Two days ago I decided to not go to my 3-hour night class and stay at home instead. It had been an exhausting weekend, studying for a big test and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with breakups. I just needed a break and some time away from my ex, who is taking the same class. So I stayed home with only the slightest guilty conscience.
What did I do with my amazing free time, you ask? Well, for one, I watched an episode of "Supernanny" (current reality-TV-obsession, she's hot!) and took a long, relaxing shower. I did, however, also vacuum, clean the bathroom and do all the dishes. And it felt so good. With everything that has been going on, house work has not been at the top of my list of things to do, but I always get antsy when I don't clean for a while. I can't stand the apartment being dirty. I grew up in a house that was cleaned bottom to top at least once a week and so not vacuuming for more than a week is already horrible for me. I wish I could have just relaxed and sat back for three hours and done absolutely nothing, but at least I had the time to clean. If I hadn't, it would have had to wait til the weekend, and I knew I would be bugged by it all week then. So I stayed home from class to clean up! I'm such a typical college student, living the high life....
Break-up wise, things are going okay-ish. My ex is trying to make things better by saying she will stay with me so that I can be happy, but that really isn't what I want. Sure, I want her to be with me and for us to be happy, but I only want her to be with me because she loves me, is in love with me and actually wants to be with me. I feel like if she keeps trying to stay with me for my sake, I won't get a chance to let go of her, get over her and move on. So right now, I'm trying really hard to not imagine a future in which we are together. Because as much as I want that to happen, it probably won't. Not if she is head over heels in love with somebody else. So that is hard - telling her I don't want to be with her when I do, because she doesn't want to be with me.
I am also ambivalent about how I feel about the woman my ex fell for. She used to be my teacher and now is my ex's teacher. I liked her a lot both as a teacher and a person and I'd love to hang out with her, but I feel like I can't. First of all, she gets along great with my ex and I didn't have that kind of a connection with her. We talked, but we weren't close the way my ex and her are. Also, even though I know it's not her fault at all, I still have some resentment towards her. I don't want to, but I just can't help feel like if she weren't so awesome, my ex wouldn't have fallen for her. It is stupid to feel that way, but I still do sometimes.
So I have a lot to figure out. But, thankfully, I'm still in therapy!
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
It's over
Two years. That is how long my first serious relationship lasted. Two years and two months. Plus a few days. So many things to say, I find it hard to even put one thought into words.
I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.
There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."
I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.
Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.
Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.
I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.
A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.
I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.
There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."
I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.
Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.
Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.
I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.
A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Life doesn't come easy
Sometimes, life just seems so hard and so much. Over the course of the last semester, I sometimes had the feeling that the simple act of living was too much. There are so many things that make life difficult and so little was easy. There is the saying that good things don't come easy and are worth fighting for, but I just wish that some parts of my life weren't such a struggle. I'm okay fighting for certain things, but it would be nice to have some things just come easy, like school or friendships.
I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.
Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.
This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.
I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.
With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.
[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]
I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.
Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.
This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.
I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.
With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.
[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]
Friday, April 16, 2010
Therapeutic Blogging
I want to get back into the habit of blogging for a certain reason. Even though I'm so busy with life, I need an outlet and since I already have this blog, I will use it. I haven't quite figured out exactly how much of my daily life and struggles I want to tell, because I don't want to dishonor (I looked for the right word, but really, could not find it. aarrrggg) on my girlfriend's privacy. But I guess we'll figure it out as we go along.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Taking care of my parents. Or not.
I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.
I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).
My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.
I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?
I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.
I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.
I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.
I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.
Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.
It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.
Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.
[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]
I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).
My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.
I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?
I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.
I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.
I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.
I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.
Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.
It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.
Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.
[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sensitivity, family and friendship
Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:
"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*
i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.
i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.
i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"
I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.
Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.
The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.
I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.
I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sexual abuse
I think in general terms, what sexual abuse is is obvious. To me, anything sexual that happens between two people without consent is sexual abuse. It doesn't matter whether these two people are dating, married or strangers, when consent is missing it is abuse. Child sexual abuse is, in most cases, an adult abusing a child in a sexual way. I think it's pretty much clear that any sexual actions that involve children are illegal and wrong. But, what if these acts happen between two minors? Teenagers having consensual sex is not illegal because there is the argument that they are old enough to make these decisions. I think that is pretty much common sense.
However, what if there is a significant age difference - I think especially when you're a child a few years make a huge difference - and the younger child does not have the possibility to say no. Or doesn't know how to say no. Or doesn't understand what's going on. Where do you draw the line? Where is the line between 'children just being children and curious' and sexual abuse. I think most people remember 'playing doctor' in their early childhood and it is generally seen as normal curiosity about your own body. According to wikipedia: "Playing doctor is considered by most child psychologists as a normal step in childhood sexual development between the ages of approximately three and six years." So once the older child is significantly older than six, are any sexual acts child-on-child sexual abuse?
All of this has to do with psychiatry and emotions and personal experiences that cannot be depicted in an objective manner. I guess you'd have to look at every single case to figure out what it is. Is it really so important to be able to call it a certain name? It seems really important to me, but in the end what effects it has on a person and how they deal with it are probably way more important. Can you blame a child or an adolescent youth for initiating sexual behavior with a younger child when they might not even know or fully understand what they are doing? This kind of behavior certainly has to originate somewhere, but a curious child who grows up around older siblings will probably come across adult magazines/movies at some point.
I'm not sure if there's an answer to all of this. Obviously, exposing a child to sex in any way, shape or form too early isn't good. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your child about how babies are made or that you should completely shelter your child from absolutely everything sexual, but with some common sense most adults know where to draw the line. A six-year-old certainly does not need a graphic description of how babies are made, much less pictures in adult magazines. A twelve-year-old can probably deal with information about sex, STD's and contraception in a meaningful way.
Anyways, just some things going through my head. Maybe I'll one day be able to write down my experiences and share them with this little blog of mine, but right now, I'm not. C'est la vie.
However, what if there is a significant age difference - I think especially when you're a child a few years make a huge difference - and the younger child does not have the possibility to say no. Or doesn't know how to say no. Or doesn't understand what's going on. Where do you draw the line? Where is the line between 'children just being children and curious' and sexual abuse. I think most people remember 'playing doctor' in their early childhood and it is generally seen as normal curiosity about your own body. According to wikipedia: "Playing doctor is considered by most child psychologists as a normal step in childhood sexual development between the ages of approximately three and six years." So once the older child is significantly older than six, are any sexual acts child-on-child sexual abuse?
All of this has to do with psychiatry and emotions and personal experiences that cannot be depicted in an objective manner. I guess you'd have to look at every single case to figure out what it is. Is it really so important to be able to call it a certain name? It seems really important to me, but in the end what effects it has on a person and how they deal with it are probably way more important. Can you blame a child or an adolescent youth for initiating sexual behavior with a younger child when they might not even know or fully understand what they are doing? This kind of behavior certainly has to originate somewhere, but a curious child who grows up around older siblings will probably come across adult magazines/movies at some point.
I'm not sure if there's an answer to all of this. Obviously, exposing a child to sex in any way, shape or form too early isn't good. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your child about how babies are made or that you should completely shelter your child from absolutely everything sexual, but with some common sense most adults know where to draw the line. A six-year-old certainly does not need a graphic description of how babies are made, much less pictures in adult magazines. A twelve-year-old can probably deal with information about sex, STD's and contraception in a meaningful way.
Anyways, just some things going through my head. Maybe I'll one day be able to write down my experiences and share them with this little blog of mine, but right now, I'm not. C'est la vie.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
"Good, how are you?"
This week I almost completely lost it in therapy. A number of things have been stressing me out a lot: the application to the college in the US, whether they would accept me, having to go to university here when I have no motivation whatsoever to go, the fact that one course I'm taking this semester is way too difficult for me (economics) and two are boring me to death (law and marketing), being so far apart from my girlfriend, difficulties with my mom. We only covered two of these things in therapy, but that was enough to almost make me cry. Since I have this issue with crying, I didn't. But I pretty much still felt like crap when I left.
I'm home now and talked to my mom and having told her what is stressing me out made me feel better. I feel like she has less power over how I feel about going away now that she knows that I'm not doing that well either. It's not like I want to study abroad because I want to get away from them, but sometimes she makes it seem like that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let her give me a bad conscience for wanting to do what I think will make me happy.
I certainly have anxiety issues. My therapist says that panic attacks, of which I almost had two, are my psyche's sign that there is something I should adress. I know that I am good at pretending that everything is fine, towards myself and towards others. So if I keep going the way I have in the past I'm heading right to a full-blown panic attack. I hope that there is going to come the day on which I don't have to lie to myself about how I'm doing or how I feel. I'm starting to make progress, eg this morning when my mom asked how the party yesterday was, I truthfully told her that it wasn't that great because most of the people there were couples and that being alone wasn't all that fun. But it's small steps, one at a time and talking to my friends yesterday showed that I'm still nowhere near to where I should be. I still always say that I'm doing well when asked, even though I'm clearly not.
I'm home now and talked to my mom and having told her what is stressing me out made me feel better. I feel like she has less power over how I feel about going away now that she knows that I'm not doing that well either. It's not like I want to study abroad because I want to get away from them, but sometimes she makes it seem like that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let her give me a bad conscience for wanting to do what I think will make me happy.
I certainly have anxiety issues. My therapist says that panic attacks, of which I almost had two, are my psyche's sign that there is something I should adress. I know that I am good at pretending that everything is fine, towards myself and towards others. So if I keep going the way I have in the past I'm heading right to a full-blown panic attack. I hope that there is going to come the day on which I don't have to lie to myself about how I'm doing or how I feel. I'm starting to make progress, eg this morning when my mom asked how the party yesterday was, I truthfully told her that it wasn't that great because most of the people there were couples and that being alone wasn't all that fun. But it's small steps, one at a time and talking to my friends yesterday showed that I'm still nowhere near to where I should be. I still always say that I'm doing well when asked, even though I'm clearly not.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Know your story
Throughout this process of going to therapy and thinking a lot about myself and my past, I've started talking about things that happened when I was little that I have never talked about before. I never thought that it was a big deal, but finally talking about it made me realize that it did affect me and that it wasn't as unimportant as I made it out to be. If you don't talk about something and suppress the memories, it's rather easy to call it 'little' and 'nothing'. With the way it has been affecting me in the last week(s) I have to admit to myself that it did have an effect on me and still does. I'm not ready to actually write about it, or give it a name, because I still don't really know myself what it was.
This weekend, I'm going to my brothers' to see my nephew and my family, since it's been a while that I've seen them. The thought of spending time with all of them has been scary to me to, since this issue with my past has been so present in the last week and given me so much to think and wonder about. The memory of my childhood is hazy, at best. It's hard for me to figure out what really happened and why since I hardly remember anything and am not sure how much I can trust the things that I do remember. While the 'easiest', at the same time really difficult option would be to just ask, that would mean facing something bad and at the same time the person who was involved and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Even though the two people I've talked to about the issue both recommended that option and I can see why it would help me, I'm so afraid because I have no idea what would happen if I did. I also don't know how much I can trust what that person would tell me, since they have motive to lie about it.
I will be spending less than two days with my family, but the prospect of that has been stressful to me like little else. I still haven't packed as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to get on a train in 9 hours and get some sleep too. I have what my girlfriend calls outlets that help me deal with stress. I had to use three of those tonight to deal with my restlessness and even though I got to talk to my baby for a short while I still feel nervous and anxious. I should have studied yesterday and tonight, but was mentally not in a place to. I feel like I am not functioning at all anymore. I'm not as neat as I'd like to be, which increases my anxiety, but I can't do anything about it because I'm anxious. I managed to go meet a friend today and that was good, but I had a hard time not thinking about the issue and I mostly vented to her about other things, which is really something that bothered me. I feel like my mind is constantly alert and tense and it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm in a circle that is hard to break because I have stuff to do with university here and college in the US and I can't take a break right now to concentrate on that.
At the same time, I feel like I'm just so ridiculous. I'm making a way bigger deal out of it than it is. Basically, I had a good childhood, I always had everything I needed and in general my parents did a decent job. They supported me and always loved me and their mistakes are very much in the range of 'Parents are only humans too'. So fuck all of this, I will go pack now. It's not like I need that much stuff anyways, for two days.
This weekend, I'm going to my brothers' to see my nephew and my family, since it's been a while that I've seen them. The thought of spending time with all of them has been scary to me to, since this issue with my past has been so present in the last week and given me so much to think and wonder about. The memory of my childhood is hazy, at best. It's hard for me to figure out what really happened and why since I hardly remember anything and am not sure how much I can trust the things that I do remember. While the 'easiest', at the same time really difficult option would be to just ask, that would mean facing something bad and at the same time the person who was involved and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Even though the two people I've talked to about the issue both recommended that option and I can see why it would help me, I'm so afraid because I have no idea what would happen if I did. I also don't know how much I can trust what that person would tell me, since they have motive to lie about it.
I will be spending less than two days with my family, but the prospect of that has been stressful to me like little else. I still haven't packed as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to get on a train in 9 hours and get some sleep too. I have what my girlfriend calls outlets that help me deal with stress. I had to use three of those tonight to deal with my restlessness and even though I got to talk to my baby for a short while I still feel nervous and anxious. I should have studied yesterday and tonight, but was mentally not in a place to. I feel like I am not functioning at all anymore. I'm not as neat as I'd like to be, which increases my anxiety, but I can't do anything about it because I'm anxious. I managed to go meet a friend today and that was good, but I had a hard time not thinking about the issue and I mostly vented to her about other things, which is really something that bothered me. I feel like my mind is constantly alert and tense and it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm in a circle that is hard to break because I have stuff to do with university here and college in the US and I can't take a break right now to concentrate on that.
At the same time, I feel like I'm just so ridiculous. I'm making a way bigger deal out of it than it is. Basically, I had a good childhood, I always had everything I needed and in general my parents did a decent job. They supported me and always loved me and their mistakes are very much in the range of 'Parents are only humans too'. So fuck all of this, I will go pack now. It's not like I need that much stuff anyways, for two days.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Feel
Remember when I wrote about the inner child after I started therapy? It seems I have already made some progress! I'm starting to really feel emotions again. I'm not saying that I didn't before I started therapy, but I have suppressed a lot of my emotions before. There are two reasons for that: One, I'm clearly a person who thinks rather than feels, most of the time.
Two, apparently I was brought up that way. I was told that my feelings weren't supposed to be what they were or that I shouldn't show them. I can clearly remember numerous people telling me "An Indian knows no pain" (Sorry for the literal translation, but this saying is very common here.), "Big Girls don't cry" or "Crying doesn't make it better either." I was told not to show that I was upset, sad or angry, because when you don't show your emotions, the people who cause them will stop doing what they are doing. My brother used to love to tease me and my mom always told me that if I didn't let him see that it upset me, he would get bored and stop. Yes, there are clearly situations in which not showing your emotions is the best course of action, eg when someone bullies you in school. But at home, which should be a safe place, you'd think it would be okay to cry or be upset.
I also learned that my really bad memory might stem from the fact that I was put into situations that were not age-appropriate. We traveled a lot when I was little and I hardly remember anything, maybe because it was too much for me. I know that there were certain things that were most definitely not age-appropriate, most of them having to do with my sister. Watching 'The Silence of the Lambs' at six/seven/eight (??) is just one example. I have been wondering for a long time why I don't seem to remember my childhood and this explanation actually makes sense. I don't even remember much from my junior highschool (10-14), which is the time in which my sister went through puberty and my parents fought almost daily over her. I can remember hearing them yell at each other for days on end, so that's definitely not a great family situation. While I realize that there are things that are way, way worse, it does explain some things, certain issues that I have.
That's all for now. I'm working through my past, trying to learn and get to the core of things. And I'm feeling again. Even if that means that I get really, really sad when I can't talk to my gf for almost a week, which sucks, but it's still progress and important. You take the good with the bad, I guess. And really, it can only get better from here on.
And a not-so-funny side note: I called my mom and asked her about the travels and whether she thinks I might have been overstrained and she said she doesn't remember. She asked me about my brother thought. Pretty much made it clear to me where her priorities are right now. Not with the child who's 'causing trouble', that's for certain.
Two, apparently I was brought up that way. I was told that my feelings weren't supposed to be what they were or that I shouldn't show them. I can clearly remember numerous people telling me "An Indian knows no pain" (Sorry for the literal translation, but this saying is very common here.), "Big Girls don't cry" or "Crying doesn't make it better either." I was told not to show that I was upset, sad or angry, because when you don't show your emotions, the people who cause them will stop doing what they are doing. My brother used to love to tease me and my mom always told me that if I didn't let him see that it upset me, he would get bored and stop. Yes, there are clearly situations in which not showing your emotions is the best course of action, eg when someone bullies you in school. But at home, which should be a safe place, you'd think it would be okay to cry or be upset.
I also learned that my really bad memory might stem from the fact that I was put into situations that were not age-appropriate. We traveled a lot when I was little and I hardly remember anything, maybe because it was too much for me. I know that there were certain things that were most definitely not age-appropriate, most of them having to do with my sister. Watching 'The Silence of the Lambs' at six/seven/eight (??) is just one example. I have been wondering for a long time why I don't seem to remember my childhood and this explanation actually makes sense. I don't even remember much from my junior highschool (10-14), which is the time in which my sister went through puberty and my parents fought almost daily over her. I can remember hearing them yell at each other for days on end, so that's definitely not a great family situation. While I realize that there are things that are way, way worse, it does explain some things, certain issues that I have.
That's all for now. I'm working through my past, trying to learn and get to the core of things. And I'm feeling again. Even if that means that I get really, really sad when I can't talk to my gf for almost a week, which sucks, but it's still progress and important. You take the good with the bad, I guess. And really, it can only get better from here on.
And a not-so-funny side note: I called my mom and asked her about the travels and whether she thinks I might have been overstrained and she said she doesn't remember. She asked me about my brother thought. Pretty much made it clear to me where her priorities are right now. Not with the child who's 'causing trouble', that's for certain.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"It's okay to be afraid"
There is this interesting concept that fear is a legitimate emotion. Pretty new to me. It seems that you should allow yourself to be afraid, but you shouldn't let the emotion control your life. I realized today that I have no real way of dealing with fear. I can deal with heartache and anger and frustration to some extent, but fear? It makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep all day and spend all night in front of my computer. Which doesn't help the situation at all. Fear numbs me and makes me inactive and I need to find a way to deal with fear, because it's not going to go away anytime soon. I don't know what will happen in the near future and the uncertainty is killing me, but the fear is even worse. I fear taking a wrong decision. I fear that outside forces will deter me from doing what I want to do. I fear that even though I want to change my situation, I won't be able to. After therapy today, I actually felt like I could deal with the fear. I felt like I could look into my options and do something.
Unfortunately, I got an email today that pretty much made me panic right away. I had the option of moving to New Orleans to go study at UNO and was trying to get information on that. I think I would have probably loved it there, because we have what feels like family there and I could have lived with them. But it seems that it's not really an option. The undergraduate degree would take about 4 years and even though I took classes here, it would probably only save me one semester. My grades aren't great and I'm not even sure if I would be able to study there. The state only grants student visas for two years and there is just no way that my parents can afford four years of me studying in New Orleans. So right now I want to cry and am fighting off a panic attack. I have no idea what I'm going to do and I can already see myself staying here, finishing another two years of university just because I have no alternative. Which would suck majorly.
The highlight of my day? I finally got to talk to my girl, you know, the special one, on the phone. We chatted for hours yesterday and it felt so good just talking to her. I can't believe how good one person can make you feel. So we decided that we would try to talk on the phone and tonight, we finally did. I was so nervous it wasn't even funny anymore, but she was too, so I guess it was okay. I was actually shaking, which in total might have happened to me three or four times before. It was amazing and a bit embarrassing all at the same time. She wrote some really beautiful poems and I had that dream in my head that kept replaying that I wanted to tell her about. It sounded great in my head, but it didn't really come out right. I'm going to give it another try and share it y'all.
That's what I'm thinking of right now. The email came after our phone conversation, so it almost made my happiness over talking to her go away, luckily only almost. I wanted to tell her some things but nothing came out right. Is that what falling for someone hard means? That the connection between your brain and your mouth gets disturbed by your pounding heart? It feels good, but so embarrassing at the same time.
Unfortunately, I got an email today that pretty much made me panic right away. I had the option of moving to New Orleans to go study at UNO and was trying to get information on that. I think I would have probably loved it there, because we have what feels like family there and I could have lived with them. But it seems that it's not really an option. The undergraduate degree would take about 4 years and even though I took classes here, it would probably only save me one semester. My grades aren't great and I'm not even sure if I would be able to study there. The state only grants student visas for two years and there is just no way that my parents can afford four years of me studying in New Orleans. So right now I want to cry and am fighting off a panic attack. I have no idea what I'm going to do and I can already see myself staying here, finishing another two years of university just because I have no alternative. Which would suck majorly.
The highlight of my day? I finally got to talk to my girl, you know, the special one, on the phone. We chatted for hours yesterday and it felt so good just talking to her. I can't believe how good one person can make you feel. So we decided that we would try to talk on the phone and tonight, we finally did. I was so nervous it wasn't even funny anymore, but she was too, so I guess it was okay. I was actually shaking, which in total might have happened to me three or four times before. It was amazing and a bit embarrassing all at the same time. She wrote some really beautiful poems and I had that dream in my head that kept replaying that I wanted to tell her about. It sounded great in my head, but it didn't really come out right. I'm going to give it another try and share it y'all.
We were finally able to arrange for you to come visit. I'm nervous and I keep checking my room to make sure everything is tidy and in perfect order. As I drive to the bus stop, my hands shake and are sweaty because I'm that nervous. I wait along with some other people and as the bus finally arrives, my heart starts beating faster. You get off the bus and look tired from the long drive, but the minute you see me you smile and I know I do too. We hug and it feels like this should have been there all along. It feels like the missing part finally fell into place and now we can really meet. I bought you flowers, a bouquet of yellow, orange and green, because red roses would have been too uninspired. I ask you about the bus drive as I take you back to the apartment, but for most of the ride, we hold hands in silence because we still can't quite believe that that day has finally come.
That's what I'm thinking of right now. The email came after our phone conversation, so it almost made my happiness over talking to her go away, luckily only almost. I wanted to tell her some things but nothing came out right. Is that what falling for someone hard means? That the connection between your brain and your mouth gets disturbed by your pounding heart? It feels good, but so embarrassing at the same time.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I made my therapist proud today!
And in return, she put lovely reassurance and balm all over my soul. Apparently, I am very mature, know my feelings and what shaped me into the person I am today well. Well, duh. With all the time I spend in my own head, it would be sad if I didn't. She thinks I can handle my parents, all I need to do is 'be the adult I am' and 'be honest about my feelings'. Easy, breezy. Even though I have been more open with her than I've been with any other person in my life right now, she doesn't know me well yet and I guess that surprised me a bit today. In past sessions, we had talked about my friends and how I'm generally more drawn to people who are older than I am due to various reasons and I think today she understood why. Therapy is really interesting. It can be a power play at times, but today we reached a level at which we were even. I didn't cry, I only felt like crying for a small amount of time and when I left I actually felt good.
Might have also been the sugar high that I was on. I got up way too late today, my class started at 9 and I got up at twenty to 9. Yeah, too late. After class, I had to kill some time so I had a proper breakfast consisting of a hot chocolate and a pain au chocolat. Sugar high, here I come! I came crashing down hard at around 4 in the afternoon, in the middle of my accounting class. Not that much fun. I even ate lunch in between, so why the crash was that bad is a mystery to me.
Anywho, I watched 'Quantum of Solace' after class and I am thoroughly disappointed. I really liked 'Casino Royale' so I kinda expected more. Well, this movie is *not* worth seeing. I didn't even understand most of the plot and kept wondering 'What does that have to do with anything?'.
Now I'm back home and just plain tired and it's not even past 11. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight and I think this week I'll have to already do that the second time. Soul searching is hard work, y'all.
Might have also been the sugar high that I was on. I got up way too late today, my class started at 9 and I got up at twenty to 9. Yeah, too late. After class, I had to kill some time so I had a proper breakfast consisting of a hot chocolate and a pain au chocolat. Sugar high, here I come! I came crashing down hard at around 4 in the afternoon, in the middle of my accounting class. Not that much fun. I even ate lunch in between, so why the crash was that bad is a mystery to me.
Anywho, I watched 'Quantum of Solace' after class and I am thoroughly disappointed. I really liked 'Casino Royale' so I kinda expected more. Well, this movie is *not* worth seeing. I didn't even understand most of the plot and kept wondering 'What does that have to do with anything?'.
Now I'm back home and just plain tired and it's not even past 11. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight and I think this week I'll have to already do that the second time. Soul searching is hard work, y'all.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Therapy is crap
And painful as hell. The reality check that they give you? Not what I would consider a fun activity. Having someone who barely knows you judge you and make you feel even worse about yourself? I could do without it.
BUT, the things you learn about yourself by having a person throw your OWN thoughts back at your face are amazing. I never thought that one hour could bring so much clarity. At the same time, I now need to figure out what to do with this clarity. I think for once I need to do the really hard, seemingly impossible thing and hope that it'll be easier in the end. I guess it is time to take a huge leap into unknown territory and hope that if I fall flat onto my face, I'll still be able to say 'At least I tried'.
So maybe therapy isn't crap. But my inner child is allowed to say that because it's hurting. The adult in me knows that therapy helps and will continue to go there, even if my inner child doesn't want to. See, I already learned that much!
BUT, the things you learn about yourself by having a person throw your OWN thoughts back at your face are amazing. I never thought that one hour could bring so much clarity. At the same time, I now need to figure out what to do with this clarity. I think for once I need to do the really hard, seemingly impossible thing and hope that it'll be easier in the end. I guess it is time to take a huge leap into unknown territory and hope that if I fall flat onto my face, I'll still be able to say 'At least I tried'.
So maybe therapy isn't crap. But my inner child is allowed to say that because it's hurting. The adult in me knows that therapy helps and will continue to go there, even if my inner child doesn't want to. See, I already learned that much!
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