Monday, June 29, 2009


I've been obsessing about weight lately. My own weight, other people's weight, comparing the two, whatever you can think of. Luckily, I don't have a scale in my apartment, or I'd probably be weighing myself multiple times a day.

I've always had issues with my weight. I think that my parents did not instill a healthy relationship with my weight in me. I was always supposed to eat more fruit and veggies and exercise more. For the most part because I am naturally not a sports fan and certainly could do way more. I'm in a terrible shape at 21, even though I don't necessarily look that way. I also have medical issues with sugar and should not eat the amount of sweets that I eat. However, sweets have always been a comfort to me and when I'm stressed out, I need the sugar to kick me into full gear. I need the energy from sugar to keep going, because even the healthiest carbs don't cut it.

Lately, I've been trying to not gain weight because I know that the stressful times won't be over for another 2 months at least and I also know that my nutrition will change once I move to the States. I still hadn't lost the weight that I had gained when I graduated from high school and I always feel like I could lose a little weight. I think that's a thought most women probably share. I have a small build, I'm average height but my bones are definitely very slender. My fingers, arms and legs are naturally thin (my girlfriend says I have 'skeleton arms' - I can without difficulty touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist). The only places on my body where fat sits is on my belly and my breasts. I've always had issues with my belly and it was always the one body part that made me feel 'fat'. I try not to use that word and I really don't like it, but that's how I felt and still feel sometimes.

Since I knew that I was going to probably gain weight if I wasn't careful, I tried some reverse psychology on myself - and it actually worked! The way that I can depend on food to soothe me I can also not eat and be proud of myself for not eating. I realize the way I have lost some weight is not the healthiest, by far not, but right now it is the only way I can do it. If I don't lose weight, I will without a doubt gain it.

Numerous people have commented on my weight loss and even though I deny that I have lost weight, it still makes me feel good about myself. I don't even see it that much, the only part where I actually see it are my love handles. So far I have lost about 10 pounds, which really isn't that much, but apparently that already makes a difference. I notice that I can't eat as much at once anymore, because I'm not used to it. Here, in my apartment, where I cook and eat whenever I want to, it's easy to change my diet. At home, I have to eat with my parents at least once a day and even though I skip breakfast because I sleep almost till noon, I can barely eat the portions that my mom puts on my plate. I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can, which is also difficult at home because my mom buys what they like and I'm a picky eater.

A big bowl of watermelon or cucumber is more filling than one might think and since I generally don't cook meat it's really not that difficult to lose weight. I don't need carbs either, I like bread but I can go without noodles, potatoes or rice. I've been really lazy about cooking lately and that certainly also played a part in my weight loss. When you mainly eat fruits, veggies, bread and sweets it's hard to gain weight.

I know that I have to be careful and not overstep the line of obsessing about it too much. I've always said that I could not develop an eating disorder because I love food too much and I still believe that that's true. I'm just surprised by how easy it has been to lose 10 pounds, when I've not weighed that little in at least 3 years.

Taking care of my parents. Or not.

I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.

I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).

My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.

I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?

I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.

I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.

I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.

I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.

Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.

It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.

Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.

[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sensitivity, family and friendship

Danimo left a comment on my previous post about my oversensitivity that got me thinking:

"oh, darling. ♥ i really feel you on this one. *BIG hugs*

i used to be very overly sensitive too in many of the same ways. to this day a quiet remark said in jest can leave me feeling blue for days, and if i'm apart from a loved one (especially the boyfriend) for long periods of time without hearing from them when i expect to, i feel like they aren't thinking about me or somehow don't love me as much.

i'm glad you can admit that sometimes your reactions are a little too sensitive -- not because there's anything inherently wrong with that, but because i can see that you understand that it can be very difficult on a girlfriend to have to constantly quell their significant others' fears, etc. one of my exes was the same way, calling me on average 50-100 times per day and obsessing over remarks i said under my breath; it was just too much to handle.

i'm not sure how but i've become much better, much less overly sensitive, over time. i've become less jealous in general and more confident and all that good stuff, but how exactly i lost my oversensitivity i don't understand with certainty so i can't share the secret with you. :/ i think moving to the states and spending most of your waking hours with the girlfriend should help a great deal. has this happened with previous, more local girlfriends, if there are any to speak of?"

I've never been in a relationship before and I've been thinking about this, but I couldn't come up with a similar situation, or similar behavior on my part. I have been hurt by other peoples' indifference towards me, but it actually takes a lot to hurt my feelings in that way. I'm always more open to talk about my friends' problems and pay more attention to them than the other way around. I have a really good friend, who I would consider to be my best friend here, and we sometimes don't talk for a week. When either we're both busy or one of us is extremely busy, we don't talk on the phone or meet. But after that period we always find a way to get together and talk for a few hours and that week doesn't hurt our friendship at all. We have actually talked about this before, we both know that we're there for each other should there be an emergency but we also both realize that we're busy people with university and it just works. Now obviously, I don't worry about her when I don't hear from her for a few days. I don't think about all the things that could have happened to her (accidents,...). I don't really know why, I do care about her a lot, obviously, but these thoughts just never cross my mind. Maybe it has to do with the fact that we live so closely together or the fact that I don't feel responsible for her well-being.

Writing that down actually feels kind-of weird to me. I'm not really responsible for my girlfriend's well-being, but in a way, I am. It doesn't even really make sense to me, but I feel like I should take care of her. Actually, I want to take care of her. I want to protect her and make sure she's fine and I want to support her in every way, emotionally the most. But doing that from 4,000 miles away is pretty much impossible and it kills me that she has to go through difficult things without me being there. There have been so many times we have talked on the phone during which I just wanted to hug her and take her pain away. That doesn't have much to do with my oversensitivity, though.

The only situation that might be vaguely similar to that one is with my mother. That might sound weird, but as all people with siblings know, when you have siblings there's always rivalry. My feelings do sometimes get hurt, especially because I have a better relationship with my mom than my siblings do and I'm hardly ever the center of attention when we're all together. I am in a way the one who still 'lives at home' the most, since I do spend at least 4 days a month and most of the holidays at home. My sister lives in the same town, but I doubt she visits often and my brother lives even further away than I do now. So whenever I see my parents with another sibling there, attention is on that other sibling and I do sometimes really hate that. Especially since my nephew was born, I hate going to visit him when my sister and my parents are there too. I hardly get the chance to hold him and conversations mostly revolve around topics I don't really have anything to say about. Then there are always the comments about how he 'flirts' with my sister and I just get bored, really. My nephew is really cute, but he is 5 months old and about as active as a 3-months-old baby, because he was so premature. So you really can't play with him that much yet. I don't see my parents that often and when I'm at home we often talk about my parent's work or family or politics. It's just really hard having a conversation with my mother because I'm living my own life now and I don't need her to tell me what to do anymore and I don't want her to tell me what to do either, because I'm doing a great job of taking care of my things. It's just really difficult, all in all. I just don't feel like I fit in, even with my own family that consists of 4 relatives and 2 (almost)siblings-in-law.

I have noticed that whenever I talk/write about these problems that I struggle with, whether here or in other safe places, I seem to be able to cope better. Even though I knew all those things before I wrote them down, writing them down and talking about it seems to help me realize the problem more and seems to help me deal more. In the last three days, I have dealt with no/very little communication with my girlfriend way better than I have in the past. Not only do I not have the need to text her that much, I also don't have those thoughts/feelings of 'Does she think of me? Does she still love me as much?' that much anymore. Yes, I still would like to be able to talk to her more and I still miss her a whole lot and the situation still is very hard, but I seem to be able to cope with it better. I don't really understand why, but I'm glad that it is the way it is. I hope that it's not just an improvement that will already be forgotten again next week and I hope that it's not resignation, but I'm glad that I'm feeling slightly better. Or I should say that I'm feeling slightly less bad.

I realize that all of this might seem a bit random and it doesn't really fit together that well, but it just poured out of me this way and so I'm going to leave it all in one post. The part about my family made me really sad, almost crying sad, but it is the way it is. Maybe I'll write another post about it some day, we'll see.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


I wasn't going to comment on it, but now I'm getting a bit frustrated with people's inability to refer to Chaz Bono as 'he'. From the press statement that he released, I think it is pretty obivous that Chaz identifies as male. Why is that so hard to understand?

Yes, Chasity Bono was born biologically female. But he came to the very personal conclusion that he was male and while he might not haven gotten surgery yet, that has nothing to do with the fact that he identifies as male. I don't know much about transitioning or transgender people in general, but with the little knowledge I have it seems pretty obvious that when someone identifies one way or the other, people should respect that. Yes, Chaz Bono used to be a little, cute blond girl on national TV, but I think we all agree that those days are long over.

*Sigh*. I just wish people would pay more respect to other people's personal choices.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Quote of the Week

"Und dann gibt es noch die "Social-Glue"-Theorie, die besagt, dass Homosexualität Aggressionen hemmt bzw. den Zusammenhalt der Gruppe fördert. Sie gilt als Erklärungsansatz Nummer eins bei Bonobos, Delfinen und Spechten. Im Prinzip würde sie auch für Homo sapiens passen: Zumindest gilt die Schwulenszene als relativ friedlich. Schlägereien dürften eher eine Domäne der Heteros sein."

Aus einem ORF On Science Artikel mit dem Titel 'Warum es schule Tiere gibt'. Der letzte Satz brachte mich echt zum Lachen.

Monday, June 15, 2009

"Mimose, scheißt in die Hose."

Since I was very little, I've always been very sensitive. I cried a lot as a child and was easily upset by other's behavior. Growing up with an older brother, I was forced to learn to not show how he was affecting me. So I started building walls early on and over time I got really good at putting up a facade. Despite all that, I'm still very sensitive, too sensitive even.

I often get upset over other people's inconsideration for my feelings and remarks about how I look, dress or act sometimes haunt me for days. I get very defensive when someone tries to change how I dress because I'm at a point where I am comfortable with my appearance, most of the time at least, and I'm not willing to give that up. I'm not willing to move out of my comfort zone to either adhere to society's ideals or to impress/please other people. I do sometimes put on makeup, but only when I'm in the mood to. Which means that I've gone out to parties or clubs dressed in jeans, a shirt and no makeup on because I just didn't feel like dressing up. I don't care either way if other women dress up, but I feel like I have enough going for me to not need dressing up if I don't feel like it. I don't mind that I blend into crowds and can go unnoticed, because I don't want attention from men anyways and I've been the center of unwanted attention because of how I dress too often - not in a good way.

My appearance and other people judging it is only one thing I'm too sensitive about. My feelings get hurt when my girlfriend doesn't contact me in any way for a whole day. I want to be taken care of and because things have been the way they are - namely, that we are too far apart - the situation has been really hard on me. I haven't been posting much lately because I just didn't feel like communicating. There is only one person I want to talk to and when I can't I don't even want to 'talk to myself', which is how I mostly regard this blog. I am very romantic at my core, even though I will probably deny that in certain situations. I like taking care of my girlfriend, just as I like doing nice things for my friends once in a while. I like to show that I appreciate the people in my life, at least I try to show that. I like sending my girlfriend flowers, just because I know how it will make her feel, I like just randomly buying little things for her to show her that I'm taking care of her, stuff like that.

All the things that I like doing for other people, I naturally also enjoy it when people do things for me. Now the situation is as it is, plus I have a credit card and my girlfriend pretty much is broke all the time and that makes everything even harder. She simply can't afford to do certain things that I can afford. I completely understand that and I don't want her to spend what little money she has on me. But at the same time I still want to be taken care of and paid attention to.

I think it's really hard for me because I will have the worst day and sleep badly when we don't talk in some way or if I wait for her to contact me and she doesn't. She seems to be able to deal with that way better than I do and it just doesn't seem to matter to her as much. We had a conversation about this the other day and she didn't know what I was upset about because it was only ONE day to her when I was completely heartbroken. See what I mean with over-sensitive? I haven't figured out how to deal with this yet. On the one hand, I'm telling myself that it's only two more months, probably less (if I get accepted). Then we will live in the same city or at least very close to each other and we will be able to spend a lot of time together. On the other hand, I have to learn to not have those negative thoughts in my head. I always automatically assume that she's not thinking about me, when I know that she is. But it feels that way to me and that's not fair towards her and just stupid.

I also don't want to ask for her attention. I can clearly remember a story we talked about in my German class. A mother was cooking dinner for her family every night and her kids and husband always just ate it and took it for granted. Until one day she asked them if they enjoyed what she had cooked and they praised her for her cooking skills. The mother should have enjoyed the praise and felt great, but it wasn't the same as if they had just told her without her questions. It shouldn't matter whether someone does/says something nice because you asked them or not, because they still mean it the same way. But it does matter. It matters a great deal. Now there are people like me who are very sensitive when it comes to stuff like that and there are people who will probably never understand what I'm talking about and that's okay. It still doesn't change anything about my feelings.

[My mother used to call me 'her little mimosa' because of my sensitivity. The title says 'Mimosa, poops in the pants', which is something she used to say a lot too. I guess that means that sensitive kids poop in their pants out of fear. Google didn't know it, which surprised me, so I'll have to ask my mom where that saying comes from.]

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Kelly Clarkson speaks to me

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreamin' of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love

I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get on board a fast train
Travel on a jetplane, far away
And breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, gotta
Take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway"

I'm kinda shocked to learn that Avril Lavigne actually co-wrote the lyrics. I love the video and I love the song, because that is exactly how I have felt for a very long time and still feel.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Quote of the Week

One sees well only with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes.

From 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. I absolutely love that quote.

[Yes, I realize I didn't post a quote two weeks in a row. Lets just say my life and my brain are in a bit of chaos right now.]

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Angelina!

Today is the hottest woman on this planet's birthday. To celebrate I thought I'd post some of my favorite pictures of her. I have to say, she's aging well - not that she's actually 'old' yet - but she's getting more beautiful every year.

Angelina and her mom

One of the best Oscar dresses ever

Goofing around with Maddox in Venice

This picture was taken by Annie Leibovitz

With Zahara and Shiloh in New Orleans

Wednesday, June 3, 2009