I have this very dear friend of mine, Ms. K, who was basically my best friend when I went to university in Austria. She knew me really well and we shared many secrets, things we didn't tell anyone else. But, when I moved, things with my girlfriend started happening that were private. And these things made my friendship with her harder. I want to tell her about the things that worry me, and why I'm not as happy as everybody else thought. I want to tell her about the difficulties I have being in a relationship with someone who needs more love and attention due to mental health issues. I want to talk to her without holding back, without weighing my words and trying to figure out what I can and what I can't talk about.
But with her, it's harder than with other friends. She knows me better and deeper, even though we only lived near each other for two years. It's harder for me to only tell her half-truths, so I withdrew myself from our friendship. I know that it wasn't fair towards her, because she didn't know what was going on, but it was the only thing I knew to do. She sent me a message asking what was wrong, whether I was okay and why I hadn't been in touch with her for so long. I told her a few basic things, things I felt I could tell her without neglecting my girlfriend's privacy. There are so many horrible things in my girlfriend's past I'm trying to deal with. The difficulties I have with processing what my girlfriend has told me show me how hard it must be for her to have lived it. But I'm processing all these emotions on my own and I can't really talk to the people I would have talked had it been my past or any other subject.
Luckily, Ms. K wasn't too hurt or mad at me and understood where I was coming from. She told me to tell her what I feel comfortable with and she wasn't going to ask any further. I know from experience that she is the kind of person who will listen, but also understand if you can't talk about something. Now I have to take the plunge and actually call her and hear her voice again for the first time in months. I fear that I'll start to cry because I did miss her friendship quite a bit, even if all the other things that were going on moved those feelings to the back of my mind. I have a best friend who happens to be my girlfriend now, but I think having two best friends is going to work out just fine. I just have to try harder to make it work.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Memories from a time long gone, yet still so close
Being back in my home town puts me into a weird mood sometimes. A friend of mine, who I visited twice by now, lives right across the street from where I used to go to school to for nine years. Every time I visit her I drive by the building that holds so many memories. Memories of madly falling in love with someone completely unattainable. Memories of friendships forming, but also falling apart. Memories of conversations as deep as the most private thoughts and also as eye-opening as therapy. Since I moved twice after I graduated from high school, my time in middle and high school in that same building seems so long ago. It doesn't feel like just three years ago. I'm still fairly young, yet I feel so much more mature when I think of the person I was then and the person I am now. And intertwined with these thoughts are thoughts of the people who help mold me into the person I am today.
I have a special relationship with my first love. She was not just my first love - who ever has a first love who *just* was that anyways? - but she was also a person who helped me get through my teenage years and influenced me heavily. Let's call her Mrs. Teacher, since she was my teacher. Yeah, that old cliché. I started getting to know her better in my first year of high school, when my mom fell ill. None of my friends understood my fears, so I felt like I had to talk to an adult. Since she had told us to talk to her if we had problems, I took her up on that offer. She actually listened to what I had to say and made me feel like I wasn't a child anymore, but actually a person with valid feelings and thoughts. I felt like she saw me, the real me, not the child many people saw in me. Yes, I was only 15, but I felt more mature than that and I know I was more mature than most 15-year-olds. So after talking to her a few times, I started falling for her more and more. She was way too old for me, straight and just in general completely unattainable, but that didn't stop me from having fantasies about our lives spent together. I knew that she was divorced, but in my second year I found out that she was in a relationship. That revelation broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep for days. But, since she was completely out of my reach before I knew about her boyfriend, my feelings for her didn't change much. She was not any closer to being mine than she had been before. Time went on and we continued to talk after school sometimes, forming a teeny tiny bit of a friendship, as much as we could given the whole student-teacher relationship. In my last year at high school, a lot happened between her and my class, so the friendship that could have been after I was done with school was no longer an option.
Since I needed some documents for my college application, I saw her once last year. We talked a bit and she said things that only someone who really knows me would say. We also talked about staying in touch. I wrote to her, but hadn't heard back from her. Since I'm going to apply to universities soon, I will need more of the same documentation I had already gotten, so I called the school and asked her for it. I can still vividly remember how I felt about her. I know and cherish how she influenced my life. But at the same time, the feelings towards her have changed so much. Now, I have a girlfriend I love more than I loved her, and a girlfriend who loves me back. Now, I can't imagine living without my girlfriend and feel so deeply about her I sometimes almost can't handle it. Now, I feel more deeply than I had ever felt for this unattainable woman. Back then, I thought I loved as much as I could love. Now, I know I am capable of more, even without teenage hormones.
I wonder if all people who fell so hard the first time feel that way about their first love. Or if I'm different because of the circumstances and the fact that my first love was in my life, actively, for five years. I still know so well how I felt about Mrs. Teacher, yet the feelings are somehow removed from my emotions today. I still want to know her and I still want to talk to her. I still cherish her as an influence on my life. But now, I want to tell her about my girlfriend, and how being in a relationship has change me. Now, I want to tell her about my dreams, about the dreams I have when it comes to getting married and having kids. Now, I want to talk to her like we're even, the way she made me feel back then. Like we're friends.
I know one thing for sure: whenever I form a deep bond with a person, which I don't do easily, they remain in my heart. I'm loyal and I don't trust easily, but when I do, I do so fully. She has gained my trust a long time ago and even though I wasn't on her side when I felt she was wrong, I still feel loyalty towards her. And even if I'm not in touch with her, I will never forget how I felt for her a long time ago and how she made me a better person.
I have a special relationship with my first love. She was not just my first love - who ever has a first love who *just* was that anyways? - but she was also a person who helped me get through my teenage years and influenced me heavily. Let's call her Mrs. Teacher, since she was my teacher. Yeah, that old cliché. I started getting to know her better in my first year of high school, when my mom fell ill. None of my friends understood my fears, so I felt like I had to talk to an adult. Since she had told us to talk to her if we had problems, I took her up on that offer. She actually listened to what I had to say and made me feel like I wasn't a child anymore, but actually a person with valid feelings and thoughts. I felt like she saw me, the real me, not the child many people saw in me. Yes, I was only 15, but I felt more mature than that and I know I was more mature than most 15-year-olds. So after talking to her a few times, I started falling for her more and more. She was way too old for me, straight and just in general completely unattainable, but that didn't stop me from having fantasies about our lives spent together. I knew that she was divorced, but in my second year I found out that she was in a relationship. That revelation broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep for days. But, since she was completely out of my reach before I knew about her boyfriend, my feelings for her didn't change much. She was not any closer to being mine than she had been before. Time went on and we continued to talk after school sometimes, forming a teeny tiny bit of a friendship, as much as we could given the whole student-teacher relationship. In my last year at high school, a lot happened between her and my class, so the friendship that could have been after I was done with school was no longer an option.
Since I needed some documents for my college application, I saw her once last year. We talked a bit and she said things that only someone who really knows me would say. We also talked about staying in touch. I wrote to her, but hadn't heard back from her. Since I'm going to apply to universities soon, I will need more of the same documentation I had already gotten, so I called the school and asked her for it. I can still vividly remember how I felt about her. I know and cherish how she influenced my life. But at the same time, the feelings towards her have changed so much. Now, I have a girlfriend I love more than I loved her, and a girlfriend who loves me back. Now, I can't imagine living without my girlfriend and feel so deeply about her I sometimes almost can't handle it. Now, I feel more deeply than I had ever felt for this unattainable woman. Back then, I thought I loved as much as I could love. Now, I know I am capable of more, even without teenage hormones.
I wonder if all people who fell so hard the first time feel that way about their first love. Or if I'm different because of the circumstances and the fact that my first love was in my life, actively, for five years. I still know so well how I felt about Mrs. Teacher, yet the feelings are somehow removed from my emotions today. I still want to know her and I still want to talk to her. I still cherish her as an influence on my life. But now, I want to tell her about my girlfriend, and how being in a relationship has change me. Now, I want to tell her about my dreams, about the dreams I have when it comes to getting married and having kids. Now, I want to talk to her like we're even, the way she made me feel back then. Like we're friends.
I know one thing for sure: whenever I form a deep bond with a person, which I don't do easily, they remain in my heart. I'm loyal and I don't trust easily, but when I do, I do so fully. She has gained my trust a long time ago and even though I wasn't on her side when I felt she was wrong, I still feel loyalty towards her. And even if I'm not in touch with her, I will never forget how I felt for her a long time ago and how she made me a better person.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Home again
I'm 'home' again. I came back almost a week ago not, but left America exactly a week ago. Things here seem so familiar, yet at the same time not anymore. I felt weird, in a way like I wasn't in my skin, or where I was supposed to be. I keep telling myself that it's only 2 months.
I applied for a few jobs and got two, hopefully they will actually pay me enough to save up some money. The one is with a market research company, doing personal interviews. I'm not sure where I'm going to find people willing to sit down with me and do an interview for 45 minutes, but I guess I'll have to if I want to make money. The other job is with an event organizer, hopefully I'll get to do a few interesting things. Money is always on my mind, lately, with the Euro loosing its value and rent being so expensive. At least right now I don't have to pay for my living expenses. On top of working, I am also taking a math class this summer, which should be interesting. I've learned this kind of math before, but I suck at math, so it might impact my GPA.
Other than that, there really isn't that much going on. I haven't met any of my friends yet, as they are all still busy with school and work. I haven't been too eager to yet either, I just didn't feel like it yet. I miss my girlfriend, but it's not too bad yet. I had a bad dream about us today though, so that makes it harder. Right now I'm just trying to focus on other things than just on missing her. She has her sisters visiting now, so she should be fine too.
That's all for today. Just wanted to post a little update, get back into blogging, like I've said only about a million times before... Maybe this time I really will.
I applied for a few jobs and got two, hopefully they will actually pay me enough to save up some money. The one is with a market research company, doing personal interviews. I'm not sure where I'm going to find people willing to sit down with me and do an interview for 45 minutes, but I guess I'll have to if I want to make money. The other job is with an event organizer, hopefully I'll get to do a few interesting things. Money is always on my mind, lately, with the Euro loosing its value and rent being so expensive. At least right now I don't have to pay for my living expenses. On top of working, I am also taking a math class this summer, which should be interesting. I've learned this kind of math before, but I suck at math, so it might impact my GPA.
Other than that, there really isn't that much going on. I haven't met any of my friends yet, as they are all still busy with school and work. I haven't been too eager to yet either, I just didn't feel like it yet. I miss my girlfriend, but it's not too bad yet. I had a bad dream about us today though, so that makes it harder. Right now I'm just trying to focus on other things than just on missing her. She has her sisters visiting now, so she should be fine too.
That's all for today. Just wanted to post a little update, get back into blogging, like I've said only about a million times before... Maybe this time I really will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
