Thursday, April 30, 2009

Shipping wars - GRS vs. Callica

Okay, this post isn't really about shipping wars. It's more about which ships I have been invested in. The last post about Calleigh and Eric got me thinking about all the other on-screen relationships I've been highly invested in, so I thought I'd fill you in.

I wanted to just make a list for now, with hearts showing how much I was invested in the couple, ranging from 1 ('interested, but not invested') to 5 ('completely obsessed') and I'll try putting them into the chronological order (which really is harder then it seems).

Welcome to the lovelife of my past:

Cory and Chris, Pacific Blue YY
Prue and Andy, Charmed YYYY
Kim and Kerry, ER YYY
Lorelai and Luke, Gilmore Girls YYYYY
Sara and Grissom, CSI YYYYY
Jack and Samantha, Without a Trace YYY
Samantha and Martin, Without a Trace Y
Dana and Alice, The L Word YYY
Cameron and House, House MD YYY
House and Stacy, House MD Y
Fritz and Brenda, The Closer YY
Lilly and Joseph, Cold Case YY
Callie and George, Grey's Anatomy YY
Bette and Jodie, The L Word YYY
Alice and Tasha, The L Word YYYY
Cameron and Chase, House MD Y
Callie and Erica, Grey's Anatomy YYYYY
Tina and Bette, The L Word YYY
Alicia and Caitlin, Cashmere Mafia YY
Callie and Arizona, Grey's Anatomy YY
Calleigh and Erica, CSI Miami YY(Y) - not quite sure yet how much I'll obsess

Wow, I didn't think that list would turn out to be that long, as I'm pretty certain I forgot some couples. One thing that's for sure, though, is that real-life relationships are so much better than on-screen ones!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The internet is addictive!

Who knew? Right now I'm being pulled into Twitter, as if blogs, Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and Youtube weren't enough already. I don't need another internet invention, I don't have the time!

Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...

Newest Ship: Calleigh and Eric!!

I must confess: I have a new obsession. Since my latest favorite pairing was broken up so painfully, it took some time for someone new to replace that and honestly, there won't be a pairing I'll be as obsessed about as Callica for a while. But, I've been on a bit of a marathon since I came back from my trip. I've been watching CSI Miami's season 7, sometimes four episodes a day. Since the season started, I've been excited about Eric and Calleigh and their possible romantic entanglement. Actually, I think I've been excited about this ship as early as season 6, episode 10, "CSI: My Nanny", during which Eric and Calleigh talked about having a family (not with each other, at that point).

I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Calleigh, the southern belle with the weapons interest. For a very short while, I wanted her and Horatio to date, but that idea got thrown out of the window pretty fast. Now, I'm completely into her and Eric, mainly because they just fit and they make a cute couple.

It seems as if 'HipHugger' is the only semi-universal name for the couple, because that's something they do. Putting their names together wouldn't really work well, so I won't even try that. I just can't wait what the future holds in store for them!

Naturally, those two are not the only reason why I've been on that CSI Miami marathon, I also really like Natalia and I'm very intrigued by the new M.E. Dr. Tara Price. But, having a ship makes every show more interesting, in my mind!

Monday, April 27, 2009


I haven't been able to talk to my girlfriend yet, unfortunately, but we texted and she's not going to kick me to the curb in the near future. We are going to talk about what happened and I'll probably apologize five more times, since I feel so bad that I can't stop myself from apologizing over and over again, even when she tells me to stop.

I had class today, with the two closest friends I have apart from my girl, and naturally I wasn't in the best mood. Normally, when I'm not in a good mood, I'll cover it up and still smile and make jokes, but today, I just couldn't. I'd already talked to one of them on the phone and later on told the other one parts of what had happened too. Both noticed my bad mood, obviously, and one of them asked me if there was anything she could do to help. She also asked me if I was eating, since I seemed even paler than usual. It felt nice, knowing that they were there for me, but at the same time I didn't really want them to comfort me, since I only had myself to blame. I mean, yes, part of the problem is that I'm so far away from my baby and that makes things way harder. But the rest of it was my fault, so I don't really deserve to be comforted. Anyways, this one friend said that I normally always have something funny to say and that she felt so bad for me because I didn't seem like myself.

Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've become more open with my feelings and I've started showing them more, mostly to her, but also to my friends. I'm the first person to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is perfectly fine when it's not, because I don't trust people that much and because I don't want people to focus too much on me. When I tell someone about my problems, I will almost always also ask about theirs in the same conversation, because I don't want to feel like I'm just dumping my stuff onto them. That will probably never change, but I'm having less of a problem of being open and honest about my feelings recently. I would say that my decision to not finish university here and to finally take my life into my own hands also had an impact on that, but only partially.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm noticing a number of changes, some of them bad, most of them good, since I've fallen in love and actually had that person return the love. (Well, she was the one who fell in love first, as she likes to point out, but you get what I'm saying...) It is as if I'm more in touch with my feelings again and using my head less to control my heart. What is interesting is that all of these changes and things like me starting therapy and deciding to move to the States for real, me falling in love and going to America on my own to meet her, are happening all at once. It's like all of this is connected and supposed to happen at the same time, since it works together so well.

Whatever the future may bring for me, I know that I can face those challenges with my head held high, because I'm taking my happiness into my own hands and that is something I never thought possible.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Attitude problems

I had an absolutely amazing trip and just loved spending every second of my day with my girlfriend. But, naturally, not all things are perfect, they never are. Last night, we ran into a problem again that we've had encountered during my time there too. I have a bit of an attitude problem, you could also call it a temper. And sometimes, when things are not going my way, I can be rude, as my girlfriend puts it. I'd say I'm just plain mean. Looking at the situation hours or days later, I can see that I was being mean, but when I'm in that place I can't help it.

What's so fucked up about this is that for me, being rude or mean is a sign of weakness and so I don't let most people see that side of me. I'm almost always still polite, even when I'm pissed off. But since I can even cry in front of my girlfriend and not be ashamed/regret it lateron, I can also show her that side of mine. Which is messed up.

Last night, I thought we were going to talk, but she couldn't, for a reason I can now accept. But in that moment, I was so hurt because I had looked forward to talking to her so much, that I took it out on her. Which obviously hurt her. We fought about my behavior and after some time passed, I apologized. I made things worse by trying to rationalize my behavior and now things are rocky, at best. There isn't anything I can do except apologize and tell her that I'm working on my attitude problems, which I am. But I can't promise her that it will never happen again, because sometimes, I can't control myself.

I think one reason why I spend so much time alone is because it takes a lot of energy to always be nice and friendly and polite and to always be there for everyone. I need a lot of time alone to go through all of the feelings I don't let out during the day. When I'm with her, I don't really need that time, because I can show her what I feel. I just need to work on not taking things out on her, even if it might partially be her fault - which yesterday, it wasn't.

All of this is very much fucked up and I would love to take back what I said to her, but I can't and I'm learning that the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to forgive me and not kick me to the curb. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that, knowing that it was all my fault and that I made her break up with me.

AE Hot 100

This Friday, voting for the AfterEllen Hot 100 ended and I managed to still get my nominations in. *YAY*.

Here's my list and last year's list, to compare if you're interested.

My 10 nominees for the AfterEllen Hot 100:
  • Sara Ramirez
  • Angelina Jolie
  • Jennifer Beals
  • Leisha Hailey
  • Bridget McManus
  • Kate Winslet
  • Salma Hayec
  • Scarlett Johansson
  • Pink
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones

This year, there were also three more categories to nominate women in: Women of Color, Out Lesbian/Bi Women and Hot Women over 40. I think it's pretty awesome, because that way you can put your focus on one specific group of women which should be celebrated along with women overall.

Women of Color:

  • Sara Ramirez
  • Jennifer Beals
  • Taraji P. Henson
  • Michelle Obama
  • Rose Rollins
I decided to nominate Sara and Jennifer twice, since they are both definitely among my top 10, no matter what list it is. Other women who didn't make my list: Halle Berry, Vanessa Williams, Jennifer Lopez

Out Lesbian/Bi Women

  • Sarah Warn
  • Rachel Maddow
  • Leisha Hailey
  • Bridget McManus
  • Clea DuVall
Okay, so technically, Clea DuVall isn't out. But frankly, I didn't care, I just wanted to nominate her anyways. Other women who didn't make my list: Liz Feldman, Raimy Rosenduft, Cat Davis

Over 40

  • Kate Walsh
  • Jodie Foster
  • Sela Ward
  • Eva La Rue
  • Diane Lane
In case you don't know her, Eva La Rue plays Natalia Boavista on CSI Miami and damn, she's one good-looking woman! Other women who didn't make my list: Julianna Margulies, Maura Tierney, Meryl Streep, Diane Sawyer, Julianne Moore

I can't wait to see the list and see who's the hottest woman this year. I was very pleased with 2007's winner Leisha Hailey and even though I don't think she's that hot, she's pretty funny and a great actress, so I didn't have anything to complain about 2008's winner Tina Fey.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Perez and Miss California controversy

First off, I have to say that I don't know much about the Miss USA pageant - I guess knowledge from Miss Congeniality doesn't really count - and I don't know how important the pageant actually is. That said, I still have an opinion about what happened during last weekend's event.

I think if you haven't read about that yet, watching Perez Hilton on Larry King will probably give you all the information you need.

I'm surprised by how Miss California answered the question, since her answer was just factually wrong. Americans do not have the right to choose between same-sex and 'opposite' marriage (is that really what it's called??)! There are only four states in which gay marriage is legal, so I wouldn't call that a choice. Four out of fifty. That's 8 percent. Approximately eight percent of the population has a choice, which I guess is about the same percentage of Americans who are queer. That is what really bothers me most, she has her facts wrong. It's not her opinion, it's her facts!

What I like most about this story is that Perez did a great job on Larry King, he seems professional and stands up for his and our rights. Yes, I wish he wouldn't call her any words, but apart from that, he comes across as well-informed and honest about his intentions. He can be really mean on his blog, but with this interview he did catch my attention as someone who deserves respect for how he stands up for the LGBT community.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Back from THE Trip

I've been back from America for a few days now, but still have some trouble really returning. The one word most fitting to describe the trip is: intense. We had so much fun, laughed and cried together, really got to know each other and now it just sucks being so far apart.

I learned quite a number of things about myself on that trip and am still somewhat processing everything that happened. I sleep a lot and try not to be too sad that I'm back here, all alone. I keep thinking about August and all the things that I still have to do before I can leave and go be with my girlfriend again. I can't wait to leave this country, it's hard to believe that I have to go to university for 3 more months here and put my energy into this.

I really don't have anything else to say. I miss her and I miss just being with her, doing the simple things like having dinner or watching tv or shopping for groceries and I can't wait to finally move there and be with her.