Sagittarius, born November 30

Sagittarians are positive people; they have a bright outlook on life, are enterprising, full of energy and vitality. Versatile, adventurous and eager to expand their range beyond the comfortable and familiar. They enjoy travel and exploring, and their minds are continually searching for new experiences. They are ambitious, optimistic folk, and nothing seems to get them down. They are idealists, and this seems to keep them going even when life disappointments crop up and smash their plans. "To keep on, keepin' on" is a Sagittarian way of life. They have a tendency to get over zealous when they are interested in something. They are believers, and what they believe in, they are willing to fight for. They are both loyal and independent at the same time. They manage to balance both traits. (via Elore)

I love to travel and I try to stay positive, but I think I'm not all that optimistic. I am very ambitious and loyal and I think I tend to get over zealous at times. I don't believe too much in Astrology, but I do think it is interesting to read about stuff like that.

Some people who were born on November 30th: Ben Stiller, Elisha Cuthbert, Clay Aiken (*grins*), Billy Idol, Ridley Scott and me.

I didn't really do anything special. Incidentally, my brother and sister-in-law were in Vienna this weekend so they stopped in our hometown for lunch. In the afternoon, we played two rounds of Scrabble, because I love that game. I totally kicked my parents' asses by laying a 7-letter-word as the first word!! That's a 50-point bonus for those of you who don't know the rules. Fun times!

So happy birthday to everybody who shares this day with me! May all our wishes come true!

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Lauren Graham, who I love.

How I didn't stumble across this singer sooner is a mystery to me. I can't recall hearing any of her songs on the radio before and I'm glad that I did discover her this week. I saw a video of Pink at the American Music Awards, performing 'Angel' with Sarah McLachlan. The song is beautiful and their version of it was too.

Her songs are the perfect background music for serious conversations or just to listen to when I lie in bed at night. Now that I've looked into her biography, I found out that she sang 'Answer' for the movie 'The Brave One'. 'Answer' is a beautiful song, but to me, songs in movies are so much part of the film that I don't pay attention to them separately.

Sarah McLachlan has won eight Juno Awards and was nominated for 21 (!!). She has also won three Grammy Awards, two for 'Best Female Pop Vocal Performance' and one for 'Best Pop Instrumental Performance'. Now that I've discovered her music, I will definitely continue to listen to her songs, because she has a beautiful voice and writes amazing lyrics.

Finally!

After trying for three days straight, my application for a green card finally was sent. So now all I have to do is wait until at least May to see whether I get one or not. Should I be lucky enough to get one, there are further criteria I need to fulfill and the earliest I can apply for a visa is October 1st. So the earliest I could move is in 10 months. Yeah, not exactly early.

I'm really trying to not get my hopes up. I know that the chances that I'll get a green card are slim, but right now I don't have a plan B. I'm living plan B, to be exact. And I'm miserable most of the time. I know that I should try and figure out what I want to do if moving to the States doesn't work out. But emigrating is all I want to do right now. And I'm stubborn right now.

I realize that I've been debby downer lately, so I thought I'd share something positive with you. Honestly, I feel a bit like I'm Callie. No, I didn't sleep with my best male friend (not that that exists in my life), I didn't drive the love of my life away, but I was pretty clueless. So I 'met' this girl online and we started writing messages and we pretty much hit it off right away. We're really on the same wavelength and we started talking pretty personal and serious stuff pretty quickly. I thought we were going to be best friends. If *you're* reading this right now (you know who you are) and you haven't read my message yet (which I doubt), now would be a good moment to do that.

So anyways, I was being clueless and then things were said and I started thinking about my feelings. Why do I check my messages constantly to see whether she has written? Why am I disappointed when she hasn't even though I know she doesn't have internet at home right now? Why do I want to talk to her on the phone/via skype? I've never talked to any of my online friends on the phone or via skype and yet I can't wait to hear her voice. Why does my heart skip a beat when I see that she's online? I think you know where this is going. Chatting to her today was like the final 'Duh'-moment for me. My brain tells me that this is going to be hard and that I shouldn't allow myself to feel the way I feel, mainly because she lives in America and I live here. Tiny little problem, right? My heart tells me that it doesn't care. My heart really likes her.

And that's all I'm going to say. I hope she doesn't feel uncomfortable with me writing about her, but she knows all of that and some more. I wouldn't tell you all, my dear readers, that if she didn't know. But I thought I'd share the smile that's been on my face all day.

"How do I feel this good sober?"

If you've been reading my little blog for a while, you know that I love Pink (I'm actually wearing my Pink-shirt typing this, believe it or not). I had to listen to 'Sober' exactly four times until I absolutely loved it and now that I've seen the video, I'm completely blown away.



I hate that I'm going to miss out on her next concert in Vienna. She's just so good live as well.

Could she care any less?

Jeez. I am really ticked off right now. Please tell me if I'm wrong, stubborn or failing to see the bigger picture, because right now all I am is pissed.

After not having answered her questions about how I am twice in our last conversation (Skype chat, not 'real' conversation), I thought I should at least be honest.

Her: How are you?
Me: Short answer? Still alive...
Her: so busy? or so cold?
Me: no, not really busy, I'm not motivated right now anyways. just tired
Her: ok. I'm gonna go to bed now.
Me: do that

And that was that. Before that part of the conversation took place, I had asked her whether she was at home on the weekend so we could meet. She was able to squeeze me in, because she's super-busy as always. I get that. I get that she works part-time, goes to university and has 5 million friends. But does she know that my birthday is coming up? Does she remember that the last time we talked on the phone, I was pretty f*cking beat? Does she notice that she never contacts me, I'm always the one who has to start a conversation, or else we wouldn't even have one? Does she care about me at all?

I would say that she's one of the best friends I have IRL, which probably says a lot about my IRL friends. I wonder what she would say.

I know that she has a lot on her plate and that she's busy and can't be there for me all the time. But this? F*cking unbelievable to me. If it had been the other way around, I would have at least asked whether she wanted to talk about it or whether I could do anything to help. I guess she's one of a kind to me and I'm one of a crowd to her.

Aching. Longing. Needing.

There are things in my life that I ache for. Long for desperately. Things that aren't in my life. Some of them I can name. Some, not. Sometimes I just feel like I need something. Just something. I can't pinpoint what it is and I try compensating, but the need doesn't go away.

I long for friendship in a way that it is missing in my life. I have a few good friends, for certain 'occasions', let's call it that way. I have friends who share my interests. I have friends with whom I can really discuss on an intellectual level that challenges me. I have a friend who is willing to listen to me ramble and rant and thinks that it's great I'm in therapy because it helps me. She's the only IRL friend who knows about therapy and about certain aspects of my struggle. But I don't have the one best friend. I don't have that one person that lives nearby, knows all of my secrets and lets me be me.

I long for the friendship and companionship that a best friend brings. I long for a friend with whom I can just cuddle and lay in bed and talk for hours. I crave real-life human contact. Something even the best online friends cannot provide. When I left the childishness and stupidity of puberty behind, my mother started to say that I am clingy with her. I am close to my mom and up until recently, we would talk about almost everything that was going on in my life. When I'm home, I hug her a lot and I love hanging out in front of the TV and just cuddling with her. I realize that that might be unusual at my age but it makes me feel safe the way it did when I was little. We never really grow out of being our parent's kids, do we?

With the way things are right now, I hardly ever talk to her at all. I call once or twice a week to let her know that I'm still alive, but we don't really talk. I'm starting to try and go my own way and she disagrees and this is like this huge wall between the two of us.

I'm longing to experience the things that you are supposed to experience to grow and to grow up. My therapist told me that living through a fictional TV-character isn't living. Well, what's the alternative? Not living at all? Not that living through this fictional TV-character is even an option anymore.

I don't know what to do with myself. I want my life to have meaning. I want to matter. I want someone to share my life with, whether it be a best friend or a girlfriend. I want what I do to matter. I need to fill the voids in my life, because the distractions aren't working anymore. How to fill the voids? If only I knew.

Aunt Nelfy

I'm going to be an aunt in April!! My sister-in-law is pregnant and the parents-to-be are both over the moon. Honestly, I'm hoping for a girl. I'm allowed to say that because I'll be the aunt, obviously firstly and foremost, the baby should be healthy, but a girl would be a bonus!

The sad thing is that one of my first thoughts when I heard the news was 'This time for real?'. I don't think it was THE first thought, but it was right in there. The first time I was told that I was going to be an aunt I was the first in my family to know. What happened then is not my story to tell, but I was and am still sad about the baby that never got to live. Rationally I know why things happened the way they did and I can't condemn the decision taken, I know it wasn't taken lightly. It is not my place to judge.


Still, when I heard that I was going to be an aunt, it hurt. The memory of what could have been hurt. I was sad that such a happy moment wasn't able to overshadow the past. I think once the baby is born I will be able to lay the past to rest. I didn't think that I hadn't done that a long time ago until I heard that sentence spoken again. "You're going to be an aunt." So simple, so powerful, so *life*. The beginning of it all.

Search Engine fun

I had a great laugh a while ago when I checked my blog stats. Someone landed on my blog by searching for 'Rachael Ray femslash'. Sorry to disappoint, but I've never written a Rachael Ray femslash story. Interesting idea though.

To the person who wanted to know 'Is Brooke Smith gay IRL?'. Well, no. But hey, she's very gay-friendly, so we can live with that, right? And look at her and her husband, don't they look cute and happy together?

Okay, I'll admit that this post is sort of just an excuse to post the absolutely beautiful pictures of Brooke at the Milk premiere. If you tell me you mind, then you're clearly lying!

Source: Grey's Gabble board via LJ-community

Letters to Brooke and Sara

The amazing LJ-Erica/Callie-community asked us to writer letters to Brooke and Sara to send them. So I did. I had a really difficult time writing the one to Sara because to me, the writers f*cked Callie up pretty badly and I'm angry at them and at Callie a bit too. Obviously, I didn't want to tell her that, because it's not her fault, so I wrote something different.

My letter to Brooke:

Dear Brooke Smith,

Thank you for being brave and putting so much emotion into the portrayal of one of the most *real* characters on TV, Erica Hahn.

Most people will probably say that the ‘leaves/glasses’ scene was your best and I have to agree, your acting in it was definitely Emmy-worth and just amazing. But the scenes that spoke to me even more were different ones. The first moment that made me fall in love with Erica completely was in the scene in which Erica helped Callie move into the new apartment. When you/Erica touched Callie, my heart literally skipped a beat and I felt like ‘This is real, their chemistry is real, their affection for each other is real.’ The second scene that spoke to me even more was when you/Erica watched Callie get on the elevator. The smile that you had on your face spoke louder and clearer than any words could ever have. I will always remember that moment as the ‘Cutest. Callica. Moment. Ever.’ And honestly, who hasn’t watched someone they are completely smitten with with a bright smile on their face? I know I have.

Even though it didn’t last as long as I would have wished, having two beautiful, stunning, interesting, complex, *real* female characters on TV deal with their feelings for each other made my world a better place. I know I am not the only one when I say that you have affected me in a way only very few actresses have and I am forever grateful for your courage and willingness to take on ‘difficult’ characters. The range of emotions you showed from 'bad-ass cardio goddess Hahn' to 'soft, head over heels in love Erica' blew my mind.

One thing is for sure, I will follow you and your career, no matter where it will lead us!

Your biggest fangirl in Austria,
Nelfy


My letter to Sara:

Dear Sara Ramirez!

When Callie was first introduced as a possible love interest for George, I loved how you played her as a strong woman who knew what she wanted. I didn’t like how George treated Callie and how much Callie changed throughout the storyline, even though I was always blown away by your acting talent. You were allowed to be sexy, vulnerable, angry, hurt, strong and funny as Callie and I always loved how multi-dimensional your character was.

I was so excited to see the friendship between Erica and Callie blossom. It made sense that two smart doctors who disliked the drama would strike up a connection and even though we were only allowed to see small glimpses, I was completely sold on the chemistry between Erica and Callie. Never before have I been so invested in a fictional couple – I even went so far to write fanfiction to keep me sane over the summer. Needless to say, I am very disappointed that you weren’t allowed to play Callie as ‘clingy’, because I would have loved to see that!

I will forever be grateful that you are bold and brave enough to dance in your underwear, pee naked and take off your shirt on national television. As a girl who is drawn to *real* women with *real* bodies, I will never understand how size 0 is considered attractive in Hollywood. You are so gorgeous just the way you are!

Just like with Erica, my memories with Callie will always be very bittersweet, but my admiration for you as an actress and a person will not be tainted by the network's decision. Thank you for being an ally and a friend to the LGBT community. This is just one reason why I look up to you!

Your biggest fangirl in Austria,
Nelfy

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Emily Deschanel.

Oh my god is this woman beautiful. She has amazingly beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile. Of course, it's not just her beauty that has me captured, Liz Vassey also plays a pretty cool character on CSI. Plus, she played Nikki on 'Nikki & Nora', so we know that she's cool. But honest to god, I just want to look at her picture all day long.

I made my therapist proud today!

And in return, she put lovely reassurance and balm all over my soul. Apparently, I am very mature, know my feelings and what shaped me into the person I am today well. Well, duh. With all the time I spend in my own head, it would be sad if I didn't. She thinks I can handle my parents, all I need to do is 'be the adult I am' and 'be honest about my feelings'. Easy, breezy. Even though I have been more open with her than I've been with any other person in my life right now, she doesn't know me well yet and I guess that surprised me a bit today. In past sessions, we had talked about my friends and how I'm generally more drawn to people who are older than I am due to various reasons and I think today she understood why. Therapy is really interesting. It can be a power play at times, but today we reached a level at which we were even. I didn't cry, I only felt like crying for a small amount of time and when I left I actually felt good.

Might have also been the sugar high that I was on. I got up way too late today, my class started at 9 and I got up at twenty to 9. Yeah, too late. After class, I had to kill some time so I had a proper breakfast consisting of a hot chocolate and a pain au chocolat. Sugar high, here I come! I came crashing down hard at around 4 in the afternoon, in the middle of my accounting class. Not that much fun. I even ate lunch in between, so why the crash was that bad is a mystery to me.

Anywho, I watched 'Quantum of Solace' after class and I am thoroughly disappointed. I really liked 'Casino Royale' so I kinda expected more. Well, this movie is *not* worth seeing. I didn't even understand most of the plot and kept wondering 'What does that have to do with anything?'.

Now I'm back home and just plain tired and it's not even past 11. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight and I think this week I'll have to already do that the second time. Soul searching is hard work, y'all.

Things I'd love to do

I am trying to figure out what to do with my life and what my career plans are and so I thought I'd write it down to get it out there.

Here's a list of jobs I'd love to do:

Work ...

• ... as an editor or writer at AfterEllen.
• ... as a writer at an entertainment magazine like EW or People.
• ... in the editorial department of an entertainment show, eg on E!.
• ... in front of the camera on one of the entertainment shows, or on a talk show or a news show.
• ... as an assistent to the producer or a personal assistent.
• ... as a producer.
• ... in the marketing department of a TV-channel.
• ... as a publicist.
• ... as an event planner or a wedding planner.

I think that's it for now. Because I'm trying to look at all my options and stay positive I won't post all the reasons why I won't get the jobs that I would like to get. Believe me, that list is longer.

My eyes, my eyes!

This is a post about sex. Or rather a post about people writing about sex. I like to give warnings out right in the beginning, just in case you don't want to read this. I'm not actually going to talk about sex because that would be weird, coming from me. But I digress.

I like to know how people find my blog and recently, some of you have found me via Britnidanielle. Now before I offer the link, let me tell you a little story: I saw the link and thought, let's check this out. So I went over to her blog and got a warning that the blog was for adults only and contained adult content. Now I'm used to getting these warnings for things like lesbian kisses *gasp* so I tend to ignore them and just continue. This time though, I understand why this warning was in place.

I wouldn't consider myself to be prude. The most explicit movie I've ever seen was 'Shortbus', so yes, I've never watch a porn movie, even though Shortbus came pretty close and was almost too much for me. I'm not opposed to sex scenes in movies or TV-shows and I enjoy the written word, as in Literotica *hinthint*. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it.)

I started reading her blog and she does write pretty explicit things. What I didn't expect were pictures. Which made me want to leave and never come back. Thing is, curiosity killed the cat, right? I will admit to going back and reading some more, even though some of the stuff made *me* blush. What have I learned from this experience? Two things. One, I am certainly not a fan of the penis. Thanks, but no thanks. I am extremely gay, which made me want to wash my eyes with soap after seeing that picture (not a picture of her, obviously!).

Two, while I will probably never post anything as explicit, I find it liberating when other people do. I'm all for owning your sexuality and doing what you are comfortable with and not caring about what other people think. Even if it makes me blush.

On a side not, she thinks that I'm part of Queer Culture, how cool is that??

I saw 'Nikki & Nora' last night!!

And I can't believe this show never got picked up! I really liked the pilot and would have definitely continued watching had it been picked up! Now in all fairness, I'm not saying that this is the best show I've ever seen. But pilots aren't made to immediately make you love a show but to introduce the setting, the characters and the story. I think that that pilot was really strong and I just love that the show was set in New Orleans. The Big Easy offers such beautiful scenery! I really liked the music, I loved the chemistry between the two actresses, Liz Vassey and Christina Cox, the other characters were interesting as well. What I actually love the most was that while Nikki and Nora weren't out at work, you could always feel that they had a strong connection. Their chemistry was there, even when they were working and focused on the case.

Seeing what happened and is happening with lesbian characters on TV right now, I'm inclined to believe that it didn't get picked up because the two main characters are a lesbian couple. There are so many decisions to take when picking up a pilot and money is always one of them. Even though it wasn't a 'lesbian show', any network would probably put it in this category. What I am very happy about is that Nancylee Myatt sort of picked it up herself by including 'Ladycops' as a show within the show on '3Way'. Read Myatt's interview about 'Nikki & Nora' on AfterEllen and hop over to YouTube to watch the pilot if you haven't seen it yet!

I spend way too much time on YouTube

So I thought I'd share the pleasure:

Just in case you missed it - Melissa and Tammy Lynn were on Oprah this week! I'm still a bit puzzled or bewildered by how much Tammy Lynn reminds me of Miss J (remember, Salzburg?). They don't even look that much alike, but their gestures and mimics are so similar! I guess it really surprised me the first time I saw the video.



How cool is Rachel Maddow?



I don't even want to post this, but in order to be able to comment on it, I have to.


Why is this so difficult to understand? What is the big riddle? Thomas was born female, but always felt male. He transitioned, but kept his reproductive organs to be able to have children. Seems pretty simple to me. I can't believe the fuss they make about the baby, Susan will know that her father carried her but to her, it will be the most natural thing in the world. Kids don't think like adults do, they don't think that something is wrong/weird/strange until someone tells them that it is wrong/weird/strange. I think that Susan might feel a bit alone in the world when she gets older and begins to understand why her situation is different, but if her environment is loving than I doubt that it will have such an impact on her. People should really get over themselves and stop thinking in such rigid categories.


Last but not least - Wanda Sykes officially came out!! *YAY*

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: on all of you who will exercise your First Amendment Rights at the National Day of Protest Saturday.

When I was a kid, I loved, loved, loved 'Sister Act'. I completely adored Whoopi Goldberg and wanted to be the kid in all of her movies. I loved watching 'Corrina, Corrina' and 'Bogus' even though these were sad movies. Movies that dealt with death and grief, but they had something inherently positive and hopeful. The older I got, the more respect I developed for Whoopi. I found out about her involvement with feminist organizations and put this picture on the wall in my room:

I realized how she must have struggled being a woman of color in Hollywood, yet she never lost her sense of humor. I saw parts of 'The Color Purple' and was completely blown away by her amazing acting. Naturally, I always knew that she was talented, but this role really showed her acting abilities.

When Rosie left 'The View', I thought that I would stop watching it. But then I found out that Whoopi would be on and that spiked my interest. Sometimes, I wonder how Joy and Whoopi can sit next to Sherry and Elizabeth and not want to smack them over the head. But Whoopi keeps her cool and tries as often as possible to bring in her opinion and be a voice of reason.


And because it was her birthday this week: Happy Birthday, Whoopi!! Thanks for being an ally.

(I'm sorry that this is so late, I'm having a bad weekend.)

Bridget cracks me up!

I'm starting to understand why people like Facebook.

Prop 8 isn't over yet

With all that's been going on, I haven't had the chance to comment on the very sad, disappointing and unfortunate result of Prop 8. Honestly, I don't even know what to say. When it comes to issues like these, I feel like my words are not enough and I lack the eloquence to really show how I feel. Therefore, I will let someone else speak for me, because she does it so well.



I can't imagine what it must feel like to have your rights taken away. In Austria, these rights don't exist and as much as that hurts, having your rights taken away after they were given to you months ago must be even worse.

What I love and admire about the Californian LGBT-community and its supporters is that they go out there and fight for their rights. They aren't done yet - not even close - and they are willing to take the streets and fight for the right to marry. They haven't let the result put a damper on the fight, which I think is highly ideal!

I also applaud the straight allies, who stand up for what is right, like Keith Olberman, Drew Barrymore and even Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Rock On!

Therapy is crap

And painful as hell. The reality check that they give you? Not what I would consider a fun activity. Having someone who barely knows you judge you and make you feel even worse about yourself? I could do without it.

BUT, the things you learn about yourself by having a person throw your OWN thoughts back at your face are amazing. I never thought that one hour could bring so much clarity. At the same time, I now need to figure out what to do with this clarity. I think for once I need to do the really hard, seemingly impossible thing and hope that it'll be easier in the end. I guess it is time to take a huge leap into unknown territory and hope that if I fall flat onto my face, I'll still be able to say 'At least I tried'.

So maybe therapy isn't crap. But my inner child is allowed to say that because it's hurting. The adult in me knows that therapy helps and will continue to go there, even if my inner child doesn't want to. See, I already learned that much!

Grey's Anatomy Monday

This is my last and I'll keep it short. I don't even have too much to say anymore.

What I liked:

• Erica stood up for what she believed in, like I'd expect her to. She has determination and class and as much as I hate to see her go, at least she got to stand up to the Chief and get up in his face and tell him off.
• Bailey. Oh, I will miss her. She's not reason enough to keep me watching, but I will always remember her fondly.
• Cristina being totally oblivious to the McSteamy charm would have been funny in any other episode.
• Hunt telling the Chief off was great to watch - Honestly, I don't know how the Chief is still working at the hospital.

What I didn't like:

• They gave us two Callica-scenes! Two! And those two were spent talking about Izzie. They couldn't have possibly given us less interaction between Callie and Erica if they tried.
• The fact that the writers sacrificed Callie's character to get rid of Erica fast. Callie would have never just told Erica about Denny like that and she wouldn't have had that argument with her and she wouldn't have just let her walk away.
• The writers screwed Erica's character over in the last scene by making her say things that she would have never said hadn't they tried to get rid of her asap.
• Hunt apologized to the Chief and I thought - WTF? I'm not going to miss this show.
• There are so many other things that I didn't like about the episode that I will not list because it would be a waste of my time.

What I would have wanted to see:

• Callie following Erica and not just letting her walk away.
• Erica slapping the Chief - because he deserved it.

Worst Line:

A tie:

"Look, I don't know what happened between Denny Duquette and Izzie Stevens that night, but unless you were in the middle of that situation, I don't see how you can make a judgment."

"You can't kind of be a lesbian."

Favorite Moment:

The scene in which Erica stood up to the Chief and confronted him about Izzie. That was some amazing acting from both and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Brooke Smith will win an Emmy for that.

This is the end. The end of a great, multi-dimensional, interesting, determined, real character. The end of Callica. The end of my love for Grey's Anatomy. And the end of 'Grey's Anatomy Monday'.

Karman and Bridget got married!

OMG! I am so happy for them, they are such a beautiful couple!


Congratulations!

Losing hope

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

Obviously, I am not a member of the AA nor do I believe in God. But the power this Serenity Prayer holds still amazes me.

Friday night, all the emotions of the past week caught up with me and hit me like a ton of bricks. I saw a video on YouTube and started crying so hard that I couldn't even *see* most of it. Eventually, I caught myself and stopped crying, but I burst into tears a second time that night and I finally understood why people in movies sit in the shower, shivering because the water has long gone cold and still can't stop crying. Thank god that our water tank was still filled with enough hot water or otherwise I would have experience that as well.

I'm not a person who cries easily. I don't cry with other people and I don't cry when other people are around. I can remember every single time that I have cried in the last 6 years, not just lost one or two tears but cried the way I did on Friday and yesterday (and today). In the last 6 years, there were four occasions that made me cry. This week brought the fifth.

This shouldn't affect me this much. After all, it is 'just' a TV-show, it is 'just' a fictional character. But I know exactly why it does affect me the way it does. I have known that I am gay since I was 15. I was madly in love with a woman who was way too old for me. She cared about me and she listened to me and she really helped me through a hard time, but she never was more than a friendly teacher. But to me, she was. To me, she was everything. Obviously, it never went anywhere and while we were slightly on the path to a friendship, things happened and when I graduated, I knew that she probably wouldn't want to stay in touch with me. I should be over her by now. It has been over 5 years and there were times when I felt like I could forget her. People say that you are never fully over someone until someone else takes their place. God, am I ready for that next person to come along. Back in the day when I felt like I could only ever love her, I figured that in a year or two, when I was ready, I would move on and meet a nice girl who was more my age. The years passed and I met girls, but I never met a special one and I was never special to one either. Soon I will turn 21 and I still won't know what it's like to be special to someone. I still won't know what it's like to kiss someone. To hold them close and feel like you wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

I think one reason why I so desperately want to move away from here is because I feel like I will never meet someone special here. I'm weird and I'm different and there was a time when I felt it was okay that I didn't belong. But there comes a time when you so desperately want to belong that you would give almost anything to just feel like this once. There have been times when I felt some sense of belonging, but these times were always very short-lived. I don't know where my place in life will be and I don't know whether I will ever find it, but right now, I've lost hope.

Which brings us back to Erica Hahn. I felt like I could have something, see something through her eyes, that I so desperately miss in my life. I watched her fall in love with Callie and I fell right with her. I watched her watch Callie and I felt the way she must have felt. I felt my heart beat faster and I *knew* what this was like. What I didn't know was the part that was supposed to come next. The part where Callie showed Erica that she felt that way too. The part where she cared too. We saw some small glimpses of that, but it got lost in all the gay panic. It got lost in all the talk about sex. And now it got lost in a network that was too cowardly to see the real beauty in their story.

It got lost and it will never return. And that leaves me wondering whether it will ever come. Whether I will ever be worthy of feeling the way Erica felt and having these feelings reciprocated. And this is why this hit me so hard and why I can't stop crying. Why I nearly burst into tears in the middle of a store because I wanted to buy some chapstick and was reminded of Callie's beautiful lips. Why I nearly burst into tears when my friend looked at me and tried to see how well I was doing. Or how poorly.

If you feel like you can, watch BetweenThaLines' beautiful video, which is like the farewell that we didn't get to see on TV. Serious tissue warning!

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Brooke Smith.

I've heard people complain about Erica Hahn and I've heard enough people say 'Really, you like her? But she's so mean' and I've read that the writers were going to make her 'unlikable', but I was impressed with Erica right away and the more we got to see of her, the more I fell for her. When we first met Dr. Hahn in season 2, she was snarky, determined and willing to fight for her patient. She also showed vulnerability when Alex told her that the heart was going to go to Denny Duquette.

In season 3, Erica was as snarky as I remembered her and she also showed that the patient's welfare is her top priority. Erica was able to control her emotions and her ego to work together with Burke, which is something I haven't seen from other characters on this show.

Then season 4 came around and Brooke came on the show full-time. I was so excited about her because on her first day of work, she stood up to McDreamy and McSteamy and told the Chief off. Erica took work seriously and she was a feminist, something I especially loved about her because most of the other female characters on the show weren't, at least not so openly. Erica even told Sloan to stop hitting on her and wasn't at all impressed by his charm, something no other female had yet done on GA. When Erica and Callie started becoming friends I hoped and prayed that the rumors were true and that it would lead to more, because their chemistry was amazing and they would have been great together.

And great they were. For a few episodes, we were allowed to see Erica fall for Callie hard and their attempt at figuring out their feelings. We got to see their first kiss and their first date and in one episode, we were even allowed to see things from Erica's point of view. Erica went through changes that a lot of people out there go through and came to the realization that she was 'so, so, so gay, extremely gay' and that it was okay for her. She was bold and tried to give Callie confidence but she also allowed Callie to see her vulnerable side. In short, she was human, but she also was adult enough to face her feelings, her fears openly. And she was ready to talk about it, a quality most characters on GA also lack.

The fact that ABC decided to 'let Brooke Smith go' is a great disservice to the quality of GA and shows that creativity and quality doesn't seem to be the first thing on their minds. Which I hope will not only hurt us as the fans, but will also come back to kick them in the ass.

To end this post on a positive note, I will never in my life forget this scene, because it probably is my favorite Callica-moment. Can you spell smitten?

When the shit hits the fan

I thought I'd compile a list of facts that we have on the Brooke Smith situation and then tell you what I think about it. There are a lot of rumors floating around, so just to be perfectly save, I'll only include official statements.

After having filmed the 'You are glasses' scene and being told how great she was in it, Brooke was told "they couldn't write for my character anymore." Shonda told her and to Brooke "it definitely seemed like [Shonda's] hands were tied".

For full disclosure, here's Shonda Rhimes' statement:

"Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and
we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with 'another lesbian.' If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season." (Emphasis mine)

Everyone with a pair of eyes knows that this can't possibly be true. If the magic or chemistry was off the blame definitely lies with the writers for writing Callie the way they did. How can you tell Brooke how amazing she was in her coming out speech and then say that the chemistry wouldn't sustain in the long run? Besides, they could have simply broken up and that would have made for good drama.

What we also know is that ABC sent their stars a statement containing what they were allowed to say and I think we can call that a gag-order. Patrick Dempsey's interview on Ellen is evidence enough for me.



Here's what I think went down:

They filmed the 'You are glasses' scene and episode and I guess they have to run their episodes through with the execs. Then, three things happened.

1. The big bosses were surprise to see that this wasn't a 'Two hot girls making out while drunk' scene aka 'the ultimate male fantasy', but that this was a real lovestory between two real women, which obviously isn't hot nor interesting to the average straight viewer.

2. I hate to say that but both Brooke and Sara look more like real women than most actresses in Hollywood and I think that this was also part of the problem. While I think Brooke Smith is beautiful and amazing in her own way, the execs probably thought 'If we have lesbians they better be hot/thin/stacked/blond/young.'

3. They probably already had that idea with Erica finding out about Izzie stealing the heart and the execs probably thought that this was the best way to get rid of Erica right away. Honestly, I think that it will make some sense.

I'm still fuming and I hope that we get some more information about this, but Brooke obviously doesn't have real information either, she only knows what Shonda told her, which basically wasn't anything at all.

President Obama

It's 5 minutes past 5 o'clock in the morning and now it's official: Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States of America. Now the interesting part starts.

I'm off to bed. Congrats to Barack Obama for making history, for the democrats and for all those people who fought very hard for this victory!

Media reacts to Brooke's firing

I am still pissed beyond words and I'll probably be for a while. I'm not quite ready yet to analyze my feelings towards this, so I'm going to post a rundown of the media's reaction and what *YOU* can do if you are angry/disappointed/sad.

Entertainment Weekly: The original post that broke the news "Exclusive: 'Grey's Anatomy' Discharges Dr. Hahn."

AfterEllen: "'Grey's Anatomy Fires Brooke Smith, De-Gays Melissa George's Character" ~ Eight pages of comments!! Eight pages! Within less than one day! If you are an AE regular then you'll know that one or two pages of comments are good for a post, the very popular vlogs get about 4 pages of comment (on average). That means something!

Dorothy Surrenders: "November isn't for lesbians"


Entertainment Weekly: "Brooke Smith's 'Grey's Anatomy' ouster is not right and not okay" ~ A great letter to Brooke Smith

LA Times Blog: "Critic's Notebook: Brooke Smith's firing is bad for 'Grey's Anatomy,' and the world" ~ Great analysis, talks about the fact that Brooke isn't 'hot' according to Hollywood standards


E! online: "Greys's De-Gayed: Brooke Smith Fired, Melissa George No Longer a Lesbian"

Chicago Tribune: "'Grey's Anatomy' abruptly gets rid of a gay character"

People magazine: "Brooke Smith Axed From Grey's Anatomy"

Perez Hilton: "Grey's Is Getting Un-Gay!"


"Glaad Responds to Grey's Firing" ~ very, very lame article!! Boo you!


PopEater: "No More Girl-On-Girl for 'Grey's Anatomy'"

TVAddict.com: "A Grey's Anatomy Policy Change"

Wow. I think that's it.

Now the links of whom you can write to, where you can complain or what campaigns are being started right now:

Contact ABC to complain

Contact Brooke Smith's agent:

Brooke Smith
c/o Barking Dog Entertainment
Sue Leibman, Agent
609 Greenwich St.
6th Floor
New York, NY 10014
USA
Phone: 212-343-2117
Fax: 212-343-9018

Scrapbook idea for Brooke Smith ~ love this idea, I will take part in that!

Hope 4 Hahn - The petition

Written petition for the US Residents

Join facebook's "Hope For Hahn"

Join the livejournal Erica_Callie community for more information.

Election Day!

So the day has finally arrived, hard to believe. I'm not going to write anything about the candidates while I hold my breath and wait for the end result but I'm going to write about one woman who, to me, is the big rising star in this election (apart from Obama, of course). In last Friday's news paper, there was an article on Rachel Maddow. The line I loved the most:

"Dabei ist Maddow nicht nur links, sie ist – huch! – auch lesbisch" ~
"Not only is Maddow left-wing, she is also - gasp! - lesbian."

The article talks about her success with her new show, how all the other political shows are hosted by men and mentions Oprah, Ellen and Rosie as the only female talkshow hosts that might have/have had an impact but aren't critical of politics. I think it's a very positive article on her and the fact that it was almost a half a page made me smile as well. They used the following picture of her and that picture is pretty butch - and I'm saying that as a compliment!



Since I love her show, I thought I'd post some more clips that I really loved!

Halloween and the Bailout:



Football and the Battleground states:



Election recap: The best and the worst of the last 22 months



She is so snarky and funny! The only weird thing about this clip is that they used the 'Ode to Joy' aka the Anthem of Europe as the last song for the video.

Go out there! Vote! Let your voice be heard! And watch Rachel Maddow's show!

Callica will end *this* week

So I broke my own rule and read one spoiler and now I'm devastated and close to tears and I can't even believe that this is happening.

Brooke Smith talked to Ausiello from EW and confirmed that Erica will not be seen again after this week's episode.

The only good thing about her interview is that she seems to feel the same about certain things as I and many fans did.

"Were you happy with the direction the storyline was taking?
You know, I was starting to get there, yeah. I was personally a little impatient with the gay panic, but it was more Callie's thing anyway. I think Dr. Hahn was sort of figuring it out.

What did you think about Callie going to Mark to get pointers on exploring the "undiscovered country."
It was a little icky. If you're a women, don't you know how to please yourself? But they seemed to be okay with that one." (Emphasis mine)

So next week will be the last episode of Grey's Anatomy I will watch for a very, very, very long time! May all hell break loose on AE now!

Update I: Tell ABC how you feel about this here.

Update II: It seems like ABC and GA are generally degaying their storylines. What is wrong with these people?

Update III: "Shonda Rhimes has just released the following statement in response to this story: "Brooke Smith was obviously not fired for playing a lesbian. Clearly it's not an issue as we have a lesbian character on the show – Calliope Torres. Sara Ramirez is an incredible comedic and dramatic actress and we wanted to be able to play up her magic. Unfortunately, we did not find that the magic and chemistry with Brooke's character would sustain in the long run. The impact of the Callie/Erica relationship will be felt and played out in a story for Callie. I believe it belittles the relationship to simply replace Erica with "another lesbian." If you'll remember, Cristina mourned the loss of Burke for a full season.""

This makes no sense whatsoever. 'The magic and chemistry with Brooke's character'? Erica was so smitten with Callie and Brooke played that so well, so how can they blame this on 'the magic and chemistry'? If anything, the writing for Callie was bad. Callie was the one who wasn't all in. How can anyone tell me that the 'leaves, you are my glasses' monologue wasn't pure magic? I think this is pure and utter bullsh*t. Callie isn't gay, remember, she's an all forest girl and besides, her magic? What magic? All Callie did since the season premiere was freak out. That's not magic, that's just freaking out. If you feel like the 'magic' isn't working out then change the f*cking script! Besides, with whom is Callie going to be gay? Certainly not with Mark, because that would make Erica an experiment. If they are planning on having Callie recover from Erica just walking away then this would be an EXACT copy of the Cristina/Burke storyline which would be just really, really LAME. I am so angry right now...

Update IV: This is my last update, I promise. Here's the link from AE to what Shonda Rhimes said only THREE months ago about Callica:

"We'll also finally get to see the experience from Erica's point of view, as well. "We don't really know Erica's side of the story yet, in terms of what's going on with the two of them," Rhimes explained.
"We're going to watch that play out and then we're going to watch
the larger world of what happens when the two of them come out in the hospital, and what happens when Callie's dad find out and that sort of thing, which I think is going to be really, really interesting.""

That was in July! Not that long ago!

There are rumors buzzing around about Sara leaving the show, which, frankly, I would understand. No confirmation from any official side, but I'll definitely continue reading about this mess and believe me, I will post about this more. But enough for tonight, it's half past four in the morning right now and I think even though I won't be able to sleep, I should at least try.

Grey's Anatomy Monday

Did anyone notice that the patient, Tori, was played by Adair Tishler who plays Molly Walker on Heroes? She's a good actress and a really cute little girl.

What I liked:

• Erica's coming out speech and the fact that she's so open with Callie. A few people have said that it was too much too early, but after all the freaking-out that Callie has done I think it's only fair that Erica gets to have a little emotional outburst as well. Especially because her outburst was one of the positive kinds. I also loved how Erica didn't burst into tears nor had tears streaming down her face but sort of held it together despite the fact that she was clearly ready to cry. After watching the scene a few times, I felt like she was giving up as much control as she could while still being in control of her tears. Make any sense to you?
• Callie's outfits. I just love the clothes the wardrobe department puts Sara Ramirez into, they really know how to accentuate her best features.
• Cristina fled when she saw Owen and that was so hilarious! Loved that scene!
• Bailey finally getting the responsibilities she deserves and that she said "I can do that" when the Chief told her to 'be me'. Although, in my mind, she said "Be you, only better. I can do that."
• Mark's new leaf is really working out for him and I really love him for telling Callie that she's a cheater. The scene in which Derek burst into the on-call room and while leaving said "Hey Torres" at the hiding Callie was pretty funny as well.
• Bailey stood up to Erica and she had every right to, Erica behaved like a bitch all day long. I completely understand why Erica did what she did and I felt her pain throughout the whole episode, but I love that Bailey stood up to her even though Erica's an attending.
• I really like Owen Hunt. He's an adult, he talks to people and he can take criticism and that's a welcome change at Seattle Grace. I loved the interactions between Cristina and Owen, those two actors have chemistry!

What I didn't like:

• Callie's insensitivity throughout the whole episode - Okay, so she didn't know how to handle Erica's revelation, but she didn't even flinch when Mark told her that she's a cheater and then, instead of apologizing to Erica, she tells her to shut up? And at the end of the episode, she's suddenly very aware of Mark's feelings and then does the macho-manly thing and asks "She's not going to cry every time, is she?" That was so out-of-character for Callie, I feel like they are trying to butch her up, not appearance-wise but character-wise. Either that or the writers watched too much 'The L Word' in preparation and thought that if a character turns gay/bi, then it's perfectly normal to change that character around 180 degrees like they've done it with every other character on TLW.
• Lexie apologized to George and I thought 'WTF?'. I agree that she takes things too personally, but he treated her badly and she shouldn't take that.
  

What I want to see in the next episode:

• Some more closure between Erica, Callie and Mark, especially if Callie will hang out and be friends with Mark. I can't see how that's not going to hurt Erica unless they address the situation and talk about it. A real apology from Callie wouldn't hurt either.
• More scenes with Owen and Cristina!
• Bailey being Bailey - 'cause that's enough to make me happy.

Favorite Quote:

"When I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor, and they said that I needed glasses. I didn't understand that, it didn't make sense to me because I could see fine. And then I get the glasses, and I put them on, and I'm in the car on the way home and suddenly, I yell ... because the big green blobs that I've been staring at my whole life, they weren't big green blobs, they were leaves, on trees! I could see the leaves, and I didn't even know I was missing the leaves, I didn't even know that leaves existed! And then - leaves! You are *glasses*. I am so gay, I am so, so, so gay, I am extremely gay!" (And that was so beautiful! Can you imagine being someone's glasses?)

Favorite Moment:

The final scene between Cristina and Owen in which Owen tells Cristina about the ambush and his unit. (*Gasp* I know, not a Callica scene!)

In case you haven't noticed, I added a new gadget to the right, the LJ Erica & Callie community are doing a great letter campaign! Join in if you love Callica as much as I do. (Okay, join in if you love Callica, you don't have to be as obsesses as I am. That wouldn't be healthy!)

Got Hope? Harvey Milk

I really hope that this movie opens in theatres here, even though I doubt it.



A few days before the election there was a newspaper article about homosexuality in politics and how there are out politicians in only two of the five parties. The article also talked about one party in particular, the 'ÖVP' - liberal conservatism, liberal when it comes to economic topics - which has several LGB members who are simply not out (no names were mentioned, but they had a source from within the party). While this is no surprise to me, I still hate the fact that if they were out and if we had a real discussion about gay rights, the situations in Austria could already be different.

In Austria, gay bashing and people being killed because they are gay doesn't happen often. The discrimination is more subtle and while people say the PC things they feel differently and if you get into discussions with them then their real opinion is often revealed. Homosexuality is still a social stigma and apart from being out and proud, there isn't much I can do about this. I think that changing laws can lead to a change in the public opinion and I think if LGB politicians within the ÖVP were more open, the position of the party in general might change as well.

I was genuinely surprised when I was at home a few weeks ago and my dad told me "I want you to have children. I don't know how, but I want that to happen." My parents think that having children is one main mission in life and my dad gave up some of his goals in order to be there for us kids. He was always very involved and while my parents were strict and expected us to live by the rules, they also were loving and definitely gave us many opportunities that other children don't have. When I came out to them over two years ago, they were shocked and it took them some time to deal with it, but they immediately told me that they loved me no matter what. At that time, I was still toying with the idea of having 4 kids and my mom told me "Well, this idea of having 4 kids id dead now." When I told her that I still wanted kids, she made it clear that she thought a child should have a father and a mother. And now they are telling me they want me to have kids, even if it means that these kids will grow up without a father. I am proud of them and the fact that they have evolved enough to see that I haven't changed since I came out to them. I am still the same person and if they thought I should have kids before they knew and they think so again, this shows how much having a LGBT-child can change someone's opinion. (The fact that I don't know whether I even still want kids is a whole different story and might come with a different post one day.)