I've been thinking about that song and video more lately... This video is one of my favorite videos of all time, for various reasons. That's all I'm going to say for now.

So much sleep

Last night, after I had written the previous post and cried a little, I went to sleep nap at about 6.30 pm. I woke up at about 5.30 am because my girlfriend was crawling into bed as well. We talked for a while, but fell back asleep at around 7 and finally got up at about 10. That makes around 13 hours of sleep. To say that I was lacking that sleep in the last two weeks is an understatement. You don't just sleep 13 hours just like that. I was mentally exhausted and think I still am a little, but I guess watching 'Precious' today did not necessarily help with that. I'm still here, I'm just not quite there right now. Off to bed now.

Birthday and the holiday season

Last week I had my first birthday away from home, even though it did not really feel that way, since my dad was here on a visit. I feel like birthdays are something that suck to be celebrated, because they are only actually important to the person whose birthday it is. Nobody ever really cares as much about your birthday as yourself, or maybe your parents. I never had anyone plan a party for me, even as a kid I planned most of it myself, and the older I got, the less fun were the parties. It was always a hassle to try and get everybody together and to find something fun to do and I just started not really liking my birthday anymore. Yeah, I got presents and money, but in recent years it just always seemed like a disappointment, especially last year when my brother and his wife visited on the day of my birthday and so everything was about them and the baby.

This year, I had class and so inbetween classes we went to eat and to the beach, but it wasn't much fun because I was torn between paying attention to my dad and my girlfriend and some stuff that was going on. At night, I went to dinner with my dad, but he didn't want my girlfriend to come with us so it kinda sucked. It was his last day here and I was a bit relieved because I just had too much going on and didn't need him butting into my business and telling me what to do/how to live my life. I got exactly one surprise gift from my parents, which was this little book with political satire that I don't really care about. Yes, I got many presents - a jacket, pair of jeans, new sneakers and a book - but I chose all of those and except for the book those were all things I actually needed. My dad said that the trip we went on was also part of my presents and he kept insisting on the fact that *he* would not have gone to Las Vegas or LA if it had not been for me. I would not have gone to Las Vegas either if it had not been for him visiting, because I had a lot of homework to do over the Thanksgiving break (and by a lot I mean about 25-30 pages of essays and term paper for English) and I would have not been sad had I stayed home all Thanksgiving break. I would have actually enjoyed spending some quality time with my girlfriend, thank you very much.

I know that I sound like a bratty, unthankful kid, but truthfully, I'm not missing my parents that much, like I already said, and there is a part of me that didn't want him to come visit because I just had too much going on and I would have been fine not seeing him till June. As for everybody else, I got birthday emails, but only two birthday cards - from my sister and my grandma - and I don't know if that is because some people didn't have my adress or something like that but I was a bit disappointed. I got presents from my sister, but nothing from my aunt and my brother forgot that I exist alltogether.

Now Christmas is approaching fast and the only thing I feel like doing is sleeping and watching TV. I am completely exhausted from my first semester at College and everything else that had been going on and it just doesn't seem like December to me at all. Even though it is colder now, California is nowhere near as cold as Austria and all the small things I like about christmas in Austria just don't exist here. The decorations here are so corny and there are no christmas markets to go to to drink hot wine punch and freeze your ass off. The athmosphere is different here. If I had my own place to live, I could easily get into the spirit by decorating everything nicely and having a tree and all the little things that make you get into the mood, but I don't so I can't. I'm already hating christmas and we're still so far away from it being over.

This is a really depressing post, I'm sorry about that, but that's how I feel, so there you have it.

I need a holiday!

I wish I could say life is good. Life is busy, that is what it is for me right now. For thanksgiving break, my dad came out to visit. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that we went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, among other places. It was nice to see him, but I did not miss him that much beforehand and would have probably been able to go till June without missing him too much. I skype with my parents on a fairly regular basis, so I don't really miss them all that much. Which I see as a good thing, I am old enough to not emotionally depend on my parents anymore, even when I financially do. And then again, I am most certainly a mommie's girl, so I probably would have enjoyed her visiting more. So I spent part of my vacation with him wishing he hadn't come so that I could have stayed at home, done all of my homework and spent some quality time with my girl.

What really bugged me is how he was trying to get into my business, telling me what to do. I have written about it before, my living situation more than sucks right now. Technically, I could afford to live in a room of my own with roommates, but then I would not be able to live with my girlfriend. He basically told me that me having a nice room is more important than living with her, as I don't *have to* spend all my time with her, according to him. I told him that first of all, it was my business, and second of all, I want to spend all my time with her. I told him that I had been alone all my life and that I did not want to be alone anymore, even if my girlfriend and I fight from time to time. Okay, more than that, but that's not the point. I think he totally did not understand what I was talking about. I think he has no idea how hard it was for me to be all alone and how I secretly hoped and wished for someone to love me the way I am. Anyways, basically I told him that it was my choice and that I would do what I think is right for me. What my parents probably don't realise is that with trying to get into my business and decisions, they just distance themselves way more than any ocean could ever distance people.

My parents only want the best for their children, which unfortunately translates into them not letting us make our own mistakes, or what they view as our own mistakes. They still try and get into my brother's business all the time, when he is 31. They tell us it is our choice, but they make damn sure that we know what they think we should do. I don't want them in my relationship, I have never talked to them about people I liked before and I will not consult them for advice now either. I would not tell them if I had a bad fight with my girlfriend or if something was up, so I will also not let them tell me what to do when I specifically never asked for their advice. I think I am old enough to make my own mistakes. I don't think that I am making a mistake, as I am weighing the pros and cons very carefully and the pros outweigh the cons by A LOT the way things are right now, but if I were making a mistake it would be my right to do so on my own. The worst that can happen is that I don't feel great living where I am and that I would be looking for a different place to live, but I highly doubt that that will happen, even if the situation is not great.

As of right now, we are still living with my girlfriend's uncle, but we found a nice place we like. We will probably move in with my girlfriend's mother, which is something I am not necessarily exited/happy about, but that way we can have our own bedroom, our own space, and we will be together. I am fully aware that this situation is nowhere near perfect, but it is the only solution right now. I don't want to not live with my girlfriend, so having to live with her mother is more than worth it. Now let's all cross our fingers and toes that we will actually get this apartment and then we'll see. Until then, I will tell my parents that it is infact really, truly, my choice and that I don't want to hear what they have to say because they have said it before and it is getting old.

This is a rant!

So don't read if you're not interested, which I would totally understand. I've tweeted about my living situation and how I recently moved in with my girlfriend and her uncle - into a one-bedroom apartment. As you can imagine, this is not exactly perfect - or should I say it sucks? Yes, rent is cheap, but we live in the living room, which isn't huge and we sleep on an airbed. We have almost no privacy and no space to call our own. We want to move into a condo but can't afford even the cheapest place because my girlfriend can't get a job - stupid economy!! - and her mom is barely supporting her enough to feed her. Her parents basically both don't care what happens in her future or at least they don't show their care because neither of them truly supports her, so I do my best, but I have limited means available as well. My parents pay for my school and living expenses, but with paying for part of my girlfriend's groceries I spend almost all the money they give me for necessities. My girlfriend and I fight about money, because we don't have any, and we fight because we don't have the space the give each other some space.

I know that I should be grateful that I have a place to live and that my parents are providing for me and that I don't go to bed hungry, but this situation is slowly starting to eat me up. I don't know how much longer my gf's uncle will let me stay here and I don't know what will happen once he tells me to move out. I literally don't have anywhere to go. I grew up in a nice house and when I move out I moved into this huge room in an apartment that I shared with two other girls where I had lots of privacy and lots of space. I don't really want to move in with roommates, as my girlfriend will not be able to stay over very often and then we won't be able to see each other on a daily basis, which is what we are used to. Because of all the homework, we barely have time to spend any quality time together, and I really don't want to spend any of the little time we have apart. The only solution that seems like a good idea right now is to move into a two-bedroom apartment with her uncle, as he then would be paying her rent. But as of right now, he can't afford to move and he also doesn't seem really willing to move, as he has lived in this apartment for years and we could possibly move someplace else within 5 years. Then, he might have difficulties paying rent in a bigger apartment and what would he do with a 2-bedroom. I understand why he is reluctant, I totally do, but this is just the only solution I have. This is my plan. I don't have a plan B, all I have this or nothing. My girlfriend and I have discussed this issue multiple times in the past days and there just doesn't seem to be a solution. Unless one of us mysteriously wins the lottery or inherits a large sum of money, we will probably still be living in this apartment a year from now.

The situation sucks, I don't know what to do, and I've never been in a situation like this before in my life. I know that a lot of people go through hard times, but with trying to keep up with my homework, trying to get a 4.0 GPA and having a healthy relationship, I just feel like I don't have the energy to figure out what to do. I've been ignoring this problem since the day I moved in here and the longer I live here the harder it gets to ignore the fact that living like that is, quite frankly, below my standards. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled little child, but I've always had my own bed and my own desk and a dresser and even when I shared a room with my sister - for a whole 13 years - I had more space and more privacy. At least then, I could always go into a different room.

The history of hip-hop in 5 days

Dear god, it appears I'm trying to kill myself. With school very obviously kicking my butt, I kinda, maybe, perhaps, sorta, might have overlooked the fact that I should be reading 4 books for my English class and that I had only started reading 2. Yes, I could have chosen to not start with the one that is 'due' tomorrow, but instead chosen a different book (we get to choose 3 books out of 5), but I had this grand idea that if I can read a 700-page Harry Potter in a day I'll be able to read a 460-page book about hip-hop in a weekend. Well, it seems having to do laundry, dishes, cooking and other random things that need to be done around the house diminishes your ability to read for 8 hours a day. So I still have to read about 80 pages before tomorrow. Yeah, I am crazy, but hey, I have already read too much to give up now. Luckily, I don't have to do a presentation about the book, I just have to hand in my reading journal, which I have been working on while reading, and take part in the discussion.

Still, it seems like I am trying to kill myself by reading too much. Funny, really, as our English teacher keeps mentioning how she thinks we read too much. Ya think? Anyways, I will be able to finish by tomorrow, I'm just not going to get too much sleep. Not that I'm not used to that by now. The book is fairly interesting, but it has slightly too many names and terms in it for it to be an easy read. If I'm having a hard time reading it, then so will most people in my class, based on the fact that most of them hate the book we all have to read and I think of it as really interesting ('1968: The Year that Rocked the World', by Mark Kurlansky, in case you were wondering). I'm already wondering how much of the information I will actually be able to retain, but we will see in my discussion tomorrow.

As for now, I have to go back to reading, so that I can get at least some sleep. More on this will follow soon...

Oh. My. God.

School is seriously kicking my butt!! I am so busy all the time, I don't have time to do anything apart homework, get groceries and spend some little time with my girlfriend. So far I'm getting good grades - only one B so far - but I just hope that with me not having enough time for speeches and essays that my grades won't slip.

That's all. Not much for now, but I just don't have time to post right now. I'm enjoying my time here, I hardly miss home at all and things with the girlfriend are good, even if we quarrel sometimes. But overall it's good, so I'm happy.

The curse of terrorism

[I wrote this review for my class, it got published in last week's paper - *yay*.]

The German movie „The Baader Meinhof Complex“ – currently showing in the Hillcrest cinema – relives the crimes of a terrorist group called ‘Red Army Fraction’ (RAF), active in Germany between the 1960s and the 1990s. Andreas Baader and Ulrike Meinhof were the two most prominent leaders of the RAF and saw themselves as revolutionaries in ‘the police state West Germany’. Their generation, born during or right after World War II, was hell bent on not letting something even remotely similar to Hitler and the Nazi Regime happen again and found the German society to be a prisoner of capitalism and a politically motivated press. Their criminal activities cost 34 lives and left hundreds injured. The movie successfully shows what terrorism can do to a country, but also what it does to the terrorists and how their fanaticism ultimately lead to their self-destruction.

To an Austrian, numerous of the actors are familiar faces. The roles were well-cast and the actors did a terrific job at portraying multi-faceted, some-what afflicted characters. Moritz Bleibtreu (‘Munich’), Martina Gedeck (‘The Good Shepard’), Bruno Ganz (‘The Reader’), Hannah Herzsprung and Heino Ferch are all household names in German cinema and theatre. Showing Baader’s anger and fierce commitment to the cause, Bleibtreu’s acting stands out. Bruno Ganz plays the head of the Federal Criminal Police Office with a spooky calm, understanding how and why the terrorists operate so well even his subordinates are worried. The movie is definitely European, maybe even noticeably German – and not just because of the language! Nudity and violence are portrayed differently to American movies, almost in a matter-of-fact way. The violence is not glorified nor hidden, but rather shown for what it was. The style and setting sets ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ apart from how American’s show their history on film. America’s film society recognized the movie for its excellence with one Golden Globe nomination and one Academy Award nomination for ‘Best Foreign Language Film’ in 2009.

Watching the movie almost seems as if it was supposed to be a two-parter. Even though the two thematic halves were closely related, the feel and setting are distinctively different. Running at 2 hours and 30 minutes, one is aware of its length. ‘The Baader Meinhof Complex’ might have left more of an impact on viewers had the two parts been separated.

Being a true story, the movie succeeds in mixing real news clips from that time with the fictional material. In some scenes, the viewers are placed inside the characters emotional world so well, one cannot help but feel either sympathetic or antagonistic towards the terrorists. An interest in German history or terrorism in other countries makes this movie worth watching, even if it is long-winded at times.

Happy National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day. I have struggled with coming out and am still uncertain when to refer to my girlfriend as my girlfriend and when to say 'my best friend'. I hate, hate, hate lying about our relationship, but sometimes it is just difficult to be perfectly honest. All I know is that being out and open is important for our community, which is why I try to be out as much as I possibly can and why I joined the LGBT-club on campus.

Being out is difficult. Every member of my community knows that and has encountered some kind of discrimination. But as AfterEllen's tag-line states 'Because visibility matters' - visibility does matter. So come out to your family, your friends and be open - as much as you can!

Review of 'Julie & Julia'

Since I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' as an honors class, I am required to write at least 4 movie reviews. The main purpose is to supply the student newspaper with content, but it is not garantueed that every review is also printed. My first review got printed, so I'm pretty excited about that. The editor changed the title because it was too long and some minor details, but here is the edition that I handed in:

Julie, Julia and the lack of creativity

Meryl Streep probably is the best actress of our time – 15 Oscar nominations and 2 wins speak for themselves. Unfortunately, some of her movies question her choice in roles. ‘Julie & Julia’ is one of those movies.

‘Julie & Julia’ is the story of Julia Child, an American who learns how to cook in Paris, and Julie Powell, an office worker who escapes her world by cooking Julia Child’s recipes. Among the well-chosen cast are Meryl Streep as Julia, Amy Adams as Julie, the great but underused Stanley Tucci as Julia’s husband, the hilarious Jane Lynch and quirky Mary Lynn Rajskub. The acting is solid throughout the movie, but there is only so much actors can do when the material isn’t quite right.

Solid seems to be the theme of this movie – the acting is solid, the music is solid, the storylines are solid, but nothing stands out. It seems as if the writers, directors and editors hadn’t taken any risks and thereby made the movie boring. With its 2 hours and 3 minutes, the movie does not progress as swiftly as it could. Numerous storylines are briefly mentioned – a wedding, a divorce, unsupportive friends, the wish for a baby – but then not touched upon for the rest of the film. This frustrates the viewer, who could have done without these storylines and wouldn’t have missed them at all.

Nora Ephron, who co-wrote and directed ‘Julie & Julia’, was certainly another reason why viewers saw the movie or had high expectations of it. ‘When Harry Met Sally…’, ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘You’ve Got Mail’ are all classics either written or written and directed by Ephron. However, looking back at her last movie, ‘Bewitched’, it almost seems as if she has lost her magic as a filmmaker.

The movie offers a few laughs and a few heartfelt moments, but fails to draw the viewer in completely. Amy Adams is adorable, even through her flaws and breakdowns the audience can’t help but like Julie. Meryl Streep’s acting is consistently great, but Julie & Julia doesn’t allow her to show her skills.

Had the movie been shorter by 30 minutes, viewers might have thoroughly enjoyed watching the story unfold. However, no character or storyline stood out and this movie-going experience will probably be forgotten by many as soon as they leave the theatre.

I'm still alive!

Hard to believe, I know! My live has been so busy, I don't think I have ever been this busy in my whole life.

I flew to California over 7 weeks ago. I had to look for a roommate, which was one epic fail, as I did find one but a crappy one. Right now, I'm staying with my girlfriend and her uncle, which on the one hand is a good thing because I'm living with my girlfriend, on the other hand I don't really know how long I can stay here. So I'm looking for a room again. School started four weeks ago and so far I really like it. I'm taking a class called 'Introduction to Cinema' and I love it! We watch a movie each week and even though I didn't like the movie's we have watched so far that much it still is a really interesting class.

Things with my girlfriend are going great, we have our ups and downs but we are definitely happy with each other. It has taken us some time to transition from not seeing each other at all to seeing each other almost or all of the time, but we're getting into the groove now. We're both really busy with school, so we don't always have that much quality time to spend together, but at least we see each other every day.

That's pretty much it for now. Sorry if this seems jumbled and that I haven't posted for so long, but that's life, I guess.

Update on my life

As you all can imagine, there is a lot going on in my life right now. A very short update on what exactly is happening:

• My visa was approved and I already got my passport back.
• I've started getting ready to pack, sorting through all of my stuff and deciding on what to take and what to leave here.
• Today, we had a family party with all of my family here and I said goodbye to my aunt, uncle and cousins.
• Tomorrow, I'm having my farewell party with my friends, we'll play games in the afternoon and go out for dinner, maybe for drinks afterwards.
• I'm starting to get really excited, even though I don't even really have time to be excited because there is still so much to do.

That's it for now.

Emmy nominations!

As I've mentioned before, I really like award shows! Today, the 2009 Emmy Nominations were announced and I'm already excited because I will be able to watch the Emmies live and not in the middle of the night! I have to admit that I don't actually watch too many of the shows that are nominated, but I was actually pleased that 'Grey's Anatomy' wasn't nominated for an award. I think this reflects the poor quality and writing that about half of season 5 was. I am, however, very happy that both Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson are nominated, because those two actresses kick ass on screen! I wish they had considered Brooke Smith, but she was only in 7 episodes and so I can see why they didn't, even though she was FREAKIN' AWESOME in those 7 episodes.

I'm also very excited about Kyra Sedgwick and Toni Colette being nominated as 'Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama/Comedy Series'. I am keeping my fingers crossed for Toni Colette because she showed so many facets of her great talent in 'United States of Tara'. I can't believe I haven't posted about my love for USoT and Toni in it before.

The other nominations that made me smile and go *YAY* are: Tony Shalhoub for Monk (I can identify with him so much), Hugh Laurie for House, Cherry Jones for 24 (I haven't seen her in it, but DYKE!! That just makes me happy, a lesbian playing the first female president.), 'Real Time with Bill Maher' in the new category 'Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series' along with 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report', 'Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List' and 'Kathy Griffin: She'll Cut a Bitch' (Love her comedy specials, she sometimes goes a little far on her show, but she's funny anyways).

So that's my Emmy excitement for now. Let's hope for pretty dresses and for at least one of the Grey's Girls to win the award this year - since both have been nominated before (Oh 4 times, Wilson 3 times).

Back home

Yesterday I moved from the town I've studied in for the last two years back home. It doesn't feel like I moved back home, since I will leave in exactly two weeks to go to California. I said goodbye to my friends there, which was very weird too. I haven't grasped the concept yet that I won't see them for at least 10 months. Two of my three best friends lived in that town and I know I will miss them. I really hope that we can stay in touch but at the same time I know how hard it is to talk about everything that's always going on in one's life when the other person is so far away. I created a second twitter account just so that I can keep my friends and family up-to-date and I'm thinking about creating a second blog, but I barely find the time/energy to update this blog as often as I would like. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how everything turns out.

Right now, I've mostly cleaned up my room and put everything away. There is a little mess in my room simply because I don't have enough storage to put absolutely everything away, but apart from that it's looking pretty good. I will start going through all of my drawers and cupboards to decide what to keep and what to throw out/sell, since I will not be able to take that much stuff with me. I made my 'packing-list' today and most of my suitcases will be filled with clothes and shoes and such. At least I get to take two suitcases with a total of 100 lbs with me. Those plus my two carry-on items will be A LOT to take care of, since I don't even weigh that much more than all of my luggage will. But I only have to get all of my luggage through customs in Chicago, where I will have to change planes. Oh my...

The idea that I'm not going to be home for 10 months and not see my family and friends still is a bit foreign to me. I can't wrap my mind around how I will feel, but I think that in situations like this it's always hard to know beforehand how everything will turn out. I know that this is the right decision and that I really want this and I will do everything I can to make it work. My therapist was certain that I was prepared as well as you can be for this huge change and that just makes me more certain.

I can't wait what will come my way, even if I can't really imagine it quite yet.

The Calm Before The Storm

Right now, I am still in the town I study in. I plan on moving Wednesday and have already moved part of my stuff. I wrote one exam today and will write another one Wednesday, but understandably I'm not very motivated to study. Once I've moved and am back home, I will have exactly two weeks until I get on a plane to my new life. Actually, I will only have 13 days, since I will arrive home late Wednesday and will have to leave for the airport early Thursday two weeks later.

As long as I am here, I still have a lot of time. There are numerous things I cannot organize yet and I can't do any of the packing yet either. My room here is already almost empty, all I basically have to do is put everything into my parent's car. It has been weird, today I went to dinner with one of my best friends and it was the last time that we really actually had time to talk. She might help me move a bit, but we will probably not see each other for a year after that. I really want to stay in touch with certain people from my life here, but I don't know what to expect as soon as I'm in California so it's hard to predict what will happen. I've been looking for a room in California, but so far nothing great has come up. It is really hard to find a room when I am here and the room is there.

As soon as I'm home, I will start going through all of my stuff, mostly my clothes and figure out what I'm throwing out, what I'm taking with me and what'll stay. I will be gone for about 10 months and I don't want to keep too much stuff if I'm not going to ever use it again. It will be hard to let go of certain things but I will try to not be too emotional, since the things will be in Austria and therefore out of my reach anyways. I will mostly keep winter clothing, since I don't need that in California - obviously - but I do plan on coming home for Christmas at least once in the next three years.

Normally, my life is very organized. I like making plans and lists and I am really bad at being spontaneous. Really, really bad. Right now, I cannot even plan ahead one month. I can think of all the things that I want, but I have no clue what they will exactly look like or even if I will have these things. I thought that when I got the acceptance email to college I'd be able to sleep better again, but so far I haven't been able to fall asleep at night at all because I have a million things going through my head. I really don't know what to expect and everything will change for me - way more than it did when I moved out.

I am certain that this was the right decision and I can't wait to start college and live my dream. But nonetheless, I'm a little anxious of how everything will work out in the next month. I expect problems and glitches, because you always have to expect those, but I just don't know what they will look like. I'm leaving my security net, that I've been living with for 21 years, behind. It is exciting, but also nerve-wracking. I guess we'll have to wait and see how everything turns out. I'm just not good at the patience-thing.

20 days

In 20 days,
I will hug her
I will kiss her
I will hold her

In 20 days,
I will study her face while she talks to me
I will fall asleep in her warm embrace
I will see her face light up as she laughs

In 20 days
She will hug me
She will kiss me
She will hold me

In 20 days
I will hold her hand again
I will look in her eyes again
I will feel her presence again

In just 20 days
My life will be complete again

Here we go again: Weight issues

So I lost some weight. The few people that I've actually admitted that to seem to think it's a significant amount, even though I said I'd lost less than I did. It didn't really take any effort on my part to lose it and I could probably stay at that weight if I tried to. Now that I know I will go to college in the States, my hunger has returned, big time. I'm in the middle of moving, so I'm burning a lot of energy and I haven't actually gained back much. The problem is that I still feel fat. I still hate my belly and I still wish I could just cut a few inches away.

So there are basically two options. Either I don't eat and can somewhat live with the knowledge that even though I have a belly, I don't weight as much as I used to. Or I can figure out a way to accept that if I wanted to have a toned stomach, I'd have to work out a few times a week and since I'm too lazy to do that, I'll just have to live with the belly that I have.

I'm going to California

"Going to California, yes
To resurrect my soul
The sun is always shining, shining
Or at least that's what I'm told
I'm going to California
Theres a better life for me, yes
Going to California
I'll write and tell you what I see
I'm going to California
Somebody say a prayer for me"

'Going to California' ~ Pink

"Take me to the place where the sunshine flows
Oh my Sunset Rodeo

Hot fudge here comes the judge
There's just a green card in the way
The Holy Ghost and the whole East Coast
Are moving to L.A.
'Cause we've been dreaming of this feeling since 1988
Mother things have got to change
I'm moving to L.A."

'Hot Fudge' ~ Robbie Williams (Well, not LA and no green card so far, but almost)

The last two nights, I cried over the uncertainty of my future. I was scared shitless that I wouldn't be able to move to the States and how that would affect my life. But today, I finally was told that I got into college in California! I
was so relieved and happy. There are a thousand things that I have to do and organize and orientation takes place not even a month from now, so I'll be super-busy. I think the news hasn't even really settled in, especially since I haven't booked a flight yet. But I am super-excited and just have to smile every time I think about it.

That's all for now, but there sure is more to come!

Pride Parade

Tomorrow, Austria's biggest (only?) Pride Parade will take place in Vienna. I've never been. In the last two years, something always came up and this year, I can't go either. I'm a little sad, but there is so much on my mind right now that it barely makes a difference. The only Pride Parade I've been to was in Amsterdam and it was pretty amazing. To be in a town full of LGBTQ people celebrating their identity is very empowering. However, I was with a friend and we didn't know anyone else and didn't speak the language, so we couldn't enjoy the parties at night as much as we would have in a group of people.

Looking at pictures from Pride Parades in San Francisco (Malinda Lo, Lesbian Dad) makes me really wish I could have gone too. I probably won't be able to go to any Pride Parades in the States next year, since if I'll be studying there I will be home in June. There's hoping that I'll be able to go to Vienna, but it's impossible to plan ahead a year right now.

So, to all the people going to the parade in Vienna - Enjoy Pride! I hope it doesn't rain and I'm with you in thought!

Quote of the Week

"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from."

The incredibly talented, smart and hot Jodie Foster

Weight

I've been obsessing about weight lately. My own weight, other people's weight, comparing the two, whatever you can think of. Luckily, I don't have a scale in my apartment, or I'd probably be weighing myself multiple times a day.

I've always had issues with my weight. I think that my parents did not instill a healthy relationship with my weight in me. I was always supposed to eat more fruit and veggies and exercise more. For the most part because I am naturally not a sports fan and certainly could do way more. I'm in a terrible shape at 21, even though I don't necessarily look that way. I also have medical issues with sugar and should not eat the amount of sweets that I eat. However, sweets have always been a comfort to me and when I'm stressed out, I need the sugar to kick me into full gear. I need the energy from sugar to keep going, because even the healthiest carbs don't cut it.

Lately, I've been trying to not gain weight because I know that the stressful times won't be over for another 2 months at least and I also know that my nutrition will change once I move to the States. I still hadn't lost the weight that I had gained when I graduated from high school and I always feel like I could lose a little weight. I think that's a thought most women probably share. I have a small build, I'm average height but my bones are definitely very slender. My fingers, arms and legs are naturally thin (my girlfriend says I have 'skeleton arms' - I can without difficulty touch my thumb to my pinkie around my wrist). The only places on my body where fat sits is on my belly and my breasts. I've always had issues with my belly and it was always the one body part that made me feel 'fat'. I try not to use that word and I really don't like it, but that's how I felt and still feel sometimes.

Since I knew that I was going to probably gain weight if I wasn't careful, I tried some reverse psychology on myself - and it actually worked! The way that I can depend on food to soothe me I can also not eat and be proud of myself for not eating. I realize the way I have lost some weight is not the healthiest, by far not, but right now it is the only way I can do it. If I don't lose weight, I will without a doubt gain it.

Numerous people have commented on my weight loss and even though I deny that I have lost weight, it still makes me feel good about myself. I don't even see it that much, the only part where I actually see it are my love handles. So far I have lost about 10 pounds, which really isn't that much, but apparently that already makes a difference. I notice that I can't eat as much at once anymore, because I'm not used to it. Here, in my apartment, where I cook and eat whenever I want to, it's easy to change my diet. At home, I have to eat with my parents at least once a day and even though I skip breakfast because I sleep almost till noon, I can barely eat the portions that my mom puts on my plate. I try to eat as many fruits and veggies as I can, which is also difficult at home because my mom buys what they like and I'm a picky eater.

A big bowl of watermelon or cucumber is more filling than one might think and since I generally don't cook meat it's really not that difficult to lose weight. I don't need carbs either, I like bread but I can go without noodles, potatoes or rice. I've been really lazy about cooking lately and that certainly also played a part in my weight loss. When you mainly eat fruits, veggies, bread and sweets it's hard to gain weight.

I know that I have to be careful and not overstep the line of obsessing about it too much. I've always said that I could not develop an eating disorder because I love food too much and I still believe that that's true. I'm just surprised by how easy it has been to lose 10 pounds, when I've not weighed that little in at least 3 years.

Taking care of my parents. Or not.

I spent 4 whole days at home this weekend and I'm honestly glad to get back to my apartment tomorrow. When I arrived Wednesday night, both of my parents were stressed out and not in a good mood. Thursday night was the good-bye event with former pupils at my parents' school since my dad is retiring. Friday afternoon I asked my parents if they wanted to go to the movies, because my dad had mentioned wanting to go see 'State of Play'. My mom completely exploded, complained about how she was so stressed out and just wanted to enjoy her evening at home and how she still had so many things to do and so on. The only reasonable thing I could do was get up and leave the room. Lateron, my dad came into my room and asked if we were going to go to the movies, because he had time. So the two of us went, as so often before, because my mom is too stressed out to watch a movie she isn't much interested in anyways. On the way to the movies my dad complained to me about how much my mom is stressed out and how he has to suffer from it, ultimately. I had to literally stop myself from saying something mean about it, so I just basically said nothing. I don't exactly remember, but somehow we changed the subject.

I know that I'm on the verge of adulthood and part of adulthood is seeing that your parents are only human too and not the superheroes we believe them to be when we are little. I know that having honest conversations about how they are doing are part of adulthood. But I have a lot going on in my life right now and I honestly feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at everything. I don't want to complain, because I choose to do what I'm doing and I'm really happy that I get to do this, but it's not easy. I haven't felt very supported by my parents, my mother repeatedly expressed her disapproval for my plans to emigrate and they did not help me plan any of this. My mother's support was to ask me if I had taken care of this, this and that and put pressure on me to do this and that, when I told her that I had everything under control and had already taken care of everything I could. Not very supportive, if you ask me, but rather getting on my nerves about things that are none of her concern anyways (eg I told her that I had taken care of my room in the town I study in and that the next tenant would sign the contract next Thursday. Today, she asked me about it, asking if I had talked to the landlord and so on. I had to explain to her again, that yes, I had, because we would all meet at the lawyer's office next Thursday. She has nothing to do with all of that and she shouldn't even think about it, because I already told her that I had taken care of it, yet she worries about it.).

My mom clearly isn't happy that I'm planning to move 4,500 miles away, but she has realised that she can't stop me. She can, however, make it clear that she disapproves and she did make it clear on numerous occasions. From what I gathered, she worked A LOT this year, partly to keep herself occupied so that she wouldn't think about me moving away. The thing is, I cannot take care of her. She's not that old yet and I'm not quite an adult yet and I can't have responsibility for her well-being. I just can't carry that load on top of everything else. When my mom was ill, I was just 15 years old and I felt like I had to do everything in my power to help her get better and to take care of her. For a very long time I was too considerate of her feelings. But now I'm making these huge changes in my life and it will be hard for me too. I will move to a different country with a different language and culture and I will miss my friends and family too. It's not like I'm moving away to get away from my family, I'm moving away because I cannot achieve my dreams here.

I don't even stand a chance saying how hard it will be for me because there is an 'easy' solution for that. If it is hard then wouldn't it just be easier to stay?

I don't want my mom to pretend that she's fine when she's not, but the way she is handling everything right now is just too fucking hard on me. Most of the time I don't even tell her when I'm not feeling well, I'm the one who pretends that I'm fine when I'm not. I get that she's stressed out, but she is the one who chooses to do all those projects that she doesn't have to do. She can just not do them or only do one and the only person who would notice the difference would be her. It is her choice and her decision and if she feels so stressed out then she should maybe take medication or go to therapy. Complaining about it to me will not change one thing about the situation. There isn't anything I can do. I know that I'm not causing that much extra stress. I avoid causing her any further stress as much as I can anyways already. I will move my furniture back home all on my own, just because she worried about it so much already that I got tired of it and said I'd do it while they are on holiday. That way she doesn't even have a chance to help and worry even more about it.

I also cannot worry about my parent's marital problems. When we were little my mom would ask us with whom we would want to live if they ever got divorced. Looking back I feel like that was just a cruel thing to ask. When my sister was going through a really difficult phase during her teenage years, my parents' marriage almost broke apart. I experienced that first-hand. I was about 10 years old when it started and while I had seen them fight before that, I wasn't used to those huge blow-ups. On some days I truly felt that they would be better off divorced. Sometimes all I could do was go to my room and turn up the music so that I didn't hear them scream at each other. Now I'm at the point where they will directly talk to me about their problems and I can't deal with that. What do they expect, that I can help them with their problems? I always tried to stay out of their fights, because I feel like no child should take one parents' side, unless there is violence or infidelity or something grave like that. My parents both make mistakes and I don't want to get into the middle of their fights.

I've talked about this a little in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to take care of myself and to say 'Stop!' to my parents, but so far I have not been able to. Tuesday will be my last therapy session and I'm scared because I feel like therapy is part of my support system and it was one hour that revolved only around me and I could talk about whatever I wanted to. I know that I will miss it and I don't know where I can get therapy again in America, especially since this therapy was free.

I know that my parents are getting older and I notice the changes and it hurts me. It hurts to have to watch certain things get worse, but there is nothing I can do about it. My mom will retire in three years and I hope that things will get better then. I just know that I cannot take care of them yet. They are not that old yet and I'm too young. I realize that since I still 'live at home' sometimes, I experience things first-hand that my siblings probably aren't even aware of, but I'm the youngest, by far, and I feel like I'm carrying the biggest load. Yes, my brother has a son now and his own family to take care of and he lives far away and my sister is still very much in the process of growing up and taking care of her own life, but just because I'm doing a good job at taking care of my life doesn't mean I can take on more.

Not one person in my family has asked me if I miss my girlfriend. My mother keeps asking about her, but not in regard to my feelings but things like 'Where is she now', 'Does she have a job',... My mom clearly isn't excited or happy about my relationship, for one because it's just one more thing that ties me to America. Secondly, my relationship makes her very aware of the fact that I'm gay and she clearly doesn't want anyone to know. I asked her who I wasn't allowed to tell about my girlfriend and basically she wants me to tell everyone what I have a friend in America. I am supposed to keep mum about my relationship to everyone they know. I don't know if my mom realizes that, but in the next 5 years, I will very likely get married to a woman. I will not lie about my marital status and I just don't get what difference it makes if I wait another 5 years to come out to some of their friends. They are friends with a woman that I'm good friends with too and I had to tell her that I have to keep things from her because my mother doesn't want people to know. I want to invite that woman to my wedding. My parents wanted my brother to think about inviting that woman. I hate lying to her. Yes, technically I'm 'just' keeping something from her, but I'm keeping my relationship and a big part of what makes me me from her, so I feel like I'm lying.

It hurts me that they are treating my relationship so differently to my sibling's relationships. Being so far away is really difficult, which is something my mother should know because my father studied in America for 9 months too when they were engaged. She must know that it's hard for me. Yet, she has not once asked me how I'm holding up. No, she wants me to deny and/or lie about the existence of the person I love.

Yes, I am somewhat glad that I can move away. I cannot take all of this anymore. I cannot be responsible for my parents' well-being. I cannot help them with their marital problems. I'm sick and tired of finding out about problems through other people. Why does everyone think it's okay to tell me about my parents' problems? I know that my father is forgetful and that it's getting worse the older he gets, but I don't need to be told about it. I don't need to be told that my mother is burying herself in work because she's unhappy about my decisions. I can't come home for the weekend because my mom is worried about my nephew and having me close soothes her. I have to take care of myself first. At 21, I am definitely too young to take care of my parents, especially since they are not actually sick. There isn't anything I could to to help them, except give up my own happiness. And I have been doing that for too long now.

[I didn't proof-read this post, because I'm already crying. So sorry for any mistakes.]