocked me and left me pretty much speechless.

"You are family." When I was out there, my gf's mom and I didn't talk much, she didn't seem particularly interested in me and I tried staying out of her way. Obviously, it's pretty complicated because of my gf's relationship to her mom and I'm not going to go into detail, but all in all I did not expect her to say that. She then also said that my gf loves me and that I make her happy, which I knew, but hearing that from her mom was completely different. She pretty much acknowledged our relationship the way we see it, as a serious one, and not just some internet fling. And she acknowledged me as something good in my gf's life, as opposed to 'the girl who turned her daughter gay' or something along those lines (For the record, she never said anything like that, I didn't turn anyone gay, but there was some uneasiness about me being a girl at the beginning).

I moved out of my parents reach and supervision less than two years ago and it took me a while to get used to the independence and freedom of living on my own (with roommates). I think moving in with my girlfriend will be a big step, one that I'm very happy to take and fairly certain that it will work out well, based on us not wanting to kill each other after spending 2,5 weeks together non-stop, 24/7. But her mom being there is still going to be different, because I know I can't just view her as a roommate. I can't pretend that she's not who she is.

"Good, how are you?"

2009-05-16T15:01:00.005+02:00

This week I almost completely lost it in therapy. A number of things have been stressing me out a lot: the application to the college in the US, whether they would accept me, having to go to university here when I have no motivation whatsoever to go, the fact that one course I'm taking this semester is way too difficult for me (economics) and two are boring me to death (law and marketing), being so far apart from my girlfriend, difficulties with my mom. We only covered two of these things in therapy, but that was enough to almost make me cry. Since I have this issue with crying, I didn't. But I pretty much still felt like crap when I left.

I'm home now and talked to my mom and having told her what is stressing me out made me feel better. I feel like she has less power over how I feel about going away now that she knows that I'm not doing that well either. It's not like I want to study abroad because I want to get away from them, but sometimes she makes it seem like that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let her give me a bad conscience for wanting to do what I think will make me happy.

I certainly have anxiety issues. My therapist says that panic attacks, of which I almost had two, are my psyche's sign that there is something I should adress. I know that I am good at pretending that everything is fine, towards myself and towards others. So if I keep going the way I have in the past I'm heading right to a full-blown panic attack. I hope that there is going to come the day on which I don't have to lie to myself about how I'm doing or how I feel. I'm starting to make progress, eg this morning when my mom asked how the party yesterday was, I truthfully told her that it wasn't that great because most of the people there were couples and that being alone wasn't all that fun. But it's small steps, one at a time and talking to my friends yesterday showed that I'm still nowhere near to where I should be. I still always say that I'm doing well when asked, even though I'm clearly not.

I don't even know what to say...

2009-05-13T19:12:00.002+02:00

Sandra Bernard and Madonna on David Letterman in 1988, according to Bernard they were a couple back then.

Quote of the Week

2009-05-13T12:47:00.000+02:00

"The journey is the reward."

Chinese Proverb

It took me a long time to really understand that, as in German, it is 'Der Weg ist das Ziel' which literally means 'The journey is the goal'. To me that makes less sense than 'The journey is the reward.'. But anyways, I love that proverb.

I just couldn't help it....

2009-05-12T23:01:00.003+02:00

I got sucked into this whole Twitter thing. There's only so long a girl can resist temptation. So, you can find me @ChrisakaNelfy where I'm still figuring out how all of this works. Oh well, we'll see if I will actually post more than once a month, but I am intrigued by saying interesting stuff in only 140 characters. So, I'll try.

Oh God, shoot me already!

2009-05-12T21:54:00.004+02:00

I watched an episode of 'The Tyra Banks Show' today, titled 'Gay is the new Black', a show dealing with the LGBT rights movement. I was, obviously, pretty infuriated by what some of the people said and so I wanted to write down a few things. If, and I say that with a BIG if, I had to ever discuss marriage with a Christian fundamentalist, here's what I would very calmly explain:

Being gay is not a choice. No one in their right mind would wake up one day and say to themselves 'Today, I want to be discriminated against, treated like a second class citizen, called names and stared at.' If being gay was a choice, then homosexuality wouldn't exist in parts of Africa, Southern Asia, parts of The Middle East and parts of Central Asia because there, being gay is illegal, with penalties ranging from fines to death sentences. Who would want to be executed based on a choice? (Source)
Marriage has been continuously redefined throughout history. In ancient Europe 'marriage was more or less a business agreement between two families who arranged the marriages of their children' (source). In 1967, the American Supreme Court overturned the ban on interracial marriage. That happened just 42 years ago! (You can find an interesting timeline to the history of civil marriage in the US here.)
Jesus was friends with the outcasts, he talked about love and humility and turning the other cheek and forgiveness of sin. "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Hate and judgment are not Christian values.
Maybe the most important point: Marriage equality is not about the church. Equality is about the law. Religious freedom is protected by the law just as gay rights should be. No person in their right mind would try to force your church to marry gay couples. Marriage equality is about the 1,138 statutory provisions (rights, benefits, privileges) that the state allows married couples. This has nothing to do with your church or your religion or your faith. It only has to do with equal protection under the law.

Now that I've written down the most important points I would mention, I feel slightly better because all of that makes perfect sense. But when I think about it I just get frustrated again because I KNOW that it is pretty much impossible to get these points across to a religious fundamentalist. Mainly because they have God on their side and if God is on their side, they are invincible! *Big Sigh* And that is why I try to stay away from overly religious people and not get sucked into discussions like that, because there is just no way I can have a decent conversation about this.

I have to quote Tyra because she said something really true and beautiful: "I do respect everybody for their beliefs, you know, I respect this side and I respect this side, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but one thing that is important to me is realizing pain in a human being and whatever you believe, whether you don't approve, [...] how they live their life. To me, what hurts is the lack of empathy for pain. Not gay, not straight, but pain."

AfterEllen Hot 100 List 2009

2009-05-11T10:13:00.004+02:00

The list is online! And I have to say, I am pleased with our no. 1, Portia de Rossi, even though I didn't vote for her. She's beautiful, funny and a great actress, and she has spoken out for marriage equality in almost every interview I've seen with her in the past months, so that makes me very happy.

The Top 10 this year are:

Portia de Rossi
Jennifer Beals
Lena Headey
Leisha Hailey
Sarah Shahi
Rachel Maddow
Tina Fey
Sara Ramirez
Angelina Jolie
Gro Hammerseng

Now let's see how my nominees fared:

Sara Ramirez #8
Angelina Jolie #9
Jennifer Beals #2
Leisha Hailey #4
Bridget McManus #28
Kate Winslet #13
Salma Hayec #85
Scarlett Johansson #78
Pink #25
Catherine Zeta-Jones

Women of Color:

Sara Ramirez #8
Jennifer Beals #2
Taraji P. Henson
Michelle Obama #97
Rose Rollins #22

Out Lesbian/Bi Women

Sarah Warn - AE staffers were deliberatly not put on the list
Rachel Maddow #6
Leisha Hailey #4
Bridget McManus #28
Clea DuVall

Women Over 40

Kate Walsh #38
Jodie Foster #39
Sela Ward
Eva La Rue
Diane Lane # 19 on the Over 40 list

Overall, I think the list really does fulfill it's main purpose, showing the general taste of lesbians in women. I don't appreciate people saying that the list is stupid or wrong, because basically what they are saying is that 150,000 voters in general disagreed with their personal taste. So to those who critizise the list: Why do you think you KNOW who the hottest women according to women are, when you don't believe a list that was established through voting? There is a reason the list is called 'AfterEllen.com Hot 100', because it is a list created by the readers of AfterEllen.

I think it's great that the AE staff goes through all the hard work each year to bring us this list and that's why I'm just really happy that this list even exists!

I heart Rachel Maddow!

2009-05-08T12:32:00.002+02:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I mean, seriously, how awesome is this video?

BTW, this is my 200th post! *YAY* Rachel more than deserves to be in that post. Can't believe I've had this much to say in less than a year. Thanks for reading!

Coming out story - Part Two

2009-05-07T19:09:00.006+02:00

Part One

Even though I knew that I was gay by age 15, I didn't know anyone else who was gay. I knew about a girl who went to the same junior high school and about the rumors that she was gay, but that was it. At 16/17, I tried to meet other gay teens through going to a gay bar, but that was one Epic Fail. The gay bars in my hometown were in fact 'gay' bars, as in gay guys. I didn't really know where to go and I wasn't out or bold enough to go to the local LGBT-center. I had looked at its website, but most pictures had either old women or young men on them, so it wasn't that appealing to me. When I was 18, a friend of mine informed me of this LGBT event that was taking place in our city hall and invited me to go. So I went there, with her and another friend of hers, not knowing anyone and slightly scared of what would happen. The event itself was nice and interesting, an award was given for special commitment to the LGBT community and I met a really nice guy who told me about the local youth group.

A few weeks later, I went to the regular local lesbian gathering and again met some really nice people. Most ladies at that event were definitely way older than I was (10-20 years) and knew each other really well, so I knew that I wouldn't fit in well. But, the person who organized this event also co-organized the youth even that I had already been invited to. So that was one of the next events that I went to. Through the youth group and the LGBT-group at our local university I got to meet some really nice queer people who were more within my age range and I made some friends. I finally had a sense of community and belonging that I had been missing all my life.

As far as I remember, I came out to my parents about 9 months before I first went to these events. I still know exactly when I came out to my parents, I just don't quite remember when these events took place. I can remember that I just couldn't handle the lies anymore. I had a great relationship with my mom and I felt like I was keeping this big part of who I was and am from her. So I decided that I would just tell her and see how it went. I talked about it to my best friend but her reaction simply was 'They are your family, they'll always love you.' While in theory this is true, I knew that coming out to my parents wasn't going to be that easy and there was always the chance that they wouldn't love me anymore. So I went and talked to the one person I knew would be able to actually support and help me in this situation - my teacher. In one of the 15 minute breaks we had daily at school I approached her and told her that there was something I wanted to talk to her about. I remember that I was incredibly nervous and that I was shaking a lot and tried like hell to hide the fact that I was shaking. I was so nervous that I just flat out told her that I was going to tell my parents that I was gay. Her reaction was a really positive one, in that she said she would of course talk to me and try to help me in the best way she could but that she didn't really have any experience with the subject. I let go of a big sigh of relieve and took a deep breath to face the challenge still ahead. I think either on the same or on the next day we sat down together after school and talked about it all, how I had realized that I was gay, why I wanted to tell them and what I was expecting/what she thought I had to expect. She told me that she had thought about it in terms of how she would react would her daughter tell her that she was gay. Overall, talking to her was one of the things that really helped me through my coming out and knowing that the woman I had admired for so long didn't think anything bad about me simply because I was gay gave me a lot of strength.

Two or three days later, I was sitting on the kitchen counter, my mom was doing dishes, when I told her that we had to talk. Then I just said 'I'm gay'. I don't actually remember myself saying that, I just remember the moment before and her reaction. She laughed and thought that I was joking, but when she turned around and looked at me she realized I wasn't. She asked how I suddenly came up with that idea and I told her that I'd known for a while. Then she asked when I was going to tell my dad and I said that I wasn't sure yet and that I would rather wait. My mom told me that she loved me, which is something I was and still am really grateful for, but I knew that she was shaken up. When my dad came home later that day, she asked me again when I was going to tell him and when I saw the look on her face that said 'I can't keep this a secret from him', I decided to tell him right away. He too thought that I was joking at first and then he poured himself a glass of alcohol and told me that he still loved me, but that he needed a drink. All in all it went by better than I had expected, as I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario. It took a while for the shock to sink in and a few days later my mom came and talked to me and she actually cried. They didn't want me to have children and my mom wanted me to see a doctor to see if there was a chemical imbalance in my body that had 'caused this'. I played along because I knew that it was important for her and I also knew that that was not the case, so I didn't have anything to fear. Incidentally, the doctor she wanted me to see told her that she should be proud of me for having the strength to tell her and that I was on the right path.

Part Three will follow soon...

Quote of the Week

2009-05-06T22:15:00.002+02:00

"And certainly, when society fails to tell your story, there is an unspoken message, that the story is not worth telling. [...] To love, that is the larger task which connects us all. That is the narrative to which I hope we all can strive. [...] And when two people love each one another, that in and of itself is a miracle and a blessing. [....] Love is by definition sacred. Not some love between some people, but all love between all people. How could anyone say that one person's love is more sacred than another person's? If it is indeed love, it is sanctified. If it is indeed love, the right to marriage is not questionable."

The amazingly beautiful and eloquent Jennifer Beals, Glaad Media Awards June 11th 2005

New Taylor Swift Video

2009-05-05T21:44:00.003+02:00

Taylor Swift recently released her new video for 'You Belong With Me' and it's absolutely cute! The song just is a bit bitter-sweet but with the nice positive ending and the video is just very feel-good to me. And those glasses! Enjoy, I certainly did!

Coming out story - Part One

2009-05-05T21:17:00.002+02:00

I read FosterEema and FosterAbba's coming out stories at their blog, Navigating the Maze: Foster Parenting and Life and that inspired me to write down my coming out story. I'll split it up into a number of posts, since it's been a few years.

When I was a little girl, I was always way more drawn to women than to men. I had crushes on the girls on 'Baywatch' and on real women in my life, even though I didn't realize that that was what it was. I can still remember having a huge crush on my parent's co-worker when I was about 13 or 14. At the time I thought that I wanted to be LIKE her, not be WITH her. I also wanted Chris and Cory on 'Pacific Blue' to date when they moved in together, even though their relationship clearly was only a best friends friendship. In junior high school, aged 10-14, I always felt different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just knew that I was.

I did have two 'boyfriends', but we were really only best friends. I liked them a lot, but looking back I think it was more about the experience of 'being in love' than actually being in love, if that makes sense. I held hands and cuddled with both of them, but with the first it was clear, at least to me, that that was all that was going to happen. With the second, I felt like I wasn't ready, when in reality, the thought of kissing him made me want to literally throw up. I guess I did really think that that meant that I wasn't ready for kissing, I don't think that I was aware of homosexuality or its existence (Meaning that I might have known about it in abstract terms, but it never crossed my mind).

Things started to make more sense to me when I entered high school and completely fell for a female teacher at 15. I was going through a rough time and didn't have anyone to talk to and she had told us that we could always tell her about our problems so I did. My mother was ill and my friends didn't really understand how I felt and her adult view on things helped me a great deal. The way she treated me was new to me, because she actually listened to what I had to say and she took me seriously. I wasn't used to being treated that way by an adult and so I fell for her, hard. When I came out to my friends later that year, the difficult part wasn't that I was gay but that I was in love with her. It took me a while to tell all of my friends (not that I had that many, but still) and there were times where they did react in a negative way.

I can remember one specific incident that happened in the second or third year of high school. We all went out for Halloween and got drunk. A friend of mine brought a friend that I'd only met once before and I crushed on her. It seems that I flirted with her and played footsies, even though I have no recollection of that because I was drunk and not aware of what I was doing. Two of my friends went back home with me to stay there for the night and one of them freaked out on the bus. She told me that I couldn't just flirt with our friends and that that was different to being in love with a teacher and that she was our friend so she was off-limits. Which I guess was weird because we all only knew her very loosely and had just met her for the second or third time. I guess that that friend of mine wasn't as cool about me being gay than she and I both had thought. After that, we never talked about it again and I wrote it off as her being drunk. She did though, two years later, accuse me of trying to steal her BOYfriend, after she had broken off most contact because of him (We still went to school and dancing lessons together, which is where I apparently flirted with him). Yeah, still not sure if she really understood the concept of me being gay, even though she did think that gay's should have equal rights and shouldn't be treated any different (or so she said).

Throughout the 5 years of high school I always had an unusual relationship with my teacher crush. I adored her and talked to her when I felt I couldn't deal with something on my own. I also followed her around on field trips and was way too much into her for my own good. During my last two years, when I tried really hard to be over her, we were almost friends, as much as teachers and students can be. She told me about a few things in her life which to me meant that she trusted me. When I finally wanted to come out to my parents, I told her first and she helped me a great deal. It was weird talking about being gay and how I had fallen for a women when the women in question was sitting right opposite of me, but I highly doubt that she ever had any clue. She knew that at times, I overstepped certain lines and she firmly reminded me of them. Her 'rejection' hurt a lot, but it also taught me a lot. Having known her had a great impact on me and even though things didn't end the way I wanted them to due to an issue between her and my class, I will always remember her as someone special. Not only was she the first person I was really in love with, but she also taught me a great deal about life and love and forgiveness.

Part Two

Wikipedia is down!!

2009-05-05T20:12:00.002+02:00

The end of the world is coming! Wikipedia is down, I don't know how long that has been going on, but Oh. My. God! What will I do? Neither the German nor the English version will load on my computer, while every other page loads without problems. How will I survive? Where will I get my information from? Will I die of intellectual deprivation?

Know your story

2009-05-02T12:16:00.000+02:00

Throughout this process of going to therapy and thinking a lot about myself and my past, I've started talking about things that happened when I was little that I have never talked about before. I never thought that it was a big deal, but finally talking about it made me realize that it did affect me and that it wasn't as unimportant as I made it out to be. If you don't talk about something and suppress the memories, it's rather easy to call it 'little' and 'nothing'. With the way it has been affecting me in the last week(s) I have to admit to myself that it did have an effect on me and still does. I'm not ready to actually write about it, or give it a name, because I still don't really know myself what it was.

This weekend, I'm going to my brothers' to see my nephew and my family, since it's been a while that I've seen them. The thought of spending time with all of them has been scary to me to, since this issue with my past has been so present in the last week and given me so much to think and wonder about. The memory of my childhood is hazy, at best. It's hard for me to figure out what really happened and why since I hardly remember anything and am not sure how much I can trust the things that I do remember. While the 'easiest', at the same time really difficult option would be to just ask, that would mean facing something bad and at the same time the person who was involved and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Even though the two people I've talked to about the issue both recommended that option and I can see why it would help me, I'm so afraid because I have no idea what would happen if I did. I also don't know how much I can trust what that person would tell me, since they have motive to lie about it.

I will be spending less than two days with my family, but the prospect of that has been stressful to me like little else. I still haven't packed as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to get on a train in 9 hours and get some sleep too. I have what my girlfriend calls outlets that help me deal with stress. I had to use three of those tonight to deal with my restlessness and even though I got to talk to my baby for a short while I still feel nervous and anxious. I should have studied yesterday and tonight, but was mentally not in a place to. I feel like I am not functioning at all anymore. I'm not as neat as I'd like to be, which increases my anxiety, but I can't do anything about it because I'm anxious. I managed to go meet a friend today and that was good, but I had a hard time not thinking about the issue and I mostly vented to her about other things, which is really something that bothered me. I feel like my mind is constantly alert and tense and it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm in a circle that is hard to break because I have stuff to do with university here and college in the US and I can't take a break right now to concentrate on that.

At the same time, I feel like I'm just so ridiculous. I'm making a way bigger deal out of it than it is. Basically, I had a good childhood, I always had everything I needed and in general my parents did a decent job. They supported me and always loved me and their mistakes are very much in the range of 'Parents are only humans too'. So fuck all of this, I will go pack now. It's not like I need that much stuff anyways, for two days.

Marlee Matlin on The View

2009-05-01T18:21:00.003+02:00

Marlee was on The View this week to talk about her new autobiography 'I'll scream later'. I actually really liked the segment and the questions they asked, probably also because Elisabeth and Sherry didn't butt in much.

I really want to read that book because I admire Marlee for what she has achieved and she seems to have grown and become an amazing person through all the difficult times in her life. She is definitely a strong woman to look up to.

Add Someecards to my internet addictions

2009-05-01T00:41:00.004+02:00

Really, I could spend hours browsing through all the ecards on there, they just crack me up. Most of them are pretty much exactly my kind of humor. And yes, I've written about them before, but I just visited the site again after I hadn't been there for a while, so that already warrants a post in my world.

So, so true... *Grins*

Shipping wars - GRS vs. Callica

2009-04-30T20:25:00.000+02:00

Okay, this post isn't really about shipping wars. It's more about which ships I have been invested in. The last post about Calleigh and Eric got me thinking about all the other on-screen relationships I've been highly invested in, so I thought I'd fill you in.

I wanted to just make a list for now, with hearts showing how much I was invested in the couple, ranging from 1 ('interested, but not invested') to 5 ('completely obsessed') and I'll try putting them into the chronological order (which really is harder then it seems).

Welcome to the lovelife of my past:

Cory and Chris, Pacific Blue YY
Prue and Andy, Charmed YYYY

Kim and Kerry, ER YYY

Lorelai and Luke, Gilmore Girls YYYYY

Sara and Grissom, CSI YYYYY

Jack and Samantha, Without a Trace YYY

Samantha and Martin, Without a Trace Y
Dana and Alice, The L Word YYY

Cameron and House, House MD YYY

House and Stacy, House MD Y

Fritz and Brenda, The Closer YY

Lilly and Joseph, Cold Case YY

Callie and George, Grey's Anatomy YY

Bette and Jodie, The L Word YYY

Alice and Tasha, The L Word YYYY

Cameron and Chase, House MD Y

Callie and Erica, Grey's Anatomy YYYYY

Tina and Bette, The L Word YYY

Alicia and Caitlin, Cashmere Mafia YY

Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy YY

Calleigh and Erica, CSI Miami YY(Y) - not quite sure yet how much I'll obsess

Wow, I didn't think that list would turn out to be that long, as I'm pretty certain I forgot some couples. One thing that's for sure, though, is that real-life relationships are so much better than on-screen ones!

The internet is addictive!

2009-04-29T23:08:00.002+02:00

Who knew? Right now I'm being pulled into Twitter, as if blogs, Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and Youtube weren't enough already. I don't need another internet invention, I don't have the time!

Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...

Newest Ship: Calleigh and Eric!!

2009-04-29T19:33:00.004+02:00

I must confess: I have a new obsession. Since my latest favorite pairing was broken up so painfully, it took some time for someone new to replace that and honestly, there won't be a pairing I'll be as obsessed about as Callica for a while. But, I've been on a bit of a marathon since I came back from my trip. I've been watching CSI Miami's season 7, sometimes four episodes a day. Since the season started, I've been excited about Eric and Calleigh and their possible romantic entanglement. Actually, I think I've been excited about this ship as early as season 6, episode 10, "CSI: My Nanny", during which Eric and Calleigh talked about having a family (not with each other, at that point).

I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Calleigh, the southern belle with the weapons interest. For a very short while, I wanted her and Horatio to date, but that idea got thrown out of the window pretty fast. Now, I'm completely into her and Eric, mainly because they just fit and they make a cute couple.

It seems as if 'HipHugger' is the only semi-universal name for the couple, because that's something they do. Putting their names together wouldn't really work well, so I won't even try that. I just can't wait what the future holds in store for them!

Naturally, those two are not the only reason why I've been on that CSI Miami marathon, I also really like Natalia and I'm very intrigued by the new M.E. Dr. Tara Price. But, having a ship makes every show more interesting, in my mind!

Vulnerability

2009-04-27T23:20:00.005+02:00

I haven't been able to talk to my girlfriend yet, unfortunately, but we texted and she's not going to kick me to the curb in the near future. We are going to talk about what happened and I'll probably apologize five more times, since I feel so bad that I can't stop myself from apologizing over and over again, even when she tells me to stop.

I had class today, with the two closest friends I have apart from my girl, and naturally I wasn't in the best mood. Normally, when I'm not in a good mood, I'll cover it up and still smile and make jokes, but today, I just couldn't. I'd already talked to one of them on the phone and later on told the other one parts of what had happened too. Both noticed my bad mood, obviously, and one of them asked me if there was anything she could do to help. She also asked me if I was eating, since I seemed even paler than usual. It felt nice, knowing that they were there for me, but at the same time I didn't really want them to comfort me, since I only had myself to blame. I mean, yes, part of the problem is that I'm so far away from my baby and that makes things way harder. But the rest of it was my fault, so I don't really deserve to be comforted. Anyways, this one friend said that I normally always have something funny to say and that she felt so bad for me because I didn't seem like myself.

Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've become more open with my feelings and I've started showing them more, mostly to her, but also to my friends. I'm the first person to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is perfectly fine when it's not, because I don't trust people that much and because I don't want people to focus too much on me. When I tell someone about my problems, I will almost always also ask about theirs in the same conversation, because I don't want to feel like I'm just dumping my stuff onto them. That will probably never change, but I'm having less of a problem of being open and honest about my feelings recently. I would say that my decision to not finish university here and to finally take my life into my own hands also had an impact on that, but only partially.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm noticing a number of changes, some of them bad, most of them good, since I've fallen in love and actually had that person return the love. (Well, she was the one who fell in love first, as she likes to point out, but you get what I'm saying...) It is as if I'm more in touch with my feelings again and using my head less to control my heart. What is interesting is that all of these changes and things like me starting therapy and deciding to move to the States for real, me falling in love and going to America on my own to meet her, are happening all at once. It's like all of this is connected and supposed to happen at the same time, since it works together so well.

Whatever the future may bring for me, I know that I can face those challenges with my head held high, because I'm taking my happiness into my own hands and that is something I never thought possible.

Attitude problems

2009-04-26T21:44:00.002+02:00

I had an absolutely amazing trip and just loved spending every second of my day with my girlfriend. But, naturally, not all things are perfect, they never are. Last night, we ran into a problem again that we've had encountered during my time there too. I have a bit of an attitude problem, you could also call it a temper. And sometimes, when things are not going my way, I can be rude, as my girlfriend puts it. I'd say I'm just plain mean. Looking at the situation hours or days later, I can see that I was being mean, but when I'm in that place I can't help it.

What's so fucked up about this is that for me, being rude or mean is a sign of weakness and so I don't let most people see that side of me. I'm almost always still polite, even when I'm pissed off. But since I can even cry in front of my girlfriend and not be ashamed/regret it lateron, I can also show her that side of mine. Which is messed up.

Last night, I thought we were going to talk, but she couldn't, for a reason I can now accept. But in that moment, I was so hurt because I had looked forward to talking to her so much, that I took it out on her. Which obviously hurt her. We fought about my behavior and after some time passed, I apologized. I made things worse by trying to rationalize my behavior and now things are rocky, at best. There isn't anything I can do except apologize and tell her that I'm working on my attitude problems, which I am. But I can't promise her that it will never happen again, because sometimes, I can't control myself.

I think one reason why I spend so much time alone is because it takes a lot of energy to always be nice and friendly and polite and to always be there for everyone. I need a lot of time alone to go through all of the feelings I don't let out during the day. When I'm with her, I don't really need that time, because I can show her what I feel. I just need to work on not taking things out on her, even if it might partially be her fault - which yesterday, it wasn't.

All of this is very much fucked up and I would love to take back what I said to her, but I can't and I'm learning that the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to forgive me and not kick me to the curb. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that, knowing that it was all my fault and that I made her break up with me.

AE Hot 100

2009-04-26T15:17:00.000+02:00

This Friday, voting for the AfterEllen Hot 100 ended and I managed to still get my nominations in. *YAY*.

Here's my list and last year's list, to compare if you're interested.

My 10 nominees for the AfterEllen Hot 100:

Sara Ramirez
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Beals
Leisha Hailey
Bridget McManus
Kate Winslet
Salma Hayec
Scarlett Johansson
Pink
Catherine Zeta-Jones

This year, there were also three more categories to nominate women in: Women of Color, Out Lesbian/Bi Women and Hot Women over 40. I think it's pretty awesome, because that way you can put your focus on one specific group of women which should be celebrated along with women overall.

Women of Color:

Sara Ramirez
Jennifer Beals
Taraji P. Henson
Michelle Obama
Rose Rollins

I decided to nominate Sara and Jennifer twice, since they are both definitely among my top 10, no matter what list it is. Other women who didn't make my list: Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams, Jennifer Lopez

Out Lesbian/Bi Women

Sarah Warn
Rachel Maddow
Leisha Hailey
Bridget McManus
Clea DuVall

Okay, so technically, Clea DuVall isn't out. But frankly, I didn't care, I just wanted to nominate her anyways. Other women who didn't make my list: Liz Feldman, Raimy Rosenduft, Cat Davis

Over 40

Kate Walsh
Jodie Foster
Sela Ward
Eva La Rue
Diane Lane

In case you don't know her, Eva La Rue plays Natalia Boavista on CSI Miami and damn, she's one good-looking woman! Other women who didn't make my list: Julianna Margulies, Maura Tierney, Meryl Streep, Diane Sawyer, Julianne Moore

I can't wait to see the list and see who's the hottest woman this year. I was very pleased with 2007's winner Leisha Hailey and even though I don't think she's that hot, she's pretty funny and a great actress, so I didn't have anything to complain about 2008's winner Tina Fey.

Perez and Miss California controversy

2009-04-21T18:08:00.003+02:00

First off, I have to say that I don't know much about the Miss USA pageant - I guess knowledge from Miss Congeniality doesn't really count - and I don't know how important the pageant actually is. That said, I still have an opinion about what happened during last weekend's event.

I think if you haven't read about that yet, watching Perez Hilton on Larry King will probably give you all the information you need.

I'm surprised by how Miss California answered the question, since her answer was just factually wrong. Americans do not have the right to choose between same-sex and 'opposite' marriage (is that really what it's called??)! There are only four states in which gay marriage is legal, so I wouldn't call that a choice. Four out of fifty. That's 8 percent. Approximately eight percent of the population has a choice, which I guess is about the same percentage of Americans who are queer. That is what really bothers me most, she has her facts wrong. It's not her opinion, it's her facts!

What I like most about this story is that Perez did a great job on Larry King, he seems professional and stands up for his and our rights. Yes, I wish he wouldn't call her any words, but apart from that, he comes across as well-informed and honest about his intentions. He can be really mean on his blog, but with this interview he did catch my attention as someone who deserves respect for how he stands up for the LGBT community.

Back from THE Trip

2009-04-18T23:27:00.003+02:00

I've been back from America for a few days now, but still have some trouble really returning. The one word most fitting to describe the trip is: intense. We had so much fun, laughed and cried together, really got to know each other and now it just sucks being so far apart.

I learned quite a number of things about myself on that trip and am still somewhat processing everything that happened. I sleep a lot and try not to be too sad that I'm back here, all alone. I keep thinking about August and all the things that I still have to do before I can leave and go be with my girlfriend again. I can't wait to leave this country, it's hard to believe that I have to go to university for 3 more months here and put my energy into this.

I really don't have anything else to say. I miss her and I miss just being with her, doing the simple things like having dinner or watching tv or shopping for groceries and I can't wait to finally move there and be with her.

"You're kind of pathetic."

2009-03-22T20:25:00.004+01:00

I received an interesting comment on my last post. And by interesting, I mean laughable. I shouldn't even give any attention to it, but it made me laugh. Someone, of course not bold enough to leave their name, left the following comment on my last post:

"You're kind of pathetic. Have you no life outside of
your homosexuality?

Gaygaygaygaygay. Get a life."

Okay, so first: I'm just kind of pathetic. Well then, I have nothing to worry about. Who cares about kind of pathetic?

Second: No, I don't have a life outside of my homosexuality. Do you have a life outside of your heterosexuality? Because if you do, I'd think you're not as straight as you think you are.

Third: You leave comments on blogs you shouldn't even *want* to read in the first place. Who's the one without a life?

Fourth: Fuck off.

That's all. Have a nice day, whether you're gay or straight!