I received an interesting comment on my last post. And by interesting, I mean laughable. I shouldn't even give any attention to it, but it made me laugh. Someone, of course not bold enough to leave their name, left the following comment on my last post:
"You're kind of pathetic. Have you no life outside of your homosexuality?
Gaygaygaygaygay. Get a life."
Okay, so first: I'm just kind of pathetic. Well then, I have nothing to worry about. Who cares about kind of pathetic?
Second: No, I don't have a life outside of my homosexuality. Do you have a life outside of your heterosexuality? Because if you do, I'd think you're not as straight as you think you are.
Third: You leave comments on blogs you shouldn't even *want* to read in the first place. Who's the one without a life?
Fourth: Fuck off.
That's all. Have a nice day, whether you're gay or straight!
The last week has been a bit crazy and slightly stressful, but who cares? I am going to go visit my girlfriend - finally! We had a few plans to meet, which unfortunately fell through, but now we managed to work something out. It's not perfect, but who wants perfection? Certainly not me. I just want her.
Okay, I'll be less cheesy now. Since I'll already leave Wednesday (Oh. My. God. Right?), the blog will unfortunately be slightly deserted again for a while. I still have so much stuff to do, but I hope to post once or twice before I leave, and maybe once from Chicago.
Anyways, today I took the toefl test and it went okay. I'm not perfectly content with my performance, but it should be good enough. This is just one more step to me being able to study in The United States of Awesomeness. Too much? A little? Hm....
I've kinda been waiting on that for a while. Portia on Ellen! I used to wonder how they would deal with the weird interviewer/interviewee situation and I think they did a great job. It was less of an interview and more of a conversation, but I think that this was actually the best way to do the show. We all know that they are married, so why should they pretend that it were any different?AfterEllen obviously blogged about the previews and the actual show.
Just in case you haven't seen them yet (how come?), here are all the videos:
Preview No. 1
Preview No. 2
Practice Interview
'Aw Snap' Extended Scene
Interview Part 1 "Are you enjoying being married ... To me?
I love how her Aussie accent came out when she talked about the woman who didn't know her.
My brother is almost 10 years older than I am and growing up, the age difference was always a problem. We didn't really have much of a relationship and to him I was always the annoying little sister. He moved out when I was around 10 and I have basically almost no memories of him as my older brother.
This week I went to visit him and to see my nephew (so cute!) and was pretty much disappointed by the whole thing once again. We don't fight or anything, yes, we do tease each other and banter each other, but basically, we get along. Only, he is so much not interested in me or my life that it just makes me really sad. I asked him a few things, about his job and we talked about which car they are going to buy and stuff like that and not once did he ask me anything about my life. I think that probably the only thing he asked me was "How are you?" and that was it.
Yes, I realize that we are in different places in our lives, he just became a father and I'm at university, just starting to live my own life and be independent. But I still think that if I can be interested in his job, then he can also ask me how university is going. He went there too, it's not like my life is so much different to his 10 years ago, so he should be able to at least somewhat put himself in my situation. But he seems completely uninterested in that. I mentioned my girlfriend a few times, saying that I wasn't sure when I'd visit the next time because I didn't know when she would come visit, and he didn't ask me anything about her at all. In German, we don't have a word for girlfriend, so the basic distinction between friend and girlfriend is that you say 'A friend of mine' for friend and 'My friend' for girlfriend. I'm not sure if he has realized that I'm gay yet, I never really told him. But the fact that I'm talking about my friend in America, who will come visit me, should spark some interest, I would think. It's not like it's the most normal thing to have a friend on a different continent who travels that far mainly to visit you. I don't know if he's trying to deny the fact that she might be my girlfriend or something like that, but it just really annoys me that he so doesn't care. When I left he said "Thanks for visiting." and I felt like the whole visit was just one giant joke. We didn't really talk much, we played a boring strategy game and basically, his wife seemed ten times more interested in my life. The whole point of the trip was to visit my nephew, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him.
What hurts me the most is that there is nothing I can do. If he's not interested in getting to know his sister, he's not interested.
Women are crazy. 'How do you know that?' you ask. I know because I experience it first-hand. 'With whom?' you ask. With MYSELF, unfortunately. I feel so very sorry for all the straight men and lesbians out there, because if most women are like me, then that's exhausting. Not that I would want to date men, because ewww, but still. I always thought that I'd not be like one of those crazy stereotype Hollywood ladies who's just so into her leading woman that she loses her common sense. Well, think again.
So this whole falling-in-love-and-dating-the-best-girlfriend-in-the-world thing is obviously very awesome, even though it is difficult at times because we live so far apart. What is less awesome are the new behavioral patterns that I'm experiencing with myself. I am completely emotional, it seems even more than I was during puberty. Or, which makes more of a difference, I actually show my feelings way more than I ever have before (at least since I was a little kid). I try really hard to be open and honest with my gf, since she deserves that, and I truly believe that honesty in a relationship is very important. But this honesty also makes me very much vulnerable, which in turn makes me freak out over little unimportant things. Then I am way too much in my head and I can't get myself out of it, so my poor girlfriend has to deal with me aka the complete trainwreck.
I wonder how it is that your brain can very clearly tell you one thing and still your heart insists on the other thing. It's not that I don't know, it's just that I can't wrap my head - or actually, my heart - around the idea that certain things are actually as great as they seem and that's not going to change over night.
And sometimes, you just want to be told that you're loved and that everything is okay.
[Sorry if this is not making too much sense, but I somehow do value my privacy, so I'm not going to write what exactly happened. That's all you'll get, sorry!]
A few weeks ago my godmother and I went to see Doubt. I had pretty high expectations for the movie, since I'd heard so many good things about it and I have to say I was not disappointed. The storyline kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the whole movie and the acting was simply amazing.
What was most intriguing to me was the ending. The movie didn't leave you after you left the theatre, which is always something I really enjoy. My godmother and I both were convinced that we knew who was right and who was wrong. Only, she thought that the priest, Father Flynn, didn't do anything wrong, whereas I was certain that Meryl Streep's character, Sister Aloysius, was right to do what she did. It is really fascinating to see a story unfold, in which you can never be certain. You can never know for sure what really happened.
There were some scenes in which I felt like the creators of the story were trying to point the viewers into one or the other direction, but since there were scenes for both directions, it really was hard to figure out who you believed. The fact that the boy was supposedly gay did surprise, but also disturb me. Part of me felt like that there was this notion that it was okay for priest to come onto him since he was 'asking for it'. How his mother repeated 'It's only till the summer' was also unsettling, it seemed like she was putting her son's happiness in this moment away so that he could have a better future. Her despair to deal with the situation just shocked me, because really, what would you do in a situation like that. Women didn't have much to say at that time anyways, and as a black woman trying to just manage and not be a target of the racism that existed all around, I can imagine mothers actually reacting like that. Viola Davis did an absolutely amazing job at portraying that struggle so well you could actually feel her pain.
All in all, I think the movie raised some questions that every person will probably have to face in his life. What do you do, when you don't know for sure? How do you deal with uncertainty? Do you change your plans when in doubt? How much do you stand by your personal convictions? Certainly something to think about.
I finally went and saw Milk last night and I absolutely loved the movie! I got goosebumps numerous times through the movie and the end almost moved me to tears. Since everyone already knows how it will end, they start out right at the end, with Harvey taping his last words in case he is assassinated. I think they did a great job with that, showing scenes of him taping himself where they fit into the storyline. I really, really wish I could have seen that movie in English, because I just know that it would have been that much better.
The actors and actresses (or, more likely - actress) were really amazing and the chemistry between Sean Penn as Harvey and James Franco as his boyfriend Scott made their relationship seem so real and genuine. Alison Pill was absolutely adorable with her curly hair and she and Emile Hirsch were just so funny and likeable and cute. Josh Brolin, on the other hand, did an eerily good job at portraying the tormented character of Dan White, who had his world turned upside down and was completely unable to adjust to that.
What the movie in general did was give me a sense of community that I miss here. Yes, there exists a LGBT-community in my hometown, but it is mostly occupied with itself and its members. The community helps people come out, generally support its members and throws awesome parties, but there is little political activism. I would love to go out on the streets and demonstrate, like they did all over America because of Prop 8, but that's just not happening here. I really am disappointed that I was not able to be part of the opposition to Prop 8, because I would have just loved to go out there and demonstrate for equal rights. Just the way I would love to demonstrate for women's rights, not that these kinds of demonstrations take place here either.
During one or two scenes, the movie seemed a tad bit lengthy, which would be my only criticism. I wasn't really surprised by how few women were in the movie, but it still caught my attention. I'm going to guess and say that at that time, the Castro was mainly a gay district, as in mostly populated by gay men. Overall, I think Dustin Lance Black did a tremendous job with the screenplay (hence, the Oscar), there were just so many lines in the movie that resonated with me. I also have to repost Dustin's acceptance speech, since his words are such an important message.
If you haven't yet the movie yet, I can only say: What are you waiting for? Go, see it right now, buy it on DVD, support it any way you can. Because it's a great movie about a great human being, who just happened to end up fighting for his rights, doing an absolutely awesome job at it.
So the last episode of The L Word sucked. Majorly. And I don't really know how anyone is supposed to find closure after that. Except if you pretend that Season 5 was the last season, that might seem like a good idea.
BUT, I did really enjoy the 5 "Favorite Moments" clips on Sho.com. A few of the actresses talk about their favorite moments and memories from the show. All in all, The L Word naturally had a big impact on my life, no matter how disappointing certain episodes were and how much better it could have been. I will forever be grateful for the group scenes that showed their friendships and how they all supported each other. I feel like Ilene tried to recreate that to a certain extent in the season finale and failed miserably. So, very little closure, but oh well, it is what it is.
[I might post a few of my favorite scenes and pictures later this week, when I have more time.]
I've been listening to three songs ALL the time in the last weeks, so I thought I'd share the soundtrack to my days with you.
First off, I'm not a huge Lady GaGa fan, simply because I generally don't listen to Dance or whatever genre you would put her into. But damn, that woman has an amazing voice! I love her acoustic version of 'Poker Face', which has great lyrics as well. My favorite line? "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"
The next two songs have a certain emotional value to me, because I first heard them when my gf sang them to me on the phone. I'd seen and read about Taylor Swift, obviously, but I hadn't listened to any of her music up until my gf told me to. I really fell for two of her songs, 'Love Story' and 'You belong with me'.
I don't really listen to country-pop either, apart from Shania Twain, but I have to say that she's definitely talented.
I actually prefer 'You Belong with Me' over 'Love Story' because I like the lyrics and totally get what she's singing about, even when I haven't been in that situation myself.
There is this 'character' that Whoopi sometimes plays on the View that I think is pretty annoying and not that funny. Itstarts at around 3:40.
BUT, then I saw this interview with Drew Barrymore on Ellen and it clicked. There are actually adults who talk like that, which is even more annoying. Just as annoying as someone saying 'You know' all the time - I'm looking at you, Caroline Kennedy!
One more thing about the first clip: Why the hell is Sherri Shepherd talking about the economy? She obviously has no idea about any economic principles, I think it would do her good to either talk to someone who actually knows something about this subject or to just not say anything at all. I really wonder why an accomplished woman like Barbara Walters offered Sherri that job. Sherri isn't really smart and instead of doing research to make up for it she just talks bullsh*t.
Remember when I wrote about the inner child after I started therapy? It seems I have already made some progress! I'm starting to really feel emotions again. I'm not saying that I didn't before I started therapy, but I have suppressed a lot of my emotions before. There are two reasons for that: One, I'm clearly a person who thinks rather than feels, most of the time.
Two, apparently I was brought up that way. I was told that my feelings weren't supposed to be what they were or that I shouldn't show them. I can clearly remember numerous people telling me "An Indian knows no pain" (Sorry for the literal translation, but this saying is very common here.), "Big Girls don't cry" or "Crying doesn't make it better either." I was told not to show that I was upset, sad or angry, because when you don't show your emotions, the people who cause them will stop doing what they are doing. My brother used to love to tease me and my mom always told me that if I didn't let him see that it upset me, he would get bored and stop. Yes, there are clearly situations in which not showing your emotions is the best course of action, eg when someone bullies you in school. But at home, which should be a safe place, you'd think it would be okay to cry or be upset.
I also learned that my really bad memory might stem from the fact that I was put into situations that were not age-appropriate. We traveled a lot when I was little and I hardly remember anything, maybe because it was too much for me. I know that there were certain things that were most definitely not age-appropriate, most of them having to do with my sister. Watching 'The Silence of the Lambs' at six/seven/eight (??) is just one example. I have been wondering for a long time why I don't seem to remember my childhood and this explanation actually makes sense. I don't even remember much from my junior highschool (10-14), which is the time in which my sister went through puberty and my parents fought almost daily over her. I can remember hearing them yell at each other for days on end, so that's definitely not a great family situation. While I realize that there are things that are way, way worse, it does explain some things, certain issues that I have.
That's all for now. I'm working through my past, trying to learn and get to the core of things. And I'm feeling again. Even if that means that I get really, really sad when I can't talk to my gf for almost a week, which sucks, but it's still progress and important. You take the good with the bad, I guess. And really, it can only get better from here on.
And a not-so-funny side note: I called my mom and asked her about the travels and whether she thinks I might have been overstrained and she said she doesn't remember. She asked me about my brother thought. Pretty much made it clear to me where her priorities are right now. Not with the child who's 'causing trouble', that's for certain.
All in all, I think the movie raised some questions that every person will probably have to face in his life. What do you do, when you don't know for sure? How do you deal with uncertainty? Do you change your plans when in doubt? How much do you stand by your personal convictions? Certainly something to think about.
