On Tuesday, I am going back to California and I probably won't be coming back home to visit for at least a year, if not longer. I did get a little sentimental thinking about this, because even though I don't want to live here anymore, I still enjoy visiting and being with friends and my parents. Despite some problems and disagreements, I have a really good relationship with my parents. It's not perfect, but there is a lot of love and also mutual respect.
The other thing about leaving home is that I can still be a little bit of a child when I am here. I don't have to worry about cooking lunch or who will wash the dishes or bills or any of these grown-up things. And even though I am very much a grown-up now and take care of all these things, when I am here, I can just shut off a little and relax for a while. I just wish that I could stay here a little bit longer.
Showing posts with label Just some thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just some thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, July 4, 2010
California Girls
Today I heard Katy Perry's 'California Gurls' for the first time, in this awesome video (via @britisshameless)
It made me think of the fact that I am actually by now living my dream. I haven't felt like that for numerous reasons, mainly because I haven't actually achieved that much, I'm still in school and going through major, major changes in my life. But I *am* living in the US and working hard towards my goals - getting a B.A. in Film Production and working as a movie producer. When I think back to how I felt a year ago, uncertain of how things would turn out, I'm really glad how far I got. Yes, I'm still dependant on my parents and there is a very, very long list of things that aren't working out so well yet, but at least I'm not stuck in freaking Austria anymore. And I'm mightly glad about that!
It made me think of the fact that I am actually by now living my dream. I haven't felt like that for numerous reasons, mainly because I haven't actually achieved that much, I'm still in school and going through major, major changes in my life. But I *am* living in the US and working hard towards my goals - getting a B.A. in Film Production and working as a movie producer. When I think back to how I felt a year ago, uncertain of how things would turn out, I'm really glad how far I got. Yes, I'm still dependant on my parents and there is a very, very long list of things that aren't working out so well yet, but at least I'm not stuck in freaking Austria anymore. And I'm mightly glad about that!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Awww, the cuteness!
Bridget posted the link to a GO Magazine article about her and Karman on her facebook, go check it out here. Aren't they just the cutest thing ever? But what really surprised me is that Karman is "already" 41 years old - I would have never guessed her age correctly. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed with age, but I am realizing that I have a really bad sense of what a 40-year-old woman typically looks like. Or maybe it just is because she doesn't seem that 'adult' yet - yes, she has a regular job and everything, but she is also so much fun, and I know that for a fact because I have met her before (Hehehehe!!!). I guess I'm finding out that I just have a wrong image of 40-year-old women, which probably has to do with the fact that there really isn't a 'typical' 40-year-old woman. Anyways, that's just something I'm pondering about.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So much sleep
Last night, after I had written the previous post and cried a little, I went to sleep nap at about 6.30 pm. I woke up at about 5.30 am because my girlfriend was crawling into bed as well. We talked for a while, but fell back asleep at around 7 and finally got up at about 10. That makes around 13 hours of sleep. To say that I was lacking that sleep in the last two weeks is an understatement. You don't just sleep 13 hours just like that. I was mentally exhausted and think I still am a little, but I guess watching 'Precious' today did not necessarily help with that. I'm still here, I'm just not quite there right now. Off to bed now.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I need a holiday!
I wish I could say life is good. Life is busy, that is what it is for me right now. For thanksgiving break, my dad came out to visit. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that we went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, among other places. It was nice to see him, but I did not miss him that much beforehand and would have probably been able to go till June without missing him too much. I skype with my parents on a fairly regular basis, so I don't really miss them all that much. Which I see as a good thing, I am old enough to not emotionally depend on my parents anymore, even when I financially do. And then again, I am most certainly a mommie's girl, so I probably would have enjoyed her visiting more. So I spent part of my vacation with him wishing he hadn't come so that I could have stayed at home, done all of my homework and spent some quality time with my girl.
What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.
My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.
As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.
What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.
My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.
As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Attention whore
I realized something the other day that I wanted to write about. In general terms, I am very much not an attention whore. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like having all eyes on me and I generally feel more comfortable in small groups. BUT, when it comes to certain situations, I crave attention like crazy.
I think one of the reasons I fell for my teacher so hard was that she paid attention to me in a way very few people did. She really listened to what I had to say and didn't just treat me like someone unimportant. When I'm talking to someone, the rudest thing that person can do in my mind is not pay attention to what I'm saying. When I'm spending my time with someone, I expect that person to pay attention to me. I am always more than ready to pay attention and I show interest in things that might not be that interesting to me because that other person finds it interesting. When someone wants to tell me something or talk about something, I am more than willing to listen and engage in a conversation. Concurrently, I expect the same from the other person. I've learned that not all people are as interested in movies and tv-shows as I am and I don't talk about it that much anymore, but at the same time I'm not willing to be friends with or spend my time with people who don't have the courtesy to show interest in what I have to say, about anything, really.
When I'm into someone, I can sometimes take it to extremes. I want that person's attention and I want it all the time. I'm in a really weird situation right now due to the fact that my girlfriend lives 4000 miles away from me and when I know that we won't be able to talk/chat, I can deal with it really well. But when I think that we will talk and for some reason we don't I get so disappointed and I will automatically feel like she's not paying enough attention to me, even though that's not true.
I think one big issue I have is that my sister always took up a lot of attention from my parents and growing up I felt like I had to do something to get my mom's attention. The more I care about a person, the more I will want their attention. I think that's not unusual, that's probably pretty universal, but for someone who has always had a problem with getting people's attention it leads to internal issues that become external without the other person understanding what's going on.
I don't really have a point here. I'm not even sure if what I just wrote makes much sense. It's just something that's going through my head right now. (I've written about something similar here.)
I think one of the reasons I fell for my teacher so hard was that she paid attention to me in a way very few people did. She really listened to what I had to say and didn't just treat me like someone unimportant. When I'm talking to someone, the rudest thing that person can do in my mind is not pay attention to what I'm saying. When I'm spending my time with someone, I expect that person to pay attention to me. I am always more than ready to pay attention and I show interest in things that might not be that interesting to me because that other person finds it interesting. When someone wants to tell me something or talk about something, I am more than willing to listen and engage in a conversation. Concurrently, I expect the same from the other person. I've learned that not all people are as interested in movies and tv-shows as I am and I don't talk about it that much anymore, but at the same time I'm not willing to be friends with or spend my time with people who don't have the courtesy to show interest in what I have to say, about anything, really.
When I'm into someone, I can sometimes take it to extremes. I want that person's attention and I want it all the time. I'm in a really weird situation right now due to the fact that my girlfriend lives 4000 miles away from me and when I know that we won't be able to talk/chat, I can deal with it really well. But when I think that we will talk and for some reason we don't I get so disappointed and I will automatically feel like she's not paying enough attention to me, even though that's not true.
I think one big issue I have is that my sister always took up a lot of attention from my parents and growing up I felt like I had to do something to get my mom's attention. The more I care about a person, the more I will want their attention. I think that's not unusual, that's probably pretty universal, but for someone who has always had a problem with getting people's attention it leads to internal issues that become external without the other person understanding what's going on.
I don't really have a point here. I'm not even sure if what I just wrote makes much sense. It's just something that's going through my head right now. (I've written about something similar here.)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I just couldn't help it....
I got sucked into this whole Twitter thing. There's only so long a girl can resist temptation. So, you can find me @ChrisakaNelfy where I'm still figuring out how all of this works. Oh well, we'll see if I will actually post more than once a month, but I am intrigued by saying interesting stuff in only 140 characters. So, I'll try.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wikipedia is down!!
The end of the world is coming! Wikipedia is down, I don't know how long that has been going on, but Oh. My. God! What will I do? Neither the German nor the English version will load on my computer, while every other page loads without problems. How will I survive? Where will I get my information from? Will I die of intellectual deprivation?
Friday, May 1, 2009
Add Someecards to my internet addictions
Really, I could spend hours browsing through all the ecards on there, they just crack me up. Most of them are pretty much exactly my kind of humor. And yes, I've written about them before, but I just visited the site again after I hadn't been there for a while, so that already warrants a post in my world.
So, so true... *Grins*
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The internet is addictive!
Who knew? Right now I'm being pulled into Twitter, as if blogs, Myspace, Facebook, Livejournal and Youtube weren't enough already. I don't need another internet invention, I don't have the time!
Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...
Any advice? Turning off the computer seems like a very unlikely option...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
"You're kind of pathetic."
I received an interesting comment on my last post. And by interesting, I mean laughable. I shouldn't even give any attention to it, but it made me laugh. Someone, of course not bold enough to leave their name, left the following comment on my last post:
Okay, so first: I'm just kind of pathetic. Well then, I have nothing to worry about. Who cares about kind of pathetic?
Second: No, I don't have a life outside of my homosexuality. Do you have a life outside of your heterosexuality? Because if you do, I'd think you're not as straight as you think you are.
Third: You leave comments on blogs you shouldn't even *want* to read in the first place. Who's the one without a life?
Fourth: Fuck off.
That's all. Have a nice day, whether you're gay or straight!
"You're kind of pathetic. Have you no life outside of
your homosexuality?
Gaygaygaygaygay. Get a life."
Okay, so first: I'm just kind of pathetic. Well then, I have nothing to worry about. Who cares about kind of pathetic?
Second: No, I don't have a life outside of my homosexuality. Do you have a life outside of your heterosexuality? Because if you do, I'd think you're not as straight as you think you are.
Third: You leave comments on blogs you shouldn't even *want* to read in the first place. Who's the one without a life?
Fourth: Fuck off.
That's all. Have a nice day, whether you're gay or straight!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Unplugged - Berlin edition
In about half an hour, I'll be leaving for Berlin. With the two friends who I felt didn't care about me. We talked a few days before Christmas and I told them what I felt like and they admitted that they didn't really have enough time. I didn't get a real apology, which bugged me a bit, but at least they were able to see my side of the friendship struggle that I've been going through. For them, the fact that we weren't talking often (more like every 2-3 weeks) did not mean that we weren't as good friends anymore and they didn't think that I would have trust issues just because of that. Well, I do, that's just how I am and has a lot to do with my past experiences with friendships. So we are going to use this trip as a way to reconnect and I think that I'll have fun.
I haven't really been posting much in the last few days, mainly because of the holidays and because I was constantly on the phone with this one very special person in my life. I know that I'll miss hearing her voice for 4-5 days, but I'll survive. It's my own damn fault, so I have to suck it up and try to still have fun even though I'll miss her.
I don't have any posts written/scheduled, so I'll probably update either on the 2nd or the 3rd of January again. Expect lots of pictures of Berlin and New Year's Eve.
I wish you guys a Happy New Year and we'll 'see' each other in 2009!
I haven't really been posting much in the last few days, mainly because of the holidays and because I was constantly on the phone with this one very special person in my life. I know that I'll miss hearing her voice for 4-5 days, but I'll survive. It's my own damn fault, so I have to suck it up and try to still have fun even though I'll miss her.
I don't have any posts written/scheduled, so I'll probably update either on the 2nd or the 3rd of January again. Expect lots of pictures of Berlin and New Year's Eve.
I wish you guys a Happy New Year and we'll 'see' each other in 2009!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I have nothing to say
In the last few days, I've been in a very strange/mute mood. I don't really know why. I guess it partly has to do with the fact that it hit me full force that the girl I really, really like a whole lot lives so far away that I won't be able to even 'sort of' celebrate Christmas with her. I would love to watch her unwrap the present to see her reaction. Or just look into her eyes and tell her how I feel about her. That alone would make me feel better. Or it might not. It might just make me miss her even more. *Le sigh*
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Shopping with my mom
Sunday Night
Her: Do you want to go shopping tomorrow?
Me: Yeah, but I want to look for stuff on my own. You won't be attached to my hip all the time, will you?
Her: No, that's fine, I'll need about 2 hours.
Me: Okay, that's enough time for me to find something.
Monday afternoon
Her: Can you help me chose something for dad?
Me: [Sigh, rolls eyes] Yeah.
After we bought something for him, I wanted to check whether they still had a certain jacket in this one store, they didn't. I didn't even really want to buy one, but apparently I had to try on jackets in two different stores until she believed me that I didn't even really want one.
Her: Can you help me buy the things for your sister?
Me: [Double sigh] Yes.
We end up buying nothing for her because they didn't have the game she wanted and my mom wants to buy the other stuff at another store.
Me: Can I go look for presents on my own now?
Her: Yes, I'll go to the supermarket. Do you want me to buy chocolates for the christmas tree?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Then you'll have to join me, I don't know which ones you want.
We've been buying the same kind since I can remember. So, as you can imagine, I was completely unable to even *look* for anything on my own. I think that she probably wanted to know what I would buy for whom, because she's so curious it physically hurts her not to know something.
The next day I spent three hours looking at presents with a friend of mine and I still haven't bought anything, because I just can't decide. So it's shopping hell again tomorrow for me. Wish me luck!
Her: Do you want to go shopping tomorrow?
Me: Yeah, but I want to look for stuff on my own. You won't be attached to my hip all the time, will you?
Her: No, that's fine, I'll need about 2 hours.
Me: Okay, that's enough time for me to find something.
Monday afternoon
Her: Can you help me chose something for dad?
Me: [Sigh, rolls eyes] Yeah.
After we bought something for him, I wanted to check whether they still had a certain jacket in this one store, they didn't. I didn't even really want to buy one, but apparently I had to try on jackets in two different stores until she believed me that I didn't even really want one.
Her: Can you help me buy the things for your sister?
Me: [Double sigh] Yes.
We end up buying nothing for her because they didn't have the game she wanted and my mom wants to buy the other stuff at another store.
Me: Can I go look for presents on my own now?
Her: Yes, I'll go to the supermarket. Do you want me to buy chocolates for the christmas tree?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Then you'll have to join me, I don't know which ones you want.
We've been buying the same kind since I can remember. So, as you can imagine, I was completely unable to even *look* for anything on my own. I think that she probably wanted to know what I would buy for whom, because she's so curious it physically hurts her not to know something.
The next day I spent three hours looking at presents with a friend of mine and I still haven't bought anything, because I just can't decide. So it's shopping hell again tomorrow for me. Wish me luck!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Search Engine fun
I had a great laugh a while ago when I checked my blog stats. Someone landed on my blog by searching for 'Rachael Ray femslash'. Sorry to disappoint, but I've never written a Rachael Ray femslash story. Interesting idea though.
To the person who wanted to know 'Is Brooke Smith gay IRL?'. Well, no. But hey, she's very gay-friendly, so we can live with that, right? And look at her and her husband, don't they look cute and happy together?
To the person who wanted to know 'Is Brooke Smith gay IRL?'. Well, no. But hey, she's very gay-friendly, so we can live with that, right? And look at her and her husband, don't they look cute and happy together?
Okay, I'll admit that this post is sort of just an excuse to post the absolutely beautiful pictures of Brooke at the Milk premiere. If you tell me you mind, then you're clearly lying!
Source: Grey's Gabble board via LJ-community
Monday, November 17, 2008
I spend way too much time on YouTube
So I thought I'd share the pleasure:
Just in case you missed it - Melissa and Tammy Lynn were on Oprah this week! I'm still a bit puzzled or bewildered by how much Tammy Lynn reminds me of Miss J (remember, Salzburg?). They don't even look that much alike, but their gestures and mimics are so similar! I guess it really surprised me the first time I saw the video.
How cool is Rachel Maddow?
I don't even want to post this, but in order to be able to comment on it, I have to.
Why is this so difficult to understand? What is the big riddle? Thomas was born female, but always felt male. He transitioned, but kept his reproductive organs to be able to have children. Seems pretty simple to me. I can't believe the fuss they make about the baby, Susan will know that her father carried her but to her, it will be the most natural thing in the world. Kids don't think like adults do, they don't think that something is wrong/weird/strange until someone tells them that it is wrong/weird/strange. I think that Susan might feel a bit alone in the world when she gets older and begins to understand why her situation is different, but if her environment is loving than I doubt that it will have such an impact on her. People should really get over themselves and stop thinking in such rigid categories.
Last but not least - Wanda Sykes officially came out!! *YAY*
Just in case you missed it - Melissa and Tammy Lynn were on Oprah this week! I'm still a bit puzzled or bewildered by how much Tammy Lynn reminds me of Miss J (remember, Salzburg?). They don't even look that much alike, but their gestures and mimics are so similar! I guess it really surprised me the first time I saw the video.
How cool is Rachel Maddow?
I don't even want to post this, but in order to be able to comment on it, I have to.
Why is this so difficult to understand? What is the big riddle? Thomas was born female, but always felt male. He transitioned, but kept his reproductive organs to be able to have children. Seems pretty simple to me. I can't believe the fuss they make about the baby, Susan will know that her father carried her but to her, it will be the most natural thing in the world. Kids don't think like adults do, they don't think that something is wrong/weird/strange until someone tells them that it is wrong/weird/strange. I think that Susan might feel a bit alone in the world when she gets older and begins to understand why her situation is different, but if her environment is loving than I doubt that it will have such an impact on her. People should really get over themselves and stop thinking in such rigid categories.
Last but not least - Wanda Sykes officially came out!! *YAY*
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Remember that Weekend Crush?
The one from a month ago? I'd like to add a picture to that post, it was taken very recently so I couldn't have had it back then, but I think I should post it now.
Picture @ Die Presse
Some people make looking good seem so easy.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Stuff I love
Totally random and in no particular order. Not complete.
- Taking long, scalding showers, then opening the window and letting the night air cool me down again.
- Chocolate
- Sara Ramirez
- Brooke Smith
- Watching blooper reels.
- Endless amounts of Callica fanfiction with loads of smut.
- Feminists
- My gay friend who organizes the local LGBT-teen meetings
- Wikipedia, Youtube & Urban Dictionary
- Fans who are as obsessed as I am
- Beautiful fanart
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Some days you just want to cry
But you want to go out and have drinks with your friends. So you pretend that you're good. Great, actually. And smile. And hope that nobody sees through the masquerade. Or that they don't care enough to call you on your shit. Because if they did, you'd probably cry. And you don't cry. You just don't.
So I'm going to smile and drink and get it over with. Hopefully without tears.
Update: Just came back, without having shedded any tears. We didn't talk about the one topic that would have brought tears and skirted along the second. I'm better now.
So I'm going to smile and drink and get it over with. Hopefully without tears.
Update: Just came back, without having shedded any tears. We didn't talk about the one topic that would have brought tears and skirted along the second. I'm better now.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Spoilerfree and patriotic
I'm staying away from all Grey's Anatomy spoilers right now. I want to see how it affects my viewing pleasure when I haven't seen any spoilers beforehand. When there are only 3 Callica scenes and I've already seen the longest one in a sneak peak, the episodes get even less interesting, Callica-wise seen. So, I'm doing my best to kill my curiosity and stay away from all sneak peeks.
I would say that I'm not a patriotic person, I'm not proud of my country. I see its flaws and problems and my dream is to get out of here soon. I feel like the traditions, the people and their narrow-mindedness is suffocating me. But, sometimes I hear/read/see something about Austria in the international media and I have to smile.
If there's one thing we Austrian's are good at it is skiing! Skiing in Austria seems to be pretty amazing as well, we do have beautiful mountains and tourists from all over Europe and even Asia - I'm looking at you, Russia - spend their winter vacations in Austria every year. So, go Austria!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
