Sandra Bullock's big surprise

Apparently, some people in Hollywood do have the ability to keep a secret. As People Magazine revealed today, Sandra Bullock adopted a new-born baby from Louisiana about three months ago. Look how cute!!


Aaawwwww. She looks really happy!! I hope she can leave the pain of the last months behind and enjoy life as a newly single mother. She has parenting experience from being a mother to Jesse's three children and I am sure she will make a great mother for little Luis. I only feel sad for Jesse's children - even though Sandra said she wants to stay a part of their lives, their lives have still fundamentally changed.

Honesty and Guilt

The girlfriend and I had a bad Sunday, mostly filled with fights about homework, housework and going to bed at a decent time. I didn't quite understand what was going on and why she was procrastinating all day, but it drove me up a wall a little. Okay, quite a lot. I wanted her to do the dishes or at least clean the bathroom counter/sink, but she wouldn't do it. I offered help, tried asking nicely, got mad, but nothing made her budge.

After having a fight about it Monday morning and another one Tuesday morning, she finally told me that she had been having a really bad day with her issues, mainly the depression, but that she didn't want to tell me because she already puts so many of her issues on me. I told her that it was way easier for me to deal with her issues if I knew what was going on, because I honestly thought that she was fine. She told me that she is never fine, which I sometimes forget because she has her good days, or because she can keep her bad days secret from me well enough.

We had a talk about it and I understand why she doesn't always want to tell me about her feelings. She feels guilty because I take care of her and because she "puts so much on [my] plate", and then the guilt makes her feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle that I haven't figured out how to break yet. In her mind, I should be with someone "better", who can take care of me - which she does, she took care of me really well when I was sick last week - and who doesn't need the support that she needs. I tried to explain to her that if she had cancer, I wouldn't leave her either, just because that is hard to go through. She has an illness and it is hard every single day, I won't lie, but it's not her fault.

I make the conscious decision to be there for her and support her the best I can, even though I clearly fail some days. While I didn't know how bad some of her issues were when we started dating, I have since not changed my mind about her being the one for me. Yes, it is hard, but I love her and I want to be there for her so it can get easier. Not to sound full of myself, but I do think that without me, it would be even harder for her to get better. She thinks I "deserve" someone better, but I think she deserves better. The people in her life, the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, have so far done very little for her and continuously keep hurting her by being irresponsible, mean, absent and all kinds of other things. And while she thinks I will eventually end up hating her because of her issues, it is truly the people who have caused her issues that I hate. I just wish I could erase her guilt and make her understand that I love her, no matter what issues her past bring up.

A summer apart

On friday, both my girlfriend and I had somewhat of a meltdown. This summer, I'm going home to see my family and friends and I will be gone for exactly two months. Since the first months of our relationship were spent apart and since we are a bit co-dependent, we really don't look forward to spending two months separated.

Now don't get me wrong, I look forward to seeing my friends and family and I really can't wait to spend some time with my nephew. I'd just rather either have her by my side or not be apart for that long. Since my mom is going to be working for the first month I'll spend at home and since I plan on going to visit friends in the town I used to study in and other places, I will actually be quite busy. Especially since I'm also taking an online math class, which is 5 units, and therefore almost fulfils the 6 unit requirement of being a full-time student. So I will be more than busy. But, I know I will still miss my girlfriend terribly.

She will probably miss me even more, because she won't be as busy as I will and she will probably spend most of her summer living with the family she used to babysit for. She knows those people fairly well, but it's not really the same as staying with family, not that staying with family in her case would be that great. She will get to see her sister, with whom she is close, but she won't be going on 'vacation' the way I will. We both have already cried about spending our summer apart and on Friday we had a real meltdown about it. It sucks, because even though we do spend essentially all of our time together, most of it is spent with doing schoolwork, cleaning, cooking and other chores. We don't have a lot of quality time together, and when we do often we are working through issues and things like that. We both just rather spend the summer really enjoying each other's company, since we have not been able to really do that over a longer period of time since we started dating.

A fellow blogger, Maria, is going through something similar and is waaaay better at expressing the sentiments, so please go read her story here and here. See, the things is, as much as I love my family and parents, I would rather stay here with my girlfriend. Especially because I know that I will be going back to Austria for Christmas already again and that my girlfriend can't come with me, like we had originally planned. And even though I used to love being alone and having no responsiblities towards other people, now I don't want to give up the right to care for my love for two whole months. It just seems too long.

United States of Tara

Today, episode 5 of the second season of United States of Tara aired on Showtime. I don't have Showtime, so I didn't see it, but I did watch episodes 3 and 4 today, since I am sick. I am so excited for that show to finally be back! I absolutely loved the first season, the writing is amazing, Toni Collette is amazing and the rest of the cast is pretty dang good too!

In case you have never seen the show, it basically revolves around Tara, a mother of two and artist, who has dissociative identity disorder. DID is the new term for split personalities, which Tara has 4 of in season one. There is Tara, the mother and 'main' personality; Alice, the 1950s housewife; T, the 16-year-old rebellious teenager and Buck, the guy (!!). Yes, one of her alters thinks he's a guy. Last year at the Emmy and the Golden Globe Awards, Toni Collette won Best Actress awards for her portrayal of Tara and her alters. She really deserved those awards, because she plays each of those alters so distinctively that even with just looking at her face you can see which alter is in control at a given point in time.

But it's not just Toni Collette who does an outstanding job, even though she certainly stands out. All of the main characters are played by great actors, I mostly adore Rosemarie DeWitt as Tara's sister Charmaine and Brie Larson as Tara's daughter Kate. I love how Charmaine is secretly jealous of Tara's disorder, because she always gets all the attention. Kate's outfits basically rock completely, even though I don't always like them, but they are just so unique and so Kate, I love it!

The writing is really good and it has a lot to do with Diablo Cody's creative talent. Obviously, 'Juno' was no one-hit wonder and her Best Screenplay Oscar well deserved. The storylines are all fascinating and as a whole the show seems very realistic. There are no plot points whose only purpose seems to be to create drama, because the alters and the family's life already is dramatic enough.

I just really love everything about this show and I can't wait to watch the next episode!

[I might start writing weekly recaps of USoT, but I don't want to give anything away in case my 5 readers aren't watching the show. So let me know whether you would like to read recaps or not. I'll put spoiler warnings up in any case, if I do decide to recap the show.]

'Parenthood' tackles syndromes and disobedient teenagers

[This is another review I wrote for the student newspaper. I'm not that happy about how it turned out, but oh well.]


Before NBC's "Parenthood" had even aired, the usual teasers and promos gave viewers a good idea of what to expect. In one of these teasers, daughter Amber, brilliantly played by Mae Whitman, says about her mother Sarah - right to her face, nonetheless - "Her bark is worse than her bite." Next thing we know, Sarah is lunging at her teen-aged daughter, and then dragging her off to Berkeley.

Lauren Graham, well known from her previous turn as a single mother on "Gilmore Girls," replaced Maura Tierney, who had to drop out due to health issues. Even though this involuntary casting change delayed the show's airdate from fall 2009 to spring, it seems to have worked out to the show's advantage. Having seen Tierney on "ER" as Nurse Abby and Graham as Lorelai Gilmore, Graham seems more suited for the likable role of mother of two who is forced to move back in with her parents.

At age 38, Sarah Braverman is divorced, unemployed and out of money, so she moves her family back home to Berkeley and, therefore, back into her family's daily lives. Being the oldest sister certainly doesn't help with her feelings of failure, but she does the best she can to provide a stable home for her two children, Amber and Drew. Viewers can easily relate to Sarah and her struggles, having to take care of two typical teenagers without any support from her drug addict ex-husband. Living with her parents makes her life even harder, as she has little space and uncovers her parents' problems without even trying to.

The most unique storyline features 8-year-old Max, son of oldest Braverman sibling Adam and wife Kristina. Adam was the perfect son, as he played sports and let his father turn him into "a tough guy." Max is very different, a sweet, but quiet and withdrawn child. Not only does he refuse to go to his baseball game - until his father bribes him with ice cream - he also frequently has problems at school. Even his classmates notice how different he is, and tease him, as kids do. Regular trips to the principal's office make his parents' lives hard, but his certainly harder. His reclusive behavior leads his parents to the conclusion that Max might suffer from Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism. Because this disorder is hard to diagnose and very rare, Adam tries to tell himself that his son is just different.

So far this storyline has been the most intriguing and has been handled surprisingly well thought-out by the creators of the show. Max Burkholder, who portrays his character with the same first name, does a fantastic job at playing this difficult part. At 12 years old, he doesn't look any older than his role, but he brings the experience and certainly the talent to show Max as the three-dimensional fictional person he is.

"Parenthood" started off strong, with a very well-made pilot, which is rare in TV. The show revolves around the Braverman clan and their lives, specifically the trials and tribulations of parenthood, both for the grandparents - Zeek and Camille - as well as the parents - Adam, Sarah, Julia and Crosby. The characters are relatable three-dimensional people who make watchers care, almost as if it were their own family. The show trumps with great acting and has many household names attached to it, such as Peter Krause ("Six Feet Under" and "Dirty Sexy Money"), Monica Potter ("Boston Legal"), Dax Shepard ("Baby Mama" and "Old Dogs") and Mae Whitman ("Hope Floats" and "Arrested Development"). Even though the show has its laugh-out-loud moments, it does offer a reflection of life in its seriousness. "Parenthood," early into its run, has found the perfect mixture between drama and comedy.

"Parenthood" airs on NBC, Tuesdays at 8 p.m. If you missed the first episodes, you still have time to catch up. Watch "Parenthood" online at www.nbc.com or www.hulu.com and become part of the Braverman family.

Why you shouldn't mix work and romance

Or in this case, homework and romance. My girlfriend and I are taking two classes together, one of them history. We are supposed to work on a project, in which we have to write a paper and present it in class. We have known about that for about 2 months now and as you can probably guess, have not really done that much work yet. It partially has to do with the fact that my girlfriend keeps telling me that she has so much other stuff to do, for other classes. It drives me up a wall. I want to just sit down and do the project, and she keeps pushing it back and back. She doesn't want to do it by herself, which is an option, but she also doesn't want to do it in my time frame - and that time frame is pretty big!! I don't even know how often we have fought about this stupid project so far, but definitely too many times.

This is a perfect example of one big difference between her and me: she likes to do everything last minutes, as she needs the pressure to get motivated. I prefer doing projects earlier rather than later, because in my opinion, it is the one thing in school I have complete and total control over. I would not accept anything other than an A from myself when it comes to projects, because you get to choose the topic (most of the time), have enough time to prepare it and there is relatively little stress involved. With a test, you never exactly know what the questions will be or sometimes you have a blackout (happened to me yesterday, but I was able to get my brain to work again, thankfully). With a project, you're in control. So if you don't get a good grade, you probably didn't put enough work in. Which is ok, if you don't care.

So anyways, I will write what I want to write about this weekend and then we'll see if we will do our projects separately or together. I just want this whole thing to be over with. We really have enough other problems...

Dancing with the Stars fever

I started watching Dancing with the Stars this season, for two reasons. One, it's hard to watch the show when you aren't in America and have to rely on bad-quality Youtube uploads. And two, I absolutely adore Shannen Doherty and really miss her being on my screen. I was also curious to see how Kate Gosselin, who I admire for her strength, and Pamela Anderson would do.

As you can imagine, I was really disappointed to see Shannen Doherty get eliminated so early. I thought that she did a great job at both dances and I really liked how her cute, awesome personality shone through. And those cheeks! I love those cheeks!

Pamela Anderson really impressed me, because she works hard and does well. I thought the white dress she wore in week 3 was very beautiful and I think she might actually get fairly far if she keeps her performances up.

What I don't quite understand is all the Kate Haters that are out there. I get if you don't care about reality shows and don't think it's that special to have 8 kids, but that doesn't mean you hate her. To me, she is making 200,000 dollars in at the most probably two months, depending on when she gets eliminated. If you even that out over a year's worth of income, she would have to earn a little under 20,000 dollars A MONTH to earn that kind of money. As a nurse, that might be what she earns in A YEAR, but certainly not a month. So if I were in her shoes and I knew that this job would mean that my children would be taken care of financially for at least a year, I would accept not seeing them for 4 days a week too. She gets to see them all week long when she's not working, and if she were a nurse she'd be away from them for 8 or 9 hours a day as well. Calling her a bad mother because she took a job that paid extremely well means that you just don't understand the fact that she cannot work a normal job. First of all, she is too famous by now. And second of all, she's a single mother with 8 kids - do you really think a nurse's salary would pay to feed all of them? I was really hoping she would get better and improve, because she really has it hard. She's not a performer or athlete, so she really has a no advantage whatsoever compared to the other stars on the show. Given that, I think she is doing well and I really liked the fact that this week, she finally looked like she knew the choreography and like she was actually dancing. So I'm rooting for her!

Therapeutic Blogging

I want to get back into the habit of blogging for a certain reason. Even though I'm so busy with life, I need an outlet and since I already have this blog, I will use it. I haven't quite figured out exactly how much of my daily life and struggles I want to tell, because I don't want to dishonor (I looked for the right word, but really, could not find it. aarrrggg) on my girlfriend's privacy. But I guess we'll figure it out as we go along.

Being in a funk

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen the following tweets on your feed:

I gained so much f*cking weight in the last two months, none of my skirts fit anymore. Not a single one! Aaaagghh... I will stop eating now

Thinking about @UhHuhHerMusic 's Leisha Hailey' and Alice's obvious superiority makes me sad. Only thing I've going for myself in comparison?

My boobs are nicer. I'm 16 years younger, so obviously that will change too, probs sooner than 16 years. Very depressing thoughts... If I

didn't look up to Alice so much, might not be quite as bad. And yes, I know she's a fictional character, but Leisha still f*cking rocks!

A couple of things happened today that made my self-esteem sink to a new low. First of all, the weight issue. I've blogged about weight before, because it is something that is often in the back of my mind. Today, I took out my summer skirts and tried them all on. None of them fit. Not a single one. I knew that I had gained weight because my pants were fairly tight, but I hadn't realized that it was so bad. One skirt I was particularly upset about because I only just bought it last summer and hadn't worn it very often. Yes, when I bought it it was tight, but I figured it would be a good motivation to stay at my weight at that time, because I really love that skirt. Guess eating my stress doesn't exactly help with that, does it?

There is so much going on in my life right now and my life pretty much revolves around my girlfriend and school. I haven't made any real friends here yet and I'm having a hard time staying in touch with my friends in Austria. I don't want to/can't tell them about all the bad stuff that is going on here, because I don't want them to think I'm unhappy about my decision to move here - I am really not. I also don't want them to think I'm unhappy in my relationship or that they get a wrong picture of my girlfriend.

The thing is, she is depressed, has anxiety issues and very likely posttraumatic stress disorder. She is starting to heal, but it is a long process and we are just at the beginning of it. We both know that everything that is going on with her is taking a toll on me and it makes her feel even worse. I love her and don't want to be without her and I want to help her get better, but there is only so much I can do. And I'm not going to lie and say everything is great, because it is hard. Really, really hard. Will I give up on our relationship because it is hard? No. Does that make it any easier? Again, no.

With all of that going on, and the fact that I gained all that weight I was already not feeling great tonight. Then, I was finally wearing something I liked and I thought I looked hot, so I asked my girlfriend to take a few pictures. She's a pretty good photographer and knows how to handle a camera, but she's no miracle worker. The pictures didn't turn out great, because I can't pose or make my face look less stupid, so that just added on to my general mood and now I'm just in a real funk.

Oscar winners

Yeah, the Oscars were a while back, but I hadn't gotten around to commenting on them yet. Sorry.

I was really please with the result, even though I have to admit that I haven't seen 'The Hurt Locker' yet. I just didn't have time with school and everything, but I have hope I might still catch it in theatres.

Kathryn Bigelow - I did see 'Point Break' and her directing definitely is very good. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the director's work when I watch a movie, because it is the one thing that is really hard to put your finger one. You can see the actors, their costumes and make-up, the sets, all of those things. With directors, it is hard to see their style if you have only seen one of their movies. But I am just really happy that finally - FINALLY - a woman has won the Best Director Academy Award. It has been long overdue!

I absolutely adore Sandra Bullock. But it's not just that she is absolutely lovely, she is also a great actress. 'The Blind Side' really showed that side of her and to me, she really deserved this award.

Mo'Nique - If you have seen the film, then you will know just as I do that this win was so well deserved.

And then I was really excited about the well-deserved Oscar win by fellow Austrian Christoph Waltz!

Awww, the cuteness!

Bridget posted the link to a GO Magazine article about her and Karman on her facebook, go check it out here. Aren't they just the cutest thing ever? But what really surprised me is that Karman is "already" 41 years old - I would have never guessed her age correctly. Now, I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed with age, but I am realizing that I have a really bad sense of what a 40-year-old woman typically looks like. Or maybe it just is because she doesn't seem that 'adult' yet - yes, she has a regular job and everything, but she is also so much fun, and I know that for a fact because I have met her before (Hehehehe!!!). I guess I'm finding out that I just have a wrong image of 40-year-old women, which probably has to do with the fact that there really isn't a 'typical' 40-year-old woman. Anyways, that's just something I'm pondering about.

Looking good at 45!

Sandra Bullock was born on July 26th, 1964. I don't want to harp on her age, but she is 45 years old. She barely looks 40, if you ask me, and damn, she looks like a very good-looking, beautiful 40-year-old. But it's not just her looks, Sandra has this charm, this energy, which is just so vibrant and appealing, not just to me. Last year was a year which many said was Sandra Bullock's return to her great career, with two very successful movies. I have to admit I watched 'The Proposal', even though I didn't have high expectations for it. It was funny, but it was a romantic comedy, after all. Generally, romantic comedies are not of the highest cinematic kind, with exceptions - like 'It's complicated'. However, Sandra's performance in 'The Blind Side' was amazing, simply put. I loved the movie, the story was moving and the concept just worked.

I have always had a soft spot for Sandra Bullock. I think she is beautiful, funny and even though I would be horribly star-struck should I ever meet her, I think I would still know how to have a conversation with her, because she seems approachable. I really like most of her movies and performances, one of my favorites is 'Practical Magic'. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for her on Oscar night - I really think she has a shot at winning her first Academy Award for 'The Blind Side'.

Happy first birthday!

Happy 2010! Yes, it is already February and therefore a teeny tiny bit late for that, but oh well. I haven't been on here in a while and I apologize. Things are hard, every day. I don't know what to blog about, since I don't want to sound completely depressed, because I am not. Life just shows how you have to fight for what is worth having right now. If you are following me at twitter, you'll know that I moved! *YAY* Finally! Into a small apartment, with a bedroom, kitchen/livingroom and bathroom. I am really glad that we found something that has two actual rooms for this price, because my finances are very limited and everything else we looked at had at the most a separate kitchen, but not anything where we could have sat in a different room than the bedroom. Due to the fact that my girlfriend's parents can't/won't support her enough financially, we don't really have enough money. In a perfect month, we should have $100 left over at the end of the month, but since we constantly still need stuff for the apartment we have problems even having enough money for groceries. I have never had to worry about money. EVER. Even though I didn't get a lot of pocket money or was rich per se, I always had enough to not worry about it. I was always able to just go to the movies if I wanted to. Or to go out to eat at a decently priced restaurant with my friends. When I moved away from home three years ago, I easily managed to live off the budget my parents gave me because I am naturally careful with my money. I saved up quite a bit of money, enough to almost fully pay for a trip to see my girlfriend for two weeks. All my parents paid was part of the flight, which was only the smaller part of the cost of the vacation. I never thought that I would be in the position where I had to worry about money, because even though my parents are not rich by anyone's standards, they know how to handle money really well and passed that on to me. Whenever I needed something (a jacket, new jeans, school stuff), I just asked and they paid for it. Yes, sometimes they would say no, especially when it came to T-shirts and things I didn't really need, but more wanted. But I never lacked anything I needed. Now things look quite different. There are a number of things we technically still need for the apartment we simply cannot afford. After rent I will have about 10 dollars left until next week, when my gf's mom gives her grocery money. And even then we have to be very careful what we spend our money on. I don't have a problem being frugal, none at all. But it starts weighing down on you after a while if you don't have money to go to the movies or to go out to dinner for Valentine's day, or even to buy a curtain for your bedroom. Because of my visa status, I can't even work, not that anyone would hire me in this economy. It doesn't seem like this situation will improve much anytime soon, which just worries me, because my girlfriend and I both suffer from the constant worrying about money. She constantly fights about it with her mom too, who thinks it is perfectly fine for me to support her since we are one couple, and doesn't understand that my parents pay for me to go to college here, not for somebody else to do so too. She doesn't get that my parents give me more than 3 times the amount of money she gives her daughter and that I am not willing to give up all 'amenities' of having money (such as healthy food like fruits and veggies, which she says we shouldn't buy because they are too expensive) just because she doesn't know how to handle her money. I can't really talk to my friends about this, because I don't want them to think that my girlfriend is using me or something like this. I know that this is probably not exactly what they would think, but I think there might be some weird feelings. Anyways, this is weighing down on both me and my girlfriend and it sucks.

Now, the title of this post is 'Happy first birthday!' Wonder why? Because one year ago today, my nephew was born! He is such a cutie-pie and I miss him so much, because I can only watch him grow up through pictures. I can talk to everybody else, but not him. And he will have no clue who I am once I go visit in the summer. That is the only downside of having come here, but I guess not everything can be positive. Anyways, he is such a big boy to me already, standing and, I think, walking a bit already, saying two words. Yes, 'Da' and 'Ui' are words, believe it or not!! Anyways, this was a year ago:


And this was a few weeks ago:


Perfectly healthy and happy, despite the fact that he came to us two months early! So happy birthday, favorite nephew!

I've been thinking about that song and video more lately... This video is one of my favorite videos of all time, for various reasons. That's all I'm going to say for now.

So much sleep

Last night, after I had written the previous post and cried a little, I went to sleep nap at about 6.30 pm. I woke up at about 5.30 am because my girlfriend was crawling into bed as well. We talked for a while, but fell back asleep at around 7 and finally got up at about 10. That makes around 13 hours of sleep. To say that I was lacking that sleep in the last two weeks is an understatement. You don't just sleep 13 hours just like that. I was mentally exhausted and think I still am a little, but I guess watching 'Precious' today did not necessarily help with that. I'm still here, I'm just not quite there right now. Off to bed now.

Birthday and the holiday season

Last week I had my first birthday away from home, even though it did not really feel that way, since my dad was here on a visit. I feel like birthdays are something that suck to be celebrated, because they are only actually important to the person whose birthday it is. Nobody ever really cares as much about your birthday as yourself, or maybe your parents. I never had anyone plan a party for me, even as a kid I planned most of it myself, and the older I got, the less fun were the parties. It was always a hassle to try and get everybody together and to find something fun to do and I just started not really liking my birthday anymore. Yeah, I got presents and money, but in recent years it just always seemed like a disappointment, especially last year when my brother and his wife visited on the day of my birthday and so everything was about them and the baby.

This year, I had class and so inbetween classes we went to eat and to the beach, but it wasn't much fun because I was torn between paying attention to my dad and my girlfriend and some stuff that was going on. At night, I went to dinner with my dad, but he didn't want my girlfriend to come with us so it kinda sucked. It was his last day here and I was a bit relieved because I just had too much going on and didn't need him butting into my business and telling me what to do/how to live my life. I got exactly one surprise gift from my parents, which was this little book with political satire that I don't really care about. Yes, I got many presents - a jacket, pair of jeans, new sneakers and a book - but I chose all of those and except for the book those were all things I actually needed. My dad said that the trip we went on was also part of my presents and he kept insisting on the fact that *he* would not have gone to Las Vegas or LA if it had not been for me. I would not have gone to Las Vegas either if it had not been for him visiting, because I had a lot of homework to do over the Thanksgiving break (and by a lot I mean about 25-30 pages of essays and term paper for English) and I would have not been sad had I stayed home all Thanksgiving break. I would have actually enjoyed spending some quality time with my girlfriend, thank you very much.

I know that I sound like a bratty, unthankful kid, but truthfully, I'm not missing my parents that much, like I already said, and there is a part of me that didn't want him to come visit because I just had too much going on and I would have been fine not seeing him till June. As for everybody else, I got birthday emails, but only two birthday cards - from my sister and my grandma - and I don't know if that is because some people didn't have my adress or something like that but I was a bit disappointed. I got presents from my sister, but nothing from my aunt and my brother forgot that I exist alltogether.

Now Christmas is approaching fast and the only thing I feel like doing is sleeping and watching TV. I am completely exhausted from my first semester at College and everything else that had been going on and it just doesn't seem like December to me at all. Even though it is colder now, California is nowhere near as cold as Austria and all the small things I like about christmas in Austria just don't exist here. The decorations here are so corny and there are no christmas markets to go to to drink hot wine punch and freeze your ass off. The athmosphere is different here. If I had my own place to live, I could easily get into the spirit by decorating everything nicely and having a tree and all the little things that make you get into the mood, but I don't so I can't. I'm already hating christmas and we're still so far away from it being over.

This is a really depressing post, I'm sorry about that, but that's how I feel, so there you have it.

I need a holiday!

I wish I could say life is good. Life is busy, that is what it is for me right now. For thanksgiving break, my dad came out to visit. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that we went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, among other places. It was nice to see him, but I did not miss him that much beforehand and would have probably been able to go till June without missing him too much. I skype with my parents on a fairly regular basis, so I don't really miss them all that much. Which I see as a good thing, I am old enough to not emotionally depend on my parents anymore, even when I financially do. And then again, I am most certainly a mommie's girl, so I probably would have enjoyed her visiting more. So I spent part of my vacation with him wishing he hadn't come so that I could have stayed at home, done all of my homework and spent some quality time with my girl.

What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.

My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.

As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.

This is a rant!

So don't read if you're not interested, which I would totally understand. I've tweeted about my living situation and how I recently moved in with my girlfriend and her uncle - into a one-bedroom apartment. As you can imagine, this is not exactly perfect - or should I say it sucks? Yes, rent is cheap, but we live in the living room, which isn't huge and we sleep on an airbed. We have almost no privacy and no space to call our own. We want to move into a condo but can't afford even the cheapest place because my girlfriend can't get a job - stupid economy!! - and her mom is barely supporting her enough to feed her. Her parents basically both don't care what happens in her future or at least they don't show their care because neither of them truly supports her, so I do my best, but I have limited means available as well. My parents pay for my school and living expenses, but with paying for part of my girlfriend's groceries I spend almost all the money they give me for necessities. My girlfriend and I fight about money, because we don't have any, and we fight because we don't have the space the give each other some space.

I know that I should be grateful that I have a place to live and that my parents are providing for me and that I don't go to bed hungry, but this situation is slowly starting to eat me up. I don't know how much longer my gf's uncle will let me stay here and I don't know what will happen once he tells me to move out. I literally don't have anywhere to go. I grew up in a nice house and when I move out I moved into this huge room in an apartment that I shared with two other girls where I had lots of privacy and lots of space. I don't really want to move in with roommates, as my girlfriend will not be able to stay over very often and then we won't be able to see each other on a daily basis, which is what we are used to. Because of all the homework, we barely have time to spend any quality time together, and I really don't want to spend any of the little time we have apart. The only solution that seems like a good idea right now is to move into a two-bedroom apartment with her uncle, as he then would be paying her rent. But as of right now, he can't afford to move and he also doesn't seem really willing to move, as he has lived in this apartment for years and we could possibly move someplace else within 5 years. Then, he might have difficulties paying rent in a bigger apartment and what would he do with a 2-bedroom. I understand why he is reluctant, I totally do, but this is just the only solution I have. This is my plan. I don't have a plan B, all I have this or nothing. My girlfriend and I have discussed this issue multiple times in the past days and there just doesn't seem to be a solution. Unless one of us mysteriously wins the lottery or inherits a large sum of money, we will probably still be living in this apartment a year from now.

The situation sucks, I don't know what to do, and I've never been in a situation like this before in my life. I know that a lot of people go through hard times, but with trying to keep up with my homework, trying to get a 4.0 GPA and having a healthy relationship, I just feel like I don't have the energy to figure out what to do. I've been ignoring this problem since the day I moved in here and the longer I live here the harder it gets to ignore the fact that living like that is, quite frankly, below my standards. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled little child, but I've always had my own bed and my own desk and a dresser and even when I shared a room with my sister - for a whole 13 years - I had more space and more privacy. At least then, I could always go into a different room.

The history of hip-hop in 5 days

Dear god, it appears I'm trying to kill myself. With school very obviously kicking my butt, I kinda, maybe, perhaps, sorta, might have overlooked the fact that I should be reading 4 books for my English class and that I had only started reading 2. Yes, I could have chosen to not start with the one that is 'due' tomorrow, but instead chosen a different book (we get to choose 3 books out of 5), but I had this grand idea that if I can read a 700-page Harry Potter in a day I'll be able to read a 460-page book about hip-hop in a weekend. Well, it seems having to do laundry, dishes, cooking and other random things that need to be done around the house diminishes your ability to read for 8 hours a day. So I still have to read about 80 pages before tomorrow. Yeah, I am crazy, but hey, I have already read too much to give up now. Luckily, I don't have to do a presentation about the book, I just have to hand in my reading journal, which I have been working on while reading, and take part in the discussion.

Still, it seems like I am trying to kill myself by reading too much. Funny, really, as our English teacher keeps mentioning how she thinks we read too much. Ya think? Anyways, I will be able to finish by tomorrow, I'm just not going to get too much sleep. Not that I'm not used to that by now. The book is fairly interesting, but it has slightly too many names and terms in it for it to be an easy read. If I'm having a hard time reading it, then so will most people in my class, based on the fact that most of them hate the book we all have to read and I think of it as really interesting ('1968: The Year that Rocked the World', by Mark Kurlansky, in case you were wondering). I'm already wondering how much of the information I will actually be able to retain, but we will see in my discussion tomorrow.

As for now, I have to go back to reading, so that I can get at least some sleep. More on this will follow soon...

Oh. My. God.

School is seriously kicking my butt!! I am so busy all the time, I don't have time to do anything apart homework, get groceries and spend some little time with my girlfriend. So far I'm getting good grades - only one B so far - but I just hope that with me not having enough time for speeches and essays that my grades won't slip.

That's all. Not much for now, but I just don't have time to post right now. I'm enjoying my time here, I hardly miss home at all and things with the girlfriend are good, even if we quarrel sometimes. But overall it's good, so I'm happy.