Decisions

I can make my own. With all the thinking I've been doing about my future, my education and what jobs I would like to do, I somehow forgot that that's not the only area in my life in which *I* can decide. I'm starting to be independent and take over responsibility for my own life, so why should that be any different when it comes to my relationships.

Berlin was somewhat exhausting to me. The friendship just doesn't feel right to me anymore and I'm not willing to invest energy if, in the end, it hurts more than it helps. I talked about this whole issue today in therapy and my therapist told me 'Ultimately, it's you who decides'. I hadn't really realized that up until now, I was always trying to be accommodating to other people's wishes and needs, which is okay sometimes. But if the whole relationship hurts me then I need to put myself first and finally do what I've wanted to do for a while now.

There were some small incidents that irritated me way more than they should have and I had a hard time letting them go. I realized that I have evolved and I have started taking my own decisions more even when there is type A personality around. I have no problem doing my own thing even when the others would rather I didn't because it would suit THEM better.

I am done with the friendship. I'm not going to get into touch with them anymore and if they want to, I'll be friendly and nice, but I won't be out there in the open anymore. I have what I would call casual friendships with people who I tell some stuff and don't tell other things and I don't feel guilty about it because we're not BFFs. That's exactly what I'll do with them. This way, I can distance myself and protect my feelings and find closure.

Of course, like in every group, not everybody can always do what they want and not everybody will always be happy. But it is my right to stand up for myself and get what I want at times. I know that it's not their fault that I've been too accommodating, clearly, but at the same time, I feel like they don't know how to deal with the 'new' me.

So we'll see. I'm happy with what I was finally able to see today and I think that now that someone told me 'It's okay to do what's right for you even if it's not what the other person wants.', I'll be able to really take that to heart more. I think I've not been following my own advice, which kinda pisses me off, when I think about it, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but still. And I am proud of myself for standing up for myself.