Sunday, September 14, 2008

Living in a bubble, all by myself

I'm alone a lot right now and I'm beginning to like it too much. I've been in Ibk for two weeks now and I met with two friends once for coffee right on my third day here and then we met again to watch 'Wanted', but we really only went to see the movie and didn't sit down to talk before or afterwards. So that pretty much sums up the social contact I've had in two weeks and I don't feel like I'm missing anything. Sure, I talked to a few people on the phone, mainly my parents, but a few phone calls aren't exactly a fulfilling social life to most people. Seems like once again, I'm not like most people.

My summer wasn't as recreative as I had hoped it would be and right now, I'm really revelling in the free time I have on my hands. I should be preparing for my exam, which I am, but I could easily do more, study harder. The thing is - I'm really wrapped up in myself right now and in just being. Just existing. And I love it. I could sit in front of my computer and surf the net and watch TV all day and just *be* and I wouldn't mind one bit. In fact, some days the thought that I should pick up the phone and call my grandma to say hi or that I should reply to that email that has been sitting in my inbox for a week waiting for a reply seems too much. It seems too much to force myself to be sociable and to write something someone else might be interested in. Sometimes, it even seems to much to just reply to a text message.

I'm generally really drawn to those characters on TV that really don't care about other people (eg House). I think I would be like that if I didn't have any manners. I have great manners and I know how to behave in social situations, but mostly I don't even really like interacting with others. It seems very much like work and a duty and like something that I do because that's what you do. Sure, there are times when I meet with friends and have a great time and great conversations when I just enjoy the company of others. But then there are times when I just don't have anything to say and I'd very much rather be left alone with my thoughts. That's why I like this blog. I don't write it for others to read but I write to get the thoughts out of my mind. Basically, I'm having a conversation with myself and if someone chimes in, that's really nice, but if not it's just as fine as well.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I don't have holidays all the time and I don't have the flat to myself most of the time. When I was at home this summer, I worked for one month and at work, I had to be on my best behaviour. So all my 'social' energy went towards being friendly and courteous and attentive and my mood at home in the evenings wasn't really that great. My mum was really disappointed because she wanted to spend time with me and talk and do stuff and I just really wanted to be left alone. I knew that I wasn't exactly friendly most of the time but I just couldn't help myself.

I don't know why I like being alone so much and why I don't crave human contact. I don't know what will happen once I have to leave my bubble and go back to the real world. If you happen to be one of the people waiting to hear from me then I'm sorry, I will write back eventually, I just don't feel like I CAN right now. In rare moments I wonder how psychologically healthy it is to completely cut myself off from the world but then again, I feel really good. I feel like I'm not stressed out right now and the internal turmoil has finally calmed down a bit, which is a great relieve. Now I'll just hope that I can transition that feeling back into the real world in which I'm forced and also happy to interact with other human beings.


Anonymous said...

could it be that you like cutting yourself off from others because you actually wanna have one person very close? someone who understands you and does not need too many explanations from you? because when you are in an environment where you have to interact, I often find myself to be looking for someone so i am trying to be superfunny/ironic/sarcastic, amiable and insightful because there just might be that special someone there. but maybe that's more my problem and not yours .. have a good week!

Nelfy said...

I wish I had that one person that gets me, but I don't. so maybe I cut myself off because I don't have that person, if that was your point!?! I really don't know why I do what I do, I just know that I enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

yfzyeah, that is kinda what i meant. the way I wrote it sounds a bit rude to me now, sorry. everyone is the way they are and if you like being for yourself, that's all good. one just has to be careful not to drift away too far from the real world but as you said, there is always university and other surroundings that 'force' you to interact ;) but I also enjoy being alone at times, sketching, surfing the internet etc.

CMF said...

what's the problem again? why the bad conscience?
I mean, if sometimes you need to be alone because interacting with people stresses you out, and if you like to be by yourself, then your friends and family should accept that because it's part of your personality.
so you're not like most people? say what?! seriously, who wants to be like most people anyway? =)


Berta said...

Du sprichst mir so was von aus der Seele. - Mir gehts in den letzten Wochen/Monaten genau so. Ich denke, das ist auch in Ordnung so - ein gewisses Minimum an Sozialkontakten sollte frau wahrscheinlich doch auch durch diese Zeiten pflegen, so das "jemand da ist" falls man mal aus seiner Bubble raus will, aber nur nix ├╝bertreiben.

Nelfy said...

@cmf: I don't really have a bad conscience mostly, I mean it's bad that I take forever to write an email, but apart from that, no bad conscience. I just wonder how psychologically health my behavior is, that's all *shrug*