Weight

I've been obsessing about weight lately. My own weight, other people's weight, comparing the two, whatever you can think of. Luckily, I don't have a scale in my apartment, or I'd probably be weighing myself multiple times a day.

I've always had issues with my weight. I think that my parents did not instill a healthy relationship with my weight in me. I was always supposed to eat more fruit and veggies and exercise more. For the most part because I am naturally not a sports fan and certainly could do way more. I'm in a terrible shape at 21, even though I don't necessarily look that way. I also have medical issues with sugar and should not eat the amount of sweets that I eat. However, sweets have always been a comfort to me and when I'm stressed out, I need the sugar to kick me into full gear. I need the energy from sugar to keep going, because even the healthiest carbs don't cut it.

Lately, I've been trying to not gain weight because I know that the stressful times won't be over for another 2 months at least and I also know that my nutrition will change once I move to the States. I still hadn't lost the weight that I had gained when I graduated from high school and I always feel like I could lose a little weight. I think that's a thought most women probably share. I have a small build, I'm average height but my bones are definitely very slender. My fingers, arms and legs are naturally thin (my girlfriend says I have 'skeleton arms' - I can without difficulty touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist). The only places on my body where fat sits is on my belly and my breasts. I've always had issues with my belly and it was always the one body part that made me feel 'fat'. I try not to use that word and I really don't like it, but that's how I felt and still feel sometimes.

Since I knew that I was going to probably gain weight if I wasn't careful, I tried some reverse psychology on myself - and it actually worked! The way that I can depend on food to soothe me I can also not eat and be proud of myself for not eating. I realize the way I have lost some weight is not the healthiest, by far not, but right now it is the only way I can do it. If I don't lose weight, I will without a doubt gain it.

Numerous people have commented on my weight loss and even though I deny that I have lost weight, it still makes me feel good about myself. I don't even see it that much, the only part where I actually see it are my love handles. So far I have lost about 10 pounds, which really isn't that much, but apparently that already makes a difference. I notice that I can't eat as much at once anymore, because I'm not used to it. Here, in my apartment, where I cook and eat whenever I want to, it's easy to change my diet. At home, I have to eat with my parents at least once a day and even though I skip breakfast because I sleep almost till noon, I can barely eat the portions that my mom puts on my plate. I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can, which is also difficult at home because my mom buys what they like and I'm a picky eater.

A big bowl of watermelon or cucumber is more filling than one might think and since I generally don't cook meat it's really not that difficult to lose weight. I don't need carbs either, I like bread but I can go without noodles, potatoes or rice. I've been really lazy about cooking lately and that certainly also played a part in my weight loss. When you mainly eat fruits, veggies, bread and sweets it's hard to gain weight.

I know that I have to be careful and not overstep the line of obsessing about it too much. I've always said that I could not develop an eating disorder because I love food too much and I still believe that that's true. I'm just surprised by how easy it has been to lose 10 pounds, when I've not weighed that little in at least 3 years.

Taking care of my parents. Or not.

I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.

I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).

My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.

I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?

I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.

I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.

I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.

I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.

Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.

It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.

Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.

[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]

Sensitivity, family and friendship

Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:

"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*

i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.

i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.

i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"

I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.

Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.

The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.

I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.

I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.

Pronouns

I wasn't going to comment on it, but now I'm getting a bit frustrated with people's inability to refer to Chaz Bono as 'he'. From the press statement that he released, I think it is pretty obivous that Chaz identifies as male. Why is that so hard to understand?

Yes, Chasity Bono was born biologically female. But he came to the very personal conclusion that he was male and while he might not haven gotten surgery yet, that has nothing to do with the fact that he identifies as male. I don't know much about transitioning or transgender people in general, but with the little knowledge I have it seems pretty obvious that when someone identifies one way or the other, people should respect that. Yes, Chaz Bono used to be a little, cute blond girl on national TV, but I think we all agree that those days are long over.

*Sigh*. I just wish people would pay more respect to other people's personal choices.

Quote of the Week

"Und dann gibt es noch die "Social-Glue"-Theorie, die besagt, dass Homosexualität Aggressionen hemmt bzw. den Zusammenhalt der Gruppe fördert. Sie gilt als Erklärungsansatz Nummer eins bei Bonobos, Delfinen und Spechten. Im Prinzip würde sie auch für Homo sapiens passen: Zumindest gilt die Schwulenszene als relativ friedlich. Schlägereien dürften eher eine Domäne der Heteros sein."

Aus einem ORF On Science Artikel mit dem Titel 'Warum es schule Tiere gibt'. Der letzte Satz brachte mich echt zum Lachen.

"Mimose, scheißt in die Hose."

Since I was very little, I've always been very sensitive. I cried a lot as a child and was easily upset by other's behavior. Growing up with an older brother, I was forced to learn to not show how he was affecting me. So I started building walls early on and over time I got really good at putting up a facade. Despite all that, I'm still very sensitive, too sensitive even.

I often get upset over other people's inconsideration for my feelings and remarks about how I look, dress or act sometimes haunt me for days. I get very defensive when someone tries to change how I dress because I'm at a point where I am comfortable with my appearance, most of the time at least, and I'm not willing to give that up. I'm not willing to move out of my comfort zone to either adhere to society's ideals or to impress/please other people. I do sometimes put on makeup, but only when I'm in the mood to. Which means that I've gone out to parties or clubs dressed in jeans, a shirt and no makeup on because I just didn't feel like dressing up. I don't care either way if other women dress up, but I feel like I have enough going for me to not need dressing up if I don't feel like it. I don't mind that I blend into crowds and can go unnoticed, because I don't want attention from men anyways and I've been the center of unwanted attention because of how I dress too often - not in a good way.

My appearance and other people judging it is only one thing I'm too sensitive about. My feelings get hurt when my girlfriend doesn't contact me in any way for a whole day. I want to be taken care of and because things have been the way they are - namely, that we are too far apart - the situation has been really hard on me. I haven't been posting much lately because I just didn't feel like communicating. There is only one person I want to talk to and when I can't I don't even want to 'talk to myself', which is how I mostly regard this blog. I am very romantic at my core, even though I will probably deny that in certain situations. I like taking care of my girlfriend, just as I like doing nice things for my friends once in a while. I like to show that I appreciate the people in my life, at least I try to show that. I like sending my girlfriend flowers, just because I know how it will make her feel, I like just randomly buying little things for her to show her that I'm taking care of her, stuff like that.

All the things that I like doing for other people, I naturally also enjoy it when people do things for me. Now the situation is as it is, plus I have a credit card and my girlfriend pretty much is broke all the time and that makes everything even harder. She simply can't afford to do certain things that I can afford. I completely understand that and I don't want her to spend what little money she has on me. But at the same time I still want to be taken care of and paid attention to.

I think it's really hard for me because I will have the worst day and sleep badly when we don't talk in some way or if I wait for her to contact me and she doesn't. She seems to be able to deal with that way better than I do and it just doesn't seem to matter to her as much. We had a conversation about this the other day and she didn't know what I was upset about because it was only ONE day to her when I was completely heartbroken. See what I mean with over-sensitive? I haven't figured out how to deal with this yet. On the one hand, I'm telling myself that it's only two more months, probably less (if I get accepted). Then we will live in the same city or at least very close to each other and we will be able to spend a lot of time together. On the other hand, I have to learn to not have those negative thoughts in my head. I always automatically assume that she's not thinking about me, when I know that she is. But it feels that way to me and that's not fair towards her and just stupid.

I also don't want to ask for her attention. I can clearly remember a story we talked about in my German class. A mother was cooking dinner for her family every night and her kids and husband always just ate it and took it for granted. Until one day she asked them if they enjoyed what she had cooked and they praised her for her cooking skills. The mother should have enjoyed the praise and felt great, but it wasn't the same as if they had just told her without her questions. It shouldn't matter whether someone does/says something nice because you asked them or not, because they still mean it the same way. But it does matter. It matters a great deal. Now there are people like me who are very sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and there are people who will probably never understand what I'm talking about and that's okay. It still doesn't change anything about my feelings.

[My mother used to call me 'her little mimosa' because of my sensitivity. The title says 'Mimosa, poops in the pants', which is something she used to say a lot too. I guess that means that sensitive kids poop in their pants out of fear. Google didn't know it, which surprised me, so I'll have to ask my mom where that saying comes from.]

Kelly Clarkson speaks to me

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway"

I'm kinda shocked to learn that Avril Lavigne actually co-wrote the lyrics. I love the video and I love the song, because that is exactly how I have felt for a very long time and still feel.

Quote of the Week

One sees well only with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes.

From 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. I absolutely love that quote.

[Yes, I realize I didn't post a quote two weeks in a row. Lets just say my life and my brain are in a bit of chaos right now.]

Happy Birthday Angelina!

Today is the hottest woman on this planet's birthday. To celebrate I thought I'd post some of my favorite pictures of her. I have to say, she's aging well - not that she's actually 'old' yet - but she's getting more beautiful every year.

Angelina and her mom

One of the best Oscar dresses ever

Goofing around with Maddox in Venice

This picture was taken by Annie Leibovitz

With Zahara and Shiloh in New Orleans

Jane Fonda is awesome!

Proof:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Keyboard Cat

Obviously Gloria Steinem rocks too! No further comments needed.

'Gay' PostSecret

Via PostSecret (5/31/2009):

I don't feel guilty about being gay. Sometimes I'm even very, very happy that I'm gay. I usually don't judge people's feelings, but that statement angers me because it basically says that being gay is caused by sexual abuse and I don't think that that's true. How can you wish for something horrible to have happened in your past? I guess for some people being gay is harder than for others and that saddens me.

New lawsuit against Prop 8

I'm pretty excited about this lawsuit because I think that they have a chance at winning this lawsuit and it would be on a federal level. The way I understand it, if this goes through (which might take years), marriage on a federal level would be so much more of a realistic possibility than it is now. Why does that make a difference to me? Because right now, if I married my girlfriend in one of the 5 states where it is legal, that would not change anything about my immigration status. If I married a man, I could apply for citizenship after 3 years of marriage and in those three years of marriage I could stay and work in the US under what is called a 'K visa'. And that right there is discrimination.

Sex With Ducks

I can't stop laughing!!! These two girls are so awesome, check out their other videos too! Their band is called 'Garfunkel and Oates', Riki Lindhome is Garfunkel and Kate Micucci is Oates, both of them are actresses as well. Via Britisshameless

Sexual abuse

I think in general terms, what sexual abuse is is obvious. To me, anything sexual that happens between two people without consent is sexual abuse. It doesn't matter whether these two people are dating, married or strangers, when consent is missing it is abuse. Child sexual abuse is, in most cases, an adult abusing a child in a sexual way. I think it's pretty much clear that any sexual actions that involve children are illegal and wrong. But, what if these acts happen between two minors? Teenagers having consensual sex is not illegal because there is the argument that they are old enough to make these decisions. I think that is pretty much common sense.

However, what if there is a significant age difference - I think especially when you're a child a few years make a huge difference - and the younger child does not have the possibility to say no. Or doesn't know how to say no. Or doesn't understand what's going on. Where do you draw the line? Where is the line between 'children just being children and curious' and sexual abuse. I think most people remember 'playing doctor' in their early childhood and it is generally seen as normal curiosity about your own body. According to wikipedia: "Playing doctor is considered by most child psychologists as a normal step in childhood sexual development between the ages of approximately three and six years." So once the older child is significantly older than six, are any sexual acts child-on-child sexual abuse?

All of this has to do with psychiatry and emotions and personal experiences that cannot be depicted in an objective manner. I guess you'd have to look at every single case to figure out what it is. Is it really so important to be able to call it a certain name? It seems really important to me, but in the end what effects it has on a person and how they deal with it are probably way more important. Can you blame a child or an adolescent youth for initiating sexual behavior with a younger child when they might not even know or fully understand what they are doing? This kind of behavior certainly has to originate somewhere, but a curious child who grows up around older siblings will probably come across adult magazines/movies at some point.

I'm not sure if there's an answer to all of this. Obviously, exposing a child to sex in any way, shape or form too early isn't good. I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to your child about how babies are made or that you should completely shelter your child from absolutely everything sexual, but with some common sense most adults know where to draw the line. A six-year-old certainly does not need a graphic description of how babies are made, much less pictures in adult magazines. A twelve-year-old can probably deal with information about sex, STD's and contraception in a meaningful way.

Anyways, just some things going through my head. Maybe I'll one day be able to write down my experiences and share them with this little blog of mine, but right now, I'm not. C'est la vie.

Attention whore

I realized something the other day that I wanted to write about. In general terms, I am very much not an attention whore. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like having all eyes on me and I generally feel more comfortable in small groups. BUT, when it comes to certain situations, I crave attention like crazy.

I think one of the reasons I fell for my teacher so hard was that she paid attention to me in a way very few people did. She really listened to what I had to say and didn't just treat me like someone unimportant. When I'm talking to someone, the rudest thing that person can do in my mind is not pay attention to what I'm saying. When I'm spending my time with someone, I expect that person to pay attention to me. I am always more than ready to pay attention and I show interest in things that might not be that interesting to me because that other person finds it interesting. When someone wants to tell me something or talk about something, I am more than willing to listen and engage in a conversation. Concurrently, I expect the same from the other person. I've learned that not all people are as interested in movies and tv-shows as I am and I don't talk about it that much anymore, but at the same time I'm not willing to be friends with or spend my time with people who don't have the courtesy to show interest in what I have to say, about anything, really.

When I'm into someone, I can sometimes take it to extremes. I want that person's attention and I want it all the time. I'm in a really weird situation right now due to the fact that my girlfriend lives 4000 miles away from me and when I know that we won't be able to talk/chat, I can deal with it really well. But when I think that we will talk and for some reason we don't I get so disappointed and I will automatically feel like she's not paying enough attention to me, even though that's not true.

I think one big issue I have is that my sister always took up a lot of attention from my parents and growing up I felt like I had to do something to get my mom's attention. The more I care about a person, the more I will want their attention. I think that's not unusual, that's probably pretty universal, but for someone who has always had a problem with getting people's attention it leads to internal issues that become external without the other person understanding what's going on.

I don't really have a point here. I'm not even sure if what I just wrote makes much sense. It's just something that's going through my head right now. (I've written about something similar here.)

Angels & Demons: The movie

I know, a lot of movies this week. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied, what can a girl say?

If you've been following my tweets, I've re-read 'Angels & Demons' by Dan Brown before watching the movie and that probably wasn't the best idea. I'd forgotten a lot from the book so the changes they had made in the movie probably wouldn't have been as apparent. But I enjoyed the book a whole lot when I read it the first time and so I wanted to re-read it before the movie potentially destroyed the reading experience. Now I have to say that almost always, books are better than the movies derived from them - one exception: 'The Reader' - so I tend to read the book before watching the movie. I like the tension in not knowing the ending and I feel like knowing the end will ruin a book far more than it will ruin a movie.

'Angels & Demons' was a big disappointment to me because they changed so much of the story and they left out so many interesting twists. They also mentioned Robert Langdon's recent history with the church numerous times, which is something I don't remember from the book at all. Since I don't remember 'The Da Vinci Code' that well, this kind of confused and annoyed me. I have to say I really liked Ayelet Zurer as Vittoria Vetra, even though I would have preferred it if they had given her a bigger, or more emotional role. Tom Hanks on the other hand did not wow me at all. Not that his acting was bad, but there just wasn't much of it, I felt he was somehow unemotional throughout the movie.

All in all, I don't think it's worth going to the cinema to watch the movie and I will probably not watch it on TV again either, I'd very much rather re-read the book again.

Movie weekend: Slumdog Millionaire and Wolverine

[Spoiler alert for Slumdog Millionaire and X-Men Origins: Wolverine]

This weekend, I finally managed to watch 'Slumdog Millionaire' and I have to say it was a bit unexpected. Beforehand, I thought the movie was more of a love story than a drama and now I know it's not. Explains the Oscar win, though.

During parts of the movie I was upset and appalled because I know that the story of these three children is not unrealistic. There are millions of children who are homeless and all of that seems so foreign to me. I don't think that someone who grew up in an industrialized nation can ever know or understand what it is like to grow up without parents, living on the streets, having to take care of yourself at such a young age.

I really liked how they set up the scenes, switching back and forth between Jamal's childhood, the gameshow and the interrogation. I thought that was a great way to tell the story, even though at the very beginning, I couldn't quite make the connection between the questions and the events in his childhood. The acting was really good, especially the children did a great job, considering their age. All in all, 'Slumdog Millionaire' is definitely a movie I can recommend anyone to watch, there are numerous things you can learn about life in India and it's more than just entertainment.

Last night, I saw 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine', which obviously is completely different to Slumdog. I have to say that I really liked all of the X-Men movies so far, I especially liked the third one because I felt that the situation the X-Men were in was a bit similar to the situation gay people are in. If someone came up with a cure for homosexuality, I'm sure the reaction would be similar - some would want to be cured, some would struggle with the decision and the pressure from their families and friends and some would still want to be gay. So I was easily able to identify with the X-Men, and also with their status as outsiders.

'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' focuses on the story of Wolverine, obviously. The movie starts out at the very beginning, when Logan/Wolverine is just a little boy and discovers his otherness. I really liked how the relationship between Logan and his brother Victor was set up and how they showed them drifting apart. The movie was well-balanced between action scenes, dramatic sequences and dialogue. I was really impressed by how much muscles Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber had packed on, it made their fight scenes more impressive in a way. The theme of 'You're not an animal' versus Victor attacking on all fours stuck with me too, because it just showed well the difference between the two brothers.

All in all, I have to say that I liked Liev Schreiber's acting even more than Hugh Jackman's, Liev really freaked me out when he was on 'CSI Las Vegas' too, because he just plays his creepily calm so well. So if you liked the X-Men movies, you'll probably also enjoy Wolverine! It's not a movie that will get you thinking, but it's definitely good entertainment.

Happy First Birthday, Blog!

One year ago today, I posted for the very first time here. A lot has happened since then:

• I decided to quit university here and applied for college in the US.
• I got to know my girlfriend and started dating her.
• I grew up a lot, taking over responsibility for my life and my happiness.
• I became an aunt!
• I organized a trip to the US with no help from my parents and traveled there on my own (even paid for most of it on my own).
• I started therapy and am facing demons from my past.

And that's only the big stuff! I think the past year has been one of the most life-changing ones, together with the year I graduated from high school and moved out. I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine last night, about all the things that had been going on in our lives. We concluded that things that seemed really big and important a year or six months ago don't even make us bat our eyelashes today. Just looking back on what I wrote in November (here and here) shows a big difference to where I am at right now in my life.

What I hope is that a year from now, I will have adjusted well to my hopefully new life and that I will have grown as a person. If not as much as the past year, then at least enough to be a better person, a better girlfriend, a better student and a better person for myself.

Coming out story - Part Three

Voilà: Part One and Part Two

So by age 18, I was out to my parents and to my friends and I was starting to meet other LGBT people. I wasn't really out at school, since I didn't want people to talk about me more than they already did and I felt no need to be out to people who didn't like me to begin with. I wasn't in your face out but I was comfortable with my sexuality and with the people in my life knowing. When I first started going to LGBT-events, I lied to my mom and made up excuses to where I was really going, but after three or four of these lies I thought to myself 'She dealt with me being gay, she might as well deal with me knowing gay people'. My parents had told me that they didn't want me to tell anyone that I was gay and they were slightly disappointed/uncomfortable when I told them that my friends all already knew.

So things pretty much stayed the same in that area until I graduated from high school and moved to a different town to study there. I didn't know anyone and had to make new friend and had to come out all over again. People never think that I might be gay because I don't 'look gay', or as I call it, 'I don't look like the stereotype', so it always comes as a surprise to people. The difficulty I encountered, which I think is pretty universal among members of this community, is not knowing how someone might react. There are many people who don't know or think that they don't know anyone queer and they very happily live in their heterocentric world. Most of them don't even have that much of an opinion on gay people, since they pretty much are oblivious to it. They know that homosexuality exists, but it's a very abstract thing that has nothing to do with their lives. So even with nice people you can get weird or bad reactions to your coming out. The point is, you just never know.

I decided that I didn't want it to be a big deal, but I also wasn't going to go back into the closet. So when I started being friends with two girls I am still friends with I told them pretty soon, basically by saying that I wasn't into the kind of girls that were at the bar we were at. Their reaction was basically, 'Oh, okay' and they asked me a few things about how I found out and things that had to do with me being gay. I was positively surprised by their reaction, since one of them is Catholic and I wasn't sure how religious she was. I got the best reaction ever from one girl who is pretty much the obvious outsider that I am too. I told her that I was gay straight out and she said 'Wow, how cool! So do you have a girlfriend?' She went through very similar experiences in highschool (being bullied and picked on) and so she has that compassion and respect for outsiders that I feel one has when they grow up with these experiences. Since those three people were the only ones I was really friends with and how were more than just acquaintances, they were the only ones I told. The other people who knew me and these friends basically found out by hearing me talk about it with my friends.

Until I met my girlfriend, being gay and out was often more of a theoretical concept. Unless I told someone, nobody knew and since I didn't have a girlfriend, it was easy not to talk about it with people who didn't know me well. Of course, all of that changed when I started dating my baby. I'll write about that in Part Four.

Quote of the Week

"I'm different than other women and by different I mean better!"

Veronica (Portia de Rossi) on Better Off Ted