Wednesday, July 9, 2008

"You seem to have settled in really well!"

That's what my mum said to me today. They are visiting for a few days and somehow, my mum realised that my "new" room is a real second home to me. I've been living in Innsbruck since October, that's 10 months. So yeah, I have settled in. Took me long enough. The funny thing is that my mum also said that I'm happy that they are visiting because I've been alone and therefore lonely a lot in the last few weeks here. I am happy that they are visiting. But I haven't felt lonely just because I was alone (my flatmates often go home for the weekend). That's a distinction some people just don't make. I realised quite a while ago that you don't have to be alone to be lonely. You can be with a group of people and still feel like the only human being on this planet of ours. You can also be completely alone in a large house and not meet other people in days and still not feel lonely (trust me, I've tried that and felt no need for any social contact what so ever). I guess some people are just never alone because they fear being lonely and therefore don't understand this distinction.

I need time for myself a lot. Maybe it's just because I've never been in a relationship and am therefore used to being on my own. But I really enjoy being on my own too, because I feel like I am more in touch with myself when I have some time in which I don't have to socialise. Because this is what it feels like for me sometimes: not like a want, but like an external pressure to socialise. I love my friends and family, but sometimes I really much rather be left alone than spend time with them. Maybe that's also because most of my friends aren't interested in what I am interested in and therefore I need time to process all the things that I can't talk about to my friends.

I wonder how much of that is me and how much of that is the situation I'm in. I guess this might make me a loner or a stranger (as in strange person), but honestly, I don't care most of the time. Any thoughts on that?

2 comments:

helene said...

i totally understand what you mean. like of course i do enjoy spending time with my friends and family, but sometimes it's really nice (and necessary) to be alone. and i need quite a lot of time for myself too. unfortunately the guys i share a flat with are at home almost all the time (or at least one of them is), so i get really moody sometimes... but they understand, i guess... or at least they're trying to... :D

polychromaticskies said...

"... because I feel like I am more in touch with myself when I have some time in which I don't have to socialise ... not like a want, but like an external pressure to socialise."

This completely nails how I usually feel. I don't know whether I should be scared or happy about it.