Happy first birthday!

Happy 2010! Yes, it is already February and therefore a teeny tiny bit late for that, but oh well. I haven't been on here in a while and I apologize. Things are hard, every day. I don't know what to blog about, since I don't want to sound completely depressed, because I am not. Life just shows how you have to fight for what is worth having right now. If you are following me at twitter, you'll know that I moved! *YAY* Finally! Into a small apartment, with a bedroom, kitchen/livingroom and bathroom. I am really glad that we found something that has two actual rooms for this price, because my finances are very limited and everything else we looked at had at the most a separate kitchen, but not anything where we could have sat in a different room than the bedroom. Due to the fact that my girlfriend's parents can't/won't support her enough financially, we don't really have enough money. In a perfect month, we should have $100 left over at the end of the month, but since we constantly still need stuff for the apartment we have problems even having enough money for groceries. I have never had to worry about money. EVER. Even though I didn't get a lot of pocket money or was rich per se, I always had enough to not worry about it. I was always able to just go to the movies if I wanted to. Or to go out to eat at a decently priced restaurant with my friends. When I moved away from home three years ago, I easily managed to live off the budget my parents gave me because I am naturally careful with my money. I saved up quite a bit of money, enough to almost fully pay for a trip to see my girlfriend for two weeks. All my parents paid was part of the flight, which was only the smaller part of the cost of the vacation. I never thought that I would be in the position where I had to worry about money, because even though my parents are not rich by anyone's standards, they know how to handle money really well and passed that on to me. Whenever I needed something (a jacket, new jeans, school stuff), I just asked and they paid for it. Yes, sometimes they would say no, especially when it came to T-shirts and things I didn't really need, but more wanted. But I never lacked anything I needed. Now things look quite different. There are a number of things we technically still need for the apartment we simply cannot afford. After rent I will have about 10 dollars left until next week, when my gf's mom gives her grocery money. And even then we have to be very careful what we spend our money on. I don't have a problem being frugal, none at all. But it starts weighing down on you after a while if you don't have money to go to the movies or to go out to dinner for Valentine's day, or even to buy a curtain for your bedroom. Because of my visa status, I can't even work, not that anyone would hire me in this economy. It doesn't seem like this situation will improve much anytime soon, which just worries me, because my girlfriend and I both suffer from the constant worrying about money. She constantly fights about it with her mom too, who thinks it is perfectly fine for me to support her since we are one couple, and doesn't understand that my parents pay for me to go to college here, not for somebody else to do so too. She doesn't get that my parents give me more than 3 times the amount of money she gives her daughter and that I am not willing to give up all 'amenities' of having money (such as healthy food like fruits and veggies, which she says we shouldn't buy because they are too expensive) just because she doesn't know how to handle her money. I can't really talk to my friends about this, because I don't want them to think that my girlfriend is using me or something like this. I know that this is probably not exactly what they would think, but I think there might be some weird feelings. Anyways, this is weighing down on both me and my girlfriend and it sucks.

Now, the title of this post is 'Happy first birthday!' Wonder why? Because one year ago today, my nephew was born! He is such a cutie-pie and I miss him so much, because I can only watch him grow up through pictures. I can talk to everybody else, but not him. And he will have no clue who I am once I go visit in the summer. That is the only downside of having come here, but I guess not everything can be positive. Anyways, he is such a big boy to me already, standing and, I think, walking a bit already, saying two words. Yes, 'Da' and 'Ui' are words, believe it or not!! Anyways, this was a year ago:


And this was a few weeks ago:


Perfectly healthy and happy, despite the fact that he came to us two months early! So happy birthday, favorite nephew!

I need a holiday!

I wish I could say life is good. Life is busy, that is what it is for me right now. For thanksgiving break, my dad came out to visit. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that we went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, among other places. It was nice to see him, but I did not miss him that much beforehand and would have probably been able to go till June without missing him too much. I skype with my parents on a fairly regular basis, so I don't really miss them all that much. Which I see as a good thing, I am old enough to not emotionally depend on my parents anymore, even when I financially do. And then again, I am most certainly a mommie's girl, so I probably would have enjoyed her visiting more. So I spent part of my vacation with him wishing he hadn't come so that I could have stayed at home, done all of my homework and spent some quality time with my girl.

What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.

My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.

As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.

Taking care of my parents. Or not.

I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.

I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).

My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.

I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?

I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.

I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.

I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.

I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.

Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.

It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.

Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.

[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]

Sensitivity, family and friendship

Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:

"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*

i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.

i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.

i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"

I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.

Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.

The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.

I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.

I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.