Sometimes, life just seems so hard and so much. Over the course of the last semester, I sometimes had the feeling that the simple act of living was too much. There are so many things that make life difficult and so little was easy. There is the saying that good things don't come easy and are worth fighting for, but I just wish that some parts of my life weren't such a struggle. I'm okay fighting for certain things, but it would be nice to have some things just come easy, like school or friendships.
I'm back in therapy. I've been in therapy before, when I was still living in Austria and was dealing with the unhappiness of that situation. I generally like the concept of therapy, even though actually going there and talking about my problems was often hard. But it helped me figure out what it was I needed to do to be happier in my life. I've often searched for contentment rather than happiness, because to me, being content is a long-term feeling, whereas happiness is fleeting. I felt like therapy was helping me get to a point of being content with my life and my path.
Now, I'm struggling with some things from my past, from my childhood. Initially, I went to talk about some of the stress in my life, partially from school and partially from the difficulties in my relationship. Being with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety isn't always easy and since I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends, it helped to talk to my therapist. Recently, we talked about our first session and how I had told her that my childhood was fairly happy and average. Now that I've been going for about 3 months and have opened up to her more, she said that it was interesting to think about that statement after all the things I have told her about. There are probably many people who wouldn't call my childhood average, but to me it always seems like I got lucky, because even though there was bad stuff, I was also loved by my parents, didn't have to worry about money or food and always had everything I needed and a little more.
This past semester was especially stressful because of the classes I was taking at school. I felt like I was always lagging behind a bit and was constantly working on essays or project in the last minute. I achieved my goals, but it didn't come easy. I am really glad that for spring, I am not taking a full course load, even though I am only taking one class less. I'm also looking for a job, which makes me anxious because I feel like I don't have a resume good enough to get an okay job in this economy. I know I have great skills, but I don't have the ability to show these skills because I come from a different system. Working, if I do end up getting a job, will be adding to my stress, but it will at least relieve some of the stress that comes from never having any money left at the end of the month.
I'm also in the middle of applying for universities, which is so difficult for me because I am not the most creative person. I am applying for film production programs, which require supporting materials like outlines for screenplays and similar things to be submitted. I feel like none of my ideas are good enough to be admitted into the schools I want to be admitted too. On top of that, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for school. Without scholarships, it is going to be a huge financial burden for my parents. Even though they have said that they can pay for the less expensive of my choices if I end up not getting any scholarships, I don't want to add that to the burden of having to support me every month. I hate that at age 23, I am still so financially dependent on them and I wish I could get the scholarships I need to at least pay for tuition. But as a foreign student, I am not even able to apply for most scholarships.
With all these things going through my mind, I am currently packing up my things to go back to America. I spent Christmas break at home, celebrating with my family, trying to relax from the past stressful semester. But two weeks of friends and family are hardly enough for me to really relax and I hate having to go back already stressed out again. I wish I could go back and enjoy the last two weeks of break with my girlfriend, just doing fun stuff with her, but instead I have to finish up on my applications and get ready for school again. I really need a real break, without all the uncertainty about the future and all the stress about school, money and other things.
[I'm going to try to get back into the habit of blogging, because I feel writing about things can help me process them, but I don't know how much time I will have after school and everything else.]