Friday, July 30, 2010

So much uncertainty

I mentioned in my last post that me and my girlfriend probably had a place to live when we got back to Cali. Now it turns out that we are not going to be living there because they want the co-signer to be present for signing the contract and we don't have a co-signer who would be able to be present. It is really difficult for us to get an apartment because we don't work (yet) and get our support from our parents. It sucks because we did pay rent without a problem for 5 months and still no landlord is willing to give us a chance and prove that we can and will pay.

I understand that landlords want a certain kind of security, but when I think about all the people who work who gamble/are addicts or have other kinds of problems and who don't pay their rent it makes me very mad that nobody is willing to even give us a chance. The only people willing to give us a chance are crooks who just want to rip us off. I really hope that we will find a place soon once we get back, because all this uncertainty is very bad for us - both in our relationship and individually. It adds so much stress and negative energy, because we both know that we have nowhere to go. I don't have any family out there and my girlfriend's family us absolutely unwilling to help us - to the point where they won't even co-sign for an apartment.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Warning: depressed post below

I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I get these phases sometimes, during which I just want to sleep all the time and do nothing and just lay around - almost like little depressed phases. I'm in one of those right now and it sucks, because I have so much stuff to do.

I might have mentioned that I'm taking a math class right now, which relies on self-motivation because it is all online. I'm at a point where I need to know all the stuff I have learned so far to keep going and I'm noticing that the fast pace is making me unsure in certain areas. I have never been great at math and so right now my head is swimming in all the things I've heard/learned before, but never really knew well. So far I've been doing pretty well, but this week I didn't put in enough work and even though the deadline is approaching, I'm still not motivated AT ALL.

On top of that, I'm working all day tomorrow and the day after that. I got a part-time/freelance kind of job doing interviews for a market research company. The job is super-boring, because you do the same interview over and over and over again - seriously, every 30 minutes for 10 hours a day - and they barely pay minimum wage. The only reason I'm even doing it is because I need the money for the apartment in the US. It sucks when you have an associates degree in business and are on your way to getting a second associates degree, yet the only part-time job you seem to get is boring and barely worth it. I don't know how other people work minimum-wage jobs all their lives, but I know I couldn't do that. I need a challenge in my job.

I was doing fairly well up until a few days ago, when all the difficult things from living in the US caught up with me again. We are moving into a new apartment which is super-far away from college and there are a thousand things that still need to be taken care of. I wish that just one part about my life would get a little bit easier, but it doesn't look like it will. Our living situation is difficult, school is awesome because I get to do what I like but at the same time so much work because I'm trying to keep a 4.0, our relationship is not always easy and it seems we never have any money. I don't even want to complain because we are mostly healthy and will hopefully have a place to live and the privilege of going to school, but at the same time I just wish that the basic things in life wouldn't be such a struggle.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Song stuck in my head

For the past day and a half, this song has been stuck in my head. My girlfriend played it for me once after we had had a bad fight and it is a song that means something to us, a song we sometimes play for each other when we can't say sorry well enough on our own.

Great friends = great support

Having seen almost all of my friends by now, and talking to them about some of the difficulties I face in loving a person with a horrible past and emotional problems, I was reminded by how good friends they were. They didn't judge, they didn't tell me to get out of a relationship that was at times difficult and the one thing Ms. K and Ms. L both said was 'As long as you are also looking out for yourself and you're still taking care of yourself,...' It is easy to judge other people. It is easy to think you know better. But both of them, and also my other friends, know that I didn't need/want their judgment. I wanted someone to talk to. And I really cherish the fact that while they had things to say about what we were talking about, it wasn't about how they felt or what they thought I should do. They showed that they cared about me and about my relationship and that while they couldn't really imagine what it was like, they understood me. I was a little afraid that they would judge my girlfriend or tell me to get out of a relationship that is at times difficult, but luckily neither of them did. And I am really thankful for that, because I don't want out of this relationship. At all.

I sometimes compare what is going on with my girlfriend to someone having cancer. It's not their fault they have cancer, but it an extremely difficult and painful thing to live through, not just for the person who is sick, but also for the partner/friends/relatives. Obviously, is someone becomes sick, you don't think about getting out just because it is hard. My girlfriend doesn't have a physical illness, but a mental illness. Yes, it is different in some ways. Yes, sometimes she hurts me because she is sick and can't help it. Does she hurt me on purpose? No! Does she regret hurting my feelings? Yes! Have I hurt her feelings before? Unfortunately yes.

It is always easy for people to judge other people's relationships. But I don't believe that a relationship in which no party has ever hurt the other party exists. My gf has hurt me and made me cry and there were a moment or two in which I had to gather myself and take a break before I could go back and accept her apology. She doesn't hurt me on purpose and when she apologizes, I always know she means it. Most of the time she feels worse about what she did/said than I feel afterwards. I have forgotten most of our fights and even the ones I haven't, I have forgiven. And I have hurt my gf too, I'm far from being a saint! I have said thing that I regretted later on, which I apologized for and made amends. I have knowingly said mean things once or twice, because we were fighting and I was mad. Does that make me a worse person - because I said something just to hurt her? Probably. But it's not really about who is a better person. Because we are both pretty good people. It is about the fact that no matter how hard it is, so far we have always managed to make it work and for the most part, we are both happy.

My gf is a great person, who has lived through horrible things and therefore has unique challenges. And as hard as it is sometimes, it is also totally worth it. Because she loves me and she cares about me and she makes me happy. Even though my friends don't experience that, because they haven't met her yet and probably won't for another two years (except for Ms. L, who might come visit soon!!! *YAY*), they don't criticize us or our relationship and I'm really thankful for it. It gives me strength to have their support.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

When it rains, it pours

And in my and my girlfriend's lives, it seems as if when it doesn't rain, it drips. Constantly. We can't seem to catch a break, at all. Even though I am enjoying my summer and am able to de-stress a little, there are still constantly small things going on that don't allow me to completly de-stress. Trouble with the storage unit we rented over the summer. Worries about the possible new appartment. Money issues. Fights with siblings/parents. Friends bailing out and therefore leaving her with no place to stay for too long. More money issues. Worries about friends who are sick.

Right now, I feel like with all the progress we have made and all the work we put into our relationship, something always happens that makes life in general harder. I'm handeling being away from her fairly well and even though I miss her like crazy, I don't overreact when I don't hear from her for two or three days. We haven't really had a fight yet, which I think is really good and important for both of us. We rely on each other for support and help. All of those things make me proud of our relationship and the fact that even though it sucks that we are so far apart for so long, we deal with it fairly well. At the same time I wish we could just, for once, have it easy for a little while at least. We might both work starting next semester, so things will get super-busy and stressful really fast, and we could just both really use a break.

Lets just hope when I get back and we have two weeks together before school starts, we can use this time to really enjoy each other's company and enjoy our relationship. We both need it.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Back from vacation

I spent the last week and some days on vacation, first with my family, then at my friend's place. The family vacation was okay, but I didn't really get along with my brother and sister so it wasn't that great.

However, I had a blast with my friend, Ms. L. Even though we hadn't been in constant contact over the last year, we re-connected immediately and it was just really nice to talk to someone who knows me as well as she does. We spent the three days together talking, catching up on the details that get lost in the ocean that seperates us, and simply enjoying life. Her time off from school had just started, so we both didn't really want to do anything. We cooked together, walked around town and watched some TV. I really felt how good it was for me to have my friend around and just share some of the things that had been really difficult during the last year. I tend not to talk about difficult things on the phone or through email, for multiple reasons, so it was nice to be able to talk face-to-face. It helped me process some of what had happened during the last year and just made me feel better.

We talked about her visiting me at home for a few days, if her work schedule permits it. I really hope that this will work out, simply because I had such a nice, relaxed time with her.

I also met my friend Ms. K, who I've written about before. All is well between us now and I'm really glad that we met and talked and caught up on all the stuff we missed out on in the last year. Even though now I feel closer to Ms. L, while when I left it was the other way around, things with Ms. K worked out really well too. We spent a nice lunch and afternoon together talking and doing some shopping and she might visit me at home too.

I have three more weeks at home and in a way, I can't wait to go back to the US and to my girlfriend. But, I also want to enjoy my time here and use it to meet friends, spend time with my family and just enjoy life. I have been stressed out for so long it's hard to remember what it feels like to be relaxed, so I want to try and have as much quiet time as possible. Sometimes, I feel a little torn between the social responsibilities and my personal needs, but mostly I'm just not stressing out about stuff anymore. Most things just aren't worth it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

California Girls

Today I heard Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' for the first time, in this awesome video (via @britisshameless)

It made me think of the fact that I am actually by now living my dream. I haven't felt like that for numerous reasons, mainly because I haven't actually achieved that much, I'm still in school and going through major, major changes in my life. But I *am* living in the US and working hard towards my goals - getting a B.A. in Film Production and working as a movie producer. When I think back to how I felt a year ago, uncertain of how things would turn out, I'm really glad how far I got. Yes, I'm still dependant on my parents and there is a very, very long list of things that aren't working out so well yet, but at least I'm not stuck in freaking Austria anymore. And I'm mightly glad about that!