Perez and Miss California controversy

First off, I have to say that I don't know much about the Miss USA pageant - I guess knowledge from Miss Congeniality doesn't really count - and I don't know how important the pageant actually is. That said, I still have an opinion about what happened during last weekend's event.

I think if you haven't read about that yet, watching Perez Hilton on Larry King will probably give you all the information you need.

I'm surprised by how Miss California answered the question, since her answer was just factually wrong. Americans do not have the right to choose between same-sex and 'opposite' marriage (is that really what it's called??)! There are only four states in which gay marriage is legal, so I wouldn't call that a choice. Four out of fifty. That's 8 percent. Approximately eight percent of the population has a choice, which I guess is about the same percentage of Americans who are queer. That is what really bothers me most, she has her facts wrong. It's not her opinion, it's her facts!

What I like most about this story is that Perez did a great job on Larry King, he seems professional and stands up for his and our rights. Yes, I wish he wouldn't call her any words, but apart from that, he comes across as well-informed and honest about his intentions. He can be really mean on his blog, but with this interview he did catch my attention as someone who deserves respect for how he stands up for the LGBT community.

Back from THE Trip

I've been back from America for a few days now, but still have some trouble really returning. The one word most fitting to describe the trip is: intense. We had so much fun, laughed and cried together, really got to know each other and now it just sucks being so far apart.

I learned quite a number of things about myself on that trip and am still somewhat processing everything that happened. I sleep a lot and try not to be too sad that I'm back here, all alone. I keep thinking about August and all the things that I still have to do before I can leave and go be with my girlfriend again. I can't wait to leave this country, it's hard to believe that I have to go to university for 3 more months here and put my energy into this.

I really don't have anything else to say. I miss her and I miss just being with her, doing the simple things like having dinner or watching tv or shopping for groceries and I can't wait to finally move there and be with her.

"You're kind of pathetic."

I received an interesting comment on my last post. And by interesting, I mean laughable. I shouldn't even give any attention to it, but it made me laugh. Someone, of course not bold enough to leave their name, left the following comment on my last post:

"You're kind of pathetic. Have you no life outside of
your homosexuality?

Gaygaygaygaygay. Get a life."

Okay, so first: I'm just kind of pathetic. Well then, I have nothing to worry about. Who cares about kind of pathetic?

Second: No, I don't have a life outside of my homosexuality. Do you have a life outside of your heterosexuality? Because if you do, I'd think you're not as straight as you think you are.

Third: You leave comments on blogs you shouldn't even *want* to read in the first place. Who's the one without a life?

Fourth: Fuck off.

That's all. Have a nice day, whether you're gay or straight!

Chicago, here I come!

The last week has been a bit crazy and slightly stressful, but who cares? I am going to go visit my girlfriend - finally! We had a few plans to meet, which unfortunately fell through, but now we managed to work something out. It's not perfect, but who wants perfection? Certainly not me. I just want her.

Okay, I'll be less cheesy now. Since I'll already leave Wednesday (Oh. My. God. Right?), the blog will unfortunately be slightly deserted again for a while. I still have so much stuff to do, but I hope to post once or twice before I leave, and maybe once from Chicago.

Anyways, today I took the toefl test and it went okay. I'm not perfectly content with my performance, but it should be good enough. This is just one more step to me being able to study in The United States of Awesomeness. Too much? A little? Hm....

Ellen and Portia cuteness

I've kinda been waiting on that for a while. Portia on Ellen! I used to wonder how they would deal with the weird interviewer/interviewee situation and I think they did a great job. It was less of an interview and more of a conversation, but I think that this was actually the best way to do the show. We all know that they are married, so why should they pretend that it were any different? AfterEllen obviously blogged about the previews and the actual show.

Just in case you haven't seen them yet (how come?), here are all the videos:

Preview No. 1



Preview No. 2



Practice Interview



'Aw Snap' Extended Scene



Interview Part 1 "Are you enjoying being married ... To me?

I love how her Aussie accent came out when she talked about the woman who didn't know her.

Interview Part 2 about 'Better Off Ted'



"I got you Babe" Bathroom Concert Series



Extended Scene from 'The Newlywed Game'

Brotherly love

My brother is almost 10 years older than I am and growing up, the age difference was always a problem. We didn't really have much of a relationship and to him I was always the annoying little sister. He moved out when I was around 10 and I have basically almost no memories of him as my older brother.

This week I went to visit him and to see my nephew (so cute!) and was pretty much disappointed by the whole thing once again. We don't fight or anything, yes, we do tease each other and banter each other, but basically, we get along. Only, he is so much not interested in me or my life that it just makes me really sad. I asked him a few things, about his job and we talked about which car they are going to buy and stuff like that and not once did he ask me anything about my life. I think that probably the only thing he asked me was "How are you?" and that was it.

Yes, I realize that we are in different places in our lives, he just became a father and I'm at university, just starting to live my own life and be independent. But I still think that if I can be interested in his job, then he can also ask me how university is going. He went there too, it's not like my life is so much different to his 10 years ago, so he should be able to at least somewhat put himself in my situation. But he seems completely uninterested in that. I mentioned my girlfriend a few times, saying that I wasn't sure when I'd visit the next time because I didn't know when she would come visit, and he didn't ask me anything about her at all. In German, we don't have a word for girlfriend, so the basic distinction between friend and girlfriend is that you say 'A friend of mine' for friend and 'My friend' for girlfriend. I'm not sure if he has realized that I'm gay yet, I never really told him. But the fact that I'm talking about my friend in America, who will come visit me, should spark some interest, I would think. It's not like it's the most normal thing to have a friend on a different continent who travels that far mainly to visit you. I don't know if he's trying to deny the fact that she might be my girlfriend or something like that, but it just really annoys me that he so doesn't care. When I left he said "Thanks for visiting." and I felt like the whole visit was just one giant joke. We didn't really talk much, we played a boring strategy game and basically, his wife seemed ten times more interested in my life. The whole point of the trip was to visit my nephew, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to him.

What hurts me the most is that there is nothing I can do. If he's not interested in getting to know his sister, he's not interested.

Women are crazy

[Basically, the headline already sums up everything you need to know. But for your reading pleasure, please do continue!]


see more Political Pictures


Women are crazy. 'How do you know that?' you ask. I know because I experience it first-hand. 'With whom?' you ask. With MYSELF, unfortunately. I feel so very sorry for all the straight men and lesbians out there, because if most women are like me, then that's exhausting. Not that I would want to date men, because ewww, but still. I always thought that I'd not be like one of those crazy stereotype Hollywood ladies who's just so into her leading woman that she loses her common sense. Well, think again.

So this whole falling-in-love-and-dating-the-best-girlfriend-in-the-world thing is obviously very awesome, even though it is difficult at times because we live so far apart. What is less awesome are the new behavioral patterns that I'm experiencing with myself. I am completely emotional, it seems even more than I was during puberty. Or, which makes more of a difference, I actually show my feelings way more than I ever have before (at least since I was a little kid). I try really hard to be open and honest with my gf, since she deserves that, and I truly believe that honesty in a relationship is very important. But this honesty also makes me very much vulnerable, which in turn makes me freak out over little unimportant things. Then I am way too much in my head and I can't get myself out of it, so my poor girlfriend has to deal with me aka the complete trainwreck.

I wonder how it is that your brain can very clearly tell you one thing and still your heart insists on the other thing. It's not that I don't know, it's just that I can't wrap my head - or actually, my heart - around the idea that certain things are actually as great as they seem and that's not going to change over night.

And sometimes, you just want to be told that you're loved and that everything is okay.

[Sorry if this is not making too much sense, but I somehow do value my privacy, so I'm not going to write what exactly happened. That's all you'll get, sorry!]

I have doubt. I have such doubts.

[Spoiler alert, as always.]

A few weeks ago my godmother and I went to see Doubt. I had pretty high expectations for the movie, since I'd heard so many good things about it and I have to say I was not disappointed. The storyline kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the whole movie and the acting was simply amazing.

What was most intriguing to me was the ending. The movie didn't leave you after you left the theatre, which is always something I really enjoy. My godmother and I both were convinced that we knew who was right and who was wrong. Only, she thought that the priest, Father Flynn, didn't do anything wrong, whereas I was certain that Meryl Streep's character, Sister Aloysius, was right to do what she did. It is really fascinating to see a story unfold, in which you can never be certain. You can never know for sure what really happened.

There were some scenes in which I felt like the creators of the story were trying to point the viewers into one or the other direction, but since there were scenes for both directions, it really was hard to figure out who you believed. The fact that the boy was supposedly gay did surprise, but also disturb me. Part of me felt like that there was this notion that it was okay for priest to come onto him since he was 'asking for it'. How his mother repeated 'It's only till the summer' was also unsettling, it seemed like she was putting her son's happiness in this moment away so that he could have a better future. Her despair to deal with the situation just shocked me, because really, what would you do in a situation like that. Women didn't have much to say at that time anyways, and as a black woman trying to just manage and not be a target of the racism that existed all around, I can imagine mothers actually reacting like that. Viola Davis did an absolutely amazing job at portraying that struggle so well you could actually feel her pain.

All in all, I think the movie raised some questions that every person will probably have to face in his life. What do you do, when you don't know for sure? How do you deal with uncertainty? Do you change your plans when in doubt? How much do you stand by your personal convictions? Certainly something to think about.

Milk

"I am Harvey Milk and I'm here to recruit you!"

I finally went and saw Milk last night and I absolutely loved the movie! I got goosebumps numerous times through the movie and the end almost moved me to tears. Since everyone already knows how it will end, they start out right at the end, with Harvey taping his last words in case he is assassinated. I think they did a great job with that, showing scenes of him taping himself where they fit into the storyline. I really, really wish I could have seen that movie in English, because I just know that it would have been that much better.

The actors and actresses (or, more likely - actress) were really amazing and the chemistry between Sean Penn as Harvey and James Franco as his boyfriend Scott made their relationship seem so real and genuine. Alison Pill was absolutely adorable with her curly hair and she and Emile Hirsch were just so funny and likeable and cute. Josh Brolin, on the other hand, did an eerily good job at portraying the tormented character of Dan White, who had his world turned upside down and was completely unable to adjust to that.

What the movie in general did was give me a sense of community that I miss here. Yes, there exists a LGBT-community in my hometown, but it is mostly occupied with itself and its members. The community helps people come out, generally support its members and throws awesome parties, but there is little political activism. I would love to go out on the streets and demonstrate, like they did all over America because of Prop 8, but that's just not happening here. I really am disappointed that I was not able to be part of the opposition to Prop 8, because I would have just loved to go out there and demonstrate for equal rights. Just the way I would love to demonstrate for women's rights, not that these kinds of demonstrations take place here either.

During one or two scenes, the movie seemed a tad bit lengthy, which would be my only criticism. I wasn't really surprised by how few women were in the movie, but it still caught my attention. I'm going to guess and say that at that time, the Castro was mainly a gay district, as in mostly populated by gay men. Overall, I think Dustin Lance Black did a tremendous job with the screenplay (hence, the Oscar), there were just so many lines in the movie that resonated with me. I also have to repost Dustin's acceptance speech, since his words are such an important message.


If you haven't yet the movie yet, I can only say: What are you waiting for? Go, see it right now, buy it on DVD, support it any way you can. Because it's a great movie about a great human being, who just happened to end up fighting for his rights, doing an absolutely awesome job at it.

Closure: The L Word Way

So the last episode of The L Word sucked. Majorly. And I don't really know how anyone is supposed to find closure after that. Except if you pretend that Season 5 was the last season, that might seem like a good idea.

BUT, I did really enjoy the 5 "Favorite Moments" clips on Sho.com. A few of the actresses talk about their favorite moments and memories from the show. All in all, The L Word naturally had a big impact on my life, no matter how disappointing certain episodes were and how much better it could have been. I will forever be grateful for the group scenes that showed their friendships and how they all supported each other. I feel like Ilene tried to recreate that to a certain extent in the season finale and failed miserably. So, very little closure, but oh well, it is what it is.

[I might post a few of my favorite scenes and pictures later this week, when I have more time.]

Soundtrack to my life

I've been listening to three songs ALL the time in the last weeks, so I thought I'd share the soundtrack to my days with you.

First off, I'm not a huge Lady GaGa fan, simply because I generally don't listen to Dance or whatever genre you would put her into. But damn, that woman has an amazing voice! I love her acoustic version of 'Poker Face', which has great lyrics as well. My favorite line? "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"



The next two songs have a certain emotional value to me, because I first heard them when my gf sang them to me on the phone. I'd seen and read about Taylor Swift, obviously, but I hadn't listened to any of her music up until my gf told me to. I really fell for two of her songs, 'Love Story' and 'You belong with me'.



I don't really listen to country-pop either, apart from Shania Twain, but I have to say that she's definitely talented.

I actually prefer 'You Belong with Me' over 'Love Story' because I like the lyrics and totally get what she's singing about, even when I haven't been in that situation myself.

Annoying valley girl

There is this 'character' that Whoopi sometimes plays on the View that I think is pretty annoying and not that funny. It starts at around 3:40.



BUT, then I saw this interview with Drew Barrymore on Ellen and it clicked. There are actually adults who talk like that, which is even more annoying. Just as annoying as someone saying 'You know' all the time - I'm looking at you, Caroline Kennedy!


One more thing about the first clip: Why the hell is Sherri Shepherd talking about the economy? She obviously has no idea about any economic principles, I think it would do her good to either talk to someone who actually knows something about this subject or to just not say anything at all. I really wonder why an accomplished woman like Barbara Walters offered Sherri that job. Sherri isn't really smart and instead of doing research to make up for it she just talks bullsh*t.

Feel

Remember when I wrote about the inner child after I started therapy? It seems I have already made some progress! I'm starting to really feel emotions again. I'm not saying that I didn't before I started therapy, but I have suppressed a lot of my emotions before. There are two reasons for that: One, I'm clearly a person who thinks rather than feels, most of the time.

Two, apparently I was brought up that way. I was told that my feelings weren't supposed to be what they were or that I shouldn't show them. I can clearly remember numerous people telling me "An Indian knows no pain" (Sorry for the literal translation, but this saying is very common here.), "Big Girls don't cry" or "Crying doesn't make it better either." I was told not to show that I was upset, sad or angry, because when you don't show your emotions, the people who cause them will stop doing what they are doing. My brother used to love to tease me and my mom always told me that if I didn't let him see that it upset me, he would get bored and stop. Yes, there are clearly situations in which not showing your emotions is the best course of action, eg when someone bullies you in school. But at home, which should be a safe place, you'd think it would be okay to cry or be upset.

I also learned that my really bad memory might stem from the fact that I was put into situations that were not age-appropriate. We traveled a lot when I was little and I hardly remember anything, maybe because it was too much for me. I know that there were certain things that were most definitely not age-appropriate, most of them having to do with my sister. Watching 'The Silence of the Lambs' at six/seven/eight (??) is just one example. I have been wondering for a long time why I don't seem to remember my childhood and this explanation actually makes sense. I don't even remember much from my junior highschool (10-14), which is the time in which my sister went through puberty and my parents fought almost daily over her. I can remember hearing them yell at each other for days on end, so that's definitely not a great family situation. While I realize that there are things that are way, way worse, it does explain some things, certain issues that I have.

That's all for now. I'm working through my past, trying to learn and get to the core of things. And I'm feeling again. Even if that means that I get really, really sad when I can't talk to my gf for almost a week, which sucks, but it's still progress and important. You take the good with the bad, I guess. And really, it can only get better from here on.

And a not-so-funny side note: I called my mom and asked her about the travels and whether she thinks I might have been overstrained and she said she doesn't remember. She asked me about my brother thought. Pretty much made it clear to me where her priorities are right now. Not with the child who's 'causing trouble', that's for certain.

Down time

I started my holidays two weeks ago and apparently really have abandoned this blog. Sorry for that. What have I been up to, you ask? I actually went to see my nephew, but you already knew that. Then I went home to spend some time with my friends and family, which was nice but exhausting. Tomorrow, I'm going back to the quiet of my apartment and to be honest, I can't wait! I just like being alone too much.

I've been very quiet in general. I went to the movies with my godmother this week, saw Doubt (amazing movie!!) and came out her, finally. I told her that I wasn't that much interested in boys, but rather very interested in girls and she said that it was okay to have girlfriends as in best friends, but that that would change too. She thinks I'm afraid of men. Uhm, okay, well, I'm pretty indifferent towards men, since I just in general prefer the company of women, but afraid I'm most certainly not. I'm just not attracted to them at all. Well, I told her my side of the story and she'll realize sooner or later that it's more than just a phase. I didn't really talk much at all that night, because there were just a few things that I couldn't really tell her about that were on my mind.

I also spent one day with a friend of mine and her two beautiful daughters. Those kids are tiring, made me want to not have kids. They are sweet and nice, but definitely a handful. After they went to bed, me and my friend had a long conversation about my plans for the future and my problems with my mom, since she's actually just as much a friend of my mom's as mine. It was pretty good to see things from her side as a mother but to also hear her experiences. She left home at 18 for a year against her fathers' wishes and it was the best decision she could have taken at that time. It gave me some strength to know that not everyone (obviously, apart from my girlfriend and friends) thought I was being irrational and un-smart.

So tomorrow I'm going back to university-town and to the new term and I really hope that in the next month, I will be able to make some more important decisions for my future. And by then, my beautiful girlfriend will hopefully be here as well!!

Amen, my dear queer brother!

I cannot wait to see this film!

He's so tiny!

I got to see my nephew for a minute last week and he really is tiny! But he's doing really well, so we're thankful for that. He'll be just fine.

So gay

Clementine Ford, actress and daugther of Cybill Shepherd, came out in an interview for Diva magazine. Is it bad that I'm happy and excited about that? She doesn't actually say whether she is gay or bisexual, but the point is, this beautiful, cute, great actress is playing for our team. I get to be excited about that, right? Right!

And since we're already talking about this subject and I've been saying this so much lately, I just wanted to post the video of Dana being "So gay." Because I'm just so gay too.

It's a boy!

This morning, my first nephew was born. Unfortunately, they had to do a premature C-section, but both the baby and my sister-in-law are doing well. He was breathing on his own, but since he is so little and his lungs aren't fully functioning yet they might have to intubate. This is exciting and really scary at the same time. So far, it looks like he will be just fine and my sister-in-law is doing so much better than she did just yesterday. Naturally, we don't know if this will have any long-term effects and how he will develop, but we are keeping our fingers crossed for him and that he'll be fine.

I'm going to go visit him next week and by then, I'll hopefully be able to actually see him. I just want him to be okay, now that he's here.

Theme song appreciation

I love a good theme song. I love to hear the same song I've heard hundreds of times before and know that one of my favorite shows is on. Or hearing a song on the radio and having to smile because it makes me think of a movie or a show.

One of my favorite theme songs ever is Gilmore Girls' "Where You Lead" by Carole King.


Naturally, I also remember the theme songs that make me think of shows I watched when I was younger:

"I'm Always Here" from Baywatch



Probably one of the most famous theme songs ever: "I'll Be There for You" by The Rembrandts for Friends



And, of course, from one of my favorite shows ever, Charmed (seasons 1 to 3), "How Soon is Now?".

Funny side note - I always used to sing:

"See I've already waited too long
and all my hope is Prue."

because I'm a dork.

Moving on to films, I absolutely love the Harry Potter theme, because it's just so classic and very distinctive to me.

The intro to this movie (My Best Friend's Wedding) is actually my favorite part of the movie, apart from that, I don't really like the rest much. But that song and that video totally rock!

Wonder what movie that song is from?


"Maneater" from Runaway Bride

One last song though: Even though this is a very incomplete and personal list, I have to absolutely include one of the James Bond theme songs. God, I love those themes!

How to save a life?

There is so much bad stuff in the world, just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. There are so many people out there who hurt others, on purpose, just because they want to. They don't even care that they hurt others, because they enjoy it. It is bad enough when you hurt someone without the intention, because even though you can apologize, the hurt will still have been there. But hurting someone while you are fully aware that this is what you are doing? This is why I don't like people - because cruelty is such a human trait.

How can you deal with the fact that there is so much bad in the world, so much bad that is caused by humans and that could be prevented if people were better? Do you just turn your head and look away? Looking away doesn't make it go away, even if it might seem that way. I can't stomach any more stories about children being murdered by their own parents. How can anyone hurt an innocent child? Why can no one prevent all the horrible things children have to go through?

It makes me so sick to my stomach that people can be so apathetic and careless with life. This is one big reason not to have any kids: Our world is not a world in which you can protect your children from harm.

I can try as I might to not read the stories, to not watch the news, but it won't change the fact that people kill other people every day. Children get hurt every day. Developing a thick skin against stories like these seems the only way to stay sane, but I don't want to have a thick skin when it comes to something like that. I don't want to be able to say "It happened, there is nothing anyone could have done." I don't want to be less empathetic and I don't want to just shut it out. I am not even the one going through horrors like these and I can barely stand the fact that these horrors exist. To have the strength to survive all that bad in the world and still want to live and make the best out of it is so admirable.

The things people do are horrible and I don't want to know how to deal with it, I don't want to have to deal with it. I want that stuff not to happen. But those horrible things will happen as long as humans exist and that just makes me want to throw up.

I am against the death penalty. I think living with the knowledge of what you did, in a life behind bars where your past is all you can think about, is much more of a punishment than death. I understand the need and want for revenge, but there is no revenge for death. Killing the murderer is not going to bring the victim back to life. The state cannot decide over life and death.

But the fact that I'm against the death penalty doesn't mean that I don't have the urge to physically hurt some of the people who hurt others so badly. I want them to feel just a fraction of the pain they inflicted. I would never act on it, because I know that it won't change anything, but how could you not feel that way? How do you not feel that way?

[This is only marginally related, but it makes me feel slightly better - to know that even though I can't change any of the bad, I can try and make it better by doing good, by being a good person. Even if I can never take all the bad away.



Save A Life Campaign]