Attitude problems

I had an absolutely amazing trip and just loved spending every second of my day with my girlfriend. But, naturally, not all things are perfect, they never are. Last night, we ran into a problem again that we've had encountered during my time there too. I have a bit of an attitude problem, you could also call it a temper. And sometimes, when things are not going my way, I can be rude, as my girlfriend puts it. I'd say I'm just plain mean. Looking at the situation hours or days later, I can see that I was being mean, but when I'm in that place I can't help it.

What's so fucked up about this is that for me, being rude or mean is a sign of weakness and so I don't let most people see that side of me. I'm almost always still polite, even when I'm pissed off. But since I can even cry in front of my girlfriend and not be ashamed/regret it lateron, I can also show her that side of mine. Which is messed up.

Last night, I thought we were going to talk, but she couldn't, for a reason I can now accept. But in that moment, I was so hurt because I had looked forward to talking to her so much, that I took it out on her. Which obviously hurt her. We fought about my behavior and after some time passed, I apologized. I made things worse by trying to rationalize my behavior and now things are rocky, at best. There isn't anything I can do except apologize and tell her that I'm working on my attitude problems, which I am. But I can't promise her that it will never happen again, because sometimes, I can't control myself.

I think one reason why I spend so much time alone is because it takes a lot of energy to always be nice and friendly and polite and to always be there for everyone. I need a lot of time alone to go through all of the feelings I don't let out during the day. When I'm with her, I don't really need that time, because I can show her what I feel. I just need to work on not taking things out on her, even if it might partially be her fault - which yesterday, it wasn't.

All of this is very much fucked up and I would love to take back what I said to her, but I can't and I'm learning that the hard way. I just hope that she will be able to forgive me and not kick me to the curb. I don't know how I would be able to deal with that, knowing that it was all my fault and that I made her break up with me.