Great friends = great support

Having seen almost all of my friends by now, and talking to them about some of the difficulties I face in loving a person with a horrible past and emotional problems, I was reminded by how good friends they were. They didn't judge, they didn't tell me to get out of a relationship that was at times difficult and the one thing Ms. K and Ms. L both said was 'As long as you are also looking out for yourself and you're still taking care of yourself,...' It is easy to judge other people. It is easy to think you know better. But both of them, and also my other friends, know that I didn't need/want their judgment. I wanted someone to talk to. And I really cherish the fact that while they had things to say about what we were talking about, it wasn't about how they felt or what they thought I should do. They showed that they cared about me and about my relationship and that while they couldn't really imagine what it was like, they understood me. I was a little afraid that they would judge my girlfriend or tell me to get out of a relationship that is at times difficult, but luckily neither of them did. And I am really thankful for that, because I don't want out of this relationship. At all.

I sometimes compare what is going on with my girlfriend to someone having cancer. It's not their fault they have cancer, but it an extremely difficult and painful thing to live through, not just for the person who is sick, but also for the partner/friends/relatives. Obviously, is someone becomes sick, you don't think about getting out just because it is hard. My girlfriend doesn't have a physical illness, but a mental illness. Yes, it is different in some ways. Yes, sometimes she hurts me because she is sick and can't help it. Does she hurt me on purpose? No! Does she regret hurting my feelings? Yes! Have I hurt her feelings before? Unfortunately yes.

It is always easy for people to judge other people's relationships. But I don't believe that a relationship in which no party has ever hurt the other party exists. My gf has hurt me and made me cry and there were a moment or two in which I had to gather myself and take a break before I could go back and accept her apology. She doesn't hurt me on purpose and when she apologizes, I always know she means it. Most of the time she feels worse about what she did/said than I feel afterwards. I have forgotten most of our fights and even the ones I haven't, I have forgiven. And I have hurt my gf too, I'm far from being a saint! I have said thing that I regretted later on, which I apologized for and made amends. I have knowingly said mean things once or twice, because we were fighting and I was mad. Does that make me a worse person - because I said something just to hurt her? Probably. But it's not really about who is a better person. Because we are both pretty good people. It is about the fact that no matter how hard it is, so far we have always managed to make it work and for the most part, we are both happy.

My gf is a great person, who has lived through horrible things and therefore has unique challenges. And as hard as it is sometimes, it is also totally worth it. Because she loves me and she cares about me and she makes me happy. Even though my friends don't experience that, because they haven't met her yet and probably won't for another two years (except for Ms. L, who might come visit soon!!! *YAY*), they don't criticize us or our relationship and I'm really thankful for it. It gives me strength to have their support.

Back from vacation

I spent the last week and some days on vacation, first with my family, then at my friend's place. The family vacation was okay, but I didn't really get along with my brother and sister so it wasn't that great.

However, I had a blast with my friend, Ms. L. Even though we hadn't been in constant contact over the last year, we re-connected immediately and it was just really nice to talk to someone who knows me as well as she does. We spent the three days together talking, catching up on the details that get lost in the ocean that seperates us, and simply enjoying life. Her time off from school had just started, so we both didn't really want to do anything. We cooked together, walked around town and watched some TV. I really felt how good it was for me to have my friend around and just share some of the things that had been really difficult during the last year. I tend not to talk about difficult things on the phone or through email, for multiple reasons, so it was nice to be able to talk face-to-face. It helped me process some of what had happened during the last year and just made me feel better.

We talked about her visiting me at home for a few days, if her work schedule permits it. I really hope that this will work out, simply because I had such a nice, relaxed time with her.

I also met my friend Ms. K, who I've written about before. All is well between us now and I'm really glad that we met and talked and caught up on all the stuff we missed out on in the last year. Even though now I feel closer to Ms. L, while when I left it was the other way around, things with Ms. K worked out really well too. We spent a nice lunch and afternoon together talking and doing some shopping and she might visit me at home too.

I have three more weeks at home and in a way, I can't wait to go back to the US and to my girlfriend. But, I also want to enjoy my time here and use it to meet friends, spend time with my family and just enjoy life. I have been stressed out for so long it's hard to remember what it feels like to be relaxed, so I want to try and have as much quiet time as possible. Sometimes, I feel a little torn between the social responsibilities and my personal needs, but mostly I'm just not stressing out about stuff anymore. Most things just aren't worth it.

The strains a relationships can take on friendships

I have this very dear friend of mine, Ms. K, who was basically my best friend when I went to university in Austria. She knew me really well and we shared many secrets, things we didn't tell anyone else. But, when I moved, things with my girlfriend started happening that were private. And these things made my friendship with her harder. I want to tell her about the things that worry me, and why I'm not as happy as everybody else thought. I want to tell her about the difficulties I have being in a relationship with someone who needs more love and attention due to mental health issues. I want to talk to her without holding back, without weighing my words and trying to figure out what I can and what I can't talk about.

But with her, it's harder than with other friends. She knows me better and deeper, even though we only lived near each other for two years. It's harder for me to only tell her half-truths, so I withdrew myself from our friendship. I know that it wasn't fair towards her, because she didn't know what was going on, but it was the only thing I knew to do. She sent me a message asking what was wrong, whether I was okay and why I hadn't been in touch with her for so long. I told her a few basic things, things I felt I could tell her without neglecting my girlfriend's privacy. There are so many horrible things in my girlfriend's past I'm trying to deal with. The difficulties I have with processing what my girlfriend has told me show me how hard it must be for her to have lived it. But I'm processing all these emotions on my own and I can't really talk to the people I would have talked had it been my past or any other subject.

Luckily, Ms. K wasn't too hurt or mad at me and understood where I was coming from. She told me to tell her what I feel comfortable with and she wasn't going to ask any further. I know from experience that she is the kind of person who will listen, but also understand if you can't talk about something. Now I have to take the plunge and actually call her and hear her voice again for the first time in months. I fear that I'll start to cry because I did miss her friendship quite a bit, even if all the other things that were going on moved those feelings to the back of my mind. I have a best friend who happens to be my girlfriend now, but I think having two best friends is going to work out just fine. I just have to try harder to make it work.

Sensitivity, family and friendship

Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:

"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*

i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.

i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.

i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"

I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.

Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.

The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.

I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.

I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.

"Mimose, scheißt in die Hose."

Since I was very little, I've always been very sensitive. I cried a lot as a child and was easily upset by other's behavior. Growing up with an older brother, I was forced to learn to not show how he was affecting me. So I started building walls early on and over time I got really good at putting up a facade. Despite all that, I'm still very sensitive, too sensitive even.

I often get upset over other people's inconsideration for my feelings and remarks about how I look, dress or act sometimes haunt me for days. I get very defensive when someone tries to change how I dress because I'm at a point where I am comfortable with my appearance, most of the time at least, and I'm not willing to give that up. I'm not willing to move out of my comfort zone to either adhere to society's ideals or to impress/please other people. I do sometimes put on makeup, but only when I'm in the mood to. Which means that I've gone out to parties or clubs dressed in jeans, a shirt and no makeup on because I just didn't feel like dressing up. I don't care either way if other women dress up, but I feel like I have enough going for me to not need dressing up if I don't feel like it. I don't mind that I blend into crowds and can go unnoticed, because I don't want attention from men anyways and I've been the center of unwanted attention because of how I dress too often - not in a good way.

My appearance and other people judging it is only one thing I'm too sensitive about. My feelings get hurt when my girlfriend doesn't contact me in any way for a whole day. I want to be taken care of and because things have been the way they are - namely, that we are too far apart - the situation has been really hard on me. I haven't been posting much lately because I just didn't feel like communicating. There is only one person I want to talk to and when I can't I don't even want to 'talk to myself', which is how I mostly regard this blog. I am very romantic at my core, even though I will probably deny that in certain situations. I like taking care of my girlfriend, just as I like doing nice things for my friends once in a while. I like to show that I appreciate the people in my life, at least I try to show that. I like sending my girlfriend flowers, just because I know how it will make her feel, I like just randomly buying little things for her to show her that I'm taking care of her, stuff like that.

All the things that I like doing for other people, I naturally also enjoy it when people do things for me. Now the situation is as it is, plus I have a credit card and my girlfriend pretty much is broke all the time and that makes everything even harder. She simply can't afford to do certain things that I can afford. I completely understand that and I don't want her to spend what little money she has on me. But at the same time I still want to be taken care of and paid attention to.

I think it's really hard for me because I will have the worst day and sleep badly when we don't talk in some way or if I wait for her to contact me and she doesn't. She seems to be able to deal with that way better than I do and it just doesn't seem to matter to her as much. We had a conversation about this the other day and she didn't know what I was upset about because it was only ONE day to her when I was completely heartbroken. See what I mean with over-sensitive? I haven't figured out how to deal with this yet. On the one hand, I'm telling myself that it's only two more months, probably less (if I get accepted). Then we will live in the same city or at least very close to each other and we will be able to spend a lot of time together. On the other hand, I have to learn to not have those negative thoughts in my head. I always automatically assume that she's not thinking about me, when I know that she is. But it feels that way to me and that's not fair towards her and just stupid.

I also don't want to ask for her attention. I can clearly remember a story we talked about in my German class. A mother was cooking dinner for her family every night and her kids and husband always just ate it and took it for granted. Until one day she asked them if they enjoyed what she had cooked and they praised her for her cooking skills. The mother should have enjoyed the praise and felt great, but it wasn't the same as if they had just told her without her questions. It shouldn't matter whether someone does/says something nice because you asked them or not, because they still mean it the same way. But it does matter. It matters a great deal. Now there are people like me who are very sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and there are people who will probably never understand what I'm talking about and that's okay. It still doesn't change anything about my feelings.

[My mother used to call me 'her little mimosa' because of my sensitivity. The title says 'Mimosa, poops in the pants', which is something she used to say a lot too. I guess that means that sensitive kids poop in their pants out of fear. Google didn't know it, which surprised me, so I'll have to ask my mom where that saying comes from.]

Decisions

I can make my own. With all the thinking I've been doing about my future, my education and what jobs I would like to do, I somehow forgot that that's not the only area in my life in which *I* can decide. I'm starting to be independent and take over responsibility for my own life, so why should that be any different when it comes to my relationships.

Berlin was somewhat exhausting to me. The friendship just doesn't feel right to me anymore and I'm not willing to invest energy if, in the end, it hurts more than it helps. I talked about this whole issue today in therapy and my therapist told me 'Ultimately, it's you who decides'. I hadn't really realized that up until now, I was always trying to be accommodating to other people's wishes and needs, which is okay sometimes. But if the whole relationship hurts me then I need to put myself first and finally do what I've wanted to do for a while now.

There were some small incidents that irritated me way more than they should have and I had a hard time letting them go. I realized that I have evolved and I have started taking my own decisions more even when there is type A personality around. I have no problem doing my own thing even when the others would rather I didn't because it would suit THEM better.

I am done with the friendship. I'm not going to get into touch with them anymore and if they want to, I'll be friendly and nice, but I won't be out there in the open anymore. I have what I would call casual friendships with people who I tell some stuff and don't tell other things and I don't feel guilty about it because we're not BFFs. That's exactly what I'll do with them. This way, I can distance myself and protect my feelings and find closure.

Of course, like in every group, not everybody can always do what they want and not everybody will always be happy. But it is my right to stand up for myself and get what I want at times. I know that it's not their fault that I've been too accommodating, clearly, but at the same time, I feel like they don't know how to deal with the 'new' me.

So we'll see. I'm happy with what I was finally able to see today and I think that now that someone told me 'It's okay to do what's right for you even if it's not what the other person wants.', I'll be able to really take that to heart more. I think I've not been following my own advice, which kinda pisses me off, when I think about it, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but still. And I am proud of myself for standing up for myself.

Unplugged - Berlin edition

In about half an hour, I'll be leaving for Berlin. With the two friends who I felt didn't care about me. We talked a few days before Christmas and I told them what I felt like and they admitted that they didn't really have enough time. I didn't get a real apology, which bugged me a bit, but at least they were able to see my side of the friendship struggle that I've been going through. For them, the fact that we weren't talking often (more like every 2-3 weeks) did not mean that we weren't as good friends anymore and they didn't think that I would have trust issues just because of that. Well, I do, that's just how I am and has a lot to do with my past experiences with friendships. So we are going to use this trip as a way to reconnect and I think that I'll have fun.

I haven't really been posting much in the last few days, mainly because of the holidays and because I was constantly on the phone with this one very special person in my life. I know that I'll miss hearing her voice for 4-5 days, but I'll survive. It's my own damn fault, so I have to suck it up and try to still have fun even though I'll miss her.

I don't have any posts written/scheduled, so I'll probably update either on the 2nd or the 3rd of January again. Expect lots of pictures of Berlin and New Year's Eve.

I wish you guys a Happy New Year and we'll 'see' each other in 2009!

"You're good with people"

That's what a friend at university, Miss L, told me about two weeks ago. I couldn't stop myself from laughing, because that's probably the last thing I would say about myself. I've been thinking about her comment, wondering why she would say that. I know that she wouldn't say it unless she meant it.

People are quick to judge others. What surprises me is how easily they offer their judgment to others. I form opinions as well, naturally, but I usually keep them to myself. I know that there are certain people that I will never get along with because we are simply different, but that doesn't mean that I don't like them. I'm just indifferent. I can get annoyed by other people's behavior, especially if they are being mean, but that doesn't mean that I'll let everybody else know how I feel. I don't like all the gossip and the talking about people who aren't there to defend themselves. Last year, I had a huge disagreement with a friend of mine. She did something that truly hurt my feelings and I told her that I didn't want her to contact me because I didn't trust her and probably never would again. Up to this day, I haven't told anyone what had happened. I told one friend, who doesn't know her, that I had a fight with a friend of mine and that she had hurt my feelings and lost my trust, but I never said what she had done. Last week, I met another friend who had been contacted by that person and when that friend asked me about our fight, I told her that I didn't want to hear from her, but I didn't say why. There are always two sides to every story and she has every right to tell her side but I'm not going to talk badly about her just because she hurt me. What she did to me shouldn't affect her relationship to other people, unless it had something to do with them, which it didn't.

I hate it when people trash-talk others. I get that not everyone can be friends, but that doesn't give you the right to talk badly about others. I'm not going to say that I never do that, but I usually talk about how their behavior affects me. I hate when someone trash-talks another person they hardly even know. How can you judge someone after having talked to them for five minutes? Sometimes I wonder whether people realize that their disapproval can be easily seen on their faces.

Last night, Miss L and I talked again, about her comment, and I told her a few tidbits from my past. In junior high and high school, I was the outsider, no surprise here. I already had a very distinct sense of fashion, which meant that I refused and still refuse to wear something just because it is trendy. I was never among the cool kids and that made me an easy target for bullies. It never was as bad as it can get, but I got made fun of plenty. That is a part of my past that I hardly ever talk about. I know that I'm an outsider and I probably always will be to some extent, because I have a very hard time fitting in and I refuse to change myself just to fit in. I'm mostly okay with that and I carry being special with pride. But the fact that I was bullied is something that I want to bury in the past.

Miss L said that when you go through something like that you lose all trust in people. I have never thought about my past this way and I think she's right. I generally don't trust people. There is not one single person in my life (IRL) who knows everything that's going on right now. Once I trust someone, they can learn a lot about me in a short period of time, but that privilege can be lost easily as well. I try not to depend on others too much and I think this whole people-in-my-life-not-caring-thing has hit me as hard as it did is because I did trust them. They know a lot about me and if they wanted to it would be fairly easy for them to hurt me. Letting someone in makes you vulnerable.

I was at the Christmas party of the student organization I work at tonight and out of the approximately 50 people I knew 3. I mainly tried to stay close to one of them and talk to them, because most people at the party knew at least some people fairly well. At times I just stood there, looking around, not talking to anyone. I have a hard time making small talk and when people talk to someone they know I will not get into the conversation. At one point, the 'host' took pity on me and made me take part in the game of the night. The goal was to find out who the nickname on a piece of paper referred to, ask them for their riddle/exercise, solve the riddle/do the exercise and in return get a 'password' from them. There were 7 nicknames and when you had all the passwords you got a prize. I didn't take part in the game at first because I didn't know any of the people the nicknames could have referred to and so I saw no point in trying to figure it out, because I couldn't have solved it on my own. The host paired me up with this girl who I actually had known before but who didn't remember me and together we were able to get all the seven passwords. I had no problem walking up to the people to ask for the riddle, because I knew what we would talk about. What I am completely unable to do is start talking to someone I don't know because I won't know what to talk about. Small talk isn't a great option when they know enough other people to have an interesting conversation with. At one point I was so frustrated and bored that I just wanted to leave, which I guess showed because that's when the host made me take part in the game. And this is exactly why I know that I'm not good with people.

But I understand why someone else would think that. Because I don't trash-talk others, I am friendly and nice and am interested in what other people tell me. I just don't trust them and won't tell them anything meaningful about myself. I've also generally stopped talking about films, tv-shows and actresses because people are just not interested and I'm tired of them letting me know through their body language that they don't care. If people don't know you well they have a hard time judging you based on anything else than appearance and your behaviour. When someone judges me now based on my style it bounces right off. I've grown confident in my style and I will only wear clothes that I feel comfortable in. As I'm friendly, there is no reason for anyone to be mean based on that. I've learned to blend into the background well enough so no one will care enough to bully me anymore. People won't notice or remember me if I don't want them to. And that saddens me a bit.

On a side-note: I realize that the older you get, the less likely someone will openly make fun of you. Bullying is something that openly happens when growing up, but there are so many ways in which adults can let you know how they truly feel about you that I am glad that I know how to not appear on anyone's radar.

Caring

I don't need constant attention. I don't need to be the center of attention. Heck, there are numerous situations in which I'd rather not be the center of attention, in a group of people just to mention one. I like to think that I have a healthy dose of self-centeredness, meaning that I can put myself before others to protect myself. I have no problem listening to someone talk or tell a story. But if I'm having a conversation with you and just with you, I want it to be a dialogue. Not a monologue, a dialogue. If you tell me a story that takes time or update me on what's going on in your life or need to vent, by all means, I will listen. But a conversation can't just be about you.

If you give me the impression that you want to spend time with me and then don't ask me one single question about myself, I will get the impression you just want to spend time with me so you can listen to yourself talk. If I need to be the one who starts to talk about myself, I will feel like you don't care. I was brought up to think that it is disrespectful to just talk about yourself. If you ask me a question, let's take 'How did you come out?' as a completely random example, I will tell you about myself, but I will also be interested in your experience and will ultimately ask you the question back, because it is the polite thing to do AND because I want to know.

If you want to talk about yourself and solely yourself, buy a diary or start a blog. Because if you don't show interest in me, I will ultimately start to retreat. I can only take indifference for so long. The problem is that I can't make you care. If you don't care, you don't. If I tell you to care, you will only do so because I told you to. So please, don't waste my time. Either you care and you show it, or you will lose a friend. It will take time and you will one day wonder, 'what happened to her?', but you won't know because there is nothing I can do about your indifference.

Then there is this other thing: When I'm hurting, I will expect you to ask why. If I don't want to talk about it, I will tell you. But when I'm hurting, I want it to be about me. I want it to be about my feelings. I don't want to hear about you in that moment because *I* am hurting. I think I was probably around 13, maybe even younger, when we learned something very valuable in school. When a friend is in a difficult situation and is hurting, you shouldn't make it about yourself. I think that the example that was used was that the person had a fight with its sibling and wanted to talk about it. We played through two different scenarios: One in which we started talking about our own siblings and how we always fight. The other in which we ask about our friend's feelings and how the fight could be resolved or something like that. I don't remember the subject or which teacher we talked about this with, but I will forever remember the lesson. There are problems that can be solved by bringing your own experiences into the equation. But sometimes, it is better to just focus on the other person and by talking to them about their feelings, helping them. It will make the other person feel better when you inquire about their feelings, because they will see that you care and that you want to help, even if you can't offer a solution.

Now the question I have to ask myself is: What do I do when my friends don't care? As I said, I can't make them care. Do I cut off all contact? Do I slowly retreat? I've stopped investing a lot, because I can't invest when nothing is invested in me. And I'm not talking about mere acquaintances here. I'm talking about friends who've known me for over a year and who once seemed more interested in me. Maybe my memory serves me wrong and they never were. But lately I've been really noticing the lack of interest and it hurts me, because they send me mixed signals. On the one hand, they want to spend time with me. But when we actually meet, it's all about them. And right now, it's not as if there wasn't anything going on in my life. It's not like I don't have anything new to tell them about. But I'm not the person to force myself onto others. If they don't show interest, I will assume that they aren't interested and therefore won't 'bore' them with my life. I had a conversation in which I told one of them about something very new in my life and her reaction was 'You never tell me about stuff like that'. I was actually pissed at her for saying that, because, as I replied, 'Well, this is the first time that I've made this experience and this happened a day ago, so I would say that I am telling you about it.' She should have known me well enough to know that this was new.

Le sigh. Once again, I'm asking myself: What will I do?

Could she care any less?

Jeez. I am really ticked off right now. Please tell me if I'm wrong, stubborn or failing to see the bigger picture, because right now all I am is pissed.

After not having answered her questions about how I am twice in our last conversation (Skype chat, not 'real' conversation), I thought I should at least be honest.

Her: How are you?
Me: Short answer? Still alive...
Her: so busy? or so cold?
Me: no, not really busy, I'm not motivated right now anyways. just tired
Her: ok. I'm gonna go to bed now.
Me: do that

And that was that. Before that part of the conversation took place, I had asked her whether she was at home on the weekend so we could meet. She was able to squeeze me in, because she's super-busy as always. I get that. I get that she works part-time, goes to university and has 5 million friends. But does she know that my birthday is coming up? Does she remember that the last time we talked on the phone, I was pretty f*cking beat? Does she notice that she never contacts me, I'm always the one who has to start a conversation, or else we wouldn't even have one? Does she care about me at all?

I would say that she's one of the best friends I have IRL, which probably says a lot about my IRL friends. I wonder what she would say.

I know that she has a lot on her plate and that she's busy and can't be there for me all the time. But this? F*cking unbelievable to me. If it had been the other way around, I would have at least asked whether she wanted to talk about it or whether I could do anything to help. I guess she's one of a kind to me and I'm one of a crowd to her.

Friendship struggles

Up until two years ago, I used to only have friends at school. I went to school with my friends and I didn't have any friends that I didn't go to school with. Which meant that I didn't have that many friends and I saw the ones I had almost daily. When you spend 6 or more hours 5 days a week together, go out on weekends and talk on the phone regularly, you automatically know a person pretty well. You know when they are upset, you know when they are lying and you know whether they are mad at you or just have a bad day. For me, one of the changes into adulthood is that you probably never know your friends that well ever again. I have problems adjusting to these new kinds of friendships. Especially because I have friends who live in my hometown and who I only see once a month at the most. I'm not saying that my friendships in school were that much better - trust me, they weren't - but it was way easier to know the boundaries, to know where the friendship stood and what I could or couldn't share.

Now, when I meet certain people and they aren't in a good mood or aren't as friendly/interested as I'd expect, I tend to question myself. Did I do something wrong? Is there a reason why this person could be angry at me? I have a really hard time figuring out whether they are just having a bad day or whether their behavior has something to do with me. I know that all of us have bad days, but when I meet people who I haven't seen in a while I at least try to be interested even if I'm having a bad day. Because if my day were that bad that I couldn't do that, I'd not meet them. Get my point?

I hate that I don't know whether certain people don't write back or call or something like that because they are busy and just don't have the time or whether they are just not that interested in me. It's very rare that I can't figure out whether a person likes me and wants to be friends with me, but it's the case with someone right now and it is killing me. I don't want to be that person who calls and texts and writes messages all the time. I don't want to seem desperate and I'm not desperate, if they aren't interested then just tell me. I've ended friendships before just because the chemistry wasn't right and I'm okay with doing that, because I don't want to waste my time. But if someone gives me the impression that they are interested and that they want to meet, but then suddenly lose interest, that's more than confusing. It's also fucking ignorant! Just because I tend to be in a good mood whenever we meet and tend to be okay with doing what they want to do doesn't mean that I don't have feelings or that I don't have the ability to feel bad about something.

So what do I do? Do I ask whether they even want to be friends with me? Do I ignore the situation? Do I call and text and see what will happen?