Two days ago I decided to not go to my 3-hour night class and stay at home instead. It had been an exhausting weekend, studying for a big test and dealing with the emotional stuff that comes with breakups. I just needed a break and some time away from my ex, who is taking the same class. So I stayed home with only the slightest guilty conscience.
What did I do with my amazing free time, you ask? Well, for one, I watched an episode of "Supernanny" (current reality-TV-obsession, she's hot!) and took a long, relaxing shower. I did, however, also vacuum, clean the bathroom and do all the dishes. And it felt so good. With everything that has been going on, house work has not been at the top of my list of things to do, but I always get antsy when I don't clean for a while. I can't stand the apartment being dirty. I grew up in a house that was cleaned bottom to top at least once a week and so not vacuuming for more than a week is already horrible for me. I wish I could have just relaxed and sat back for three hours and done absolutely nothing, but at least I had the time to clean. If I hadn't, it would have had to wait til the weekend, and I knew I would be bugged by it all week then. So I stayed home from class to clean up! I'm such a typical college student, living the high life....
Break-up wise, things are going okay-ish. My ex is trying to make things better by saying she will stay with me so that I can be happy, but that really isn't what I want. Sure, I want her to be with me and for us to be happy, but I only want her to be with me because she loves me, is in love with me and actually wants to be with me. I feel like if she keeps trying to stay with me for my sake, I won't get a chance to let go of her, get over her and move on. So right now, I'm trying really hard to not imagine a future in which we are together. Because as much as I want that to happen, it probably won't. Not if she is head over heels in love with somebody else. So that is hard - telling her I don't want to be with her when I do, because she doesn't want to be with me.
I am also ambivalent about how I feel about the woman my ex fell for. She used to be my teacher and now is my ex's teacher. I liked her a lot both as a teacher and a person and I'd love to hang out with her, but I feel like I can't. First of all, she gets along great with my ex and I didn't have that kind of a connection with her. We talked, but we weren't close the way my ex and her are. Also, even though I know it's not her fault at all, I still have some resentment towards her. I don't want to, but I just can't help feel like if she weren't so awesome, my ex wouldn't have fallen for her. It is stupid to feel that way, but I still do sometimes.
So I have a lot to figure out. But, thankfully, I'm still in therapy!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
It's over
Two years. That is how long my first serious relationship lasted. Two years and two months. Plus a few days. So many things to say, I find it hard to even put one thought into words.
I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.
There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."
I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.
Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.
Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.
I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.
A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.
I am currently feeling all of the following: sadness, anger, depression, madness, relief, very, very, very cautious optimism, more sadness, more anger, and some jealousy. My girlfriend broke up with me, and this time it is for real. I know so in my heart. She doesn't love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. And it is so, so hard to accept.
There is somebody else, somebody new in her life, who she gave her heart to. A straight woman who doesn't have any use for her heart, not that that matters. Hearing her talk about that woman non-stop was one of the things that made me realize that this is it. No "I didn't mean it", no "I still love you."
I'm trying to not bargain with myself, to not hope for something that won't come. I deserve someone who loves me. Fully, 100%, all of me, all the time. It seems my ex-girlfriend is not that one person. No matter how much I want her to be, no matter how hard I fought for her to be. She's not the one for me.
Now I'm trying to regroup, let go of all the dreams we had together, build dreams of a future on my own. Like typical lesbians, we will probably continue to be friends and in each others lives, but right now I am trying to separate myself from her. Which is hard to do since we live together, in a studio apartment, which doesn't offer too much space for privacy. But we will manage, as we have.
Luckily, I am still in therapy. However, my therapist is trying to wean me off, so to speak, and is having me meet her only every other week. The day after she suggests that and I agree, my girlfriend breaks up with me. I decided to take the challenge and not go see my therapist without the appointment, since I have to get used to not having her.
I love my therapist to death (in a completely non-romantic way). She is amazing. She has helped me see many things, things I don't necessarily want to see. And she is trying so hard to make me see the good in myself. I panic when I think about the fact that I only have about 6 more meetings with her. We talked about me journalling/blogging to deal with difficult situations and since I am having a completely sleep-less night, I actually found the time to write something.
A start. A beginning into my new single life. Accompanied by many tears, but the hope that one day, the pain will go away and an amazing woman will come into my life, a woman who can give me what my ex-girlfriend couldn't.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Leaving the nest
On Tuesday, I am going back to California and I probably won't be coming back home to visit for at least a year, if not longer. I did get a little sentimental thinking about this, because even though I don't want to live here anymore, I still enjoy visiting and being with friends and my parents. Despite some problems and disagreements, I have a really good relationship with my parents. It's not perfect, but there is a lot of love and also mutual respect.
The other thing about leaving home is that I can still be a little bit of a child when I am here. I don't have to worry about cooking lunch or who will wash the dishes or bills or any of these grown-up things. And even though I am very much a grown-up now and take care of all these things, when I am here, I can just shut off a little and relax for a while. I just wish that I could stay here a little bit longer.
The other thing about leaving home is that I can still be a little bit of a child when I am here. I don't have to worry about cooking lunch or who will wash the dishes or bills or any of these grown-up things. And even though I am very much a grown-up now and take care of all these things, when I am here, I can just shut off a little and relax for a while. I just wish that I could stay here a little bit longer.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Life doesn't come easy
Sometimes, life just seems so hard and so much. Over the course of the last semester, I sometimes had the feeling that the simple act of living was too much. There are so many things that make life difficult and so little was easy. There is the saying that good things don't come easy and are worth fighting for, but I just wish that some parts of my life weren't such a struggle. I'm okay fighting for certain things, but it would be nice to have some things just come easy, like school or friendships.
I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.
Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.
This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.
I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.
With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.
[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]
I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.
Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.
This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.
I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.
With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.
[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]
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