Thursday, April 29, 2010

Honesty and Guilt

The girlfriend and I had a bad Sunday, mostly filled with fights about homework, housework and going to bed at a decent time. I didn't quite understand what was going on and why she was procrastinating all day, but it drove me up a wall a little. Okay, quite a lot. I wanted her to do the dishes or at least clean the bathroom counter/sink, but she wouldn't do it. I offered help, tried asking nicely, got mad, but nothing made her budge.

After having a fight about it Monday morning and another one Tuesday morning, she finally told me that she had been having a really bad day with her issues, mainly the depression, but that she didn't want to tell me because she already puts so many of her issues on me. I told her that it was way easier for me to deal with her issues if I knew what was going on, because I honestly thought that she was fine. She told me that she is never fine, which I sometimes forget because she has her good days, or because she can keep her bad days secret from me well enough.

We had a talk about it and I understand why she doesn't always want to tell me about her feelings. She feels guilty because I take care of her and because she "puts so much on [my] plate", and then the guilt makes her feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle that I haven't figured out how to break yet. In her mind, I should be with someone "better", who can take care of me - which she does, she took care of me really well when I was sick last week - and who doesn't need the support that she needs. I tried to explain to her that if she had cancer, I wouldn't leave her either, just because that is hard to go through. She has an illness and it is hard every single day, I won't lie, but it's not her fault.

I make the conscious decision to be there for her and support her the best I can, even though I clearly fail some days. While I didn't know how bad some of her issues were when we started dating, I have since not changed my mind about her being the one for me. Yes, it is hard, but I love her and I want to be there for her so it can get easier. Not to sound full of myself, but I do think that without me, it would be even harder for her to get better. She thinks I "deserve" someone better, but I think she deserves better. The people in her life, the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, have so far done very little for her and continuously keep hurting her by being irresponsible, mean, absent and all kinds of other things. And while she thinks I will eventually end up hating her because of her issues, it is truly the people who have caused her issues that I hate. I just wish I could erase her guilt and make her understand that I love her, no matter what issues her past bring up.

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