Weight

I've been obsessing about weight lately. My own weight, other people's weight, comparing the two, whatever you can think of. Luckily, I don't have a scale in my apartment, or I'd probably be weighing myself multiple times a day.

I've always had issues with my weight. I think that my parents did not instill a healthy relationship with my weight in me. I was always supposed to eat more fruit and veggies and exercise more. For the most part because I am naturally not a sports fan and certainly could do way more. I'm in a terrible shape at 21, even though I don't necessarily look that way. I also have medical issues with sugar and should not eat the amount of sweets that I eat. However, sweets have always been a comfort to me and when I'm stressed out, I need the sugar to kick me into full gear. I need the energy from sugar to keep going, because even the healthiest carbs don't cut it.

Lately, I've been trying to not gain weight because I know that the stressful times won't be over for another 2 months at least and I also know that my nutrition will change once I move to the States. I still hadn't lost the weight that I had gained when I graduated from high school and I always feel like I could lose a little weight. I think that's a thought most women probably share. I have a small build, I'm average height but my bones are definitely very slender. My fingers, arms and legs are naturally thin (my girlfriend says I have 'skeleton arms' - I can without difficulty touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist). The only places on my body where fat sits is on my belly and my breasts. I've always had issues with my belly and it was always the one body part that made me feel 'fat'. I try not to use that word and I really don't like it, but that's how I felt and still feel sometimes.

Since I knew that I was going to probably gain weight if I wasn't careful, I tried some reverse psychology on myself - and it actually worked! The way that I can depend on food to soothe me I can also not eat and be proud of myself for not eating. I realize the way I have lost some weight is not the healthiest, by far not, but right now it is the only way I can do it. If I don't lose weight, I will without a doubt gain it.

Numerous people have commented on my weight loss and even though I deny that I have lost weight, it still makes me feel good about myself. I don't even see it that much, the only part where I actually see it are my love handles. So far I have lost about 10 pounds, which really isn't that much, but apparently that already makes a difference. I notice that I can't eat as much at once anymore, because I'm not used to it. Here, in my apartment, where I cook and eat whenever I want to, it's easy to change my diet. At home, I have to eat with my parents at least once a day and even though I skip breakfast because I sleep almost till noon, I can barely eat the portions that my mom puts on my plate. I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can, which is also difficult at home because my mom buys what they like and I'm a picky eater.

A big bowl of watermelon or cucumber is more filling than one might think and since I generally don't cook meat it's really not that difficult to lose weight. I don't need carbs either, I like bread but I can go without noodles, potatoes or rice. I've been really lazy about cooking lately and that certainly also played a part in my weight loss. When you mainly eat fruits, veggies, bread and sweets it's hard to gain weight.

I know that I have to be careful and not overstep the line of obsessing about it too much. I've always said that I could not develop an eating disorder because I love food too much and I still believe that that's true. I'm just surprised by how easy it has been to lose 10 pounds, when I've not weighed that little in at least 3 years.