Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Night Off

Two days ago I decided to not go to my 3-hour night class and stay at home instead. It had been an exhausting weekend, studying for a big test and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with breakups. I just needed a break and some time away from my ex, who is taking the same class. So I stayed home with only the slightest guilty conscience.

What did I do with my amazing free time, you ask? Well, for one, I watched an episode of "Supernanny" (current reality-TV-obsession, she's hot!) and took a long, relaxing shower. I did, however, also vacuum, clean the bathroom and do all the dishes. And it felt so good. With everything that has been going on, house work has not been at the top of my list of things to do, but I always get antsy when I don't clean for a while. I can't stand the apartment being dirty. I grew up in a house that was cleaned bottom to top at least once a week and so not vacuuming for more than a week is already horrible for me. I wish I could have just relaxed and sat back for three hours and done absolutely nothing, but at least I had the time to clean. If I hadn't, it would have had to wait til the weekend, and I knew I would be bugged by it all week then. So I stayed home from class to clean up! I'm such a typical college student, living the high life....

Break-up wise, things are going okay-ish. My ex is trying to make things better by saying she will stay with me so that I can be happy, but that really isn't what I want. Sure, I want her to be with me and for us to be happy, but I only want her to be with me because she loves me, is in love with me and actually wants to be with me. I feel like if she keeps trying to stay with me for my sake, I won't get a chance to let go of her, get over her and move on. So right now, I'm trying really hard to not imagine a future in which we are together. Because as much as I want that to happen, it probably won't. Not if she is head over heels in love with somebody else. So that is hard - telling her I don't want to be with her when I do, because she doesn't want to be with me.

I am also ambivalent about how I feel about the woman my ex fell for. She used to be my teacher and now is my ex's teacher. I liked her a lot both as a teacher and a person and I'd love to hang out with her, but I feel like I can't. First of all, she gets along great with my ex and I didn't have that kind of a connection with her. We talked, but we weren't close the way my ex and her are. Also, even though I know it's not her fault at all, I still have some resentment towards her. I don't want to, but I just can't help feel like if she weren't so awesome, my ex wouldn't have fallen for her. It is stupid to feel that way, but I still do sometimes.

So I have a lot to figure out. But, thankfully, I'm still in therapy!


Anonymous said...

Hi Nelfy,
Wonder if you remember me.. we lost (or stop being in) contact few years ago. but i remember your blog and i do read it once in a while. and we did email often and i do remember bits about you. :) (i hope you don't think im a stalker) reading about your journeys and adventures, whether good or bad .. and finally this. i am so so sorry to hear about the break-up. but to me, it had seemed like an amazing r/s, you going there to be with her and the sacrifices both of you had gone through.
i hope you are doing and feeling better now. and ill be here if you want someone to talk to. :)
-Kemri/Kemist from AE. (maybe my real name might jog your memory if need be ill include it in the next reply)

Anonymous said...

you've been through a lot, im sure you will get through this. stay strong my friend. :)

Maria said...'s November 2011. How are you doing with the break up now???

Time really does make a difference, yes?