Thursday, August 14, 2008

An epiphany worth two years of my life

I had an epiphany last night. A lovely friend said something to me that made everything fall into place.

"I think you are ready for a real holiday, after the year you've just had."

Let me elaborate: I've been feeling restless and like I'm constantly running on adrenaline lately. Scratch that, I've been feeling like that for a long time. I know that I'm stressed out when I can't enjoy having nothing to do. The train rides between Innsbruck and home felt like torture because I couldn't just sit still for three hours. Even though I had plenty of things to do, even though I had my laptop with me to distract me, I still was internally pacing. Here's a short overview of what happened in my life in the last two years (because one year doesn't seem enough):

  • I had a stressful last year in high school
  • I felt ill for approx. 2 months
  • I went to numerous doctors (all specialists), who all told me I was perfectly healthy
  • One doctor told me that my energy balance is so off it doesn't surprise her that I felt ill
  • Said doctor told me to deal with it, because after two sessions it still hadn't improved much (and that's the doctor who normally works wonders with my health)
  • I passed my final exams with distinction
  • I left behind friends and teachers that still have a place in my heart
  • As my class had gotten into a huge fight with our form teacher (my first *huge* crush), I left with things not being okay between me and her
  • 4 days later I went on our 'final' trip with one ex-best friend and one best friend
  • I had a bad fight with my then best friend on the third day of our vacation
  • 2 days after I came home I started to work for a month
  • I had the whole month of August "off"
  • My parents were in Namibia for three weeks and I heard from them about 4 times, so I spent three weeks worrying about my parents
  • I cleaned up and sorted through all my stuff
  • I got ready to move to a different country
  • I moved to Belgium to work there as an au-pair
  • I moved back home after two weeks of hell
  • I decided, within three days, what and where to study
  • I moved to Innsbruck and got ready for University within two weeks
  • I moved to a town in which I didn't know anyone, started living with two complete strangers
  • I met new people and made friends, which was hard because I'm not sociable
  • I started to cook about 4-7 meals a week (I didn't cook before)
  • I struggled/still struggle with healthy eating habits and my weight
  • I did my own laundry, cleaned my room and our flat and basically did everything you have to do when you move out
  • I took care of all of my stuff, the things I didn't take care of are still unfinished
  • I lived three hours away from my parents and only saw them 3-7 days a month
  • I struggled with my parents getting older practically in front of my eyes (my dad has high blood pressure)
  • In my first term, I took French 1, English 2 and statistics, three very hard and time-consuming classes
  • I turned 20
  • I fell ill (angina) and just as I was about to get better, I fell ill again (sinusitis)
  • I went home while ill and on pain meds because I thought I was going to die alone
  • I prepared for and wrote 5 exams on one day - and passed them all!!
  • I took French 2 in my second term - which was about twice as much work as French 1
  • My brother got married
  • I failed an exam that I had found easy
  • I had two weeks of vacation in my hometown, filled with visiting family and seeing friends
  • I started work two weeks ago and it is boring me to death, which is as bad as being overstrained
  • What I want and what I have is worlds apart

Any questions why I feel exhausted?

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