Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Night Off

Two days ago I decided to not go to my 3-hour night class and stay at home instead. It had been an exhausting weekend, studying for a big test and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with breakups. I just needed a break and some time away from my ex, who is taking the same class. So I stayed home with only the slightest guilty conscience.

What did I do with my amazing free time, you ask? Well, for one, I watched an episode of "Supernanny" (current reality-TV-obsession, she's hot!) and took a long, relaxing shower. I did, however, also vacuum, clean the bathroom and do all the dishes. And it felt so good. With everything that has been going on, house work has not been at the top of my list of things to do, but I always get antsy when I don't clean for a while. I can't stand the apartment being dirty. I grew up in a house that was cleaned bottom to top at least once a week and so not vacuuming for more than a week is already horrible for me. I wish I could have just relaxed and sat back for three hours and done absolutely nothing, but at least I had the time to clean. If I hadn't, it would have had to wait til the weekend, and I knew I would be bugged by it all week then. So I stayed home from class to clean up! I'm such a typical college student, living the high life....

Break-up wise, things are going okay-ish. My ex is trying to make things better by saying she will stay with me so that I can be happy, but that really isn't what I want. Sure, I want her to be with me and for us to be happy, but I only want her to be with me because she loves me, is in love with me and actually wants to be with me. I feel like if she keeps trying to stay with me for my sake, I won't get a chance to let go of her, get over her and move on. So right now, I'm trying really hard to not imagine a future in which we are together. Because as much as I want that to happen, it probably won't. Not if she is head over heels in love with somebody else. So that is hard - telling her I don't want to be with her when I do, because she doesn't want to be with me.

I am also ambivalent about how I feel about the woman my ex fell for. She used to be my teacher and now is my ex's teacher. I liked her a lot both as a teacher and a person and I'd love to hang out with her, but I feel like I can't. First of all, she gets along great with my ex and I didn't have that kind of a connection with her. We talked, but we weren't close the way my ex and her are. Also, even though I know it's not her fault at all, I still have some resentment towards her. I don't want to, but I just can't help feel like if she weren't so awesome, my ex wouldn't have fallen for her. It is stupid to feel that way, but I still do sometimes.

So I have a lot to figure out. But, thankfully, I'm still in therapy!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

It's over

Two years. That is how long my first serious relationship lasted. Two years and two months. Plus a few days. So many things to say, I find it hard to even put one thought into words.

I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.

There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."

I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.

Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.

Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.

I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.

A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.