Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Being in a funk

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen the following tweets on your feed:
I gained so much f*cking weight in the last two months, none of my skirts fit anymore. Not a single one! Aaaagghh... I will stop eating now
Thinking about @UhHuhHerMusic 's Leisha Hailey' and Alice's obvious superiority makes me sad. Only thing I've going for myself in comparison?
My boobs are nicer. I'm 16 years younger, so obviously that will change too, probs sooner than 16 years. Very depressing thoughts... If I
didn't look up to Alice so much, might not be quite as bad. And yes, I know she's a fictional character, but Leisha still f*cking rocks!
A couple of things happened today that made my self-esteem sink to a new low. First of all, the weight issue. I've blogged about weight before, because it is something that is often in the back of my mind. Today, I took out my summer skirts and tried them all on. None of them fit. Not a single one. I knew that I had gained weight because my pants were fairly tight, but I hadn't realized that it was so bad. One skirt I was particularly upset about because I only just bought it last summer and hadn't worn it very often. Yes, when I bought it it was tight, but I figured it would be a good motivation to stay at my weight at that time, because I really love that skirt. Guess eating my stress doesn't exactly help with that, does it?

There is so much going on in my life right now and my life pretty much revolves around my girlfriend and school. I haven't made any real friends here yet and I'm having a hard time staying in touch with my friends in Austria. I don't want to/can't tell them about all the bad stuff that is going on here, because I don't want them to think I'm unhappy about my decision to move here - I am really not. I also don't want them to think I'm unhappy in my relationship or that they get a wrong picture of my girlfriend.

The thing is, she is depressed, has anxiety issues and very likely posttraumatic stress disorder. She is starting to heal, but it is a long process and we are just at the beginning of it. We both know that everything that is going on with her is taking a toll on me and it makes her feel even worse. I love her and don't want to be without her and I want to help her get better, but there is only so much I can do. And I'm not going to lie and say everything is great, because it is hard. Really, really hard. Will I give up on our relationship because it is hard? No. Does that make it any easier? Again, no.

With all of that going on, and the fact that I gained all that weight I was already not feeling great tonight. Then, I was finally wearing something I liked and I thought I looked hot, so I asked my girlfriend to take a few pictures. She's a pretty good photographer and knows how to handle a camera, but she's no miracle worker. The pictures didn't turn out great, because I can't pose or make my face look less stupid, so that just added on to my general mood and now I'm just in a real funk.

1 comment:

Maria said...

You know, I think most women have stood in your shoes. I know that I have. My sisters and I joke that we are like hamsters on a wheel. We eat like pigs from Thanksgiving until Easter and then spend all the rest of the time dieting.

And you know, the caregiver/the partner of the depressed person is under tremendous stress too...cut yourself some slack. If you can. It is hard, yes, I know.