Life doesn't come easy

Sometimes, life just seems so hard and so much. Over the course of the last semester, I sometimes had the feeling that the simple act of living was too much. There are so many things that make life difficult and so little was easy. There is the saying that good things don't come easy and are worth fighting for, but I just wish that some parts of my life weren't such a struggle. I'm okay fighting for certain things, but it would be nice to have some things just come easy, like school or friendships.

I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.

Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.

This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.

I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.

With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.

[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]

Finals week and HUGE update

The school year is almost over and we managed to survive it somehow - I still don't quite know how. I have one more final tomorrow, which I have to get a good grade on to get my A. I am not completely happy with how the last weeks went, as I might have ruined my chance at getting an A in two classes simply because I didn't have enough energy left to put enough effort in. Most of my time in the last weeks was trying to convince the girlfriend that 3 am the day an assignment is due is not the best time to still play video games and procrastinate. Her issues have really taken a toll on her self-motivation and even though she asked me to be stern and 'mean' with her, she got mad when I tried to. My approaches on how to deal with her self-motivation or lack there-of have so far all failed and I am quite frankly out of ideas.

In some ways, I can see how dealing with her issues is slowly healing some of the wounds. In others, it seems like she still has to get worse before she will get better. After a fight yesterday we had a talk about how she is doing and everything that is going on with her. She feels guilty because she thinks I deserve better and she is scared I will one day not be able to handle it anymore and will leave her. She wants me to leave if it gets too much, but at the same time she doesn't want me to leave because she needs me. In the last weeks, we have made good progress, at least in my opinion, with addressing and voicing some of her wounds. The question of why nobody except for me and one of her sisters loves her and wants her has been brought up multiple times and always leads to tears. It breaks my heart to hear her say these things, because I know that no matter what I say, her pain still will be there. Mostly, I tell her that her mother is incapable of truly loving someone because of all the things she went through and therefore the men she attracted in her life were emotionally equally scarred/incapable of love. I also tell her that if a child gets told that it is not worth of love, it will soon believe that and that that is not the child's fault, clearly. But it is hard to get through to her, because she has lived feeling not worthy of love for so long and I've only loved her for not even a year and a half.

I also told her about her brain and how most likely, her brain right now is learning a lot of new things and that because her brain is so busy learning, it sometimes gets thrown back. I feel like in some ways, she is for the first time in her life learning how to have healthy, 'normal' relationships with someone other than friends. From the stories she has told me, her mother clearly did not and does not have healthy relationships with any of her children. She blamed and blames problems on her children that were caused by her behavior - a reaction to her and her inability to parent a child with more complex needs, especially emotionally - and doesn't take over any responsibility for anything. One thing my beloved monster-in-law likes to say is that she had it even harder at 22 and therefore my girlfriend should stop complaining and grow up and be completely independent - as in go to school full time, get good grades and work enough to pay for rent, food and all other expenses, all at the same time. Yeah, right, that's very likely going to happen. Anyways, my point is, my MIL always states how hard she had it and how hard her life was and that her children should just stop complaining, hold their heads high and do what she did, which is take care of their own business. In my opinion, she doesn't want her children to have it any easier than she had it and that's why she is so unwilling to help her children out. What she doesn't see is that as a mother, she should want her children to have a better life than her. She should want her children to heal and grow, so that they can have more fulfilling lives, relationships and so that they don't end up where she is right now. In a recent conversation, MIL complained that we didn't ask if she needed any help when she was forced to move out of her boyfriend's place. Um, excuse me, you are the 40-something-year-old MOTHER who doesn't give a sh*t about her daughter and you expect US, the 22-year-old college students who can't find a job because of the economy to offer help? Really? I mean, REALLY??? And what angers me the most is that she thinks it is her daughter's responsibility to call and ask her how she is doing,... so that their relationship can get better. My girlfriend didn't fuck up their relationship, yet she should work to make it better while her mother can pat herself on the back for being a great mother? Yeah, I don't think so. MIL complained that my girlfriend never calls and asks her how she is doing, yet she never calls her to ask how school is going. Plus, she is incredibly hard to reach and generally doesn't return phone calls, so how exactly is that supposed to work? Anywho, enough about that, but that should give you an idea of why my girlfriend doesn't feel loved by her parents. Not that her dad is any better, since he doesn't know how a phone works either, apparently.

So even though we still fight a lot, there are definite improvements in some areas. We had a rather lengthy talk last week about my alleged 'OCD-ness'. GF likes to complain about my desire to have a clean apartment and about my unreasonable request for her helping me clean. So when she once again complained about how my expectations were too high, I made her give me a list of how often she would clean (major cleaning only). Here is her list:

• Clean the bathroom - tub, counter, toilet - once a week
• Clean the kitchen floor once to twice a week, depending on how dirty it is
• Clean the bedroom floor at least once a week

Now funnily enough, I only want the kitchen floor to be cleaned once a week, however I want it to be mopped. After she gave me her list, I asked her how often she had done any of these things in April - usually, the bathroom is her 'chore'. She tried to claim she cleaned the bathroom twice, whereas I believe she cleaned it once, because the second time I gave up hope after a week of waiting and cleaned it myself. Now, I was sick twice in April and therefore didn't clean nearly as often as I would usually, which drove me almost insane. However, I still did most of the work. Then I explained to her that our ideas of how often to clean are almost identical, yet the question to who should clean is quite different. See, the girlfriend thinks everything should be cleaned at least once a week, but would like magic fairies (as in me, the magic cleaning fairy) to do the work. She finally admitted that my OCD-ness is not the problem here, but rather her unwillingness to actually do any of the work. Now here's the thing: from about age 7, she was expected to clean after at rather large number of people (at least 8 or 9) every day. She had a lot of chores to do and never had much help from the adults. As someone who thinks children should have to help out around the house, her responsibilities seem insane to me. So every time I ask her to do something, she emotionally feels like she is doing EVERYTHING, that it is too much for her to handle and that she shouldn't have to do so much work, when in reality I handle most of the housework. I try to be patient, but am at a point now where I can't take over all of the work. So I try to get her to at least do the dishes when it is her turn and take care of the bathroom. I just have to figure out how to change her feelings/reaction from what she is was used to when she was little to what it should be now. Which is really difficult. I hope our talk made her realize and see what is going on, because I feel like she has this very warped view of who does how much work around the house right now.

Anywho, that was a really, really long update on what is going on. Unfortunately, this is only a small part of our daily lives, as the struggle with her depression, anxiety and PTSD continues. But, there is hope at the end of the tunnel!!

The history of hip-hop in 5 days

Dear god, it appears I'm trying to kill myself. With school very obviously kicking my butt, I kinda, maybe, perhaps, sorta, might have overlooked the fact that I should be reading 4 books for my English class and that I had only started reading 2. Yes, I could have chosen to not start with the one that is 'due' tomorrow, but instead chosen a different book (we get to choose 3 books out of 5), but I had this grand idea that if I can read a 700-page Harry Potter in a day I'll be able to read a 460-page book about hip-hop in a weekend. Well, it seems having to do laundry, dishes, cooking and other random things that need to be done around the house diminishes your ability to read for 8 hours a day. So I still have to read about 80 pages before tomorrow. Yeah, I am crazy, but hey, I have already read too much to give up now. Luckily, I don't have to do a presentation about the book, I just have to hand in my reading journal, which I have been working on while reading, and take part in the discussion.

Still, it seems like I am trying to kill myself by reading too much. Funny, really, as our English teacher keeps mentioning how she thinks we read too much. Ya think? Anyways, I will be able to finish by tomorrow, I'm just not going to get too much sleep. Not that I'm not used to that by now. The book is fairly interesting, but it has slightly too many names and terms in it for it to be an easy read. If I'm having a hard time reading it, then so will most people in my class, based on the fact that most of them hate the book we all have to read and I think of it as really interesting ('1968: The Year that Rocked the World', by Mark Kurlansky, in case you were wondering). I'm already wondering how much of the information I will actually be able to retain, but we will see in my discussion tomorrow.

As for now, I have to go back to reading, so that I can get at least some sleep. More on this will follow soon...

Oh. My. God.

School is seriously kicking my butt!! I am so busy all the time, I don't have time to do anything apart homework, get groceries and spend some little time with my girlfriend. So far I'm getting good grades - only one B so far - but I just hope that with me not having enough time for speeches and essays that my grades won't slip.

That's all. Not much for now, but I just don't have time to post right now. I'm enjoying my time here, I hardly miss home at all and things with the girlfriend are good, even if we quarrel sometimes. But overall it's good, so I'm happy.

The curse of terrorism

[I wrote this review for my class, it got published in last week's paper - *yay*.]

The German movie „The Baader Meinhof Complex“ – currently showing in the Hillcrest cinema – relives the crimes of a terrorist group called ‘Red Army Fraction’ (RAF), active in Germany between the 1960s and the 1990s. Andreas Baader and Ulrike Meinhof were the two most prominent leaders of the RAF and saw themselves as revolutionaries in ‘the police state West Germany’. Their generation, born during or right after World War II, was hell bent on not letting something even remotely similar to Hitler and the Nazi Regime happen again and found the German society to be a prisoner of capitalism and a politically motivated press. Their criminal activities cost 34 lives and left hundreds injured. The movie successfully shows what terrorism can do to a country, but also what it does to the terrorists and how their fanaticism ultimately lead to their self-destruction.

To an Austrian, numerous of the actors are familiar faces. The roles were well-cast and the actors did a terrific job at portraying multi-faceted, some-what afflicted characters. Moritz Bleibtreu (‘Munich’), Martina Gedeck (‘The Good Shepard’), Bruno Ganz (‘The Reader’), Hannah Herzsprung and Heino Ferch are all household names in German cinema and theatre. Showing Baader’s anger and fierce commitment to the cause, Bleibtreu’s acting stands out. Bruno Ganz plays the head of the Federal Criminal Police Office with a spooky calm, understanding how and why the terrorists operate so well even his subordinates are worried. The movie is definitely European, maybe even noticeably German – and not just because of the language! Nudity and violence are portrayed differently to American movies, almost in a matter-of-fact way. The violence is not glorified nor hidden, but rather shown for what it was. The style and setting sets ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ apart from how American’s show their history on film. America’s film society recognized the movie for its excellence with one Golden Globe nomination and one Academy Award nomination for ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ in 2009.

Watching the movie almost seems as if it was supposed to be a two-parter. Even though the two thematic halves were closely related, the feel and setting are distinctively different. Running at 2 hours and 30 minutes, one is aware of its length. ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ might have left more of an impact on viewers had the two parts been separated.

Being a true story, the movie succeeds in mixing real news clips from that time with the fictional material. In some scenes, the viewers are placed inside the characters emotional world so well, one cannot help but feel either sympathetic or antagonistic towards the terrorists. An interest in German history or terrorism in other countries makes this movie worth watching, even if it is long-winded at times.

Review of 'Julie & Julia'

Since I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' as an honors class, I am required to write at least 4 movie reviews. The main purpose is to supply the student newspaper with content, but it is not garantueed that every review is also printed. My first review got printed, so I'm pretty excited about that. The editor changed the title because it was too long and some minor details, but here is the edition that I handed in:

Julie, Julia and the lack of creativity

Meryl Streep probably is the best actress of our time – 15 Oscar nominations and 2 wins speak for themselves. Unfortunately, some of her movies question her choice in roles. ‘Julie & Julia’ is one of those movies.

‘Julie & Julia’ is the story of Julia Child, an American who learns how to cook in Paris, and Julie Powell, an office worker who escapes her world by cooking Julia Child’s recipes. Among the well-chosen cast are Meryl Streep as Julia, Amy Adams as Julie, the great but underused Stanley Tucci as Julia’s husband, the hilarious Jane Lynch and quirky Mary Lynn Rajskub. The acting is solid throughout the movie, but there is only so much actors can do when the material isn’t quite right.

Solid seems to be the theme of this movie – the acting is solid, the music is solid, the storylines are solid, but nothing stands out. It seems as if the writers, directors and editors hadn’t taken any risks and thereby made the movie boring. With its 2 hours and 3 minutes, the movie does not progress as swiftly as it could. Numerous storylines are briefly mentioned – a wedding, a divorce, unsupportive friends, the wish for a baby – but then not touched upon for the rest of the film. This frustrates the viewer, who could have done without these storylines and wouldn’t have missed them at all.

Nora Ephron, who co-wrote and directed ‘Julie & Julia’, was certainly another reason why viewers saw the movie or had high expectations of it. ‘When Harry Met Sally…’, ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘You’ve Got Mail’ are all classics either written or written and directed by Ephron. However, looking back at her last movie, ‘Bewitched’, it almost seems as if she has lost her magic as a filmmaker.

The movie offers a few laughs and a few heartfelt moments, but fails to draw the viewer in completely. Amy Adams is adorable, even through her flaws and breakdowns the audience can’t help but like Julie. Meryl Streep’s acting is consistently great, but Julie & Julia doesn’t allow her to show her skills.

Had the movie been shorter by 30 minutes, viewers might have thoroughly enjoyed watching the story unfold. However, no character or storyline stood out and this movie-going experience will probably be forgotten by many as soon as they leave the theatre.

I'm still alive!

Hard to believe, I know! My live has been so busy, I don't think I have ever been this busy in my whole life.

I flew to California over 7 weeks ago. I had to look for a roommate, which was one epic fail, as I did find one but a crappy one. Right now, I'm staying with my girlfriend and her uncle, which on the one hand is a good thing because I'm living with my girlfriend, on the other hand I don't really know how long I can stay here. So I'm looking for a room again. School started four weeks ago and so far I really like it. I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' and I love it! We watch a movie each week and even though I didn't like the movie's we have watched so far that much it still is a really interesting class.

Things with my girlfriend are going great, we have our ups and downs but we are definitely happy with each other. It has taken us some time to transition from not seeing each other at all to seeing each other almost or all of the time, but we're getting into the groove now. We're both really busy with school, so we don't always have that much quality time to spend together, but at least we see each other every day.

That's pretty much it for now. Sorry if this seems jumbled and that I haven't posted for so long, but that's life, I guess.

Chicago, here I come!

The last week has been a bit crazy and slightly stressful, but who cares? I am going to go visit my girlfriend - finally! We had a few plans to meet, which unfortunately fell through, but now we managed to work something out. It's not perfect, but who wants perfection? Certainly not me. I just want her.

Okay, I'll be less cheesy now. Since I'll already leave Wednesday (Oh. My. God. Right?), the blog will unfortunately be slightly deserted again for a while. I still have so much stuff to do, but I hope to post once or twice before I leave, and maybe once from Chicago.

Anyways, today I took the toefl test and it went okay. I'm not perfectly content with my performance, but it should be good enough. This is just one more step to me being able to study in The United States of Awesomeness. Too much? A little? Hm....

Humiliation, thy name is Nelfy

Me, Nelfy, has written about sex. Not just about sex, I've written about two people having sex. Not just written, but DESCRIBED, in detail, the sex. Me! Inexperienced me! Yeah, I'm laughing too. More at the situation at whole than at me. Or maybe I'm laughing at myself not because I wrote about sex, but that I'm humiliated by writing about sex. Actually, I'm not humiliated about writing about sex that much, I'm humiliated about someone else reading what I wrote about sex.

In the last few days, I've been writing the chapter in my fic in which Callie and Erica finally get intimate and writing this has been more difficult than I thought. The language part and the lack of experience part both played roles in why I couldn't write it, but mainly it sounded kind of awkward. Not the story itself, but the writing. Today, finally posted it and I really hope that my readers approve. I wrote 5 and 1/2 pages with little content, just them getting it on. As humiliating this is, it also feels kinda good. Seeing that we might not be getting any of this IRL - or rather ORT (on real television).

Today, I finally got the grade from my Strategy & Marketing exam and I failed! I don't know how that happened, I answered all questions and with most of them I was sure that I got it right! This sucks so much, they offer ONE day on which you can take a look at your exam and why you got the grade that you got and it's in three weeks, which means that I have to take a day off from work to go to Innsbruck just because of this damn exam. They give out dates in the holidays, what kind of crap is that? In Innsbruck, I would guess more than 50 % of the students don't actually live in Innsbruck, probably at least 1/3 lives abroad. So basically they completely ignore the fact that for a lot of students it's not just a thirty minute drive to university, it's a day trip to get there and back home. I really don't like the university in Innsbruck right now ... *goesofftofume*.

Summer, here I come!

That's where I want to be!

Today, my summer holidays finally started. I had my "Strategy and Marketing" exam and it was fine, I guess. I knew all the answers, just couldn't think of two terms, but apart from that I'm satisfied with myself. I guess I could have learned more, but I was just too tired from this term. So tomorrow, I'll go back home and then on Friday, two friends from Innsbruck will come visit me and we'll go to the "Pflasterspektakel". The Pflasterspektakel is a cultural event that takes place in my hometown each year and artists from all over the world come and perform on the street in the city center. It's pretty amazing, there are always a few really good artists, doing acrobatics and all kinds of acts. So we're going to go there and then I'll show them around a bit. My parents are on holiday, so I'll be home alone for a full week, if you count the days when I have visitors. But I'm really looking forward to that, I love having the house to myself, then I can really do as I like.

Today, I have to go to the library and return the books and then I'll start packing and in the evening, I'm meeting a friend of mine and we'll watch "Kung Fu Panda". I don't really know what to expect, but I'll just have a good time.

Have a nice summer, everybody!

Success with a bitter aftertaste

Important things first: I had my French exam today and was lucky with the topic! I think I did okish, I stumbled over the verbs because I just can't conjugate them, but apart from that, it was ok. I'm soooo glad that the exam is finally over, I barely slept the last night because I was so nervous.

The event that I had organised finally took place today and it went well. I was secretly hoping and dreaming that a lot of people would show up, but I'm happy with the ~30 people that came. I know that right now, most students have exams and are busy with the end of term craziness, so during the term more people might have showed up. I had bought enough cakes and cookies and chips and drinks for everybody, so that's already really great. It was so hot today, so when I took the groceries from my office to hall where the event took place I nearly died of a heat stroke. When I took the stuff back after the event, it poured like it was the end of the world, so I got soaked to the skin. Two friends helped me at the event with making coffee etc., which I am really grateful for! I actually had some time to talk to the guests, which was really nice. Most of them said that they wouldn't mind a soccer player coming out as gay, but none of them were fans, so that might affect their indifference. We also talked about girls playing football and one guy explained to me that in the US, soccer is a girls sport and that men hardly play soccer.

Earlier today, I was at the office because I had some preparation to do and my "boss" was there too and she seemed pissed because of something and wasn't really nice towards me. I asked whether it would be possible for me to be authorised to sign next year, so that I would be less dependent on her. She barked at me and told me that only the head of the division was authorised to sign. Two things: 1. I didn't know that only the heads of the divisions were authorised to sign. 2. I'm pretty sure that there could be two heads of the division, which would mean that we would have equal rights. So, I organised this event all on my own, without any of her help, despite the fact that just I started working with her in April, and she doesn't even ask me how it's going or whether I need any help. I know that she told me right from the start that she has to work during the EM, but it wouldn't hurt her to at least be supportive. I'm so pissed right now, because I feel like she's marking her territory like a dog, she's just using her signature instead of pissing all over the place. I'm not trying to take over the office from her, I'm so not interested in that because I don't want to get involved with the politics. So I don't get why she's being so aggressive and unsupportive. *END of rant*

Then there's some friendship rumbles that disturb me. This one particular friendship just isn't flowing the way it's supposed to be and I feel like every second thing I say to this friend pisses her off in some way. And sometimes, she's just so uninterested and indifferent towards me that I wonder whether she even likes me or just tolerates me. I'm not going to say more right now, because there's one friend IRL who reads this blog (hi Flo) and I just don't know how he would react if I wrote more and therefore let him know who I'm talking about (@Flo: would you say something?). So I'll just leave it at that.

My mum's birthday is on Saturday and I still haven't bought a present! I think I'll have to do some last-minute shopping when I go home on Friday. I'm off to bed, I wanted to read some Callica fluff to cheer me up, but there's nothing new online :(. But I can think of something to cheer me up: Comments ;-)

It's over, isn't it?

Image @ PoliGazette

According to Sen. Barack Obama and various media outlets, Sen. Barack Obama is the official democratic nominee. Sen. Hillary Clinton has not admitted defeat, but I guess that's just a matter of time. It's been five months since the primaries started and in another five months, Americans will vote a new president - either Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama. While I would have preferred Sen. Clinton to get the nomination, I would now support Sen. Obama if I could.

This is the first American presidential election that I've followed and been interested in - mainly because of my age. What I've learned so far:

• America is not the biggest democracy anymore - India is
• You have to be rich, have rich friends and be accepted by the media to only even get a chance to become the president - not exactly very democratic, is it?
• The media plays such an important role, I wonder whether that's different in Europe or whether I just don't notice it
• A two-party system would not satisfy me, even though our political landscape is in no way satisfying
• I'm not educated enough to really grasp the whole concept - who stands for what, who wants to do what, how does that affect the economy,...

Anyways, just wanted to mention some of these things, I can't wait what will happen in the next 5 months, in such a long period of time, everything can change and yet everything can stay the same as well. So I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I'm currently spending way too much time doing homework, writing papers... for my French class. I spend more time working for French than for the 3 other classes combined - there's a failure in this system, right? I can't wait to get this term over with, then I'll be officially done with my languages and if I don't like Spanish, I'll just stop taking it. That's how easy it can be. Unless, of course, I mess up the French paper, then I can do it all again - which I really do not want to! Apart from university, not much is going on right now, as usual. I try to work out regularly, spend way too much time online, but I've cut down my TV consumption - I only watch 4 shows a week (The Closer, CSI Miami, House, CSI Las Vegas), 2 are reruns, so I don't mind if I don't catch them. How did that happen? Anywho, I'll write about the party I went to on friday (Sonnendeck) later, better get going or else I won't be finished till midnight.