Saturday, May 16, 2009

"Good, how are you?"

This week I almost completely lost it in therapy. A number of things have been stressing me out a lot: the application to the college in the US, whether they would accept me, having to go to university here when I have no motivation whatsoever to go, the fact that one course I'm taking this semester is way too difficult for me (economics) and two are boring me to death (law and marketing), being so far apart from my girlfriend, difficulties with my mom. We only covered two of these things in therapy, but that was enough to almost make me cry. Since I have this issue with crying, I didn't. But I pretty much still felt like crap when I left.

I'm home now and talked to my mom and having told her what is stressing me out made me feel better. I feel like she has less power over how I feel about going away now that she knows that I'm not doing that well either. It's not like I want to study abroad because I want to get away from them, but sometimes she makes it seem like that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let her give me a bad conscience for wanting to do what I think will make me happy.

I certainly have anxiety issues. My therapist says that panic attacks, of which I almost had two, are my psyche's sign that there is something I should adress. I know that I am good at pretending that everything is fine, towards myself and towards others. So if I keep going the way I have in the past I'm heading right to a full-blown panic attack. I hope that there is going to come the day on which I don't have to lie to myself about how I'm doing or how I feel. I'm starting to make progress, eg this morning when my mom asked how the party yesterday was, I truthfully told her that it wasn't that great because most of the people there were couples and that being alone wasn't all that fun. But it's small steps, one at a time and talking to my friends yesterday showed that I'm still nowhere near to where I should be. I still always say that I'm doing well when asked, even though I'm clearly not.

1 comment:

{{ d a n i m o }} said...

i was exactly the same way for so long -- it's so hard to be honest with yourself when you need to remain headstrong to deal with issues that, frankly, seem so much larger than yourself. but without the strength that comes from within, it's almost impossible to do anything! i mean, without working on the root of your own problem, it's almost unbelievable that anything could get done to solve things outside of your control! but someone, i always put myself on the back burner and kept achieving the next-to-impossible. . . until one day i just gave up and decided to focus on myself. i'm still in a phase of that where i'm a bit too selfish, but it's better than bending over backwards to kill myself for someone else.

i also feel you on the mom front. my mom's insane and i can never have a real conversation with her though and she never makes me feel better about anything. :P but because of her insanity, she also made me seem like a horrible person for moving "away" to college -- and mind you, i only moved two hours south to another huge city readily accessible by taking one freeway! even when i told her i was going to study abroad in spain, after four years of being on my own, she flipped out. sometimes it's difficult if not damn near impossible to convince people, especially parents, that not every decision someone makes is about them.