Vulnerability

I haven't been able to talk to my girlfriend yet, unfortunately, but we texted and she's not going to kick me to the curb in the near future. We are going to talk about what happened and I'll probably apologize five more times, since I feel so bad that I can't stop myself from apologizing over and over again, even when she tells me to stop.

I had class today, with the two closest friends I have apart from my girl, and naturally I wasn't in the best mood. Normally, when I'm not in a good mood, I'll cover it up and still smile and make jokes, but today, I just couldn't. I'd already talked to one of them on the phone and later on told the other one parts of what had happened too. Both noticed my bad mood, obviously, and one of them asked me if there was anything she could do to help. She also asked me if I was eating, since I seemed even paler than usual. It felt nice, knowing that they were there for me, but at the same time I didn't really want them to comfort me, since I only had myself to blame. I mean, yes, part of the problem is that I'm so far away from my baby and that makes things way harder. But the rest of it was my fault, so I don't really deserve to be comforted. Anyways, this one friend said that I normally always have something funny to say and that she felt so bad for me because I didn't seem like myself.

Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've become more open with my feelings and I've started showing them more, mostly to her, but also to my friends. I'm the first person to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is perfectly fine when it's not, because I don't trust people that much and because I don't want people to focus too much on me. When I tell someone about my problems, I will almost always also ask about theirs in the same conversation, because I don't want to feel like I'm just dumping my stuff onto them. That will probably never change, but I'm having less of a problem of being open and honest about my feelings recently. I would say that my decision to not finish university here and to finally take my life into my own hands also had an impact on that, but only partially.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm noticing a number of changes, some of them bad, most of them good, since I've fallen in love and actually had that person return the love. (Well, she was the one who fell in love first, as she likes to point out, but you get what I'm saying...) It is as if I'm more in touch with my feelings again and using my head less to control my heart. What is interesting is that all of these changes and things like me starting therapy and deciding to move to the States for real, me falling in love and going to America on my own to meet her, are happening all at once. It's like all of this is connected and supposed to happen at the same time, since it works together so well.

Whatever the future may bring for me, I know that I can face those challenges with my head held high, because I'm taking my happiness into my own hands and that is something I never thought possible.