Wednesday, December 3, 2008

What is wrong with my head?

Emotional rollercoaster, anyone? Remember the highly successful therapy session I had two weeks ago? It didn't take me long to come crashing down after this, to be exact it took only about 5 hours. I mentioned it in the post, blaming it on the sugar, but I guess that it wasn't just that.

I get super-excited and happy about something and inevitably come crashing down again. The better I feel, the harder I will crash. Mostly, reality kicks in at some point and I am left with a more realistic view of things. Today I wanted to talk to who feels like my only real friend right now and I couldn't reach her. Silly, I know, because she has her own life and she doesn't sit next to the phone, waiting for me to call. Usually, when I don't reach her, she'll text me back to tell me to try calling again or when she's finished with her classes or something. Today, she didn't. It made me realize that I depend on her too much. About two years ago, I swore to not depend on one person solely, because that hardly ever ends well. But there was no one to call tonight, so I pretended that I was fine and did my thing to try and make myself feel better.

I talked to two friends at class today, telling them about my plans to stop studying here and move away. I told them about an option that had arisen, but that wasn't anywhere near to certainly coming true. Both were excited for me, even though they were sad that I was leaving. I fended off their excitement, almost overwhelmed. I can't have them get excited over something that might not happen, because it will be disappointing enough for me. I can't handle thinking that they will be disappointed as well, even though they would be disappointed for me.

I'm trying to figure out what I really want. What is it that I really want to do right now? I thought that I would enjoy being an au-pair and that it would be a great experience, but when I got there it wasn't. One huge part was that the chemistry with the family and especially with the mother simply didn't work. But another part was that as I got there and started living that life, I realized that it wasn't for me.

When I started to study, I knew that this was only my second interest. My passion is Hollywood, no doubt about it. I thought that I couldn't study anything that would get me there so I studied the next best thing, thinking that I would enjoy it. I got here and got settled in and while I love living with my roommates and being independent, the studies aren't the right thing for me.

I fear that I'll try my hand at something new and different and won't like it either. What if I can't find what will make me happy? What if I can't be happy, even if I have all I need to be happy? Am I unhappy because of the situation I am in? Or am I the problem? At times I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Why do I keep flying so high over something only to come crashing back soon after? Is the high worth the crash? As I'm crawling around, picking up the pieces, I think it isn't. But is there any way to avoid the crash? Because when I'm in that moment, I can't avoid the high. It feels too good.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You know that I rly love your blog.
It seems that we are in a very similar situation right now and I absolutely can understand your emotional roller coaster! I hope that next year things will turn for the better for both of us. Maybe we grasp at straws but sometimes it's better than nothing! Hope against hope!