Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Aching. Longing. Needing.

There are things in my life that I ache for. Long for desperately. Things that aren't in my life. Some of them I can name. Some, not. Sometimes I just feel like I need something. Just something. I can't pinpoint what it is and I try compensating, but the need doesn't go away.

I long for friendship in a way that it is missing in my life. I have a few good friends, for certain 'occasions', let's call it that way. I have friends who share my interests. I have friends with whom I can really discuss on an intellectual level that challenges me. I have a friend who is willing to listen to me ramble and rant and thinks that it's great I'm in therapy because it helps me. She's the only IRL friend who knows about therapy and about certain aspects of my struggle. But I don't have the one best friend. I don't have that one person that lives nearby, knows all of my secrets and lets me be me.

I long for the friendship and companionship that a best friend brings. I long for a friend with whom I can just cuddle and lay in bed and talk for hours. I crave real-life human contact. Something even the best online friends cannot provide. When I left the childishness and stupidity of puberty behind, my mother started to say that I am clingy with her. I am close to my mom and up until recently, we would talk about almost everything that was going on in my life. When I'm home, I hug her a lot and I love hanging out in front of the TV and just cuddling with her. I realize that that might be unusual at my age but it makes me feel safe the way it did when I was little. We never really grow out of being our parent's kids, do we?

With the way things are right now, I hardly ever talk to her at all. I call once or twice a week to let her know that I'm still alive, but we don't really talk. I'm starting to try and go my own way and she disagrees and this is like this huge wall between the two of us.

I'm longing to experience the things that you are supposed to experience to grow and to grow up. My therapist told me that living through a fictional TV-character isn't living. Well, what's the alternative? Not living at all? Not that living through this fictional TV-character is even an option anymore.

I don't know what to do with myself. I want my life to have meaning. I want to matter. I want someone to share my life with, whether it be a best friend or a girlfriend. I want what I do to matter. I need to fill the voids in my life, because the distractions aren't working anymore. How to fill the voids? If only I knew.


Britni said...

This is a really powerful post. I understand where you are coming from, because I recently wrote about something similar. I have tons of friends online or that I communicate with only online that live far from me, but I am missing that connection with people close in proximity to me. I wonder if I relationship jump just for the physical contact and comfort that having someone, anyone there brings me.

Keep your chin up and in time, you will find what you are looking for. It will happen eventually, but I know how hard it is to wait for it to come. It's not easy.

Nelfy said...

the post about florida and boston? that one hit pretty close to home with me.

thanks. it just feels like I've been waiting for too long at times.

Monilisi said...

Don't forget that everyone goes through this. I went through EXACTLY what you are describing. When I started going back to school, it helped greatly to start working on my own things and put focus in my life.