Sandra Bernard and Madonna on David Letterman in 1988, according to Bernard they were a couple back then.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Quote of the Week
"The journey is the reward."
Chinese Proverb
It took me a long time to really understand that, as in German, it is 'Der Weg ist das Ziel' which literally means 'The journey is the goal'. To me that makes less sense than 'The journey is the reward.'. But anyways, I love that proverb.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I just couldn't help it....
I got sucked into this whole Twitter thing. There's only so long a girl can resist temptation. So, you can find me @ChrisakaNelfy where I'm still figuring out how all of this works. Oh well, we'll see if I will actually post more than once a month, but I am intrigued by saying interesting stuff in only 140 characters. So, I'll try.
Oh God, shoot me already!
I watched an episode of 'The Tyra Banks Show' today, titled 'Gay is the new Black', a show dealing with the LGBT rights movement. I was, obviously, pretty infuriated by what some of the people said and so I wanted to write down a few things. If, and I say that with a BIG if, I had to ever discuss marriage with a Christian fundamentalist, here's what I would very calmly explain:
- Being gay is not a choice. No one in their right mind would wake up one day and say to themselves 'Today, I want to be discriminated against, treated like a second class citizen, called names and stared at.' If being gay was a choice, then homosexuality wouldn't exist in parts of Africa, Southern Asia, parts of The Middle East and parts of Central Asia because there, being gay is illegal, with penalties ranging from fines to death sentences. Who would want to be executed based on a choice? (Source)
- Marriage has been continuously redefined throughout history. In ancient Europe 'marriage was more or less a business agreement between two families who arranged the marriages of their children' (source). In 1967, the American Supreme Court overturned the ban on interracial marriage. That happened just 42 years ago! (You can find an interesting timeline to the history of civil marriage in the US here.)
- Jesus was friends with the outcasts, he talked about love and humility and turning the other cheek and forgiveness of sin. "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Hate and judgment are not Christian values.
- Maybe the most important point: Marriage equality is not about the church. Equality is about the law. Religious freedom is protected by the law just as gay rights should be. No person in their right mind would try to force your church to marry gay couples. Marriage equality is about the 1,138 statutory provisions (rights, benefits, privileges) that the state allows married couples. This has nothing to do with your church or your religion or your faith. It only has to do with equal protection under the law.
Now that I've written down the most important points I would mention, I feel slightly better because all of that makes perfect sense. But when I think about it I just get frustrated again because I KNOW that it is pretty much impossible to get these points across to a religious fundamentalist. Mainly because they have God on their side and if God is on their side, they are invincible! *Big Sigh* And that is why I try to stay away from overly religious people and not get sucked into discussions like that, because there is just no way I can have a decent conversation about this.
I have to quote Tyra because she said something really true and beautiful: "I do respect everybody for their beliefs, you know, I respect this side and I respect this side, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but one thing that is important to me is realizing pain in a human being and whatever you believe, whether you don't approve, [...] how they live their life. To me, what hurts is the lack of empathy for pain. Not gay, not straight, but pain."
Monday, May 11, 2009
AfterEllen Hot 100 List 2009
The list is online! And I have to say, I am pleased with our no. 1, Portia de Rossi, even though I didn't vote for her. She's beautiful, funny and a great actress, and she has spoken out for marriage equality in almost every interview I've seen with her in the past months, so that makes me very happy.
The Top 10 this year are:
- Portia de Rossi
- Jennifer Beals
- Lena Headey
- Leisha Hailey
- Sarah Shahi
- Rachel Maddow
- Tina Fey
- Sara Ramirez
- Angelina Jolie
- Gro Hammerseng
Now let's see how my nominees fared:
- Sara Ramirez #8
- Angelina Jolie #9
- Jennifer Beals #2
- Leisha Hailey #4
- Bridget McManus #28
- Kate Winslet #13
- Salma Hayec #85
- Scarlett Johansson #78
- Pink #25
- Catherine Zeta-Jones
Women of Color:
- Sara Ramirez #8
- Jennifer Beals #2
- Taraji P. Henson
- Michelle Obama #97
- Rose Rollins #22
Out Lesbian/Bi Women
- Sarah Warn - AE staffers were deliberatly not put on the list
- Rachel Maddow #6
- Leisha Hailey #4
- Bridget McManus #28
- Clea DuVall
Women Over 40
- Kate Walsh #38
- Jodie Foster #39
- Sela Ward
- Eva La Rue
- Diane Lane # 19 on the Over 40 list
Overall, I think the list really does fulfill it's main purpose, showing the general taste of lesbians in women. I don't appreciate people saying that the list is stupid or wrong, because basically what they are saying is that 150,000 voters in general disagreed with their personal taste. So to those who critizise the list: Why do you think you KNOW who the hottest women according to women are, when you don't believe a list that was established through voting? There is a reason the list is called 'AfterEllen.com Hot 100', because it is a list created by the readers of AfterEllen.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I heart Rachel Maddow!
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
I mean, seriously, how awesome is this video?
BTW, this is my 200th post! *YAY* Rachel more than deserves to be in that post. Can't believe I've had this much to say in less than a year. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Coming out story - Part Two
Part One
Even though I knew that I was gay by age 15, I didn't know anyone else who was gay. I knew about a girl who went to the same junior high school and about the rumors that she was gay, but that was it. At 16/17, I tried to meet other gay teens through going to a gay bar, but that was one Epic Fail. The gay bars in my hometown were in fact 'gay' bars, as in gay guys. I didn't really know where to go and I wasn't out or bold enough to go to the local LGBT-center. I had looked at its website, but most pictures had either old women or young men on them, so it wasn't that appealing to me. When I was 18, a friend of mine informed me of this LGBT event that was taking place in our city hall and invited me to go. So I went there, with her and another friend of hers, not knowing anyone and slightly scared of what would happen. The event itself was nice and interesting, an award was given for special commitment to the LGBT community and I met a really nice guy who told me about the local youth group.
A few weeks later, I went to the regular local lesbian gathering and again met some really nice people. Most ladies at that event were definitely way older than I was (10-20 years) and knew each other really well, so I knew that I wouldn't fit in well. But, the person who organized this event also co-organized the youth even that I had already been invited to. So that was one of the next events that I went to. Through the youth group and the LGBT-group at our local university I got to meet some really nice queer people who were more within my age range and I made some friends. I finally had a sense of community and belonging that I had been missing all my life.
As far as I remember, I came out to my parents about 9 months before I first went to these events. I still know exactly when I came out to my parents, I just don't quite remember when these events took place. I can remember that I just couldn't handle the lies anymore. I had a great relationship with my mom and I felt like I was keeping this big part of who I was and am from her. So I decided that I would just tell her and see how it went. I talked about it to my best friend but her reaction simply was 'They are your family, they'll always love you.' While in theory this is true, I knew that coming out to my parents wasn't going to be that easy and there was always the chance that they wouldn't love me anymore. So I went and talked to the one person I knew would be able to actually support and help me in this situation - my teacher. In one of the 15 minute breaks we had daily at school I approached her and told her that there was something I wanted to talk to her about. I remember that I was incredibly nervous and that I was shaking a lot and tried like hell to hide the fact that I was shaking. I was so nervous that I just flat out told her that I was going to tell my parents that I was gay. Her reaction was a really positive one, in that she said she would of course talk to me and try to help me in the best way she could but that she didn't really have any experience with the subject. I let go of a big sigh of relieve and took a deep breath to face the challenge still ahead. I think either on the same or on the next day we sat down together after school and talked about it all, how I had realized that I was gay, why I wanted to tell them and what I was expecting/what she thought I had to expect. She told me that she had thought about it in terms of how she would react would her daughter tell her that she was gay. Overall, talking to her was one of the things that really helped me through my coming out and knowing that the woman I had admired for so long didn't think anything bad about me simply because I was gay gave me a lot of strength.
Two or three days later, I was sitting on the kitchen counter, my mom was doing dishes, when I told her that we had to talk. Then I just said 'I'm gay'. I don't actually remember myself saying that, I just remember the moment before and her reaction. She laughed and thought that I was joking, but when she turned around and looked at me she realized I wasn't. She asked how I suddenly came up with that idea and I told her that I'd known for a while. Then she asked when I was going to tell my dad and I said that I wasn't sure yet and that I would rather wait. My mom told me that she loved me, which is something I was and still am really grateful for, but I knew that she was shaken up. When my dad came home later that day, she asked me again when I was going to tell him and when I saw the look on her face that said 'I can't keep this a secret from him', I decided to tell him right away. He too thought that I was joking at first and then he poured himself a glass of alcohol and told me that he still loved me, but that he needed a drink. All in all it went by better than I had expected, as I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario. It took a while for the shock to sink in and a few days later my mom came and talked to me and she actually cried. They didn't want me to have children and my mom wanted me to see a doctor to see if there was a chemical imbalance in my body that had 'caused this'. I played along because I knew that it was important for her and I also knew that that was not the case, so I didn't have anything to fear. Incidentally, the doctor she wanted me to see told her that she should be proud of me for having the strength to tell her and that I was on the right path.
Part Three will follow soon...
Even though I knew that I was gay by age 15, I didn't know anyone else who was gay. I knew about a girl who went to the same junior high school and about the rumors that she was gay, but that was it. At 16/17, I tried to meet other gay teens through going to a gay bar, but that was one Epic Fail. The gay bars in my hometown were in fact 'gay' bars, as in gay guys. I didn't really know where to go and I wasn't out or bold enough to go to the local LGBT-center. I had looked at its website, but most pictures had either old women or young men on them, so it wasn't that appealing to me. When I was 18, a friend of mine informed me of this LGBT event that was taking place in our city hall and invited me to go. So I went there, with her and another friend of hers, not knowing anyone and slightly scared of what would happen. The event itself was nice and interesting, an award was given for special commitment to the LGBT community and I met a really nice guy who told me about the local youth group.
A few weeks later, I went to the regular local lesbian gathering and again met some really nice people. Most ladies at that event were definitely way older than I was (10-20 years) and knew each other really well, so I knew that I wouldn't fit in well. But, the person who organized this event also co-organized the youth even that I had already been invited to. So that was one of the next events that I went to. Through the youth group and the LGBT-group at our local university I got to meet some really nice queer people who were more within my age range and I made some friends. I finally had a sense of community and belonging that I had been missing all my life.
As far as I remember, I came out to my parents about 9 months before I first went to these events. I still know exactly when I came out to my parents, I just don't quite remember when these events took place. I can remember that I just couldn't handle the lies anymore. I had a great relationship with my mom and I felt like I was keeping this big part of who I was and am from her. So I decided that I would just tell her and see how it went. I talked about it to my best friend but her reaction simply was 'They are your family, they'll always love you.' While in theory this is true, I knew that coming out to my parents wasn't going to be that easy and there was always the chance that they wouldn't love me anymore. So I went and talked to the one person I knew would be able to actually support and help me in this situation - my teacher. In one of the 15 minute breaks we had daily at school I approached her and told her that there was something I wanted to talk to her about. I remember that I was incredibly nervous and that I was shaking a lot and tried like hell to hide the fact that I was shaking. I was so nervous that I just flat out told her that I was going to tell my parents that I was gay. Her reaction was a really positive one, in that she said she would of course talk to me and try to help me in the best way she could but that she didn't really have any experience with the subject. I let go of a big sigh of relieve and took a deep breath to face the challenge still ahead. I think either on the same or on the next day we sat down together after school and talked about it all, how I had realized that I was gay, why I wanted to tell them and what I was expecting/what she thought I had to expect. She told me that she had thought about it in terms of how she would react would her daughter tell her that she was gay. Overall, talking to her was one of the things that really helped me through my coming out and knowing that the woman I had admired for so long didn't think anything bad about me simply because I was gay gave me a lot of strength.
Two or three days later, I was sitting on the kitchen counter, my mom was doing dishes, when I told her that we had to talk. Then I just said 'I'm gay'. I don't actually remember myself saying that, I just remember the moment before and her reaction. She laughed and thought that I was joking, but when she turned around and looked at me she realized I wasn't. She asked how I suddenly came up with that idea and I told her that I'd known for a while. Then she asked when I was going to tell my dad and I said that I wasn't sure yet and that I would rather wait. My mom told me that she loved me, which is something I was and still am really grateful for, but I knew that she was shaken up. When my dad came home later that day, she asked me again when I was going to tell him and when I saw the look on her face that said 'I can't keep this a secret from him', I decided to tell him right away. He too thought that I was joking at first and then he poured himself a glass of alcohol and told me that he still loved me, but that he needed a drink. All in all it went by better than I had expected, as I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario. It took a while for the shock to sink in and a few days later my mom came and talked to me and she actually cried. They didn't want me to have children and my mom wanted me to see a doctor to see if there was a chemical imbalance in my body that had 'caused this'. I played along because I knew that it was important for her and I also knew that that was not the case, so I didn't have anything to fear. Incidentally, the doctor she wanted me to see told her that she should be proud of me for having the strength to tell her and that I was on the right path.
Part Three will follow soon...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Quote of the Week
"And certainly, when society fails to tell your story, there is an unspoken message, that the story is not worth telling. [...] To love, that is the larger task which connects us all. That is the narrative to which I hope we all can strive. [...] And when two people love each one another, that in and of itself is a miracle and a blessing. [....] Love is by definition sacred. Not some love between some people, but all love between all people. How could anyone say that one person's love is more sacred than another person's? If it is indeed love, it is sanctified. If it is indeed love, the right to marriage is not questionable."
The amazingly beautiful and eloquent Jennifer Beals, Glaad Media Awards June 11th 2005
The amazingly beautiful and eloquent Jennifer Beals, Glaad Media Awards June 11th 2005
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
New Taylor Swift Video
Taylor Swift recently released her new video for 'You Belong With Me' and it's absolutely cute! The song just is a bit bitter-sweet but with the nice positive ending and the video is just very feel-good to me. And those glasses! Enjoy, I certainly did!
Coming out story - Part One
I read FosterEema and FosterAbba's coming out stories at their blog, Navigating the Maze: Foster Parenting and Life and that inspired me to write down my coming out story. I'll split it up into a number of posts, since it's been a few years.
When I was a little girl, I was always way more drawn to women than to men. I had crushes on the girls on 'Baywatch' and on real women in my life, even though I didn't realize that that was what it was. I can still remember having a huge crush on my parent's co-worker when I was about 13 or 14. At the time I thought that I wanted to be LIKE her, not be WITH her. I also wanted Chris and Cory on 'Pacific Blue' to date when they moved in together, even though their relationship clearly was only a best friends friendship. In junior high school, aged 10-14, I always felt different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just knew that I was.
I did have two 'boyfriends', but we were really only best friends. I liked them a lot, but looking back I think it was more about the experience of 'being in love' than actually being in love, if that makes sense. I held hands and cuddled with both of them, but with the first it was clear, at least to me, that that was all that was going to happen. With the second, I felt like I wasn't ready, when in reality, the thought of kissing him made me want to literally throw up. I guess I did really think that that meant that I wasn't ready for kissing, I don't think that I was aware of homosexuality or its existence (Meaning that I might have known about it in abstract terms, but it never crossed my mind).
Things started to make more sense to me when I entered high school and completely fell for a female teacher at 15. I was going through a rough time and didn't have anyone to talk to and she had told us that we could always tell her about our problems so I did. My mother was ill and my friends didn't really understand how I felt and her adult view on things helped me a great deal. The way she treated me was new to me, because she actually listened to what I had to say and she took me seriously. I wasn't used to being treated that way by an adult and so I fell for her, hard. When I came out to my friends later that year, the difficult part wasn't that I was gay but that I was in love with her. It took me a while to tell all of my friends (not that I had that many, but still) and there were times where they did react in a negative way.
I can remember one specific incident that happened in the second or third year of high school. We all went out for Halloween and got drunk. A friend of mine brought a friend that I'd only met once before and I crushed on her. It seems that I flirted with her and played footsies, even though I have no recollection of that because I was drunk and not aware of what I was doing. Two of my friends went back home with me to stay there for the night and one of them freaked out on the bus. She told me that I couldn't just flirt with our friends and that that was different to being in love with a teacher and that she was our friend so she was off-limits. Which I guess was weird because we all only knew her very loosely and had just met her for the second or third time. I guess that that friend of mine wasn't as cool about me being gay than she and I both had thought. After that, we never talked about it again and I wrote it off as her being drunk. She did though, two years later, accuse me of trying to steal her BOYfriend, after she had broken off most contact because of him (We still went to school and dancing lessons together, which is where I apparently flirted with him). Yeah, still not sure if she really understood the concept of me being gay, even though she did think that gay's should have equal rights and shouldn't be treated any different (or so she said).
Throughout the 5 years of high school I always had an unusual relationship with my teacher crush. I adored her and talked to her when I felt I couldn't deal with something on my own. I also followed her around on field trips and was way too much into her for my own good. During my last two years, when I tried really hard to be over her, we were almost friends, as much as teachers and students can be. She told me about a few things in her life which to me meant that she trusted me. When I finally wanted to come out to my parents, I told her first and she helped me a great deal. It was weird talking about being gay and how I had fallen for a women when the women in question was sitting right opposite of me, but I highly doubt that she ever had any clue. She knew that at times, I overstepped certain lines and she firmly reminded me of them. Her 'rejection' hurt a lot, but it also taught me a lot. Having known her had a great impact on me and even though things didn't end the way I wanted them to due to an issue between her and my class, I will always remember her as someone special. Not only was she the first person I was really in love with, but she also taught me a great deal about life and love and forgiveness.
Part Two
When I was a little girl, I was always way more drawn to women than to men. I had crushes on the girls on 'Baywatch' and on real women in my life, even though I didn't realize that that was what it was. I can still remember having a huge crush on my parent's co-worker when I was about 13 or 14. At the time I thought that I wanted to be LIKE her, not be WITH her. I also wanted Chris and Cory on 'Pacific Blue' to date when they moved in together, even though their relationship clearly was only a best friends friendship. In junior high school, aged 10-14, I always felt different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just knew that I was.
I did have two 'boyfriends', but we were really only best friends. I liked them a lot, but looking back I think it was more about the experience of 'being in love' than actually being in love, if that makes sense. I held hands and cuddled with both of them, but with the first it was clear, at least to me, that that was all that was going to happen. With the second, I felt like I wasn't ready, when in reality, the thought of kissing him made me want to literally throw up. I guess I did really think that that meant that I wasn't ready for kissing, I don't think that I was aware of homosexuality or its existence (Meaning that I might have known about it in abstract terms, but it never crossed my mind).
Things started to make more sense to me when I entered high school and completely fell for a female teacher at 15. I was going through a rough time and didn't have anyone to talk to and she had told us that we could always tell her about our problems so I did. My mother was ill and my friends didn't really understand how I felt and her adult view on things helped me a great deal. The way she treated me was new to me, because she actually listened to what I had to say and she took me seriously. I wasn't used to being treated that way by an adult and so I fell for her, hard. When I came out to my friends later that year, the difficult part wasn't that I was gay but that I was in love with her. It took me a while to tell all of my friends (not that I had that many, but still) and there were times where they did react in a negative way.
I can remember one specific incident that happened in the second or third year of high school. We all went out for Halloween and got drunk. A friend of mine brought a friend that I'd only met once before and I crushed on her. It seems that I flirted with her and played footsies, even though I have no recollection of that because I was drunk and not aware of what I was doing. Two of my friends went back home with me to stay there for the night and one of them freaked out on the bus. She told me that I couldn't just flirt with our friends and that that was different to being in love with a teacher and that she was our friend so she was off-limits. Which I guess was weird because we all only knew her very loosely and had just met her for the second or third time. I guess that that friend of mine wasn't as cool about me being gay than she and I both had thought. After that, we never talked about it again and I wrote it off as her being drunk. She did though, two years later, accuse me of trying to steal her BOYfriend, after she had broken off most contact because of him (We still went to school and dancing lessons together, which is where I apparently flirted with him). Yeah, still not sure if she really understood the concept of me being gay, even though she did think that gay's should have equal rights and shouldn't be treated any different (or so she said).
Throughout the 5 years of high school I always had an unusual relationship with my teacher crush. I adored her and talked to her when I felt I couldn't deal with something on my own. I also followed her around on field trips and was way too much into her for my own good. During my last two years, when I tried really hard to be over her, we were almost friends, as much as teachers and students can be. She told me about a few things in her life which to me meant that she trusted me. When I finally wanted to come out to my parents, I told her first and she helped me a great deal. It was weird talking about being gay and how I had fallen for a women when the women in question was sitting right opposite of me, but I highly doubt that she ever had any clue. She knew that at times, I overstepped certain lines and she firmly reminded me of them. Her 'rejection' hurt a lot, but it also taught me a lot. Having known her had a great impact on me and even though things didn't end the way I wanted them to due to an issue between her and my class, I will always remember her as someone special. Not only was she the first person I was really in love with, but she also taught me a great deal about life and love and forgiveness.
Part Two
Wikipedia is down!!
The end of the world is coming! Wikipedia is down, I don't know how long that has been going on, but Oh. My. God! What will I do? Neither the German nor the English version will load on my computer, while every other page loads without problems. How will I survive? Where will I get my information from? Will I die of intellectual deprivation?
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Know your story
Throughout this process of going to therapy and thinking a lot about myself and my past, I've started talking about things that happened when I was little that I have never talked about before. I never thought that it was a big deal, but finally talking about it made me realize that it did affect me and that it wasn't as unimportant as I made it out to be. If you don't talk about something and suppress the memories, it's rather easy to call it 'little' and 'nothing'. With the way it has been affecting me in the last week(s) I have to admit to myself that it did have an effect on me and still does. I'm not ready to actually write about it, or give it a name, because I still don't really know myself what it was.
This weekend, I'm going to my brothers' to see my nephew and my family, since it's been a while that I've seen them. The thought of spending time with all of them has been scary to me to, since this issue with my past has been so present in the last week and given me so much to think and wonder about. The memory of my childhood is hazy, at best. It's hard for me to figure out what really happened and why since I hardly remember anything and am not sure how much I can trust the things that I do remember. While the 'easiest', at the same time really difficult option would be to just ask, that would mean facing something bad and at the same time the person who was involved and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Even though the two people I've talked to about the issue both recommended that option and I can see why it would help me, I'm so afraid because I have no idea what would happen if I did. I also don't know how much I can trust what that person would tell me, since they have motive to lie about it.
I will be spending less than two days with my family, but the prospect of that has been stressful to me like little else. I still haven't packed as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to get on a train in 9 hours and get some sleep too. I have what my girlfriend calls outlets that help me deal with stress. I had to use three of those tonight to deal with my restlessness and even though I got to talk to my baby for a short while I still feel nervous and anxious. I should have studied yesterday and tonight, but was mentally not in a place to. I feel like I am not functioning at all anymore. I'm not as neat as I'd like to be, which increases my anxiety, but I can't do anything about it because I'm anxious. I managed to go meet a friend today and that was good, but I had a hard time not thinking about the issue and I mostly vented to her about other things, which is really something that bothered me. I feel like my mind is constantly alert and tense and it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm in a circle that is hard to break because I have stuff to do with university here and college in the US and I can't take a break right now to concentrate on that.
At the same time, I feel like I'm just so ridiculous. I'm making a way bigger deal out of it than it is. Basically, I had a good childhood, I always had everything I needed and in general my parents did a decent job. They supported me and always loved me and their mistakes are very much in the range of 'Parents are only humans too'. So fuck all of this, I will go pack now. It's not like I need that much stuff anyways, for two days.
This weekend, I'm going to my brothers' to see my nephew and my family, since it's been a while that I've seen them. The thought of spending time with all of them has been scary to me to, since this issue with my past has been so present in the last week and given me so much to think and wonder about. The memory of my childhood is hazy, at best. It's hard for me to figure out what really happened and why since I hardly remember anything and am not sure how much I can trust the things that I do remember. While the 'easiest', at the same time really difficult option would be to just ask, that would mean facing something bad and at the same time the person who was involved and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Even though the two people I've talked to about the issue both recommended that option and I can see why it would help me, I'm so afraid because I have no idea what would happen if I did. I also don't know how much I can trust what that person would tell me, since they have motive to lie about it.
I will be spending less than two days with my family, but the prospect of that has been stressful to me like little else. I still haven't packed as I'm writing this and I'm supposed to get on a train in 9 hours and get some sleep too. I have what my girlfriend calls outlets that help me deal with stress. I had to use three of those tonight to deal with my restlessness and even though I got to talk to my baby for a short while I still feel nervous and anxious. I should have studied yesterday and tonight, but was mentally not in a place to. I feel like I am not functioning at all anymore. I'm not as neat as I'd like to be, which increases my anxiety, but I can't do anything about it because I'm anxious. I managed to go meet a friend today and that was good, but I had a hard time not thinking about the issue and I mostly vented to her about other things, which is really something that bothered me. I feel like my mind is constantly alert and tense and it makes me feel like I can't breathe. I'm in a circle that is hard to break because I have stuff to do with university here and college in the US and I can't take a break right now to concentrate on that.
At the same time, I feel like I'm just so ridiculous. I'm making a way bigger deal out of it than it is. Basically, I had a good childhood, I always had everything I needed and in general my parents did a decent job. They supported me and always loved me and their mistakes are very much in the range of 'Parents are only humans too'. So fuck all of this, I will go pack now. It's not like I need that much stuff anyways, for two days.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Marlee Matlin on The View
Marlee was on The View this week to talk about her new autobiography 'I'll scream later'. I actually really liked the segment and the questions they asked, probably also because Elisabeth and Sherry didn't butt in much.
I really want to read that book because I admire Marlee for what she has achieved and she seems to have grown and become an amazing person through all the difficult times in her life. She is definitely a strong woman to look up to.
I really want to read that book because I admire Marlee for what she has achieved and she seems to have grown and become an amazing person through all the difficult times in her life. She is definitely a strong woman to look up to.
Add Someecards to my internet addictions
Really, I could spend hours browsing through all the ecards on there, they just crack me up. Most of them are pretty much exactly my kind of humor. And yes, I've written about them before, but I just visited the site again after I hadn't been there for a while, so that already warrants a post in my world.
So, so true... *Grins*
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Shipping wars - GRS vs. Callica
Okay, this post isn't really about shipping wars. It's more about which ships I have been invested in. The last post about Calleigh and Eric got me thinking about all the other on-screen relationships I've been highly invested in, so I thought I'd fill you in.
I wanted to just make a list for now, with hearts showing how much I was invested in the couple, ranging from 1 ('interested, but not invested') to 5 ('completely obsessed') and I'll try putting them into the chronological order (which really is harder then it seems).
Welcome to the lovelife of my past:
I wanted to just make a list for now, with hearts showing how much I was invested in the couple, ranging from 1 ('interested, but not invested') to 5 ('completely obsessed') and I'll try putting them into the chronological order (which really is harder then it seems).
Welcome to the lovelife of my past:
Cory and Chris, Pacific Blue YY
Prue and Andy, Charmed YYYY
Prue and Andy, Charmed YYYY
Kim and Kerry, ER YYY
Lorelai and Luke, Gilmore Girls YYYYY
Sara and Grissom, CSI YYYYY
Jack and Samantha, Without a Trace YYY
Samantha and Martin, Without a Trace Y
Dana and Alice, The L Word YYY
Dana and Alice, The L Word YYY
Cameron and House, House MD YYY
House and Stacy, House MD Y
Fritz and Brenda, The Closer YY
Lilly and Joseph, Cold Case YY
Callie and George, Grey's Anatomy YY
Bette and Jodie, The L Word YYY
Alice and Tasha, The L Word YYYY
Cameron and Chase, House MD Y
Callie and Erica, Grey's Anatomy YYYYY
Tina and Bette, The L Word YYY
Alicia and Caitlin, Cashmere Mafia YY
Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy YY
Calleigh and Erica, CSI Miami YY(Y) - not quite sure yet how much I'll obsessWow, I didn't think that list would turn out to be that long, as I'm pretty certain I forgot some couples. One thing that's for sure, though, is that real-life relationships are so much better than on-screen ones!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The internet is addictive!
Who knew? Right now I'm being pulled into Twitter, as if blogs, Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and Youtube weren't enough already. I don't need another internet invention, I don't have the time!
Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...
Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...
Newest Ship: Calleigh and Eric!!
I must confess: I have a new obsession. Since my latest favorite pairing was broken up so painfully, it took some time for someone new to replace that and honestly, there won't be a pairing I'll be as obsessed about as Callica for a while. But, I've been on a bit of a marathon since I came back from my trip. I've been watching CSI Miami's season 7, sometimes four episodes a day. Since the season started, I've been excited about Eric and Calleigh and their possible romantic entanglement. Actually, I think I've been excited about this ship as early as season 6, episode 10, "CSI: My Nanny", during which Eric and Calleigh talked about having a family (not with each other, at that point).I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Calleigh, the southern belle with the weapons interest. For a very short while, I wanted her and Horatio to date, but that idea got thrown out of the window pretty fast. Now, I'm completely into her and Eric, mainly because they just fit and they make a cute couple.
It seems as if 'HipHugger' is the only semi-universal name for the couple, because that's something they do. Putting their names together wouldn't really work well, so I won't even try that. I just can't wait what the future holds in store for them!
Naturally, those two are not the only reason why I've been on that CSI Miami marathon, I also really like Natalia and I'm very intrigued by the new M.E. Dr. Tara Price. But, having a ship makes every show more interesting, in my mind!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Vulnerability
I haven't been able to talk to my girlfriend yet, unfortunately, but we texted and she's not going to kick me to the curb in the near future. We are going to talk about what happened and I'll probably apologize five more times, since I feel so bad that I can't stop myself from apologizing over and over again, even when she tells me to stop.
I had class today, with the two closest friends I have apart from my girl, and naturally I wasn't in the best mood. Normally, when I'm not in a good mood, I'll cover it up and still smile and make jokes, but today, I just couldn't. I'd already talked to one of them on the phone and later on told the other one parts of what had happened too. Both noticed my bad mood, obviously, and one of them asked me if there was anything she could do to help. She also asked me if I was eating, since I seemed even paler than usual. It felt nice, knowing that they were there for me, but at the same time I didn't really want them to comfort me, since I only had myself to blame. I mean, yes, part of the problem is that I'm so far away from my baby and that makes things way harder. But the rest of it was my fault, so I don't really deserve to be comforted. Anyways, this one friend said that I normally always have something funny to say and that she felt so bad for me because I didn't seem like myself.
Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've become more open with my feelings and I've started showing them more, mostly to her, but also to my friends. I'm the first person to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is perfectly fine when it's not, because I don't trust people that much and because I don't want people to focus too much on me. When I tell someone about my problems, I will almost always also ask about theirs in the same conversation, because I don't want to feel like I'm just dumping my stuff onto them. That will probably never change, but I'm having less of a problem of being open and honest about my feelings recently. I would say that my decision to not finish university here and to finally take my life into my own hands also had an impact on that, but only partially.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm noticing a number of changes, some of them bad, most of them good, since I've fallen in love and actually had that person return the love. (Well, she was the one who fell in love first, as she likes to point out, but you get what I'm saying...) It is as if I'm more in touch with my feelings again and using my head less to control my heart. What is interesting is that all of these changes and things like me starting therapy and deciding to move to the States for real, me falling in love and going to America on my own to meet her, are happening all at once. It's like all of this is connected and supposed to happen at the same time, since it works together so well.
Whatever the future may bring for me, I know that I can face those challenges with my head held high, because I'm taking my happiness into my own hands and that is something I never thought possible.
I had class today, with the two closest friends I have apart from my girl, and naturally I wasn't in the best mood. Normally, when I'm not in a good mood, I'll cover it up and still smile and make jokes, but today, I just couldn't. I'd already talked to one of them on the phone and later on told the other one parts of what had happened too. Both noticed my bad mood, obviously, and one of them asked me if there was anything she could do to help. She also asked me if I was eating, since I seemed even paler than usual. It felt nice, knowing that they were there for me, but at the same time I didn't really want them to comfort me, since I only had myself to blame. I mean, yes, part of the problem is that I'm so far away from my baby and that makes things way harder. But the rest of it was my fault, so I don't really deserve to be comforted. Anyways, this one friend said that I normally always have something funny to say and that she felt so bad for me because I didn't seem like myself.
Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've become more open with my feelings and I've started showing them more, mostly to her, but also to my friends. I'm the first person to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is perfectly fine when it's not, because I don't trust people that much and because I don't want people to focus too much on me. When I tell someone about my problems, I will almost always also ask about theirs in the same conversation, because I don't want to feel like I'm just dumping my stuff onto them. That will probably never change, but I'm having less of a problem of being open and honest about my feelings recently. I would say that my decision to not finish university here and to finally take my life into my own hands also had an impact on that, but only partially.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm noticing a number of changes, some of them bad, most of them good, since I've fallen in love and actually had that person return the love. (Well, she was the one who fell in love first, as she likes to point out, but you get what I'm saying...) It is as if I'm more in touch with my feelings again and using my head less to control my heart. What is interesting is that all of these changes and things like me starting therapy and deciding to move to the States for real, me falling in love and going to America on my own to meet her, are happening all at once. It's like all of this is connected and supposed to happen at the same time, since it works together so well.
Whatever the future may bring for me, I know that I can face those challenges with my head held high, because I'm taking my happiness into my own hands and that is something I never thought possible.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Attitude problems
I had an absolutely amazing trip and just loved spending every second of my day with my girlfriend. But, naturally, not all things are perfect, they never are. Last night, we ran into a problem again that we've had encountered during my time there too. I have a bit of an attitude problem, you could also call it a temper. And sometimes, when things are not going my way, I can be rude, as my girlfriend puts it. I'd say I'm just plain mean. Looking at the situation hours or days later, I can see that I was being mean, but when I'm in that place I can't help it.
What's so fucked up about this is that for me, being rude or mean is a sign of weakness and so I don't let most people see that side of me. I'm almost always still polite, even when I'm pissed off. But since I can even cry in front of my girlfriend and not be ashamed/regret it lateron, I can also show her that side of mine. Which is messed up.
Last night, I thought we were going to talk, but she couldn't, for a reason I can now accept. But in that moment, I was so hurt because I had looked forward to talking to her so much, that I took it out on her. Which obviously hurt her. We fought about my behavior and after some time passed, I apologized. I made things worse by trying to rationalize my behavior and now things are rocky, at best. There isn't anything I can do except apologize and tell her that I'm working on my attitude problems, which I am. But I can't promise her that it will never happen again, because sometimes, I can't control myself.
I think one reason why I spend so much time alone is because it takes a lot of energy to always be nice and friendly and polite and to always be there for everyone. I need a lot of time alone to go through all of the feelings I don't let out during the day. When I'm with her, I don't really need that time, because I can show her what I feel. I just need to work on not taking things out on her, even if it might partially be her fault - which yesterday, it wasn't.
All of this is very much fucked up and I would love to take back what I said to her, but I can't and I'm learning that the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to forgive me and not kick me to the curb. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that, knowing that it was all my fault and that I made her break up with me.
What's so fucked up about this is that for me, being rude or mean is a sign of weakness and so I don't let most people see that side of me. I'm almost always still polite, even when I'm pissed off. But since I can even cry in front of my girlfriend and not be ashamed/regret it lateron, I can also show her that side of mine. Which is messed up.
Last night, I thought we were going to talk, but she couldn't, for a reason I can now accept. But in that moment, I was so hurt because I had looked forward to talking to her so much, that I took it out on her. Which obviously hurt her. We fought about my behavior and after some time passed, I apologized. I made things worse by trying to rationalize my behavior and now things are rocky, at best. There isn't anything I can do except apologize and tell her that I'm working on my attitude problems, which I am. But I can't promise her that it will never happen again, because sometimes, I can't control myself.
I think one reason why I spend so much time alone is because it takes a lot of energy to always be nice and friendly and polite and to always be there for everyone. I need a lot of time alone to go through all of the feelings I don't let out during the day. When I'm with her, I don't really need that time, because I can show her what I feel. I just need to work on not taking things out on her, even if it might partially be her fault - which yesterday, it wasn't.
All of this is very much fucked up and I would love to take back what I said to her, but I can't and I'm learning that the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to forgive me and not kick me to the curb. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that, knowing that it was all my fault and that I made her break up with me.
AE Hot 100
This Friday, voting for the AfterEllen Hot 100 ended and I managed to still get my nominations in. *YAY*.
Here's my list and last year's list, to compare if you're interested.
My 10 nominees for the AfterEllen Hot 100:
- Sara Ramirez
- Angelina Jolie
- Jennifer Beals
- Leisha Hailey
- Bridget McManus
- Kate Winslet
- Salma Hayec
- Scarlett Johansson
- Pink
- Catherine Zeta-Jones
This year, there were also three more categories to nominate women in: Women of Color, Out Lesbian/Bi Women and Hot Women over 40. I think it's pretty awesome, because that way you can put your focus on one specific group of women which should be celebrated along with women overall.
Women of Color:
- Sara Ramirez
- Jennifer Beals
- Taraji P. Henson
- Michelle Obama
- Rose Rollins
I decided to nominate Sara and Jennifer twice, since they are both definitely among my top 10, no matter what list it is. Other women who didn't make my list: Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams, Jennifer Lopez
Out Lesbian/Bi Women
- Sarah Warn
- Rachel Maddow
- Leisha Hailey
- Bridget McManus
- Clea DuVall
Okay, so technically, Clea DuVall isn't out. But frankly, I didn't care, I just wanted to nominate her anyways. Other women who didn't make my list: Liz Feldman, Raimy Rosenduft, Cat Davis
Over 40
- Kate Walsh
- Jodie Foster
- Sela Ward
- Eva La Rue
- Diane Lane
In case you don't know her, Eva La Rue plays Natalia Boavista on CSI Miami and damn, she's one good-looking woman! Other women who didn't make my list: Julianna Margulies, Maura Tierney, Meryl Streep, Diane Sawyer, Julianne Moore
I can't wait to see the list and see who's the hottest woman this year. I was very pleased with 2007's winner Leisha Hailey and even though I don't think she's that hot, she's pretty funny and a great actress, so I didn't have anything to complain about 2008's winner Tina Fey.
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