Feel

Remember when I wrote about the inner child after I started therapy? It seems I have already made some progress! I'm starting to really feel emotions again. I'm not saying that I didn't before I started therapy, but I have suppressed a lot of my emotions before. There are two reasons for that: One, I'm clearly a person who thinks rather than feels, most of the time.

Two, apparently I was brought up that way. I was told that my feelings weren't supposed to be what they were or that I shouldn't show them. I can clearly remember numerous people telling me "An Indian knows no pain" (Sorry for the literal translation, but this saying is very common here.), "Big Girls don't cry" or "Crying doesn't make it better either." I was told not to show that I was upset, sad or angry, because when you don't show your emotions, the people who cause them will stop doing what they are doing. My brother used to love to tease me and my mom always told me that if I didn't let him see that it upset me, he would get bored and stop. Yes, there are clearly situations in which not showing your emotions is the best course of action, eg when someone bullies you in school. But at home, which should be a safe place, you'd think it would be okay to cry or be upset.

I also learned that my really bad memory might stem from the fact that I was put into situations that were not age-appropriate. We traveled a lot when I was little and I hardly remember anything, maybe because it was too much for me. I know that there were certain things that were most definitely not age-appropriate, most of them having to do with my sister. Watching 'The Silence of the Lambs' at six/seven/eight (??) is just one example. I have been wondering for a long time why I don't seem to remember my childhood and this explanation actually makes sense. I don't even remember much from my junior highschool (10-14), which is the time in which my sister went through puberty and my parents fought almost daily over her. I can remember hearing them yell at each other for days on end, so that's definitely not a great family situation. While I realize that there are things that are way, way worse, it does explain some things, certain issues that I have.

That's all for now. I'm working through my past, trying to learn and get to the core of things. And I'm feeling again. Even if that means that I get really, really sad when I can't talk to my gf for almost a week, which sucks, but it's still progress and important. You take the good with the bad, I guess. And really, it can only get better from here on.

And a not-so-funny side note: I called my mom and asked her about the travels and whether she thinks I might have been overstrained and she said she doesn't remember. She asked me about my brother thought. Pretty much made it clear to me where her priorities are right now. Not with the child who's 'causing trouble', that's for certain.