Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Breaking up is hard to do...

When the Girlfriend and I are having a bad day relationship-wise, I can sometimes see and experience the full fight-or-flight reaction in my girlfriend. She has broken up with me multiple times by now, too many to count (honestly, I really don't want to count). Here are some reasons why she broke up with me:
  • I deserve to be with someone who isn't "broken", or just generally better - smarter, prettier, funnier,... - (her words, not mine!)
  • She can't handle the stress of us fighting - she realizes that over the long-term, our relationship decreases her stress more than it increases it, but at that point in time she cannot see it
  • I haven't stopped making the same mistakes, which leads to her stress levels being increased (see above)
  • and other things I can't think of right now
Until two nights ago, I have always put in quite a fight to make her not break up with me and was always able to convince her that we are meant to be together - something we both believe in. However, two nights ago, we had a generally bad night - partially because of my behavior - and when she broke up with me I didn't stop her. I couldn't. I felt like if she really wanted to be with me, if I was worth the hard times, she wouldn't keep breaking up with me. Many things were said, I said things I regret saying, but in the end I told her it was up to her. I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but she needed to want to be with me too. She managed to get out of the pit she was in and tell me that she wanted to be with me and so we are not broken up. However, the whole thing showed me how much my behavior affects her behavior and how much I can influence whether she sinks really low or just low - in her emotions, not in the different sense.

I think it was good and important for me to see that she was willing to fight for me too, because I did somehow feel like I wasn't worth fighting for. I realize that she has special issues people with 'normal' childhoods don't face, but sometimes it is hard for me to act accordingly. I am only human and I make mistakes. My mistakes just have more of an impact on her because of the issues she deals with every day. I'm learning, but sometimes the learning experiences include really low points and lots of tears.

That's all I really have to say about that right now. We're not broken up and I think we are really meant to be together, if we can navigate our lives and the issues that are there, if we want them or not.


FosterAbba said...

Your post struck a chord with me.

I was once in a very tumultuous relationship where there was high drama all the time. In the end, we finally broke up, and it was the best thing we could have done.

Sometimes, it's better to be drama-free that to keep hanging in there.

I almost feel as if I shouldn't really comment, since it's not fair for me to make remarks about the nature of your relationship. Only you know what's right for your life.

Nelfy said...

That's ok.

I would think that having less drama in our lives would be better too, but similar to Danielle, my girlfriend is dealing with all the childhood abuse/neglect issues, but unlike Danielle, she is really trying hard to overcome her issues. Healing just takes out a lot on us and she can't handle stress well, because of her Anxiety disorder. But what you just said is one reason why my friends don't know what's going on. I don't think they would really be able to understand. I didn't until I knew more about my girlfriend's past and how bad things were, but those things are private.

Maria said...

I always say exactly what I think, so you will get that. I think that a relationship has to evolve to a point where you both agree that you aren't going to throw the "I've had it, I'm leaving" line in the ring over and over.

My partner and I both know that if one of us ever said that to each other, it would be a deadly serious situation. We both depend on trusting each other so much that leaving no longer enters the picture, but being happy together does.

Sorry if that sounds unkind. It's just...you can't just throw those words around. They are toxic to the other person in the relationship. NEVER break up unless you mean it, really mean it.

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

Only you know what is best for your relationship. However, tumultuous relationships can become unhealthy. Only you will know when enough is enough. Remember that you may understand why someone behaves the way they do, but you can't fix someone. Ultimately, you need to take care of yourself and put your own needs, well-being, and happiness first.

If you think that this relationship is a healthy and good one for you, then so be it. However, if you feel like it's no longer that, you may have to step back and re-evaluate what it is that you want and need.