Saturday, October 18, 2008

Some days you just want to cry

But you want to go out and have drinks with your friends. So you pretend that you're good. Great, actually. And smile. And hope that nobody sees through the masquerade. Or that they don't care enough to call you on your shit. Because if they did, you'd probably cry. And you don't cry. You just don't.

So I'm going to smile and drink and get it over with. Hopefully without tears.

Update: Just came back, without having shedded any tears. We didn't talk about the one topic that would have brought tears and skirted along the second. I'm better now.


lara said...

i know exactly what you feel!
Keep your head up, but sometimes just cry!

noora said...

hmm.. stay strong. and yeah, sometimes a cry would help. but otherwise, u can get through this. :) its tough but.. we don't have much choice, but just to be strong and .. putting on a false front. whether can we hold it for the long run or not.. we don't know.
dont drink too much now! ;)

V. (anthema) said...

Hmmm... I think I speak from experience when I say that bottling all kinds of shit up is _not healthy. Sure, there are times when you need distraction - unless you want your head to feel as though it's going to explode - but seriously, maybe you could try to meet a good friend in private and tell them you need their help because you need to get something off your chest really badly. If you think they're not the best listeners/they won't understand/are involved in the issue that's bothering you, try to think of other people you could talk to. Sometimes it helps to speak with someone who is neutral (not involved) as those people can offer more objective and thus helpful advice. If you feel you cannot possibly go on like this because everything is crushing you more and more, then seek help from a counselor. Mulling things over and over in your head is a real waste of time and won't really reduce the pain. I had to learn that the hard way.

Alright, I'll step off the soapbox now. Hope I didn't sound too bossy - but what you said sounded familiar, so I thought I'd drop my two cents.

Good luck!

Nelfy said...

I'm aware of the fact that bottling stuff up isn't going to help, but I can't talk about something when I feel like I'm going to cry. That's just too much to take, I'm not strong enough for that.

I have talked about parts of my issues with some people but there isn't any solution. I have certain goals in my life and to reach those goals I have to do things that I don't enjoy doing right now, but I don't really have a choice. I think everybody goes through hard times and learning to fight for something that's important to me probably wouldn't be amiss.

I've thought about getting professional help but there are a few reasons why I can't do that right now (mainly because if I do, my parents will find out). If I feel like I can't go on like this anymore I will get help.

Thanks for your comments and input, I definitely appreciate it!

v. said...

I just remembered something -
Actually, I'm not sure if this is the case outside Germany, but here we have five probatory sessions with a therapist/counselor before the actual therapy begins, and it's free if you have health insurance. I know you won't get all that much out of five sessions, but they can give you a general direction so that you get an idea of how you can improve your situation without being too hard on yourself.
You can also check with your university if they offer counseling. At my university, it seems to be free (even if your issues are not study-related), so if you don't want your parents to find out about it, you could go there and ask before you decide on anything.

Take care.