Unplugged - Berlin edition

In about half an hour, I'll be leaving for Berlin. With the two friends who I felt didn't care about me. We talked a few days before Christmas and I told them what I felt like and they admitted that they didn't really have enough time. I didn't get a real apology, which bugged me a bit, but at least they were able to see my side of the friendship struggle that I've been going through. For them, the fact that we weren't talking often (more like every 2-3 weeks) did not mean that we weren't as good friends anymore and they didn't think that I would have trust issues just because of that. Well, I do, that's just how I am and has a lot to do with my past experiences with friendships. So we are going to use this trip as a way to reconnect and I think that I'll have fun.

I haven't really been posting much in the last few days, mainly because of the holidays and because I was constantly on the phone with this one very special person in my life. I know that I'll miss hearing her voice for 4-5 days, but I'll survive. It's my own damn fault, so I have to suck it up and try to still have fun even though I'll miss her.

I don't have any posts written/scheduled, so I'll probably update either on the 2nd or the 3rd of January again. Expect lots of pictures of Berlin and New Year's Eve.

I wish you guys a Happy New Year and we'll 'see' each other in 2009!

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Eartha Kitt.

Since I basically make the rules for this, this week's crush is not one single person, but a whole show. In the last year or two, I've been excitedly following all the new vlogs and shows on AfterEllen. One that made me very happy when it returned for season 2 was 'B.J. Fletcher Private Eye'. The series won AE.com Web Series Contest in May and therefore has been posted on AfterEllen as well as the official website.

I just really like the funny cases, the great chemistry between the cast and the silly, light comedy that sometimes gets spiked with just a little bit of drama. Lindy Zucker and Dana Puddicombe are great to watch as BFF's and I'm still kinda hoping that they will eventually end up together, because they just work so well. This week's episode especially appealed to me because it took a more serious turn when BJ's father unexpectedly dies.

I definitely look forward to more great episodes and am really glad that amazing lesbian entertainment, which doesn't only focuse on the fact that the main characters are lesbians, is available online. You can support 'BJ Fletcher' at their website by buying funny tshirts (damn import tax) or donating.

Christmas Tree

Before (a small tree this year, with the economy and all....):

After (yes, already with presents, because I'm exited):

We're off to church in a bit, I might post pictures with the candles burning tomorrow.

Update:

Merry Christmas everyone!

You better watch out, you better not cry

I put up our nativity manager a few nights ago.

It has been in my family probably since WW1.

It did not get destroyed or lost in WW2, which is pretty amazing.

You're actually supposed to put baby Jesus in on the night of the 24th,
but I wanted to show it to you both ways.

What the eff?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

An actual post on this by the amazing Malinda Lo.

I have nothing to say

In the last few days, I've been in a very strange/mute mood. I don't really know why. I guess it partly has to do with the fact that it hit me full force that the girl I really, really like a whole lot lives so far away that I won't be able to even 'sort of' celebrate Christmas with her. I would love to watch her unwrap the present to see her reaction. Or just look into her eyes and tell her how I feel about her. That alone would make me feel better. Or it might not. It might just make me miss her even more. *Le sigh*

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Amy Poehler.

Even though this is still more than true, I figured I need to get over myself and so here we go again! Lisa Edelstein thoroughly impressed and engraved herself in my mind in her role as Cindy McCauliff, a transgendered client on 'Ally McBeal'. I don't have any transgendered friends, so I don't know how realistic the storyline was, but her portrayal of the character and the character's struggle with coming out as transgendered never left my mind. I was more than happy to find out that Edelstein played Dr. Lisa Cuddy on 'House M.D', which I started watching for numerous reasons, her being one.

I have a thing for women in power. Her outfits are definitely appreciated, although I sometimes think she is painfully thin (Is saying this just as sexist as calling someone 'thick'?). I absolutely love the chemistry between House and Cuddy and how Lisa plays Cuddy as a strong and confident, yet at the same time vulnerable woman. I can't wait to see how their relationship will further develop.

I miss her

All. The. Time. How is that even possible? I'm a big girl, I've been single all my life, I was able to be on my own. Now, the only time that I don't miss her is when I talk to her on the phone. Which is probably something that will make us both incredibly broke. And still, I miss her constantly. I just can't stop thinking about her.

Health and Aging

Something happened in a conversation with my girl recently that got me thinking. I was coughing and she was worried that I was ill and I had to laugh, which made her ask why I was laughing. The thing is, health has always been a big issue in my life. I was ill a lot when I was little and I can still remember all the doctor's visits, the medication and my mom bringing me tea in the middle of the night because I was coughing so much.

I'm not saying that to make anyone feel sorry for me. I was a smart kid and I soon realized that when I was ill, I got far more attention. We were three kids and my mother worked and so attention from her was something that I did seek very actively. I knew that when I was ill or something was hurting me, she would pay attention to me and take care of me, so I know now that I used that. In the past years, my parents often joked that in the morning, the first thing my mother did was ask me how I was and if I said that I was fine and didn't complain about anything, she knew that I was really ill. Because there was always something wrong or something to complain about. I have tried and am still working on not using my health as a way to get attention. I often get asked about it because I'm never just healthy, I always have a cold, mainly because I have all kinds of allergies, but I try to play it down. I've learned to live with them pretty well and while I always carry my medication with me, I only need it about five to ten times a year.

I think part of me was laughing because I'm just done with this subject. I deal with it, I try to stay healthy, but I'm finally at the point where health isn't an issue anymore and where I really rather not talk about it because I don't want to slip back into my old patterns. It's so easy to slip back into those patterns and while I sometimes feel comfortable talking about it, I just don't want it to be an issue.

I can clearly remember that when I was 10 years old, we had a written German test on a type of text that I really didn't like and had a hard time writing. I figured that if I was ill, I wouldn't have to go to school and wouldn't have to write the test. I started coughing two days before the test and actually fell ill. I made myself sick on purpose. I felt really bad about it afterwards, but it didn't stop me from making myself ill on purpose again a few times over the years. Some of you might think that you can't make yourself ill, but trust me, you can.

On the other hand, my health also was a pretty good indicator on how I was psychologically. When I was around 15-16, I had constant stomach aches for almost a year. There was no medical reason, except maybe food allergies, but looking back I think that I was struggling with being gay and being/coming out and I wasn't admitting it to myself. At that time, I also 'discovered' my mother's mortality. I think for most kids, their parents are somewhat superhuman and invincible. I know that I always thought my mother was very strong and that she could deal with everything. At 15, I realized that she was human like everybody else and when I visited her in the hospital after her first surgery, I was so shocked to see her lying in her bed, clearly not invincible at all. She is fine and healthy now, but at that time I didn't know whether she would be and I couldn't process the facts about her illness and mortality rates,... Up to this day, I hardly ever talk about it. There are very few people in my life who know about that and most are people who had been in my life at that time. I recently told one friend about it and she made it about her story and herself, which hurt me immensely.

Coming home now, I realize and see how my parents have aged. Because my brother is almost 10 years older than I am, my parents are 'old' parents to me. They age, it's a fact of life, but it hurts to see it so clearly. I think the fact that my mother was so seriously ill when I was a teen impacted me in a way that I am just trying to deal with now, so many years later. I try not to worry about her and I tell myself that she is healthy and that the chances that I have the same defect in my genes are slim. But I still think about it more than I would like to.

That's a bunch of stuff on health. Because apparently, it still is more of an issue than I would like it to be.

Shopping with my mom

Sunday Night

Her: Do you want to go shopping tomorrow?
Me: Yeah, but I want to look for stuff on my own. You won't be attached to my hip all the time, will you?
Her: No, that's fine, I'll need about 2 hours.
Me: Okay, that's enough time for me to find something.

Monday afternoon

Her: Can you help me chose something for dad?
Me: [Sigh, rolls eyes] Yeah.

After we bought something for him, I wanted to check whether they still had a certain jacket in this one store, they didn't. I didn't even really want to buy one, but apparently I had to try on jackets in two different stores until she believed me that I didn't even really want one.

Her: Can you help me buy the things for your sister?
Me: [Double sigh] Yes.

We end up buying nothing for her because they didn't have the game she wanted and my mom wants to buy the other stuff at another store.

Me: Can I go look for presents on my own now?
Her: Yes, I'll go to the supermarket. Do you want me to buy chocolates for the christmas tree?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Then you'll have to join me, I don't know which ones you want.

We've been buying the same kind since I can remember. So, as you can imagine, I was completely unable to even *look* for anything on my own. I think that she probably wanted to know what I would buy for whom, because she's so curious it physically hurts her not to know something.

The next day I spent three hours looking at presents with a friend of mine and I still haven't bought anything, because I just can't decide. So it's shopping hell again tomorrow for me. Wish me luck!

Snow

What I love about winter.

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Camille from 'When Night is Falling'.

It just feels wrong to think of other women right now. After having talked to my girl for three hours on the phone, I can really only tell you that she is my weekend crush. And if you knew her, you'd know why. She is amazing, has a beautiful voice and makes me all giddy inside.

"You're good with people"

That's what a friend at university, Miss L, told me about two weeks ago. I couldn't stop myself from laughing, because that's probably the last thing I would say about myself. I've been thinking about her comment, wondering why she would say that. I know that she wouldn't say it unless she meant it.

People are quick to judge others. What surprises me is how easily they offer their judgment to others. I form opinions as well, naturally, but I usually keep them to myself. I know that there are certain people that I will never get along with because we are simply different, but that doesn't mean that I don't like them. I'm just indifferent. I can get annoyed by other people's behavior, especially if they are being mean, but that doesn't mean that I'll let everybody else know how I feel. I don't like all the gossip and the talking about people who aren't there to defend themselves. Last year, I had a huge disagreement with a friend of mine. She did something that truly hurt my feelings and I told her that I didn't want her to contact me because I didn't trust her and probably never would again. Up to this day, I haven't told anyone what had happened. I told one friend, who doesn't know her, that I had a fight with a friend of mine and that she had hurt my feelings and lost my trust, but I never said what she had done. Last week, I met another friend who had been contacted by that person and when that friend asked me about our fight, I told her that I didn't want to hear from her, but I didn't say why. There are always two sides to every story and she has every right to tell her side but I'm not going to talk badly about her just because she hurt me. What she did to me shouldn't affect her relationship to other people, unless it had something to do with them, which it didn't.

I hate it when people trash-talk others. I get that not everyone can be friends, but that doesn't give you the right to talk badly about others. I'm not going to say that I never do that, but I usually talk about how their behavior affects me. I hate when someone trash-talks another person they hardly even know. How can you judge someone after having talked to them for five minutes? Sometimes I wonder whether people realize that their disapproval can be easily seen on their faces.

Last night, Miss L and I talked again, about her comment, and I told her a few tidbits from my past. In junior high and high school, I was the outsider, no surprise here. I already had a very distinct sense of fashion, which meant that I refused and still refuse to wear something just because it is trendy. I was never among the cool kids and that made me an easy target for bullies. It never was as bad as it can get, but I got made fun of plenty. That is a part of my past that I hardly ever talk about. I know that I'm an outsider and I probably always will be to some extent, because I have a very hard time fitting in and I refuse to change myself just to fit in. I'm mostly okay with that and I carry being special with pride. But the fact that I was bullied is something that I want to bury in the past.

Miss L said that when you go through something like that you lose all trust in people. I have never thought about my past this way and I think she's right. I generally don't trust people. There is not one single person in my life (IRL) who knows everything that's going on right now. Once I trust someone, they can learn a lot about me in a short period of time, but that privilege can be lost easily as well. I try not to depend on others too much and I think this whole people-in-my-life-not-caring-thing has hit me as hard as it did is because I did trust them. They know a lot about me and if they wanted to it would be fairly easy for them to hurt me. Letting someone in makes you vulnerable.

I was at the Christmas party of the student organization I work at tonight and out of the approximately 50 people I knew 3. I mainly tried to stay close to one of them and talk to them, because most people at the party knew at least some people fairly well. At times I just stood there, looking around, not talking to anyone. I have a hard time making small talk and when people talk to someone they know I will not get into the conversation. At one point, the 'host' took pity on me and made me take part in the game of the night. The goal was to find out who the nickname on a piece of paper referred to, ask them for their riddle/exercise, solve the riddle/do the exercise and in return get a 'password' from them. There were 7 nicknames and when you had all the passwords you got a prize. I didn't take part in the game at first because I didn't know any of the people the nicknames could have referred to and so I saw no point in trying to figure it out, because I couldn't have solved it on my own. The host paired me up with this girl who I actually had known before but who didn't remember me and together we were able to get all the seven passwords. I had no problem walking up to the people to ask for the riddle, because I knew what we would talk about. What I am completely unable to do is start talking to someone I don't know because I won't know what to talk about. Small talk isn't a great option when they know enough other people to have an interesting conversation with. At one point I was so frustrated and bored that I just wanted to leave, which I guess showed because that's when the host made me take part in the game. And this is exactly why I know that I'm not good with people.

But I understand why someone else would think that. Because I don't trash-talk others, I am friendly and nice and am interested in what other people tell me. I just don't trust them and won't tell them anything meaningful about myself. I've also generally stopped talking about films, tv-shows and actresses because people are just not interested and I'm tired of them letting me know through their body language that they don't care. If people don't know you well they have a hard time judging you based on anything else than appearance and your behaviour. When someone judges me now based on my style it bounces right off. I've grown confident in my style and I will only wear clothes that I feel comfortable in. As I'm friendly, there is no reason for anyone to be mean based on that. I've learned to blend into the background well enough so no one will care enough to bully me anymore. People won't notice or remember me if I don't want them to. And that saddens me a bit.

On a side-note: I realize that the older you get, the less likely someone will openly make fun of you. Bullying is something that openly happens when growing up, but there are so many ways in which adults can let you know how they truly feel about you that I am glad that I know how to not appear on anyone's radar.

2008 AfterEllen Visibility Awards

I love how interactive AfterEllen is. Not only do people comment on and discuss articles and blog posts, members also get to vote on the hot 100 and this year on certain categories of the AE Visibility Awards. In the first round we nominated people in different categories and in the second round, the nominees with the most mentions are up for voting. I nominated Sarah Warn as 'Lesbian/Bi Woman of the Year', but I guess most people didn't think of nominating the AE staff (except in the 'Couple of the Year' category).

I found it really hard to vote in certain categories, mainly because I didn't know all nominees. House is nominated as 'Best Scripted Series on Broadcast TV with Regular or Recurring Lesbian/Bi Characters (American)' and I love House, but how they treat Thirteen's bisexuality doesn't score any gay points with me. I absolutely love Melissa Etheridge, but she wasn't as visible this year as the other three bands. And then they make me decide between Ellen DeGeneres, Rachel Maddow and Wanda Sykes as 'Lesbian/Bi Woman of the Year (American)'. I think I know why they let us vote on these categories - it's just too hard for them to decide ;-).

My favorite categories? 'Lesbian/Bi Woman of the Year (American)'

'Lesbian/Bi Couple of the Year (American)'

• Bridget McManus and Karman Kregloe
• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi - I voted for Ellen and Portia because they got married this year and because Ellen is so visibly gay this year
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
• Rachel Maddow and Susan Mikula,

and 'Best Straight Ally'

• Brooke Smith
• Eden Riegel
• Jennifer Beals
• Keith Olbermann
• Tina Fey.

I think that list isn't even complete, but choosing just one best straight ally is so hard. I mean that special comment that Keith Olbermann gave was without a doubt absolutely amazing. Brooke talking about how hot Sara is and that she wanted her character to be gay? So genuine and cool. Tina Fey making funny comments on lesbians and Jennifer Beal's amazing speeches? How to choose?

I can't wait for the results to be published December 18th, that's for sure! So if you haven't, go over to AE to vote and let your voice be heard!

"It's okay to be afraid"

There is this interesting concept that fear is a legitimate emotion. Pretty new to me. It seems that you should allow yourself to be afraid, but you shouldn't let the emotion control your life. I realized today that I have no real way of dealing with fear. I can deal with heartache and anger and frustration to some extent, but fear? It makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep all day and spend all night in front of my computer. Which doesn't help the situation at all. Fear numbs me and makes me inactive and I need to find a way to deal with fear, because it's not going to go away anytime soon. I don't know what will happen in the near future and the uncertainty is killing me, but the fear is even worse. I fear taking a wrong decision. I fear that outside forces will deter me from doing what I want to do. I fear that even though I want to change my situation, I won't be able to. After therapy today, I actually felt like I could deal with the fear. I felt like I could look into my options and do something.

Unfortunately, I got an email today that pretty much made me panic right away. I had the option of moving to New Orleans to go study at UNO and was trying to get information on that. I think I would have probably loved it there, because we have what feels like family there and I could have lived with them. But it seems that it's not really an option. The undergraduate degree would take about 4 years and even though I took classes here, it would probably only save me one semester. My grades aren't great and I'm not even sure if I would be able to study there. The state only grants student visas for two years and there is just no way that my parents can afford four years of me studying in New Orleans. So right now I want to cry and am fighting off a panic attack. I have no idea what I'm going to do and I can already see myself staying here, finishing another two years of university just because I have no alternative. Which would suck majorly.

The highlight of my day? I finally got to talk to my girl, you know, the special one, on the phone. We chatted for hours yesterday and it felt so good just talking to her. I can't believe how good one person can make you feel. So we decided that we would try to talk on the phone and tonight, we finally did. I was so nervous it wasn't even funny anymore, but she was too, so I guess it was okay. I was actually shaking, which in total might have happened to me three or four times before. It was amazing and a bit embarrassing all at the same time. She wrote some really beautiful poems and I had that dream in my head that kept replaying that I wanted to tell her about. It sounded great in my head, but it didn't really come out right. I'm going to give it another try and share it y'all.

We were finally able to arrange for you to come visit. I'm nervous and I keep checking my room to make sure everything is tidy and in perfect order. As I drive to the bus stop, my hands shake and are sweaty because I'm that nervous. I wait along with some other people and as the bus finally arrives, my heart starts beating faster. You get off the bus and look tired from the long drive, but the minute you see me you smile and I know I do too. We hug and it feels like this should have been there all along. It feels like the missing part finally fell into place and now we can really meet. I bought you flowers, a bouquet of yellow, orange and green, because red roses would have been too uninspired. I ask you about the bus drive as I take you back to the apartment, but for most of the ride, we hold hands in silence because we still can't quite believe that that day has finally come.

That's what I'm thinking of right now. The email came after our phone conversation, so it almost made my happiness over talking to her go away, luckily only almost. I wanted to tell her some things but nothing came out right. Is that what falling for someone hard means? That the connection between your brain and your mouth gets disturbed by your pounding heart? It feels good, but so embarrassing at the same time.

Brooke awesomeness times three

This weekend, I watched three movies with Brooke Smith in them. Before you ask, yes, I watched them just because Brooke was in them. I am that kind of a fan girl. The crazy-obsessed kind. Just kidding, I just enjoy discovering her work.

The first movie I saw was 'Vanya on 42nd street', which was actually more of a theatre play than a movie. They filmed actors doing theatre, but the cameras were on stage too, so the perspective was not really from the audience. According to Wikipedia, the actors rehearsed the play to better understand Anton Chekhov's play 'Uncle Vanya'. It was definitely a very interesting and rare way of making a movie. Brooke played Sonya, a young woman who was madly in love with a man who doesn't even notice her. Among the cast were Julianne Moore and Wallace Shawn, who we all know from The L Word's notorious 'Inconceivable' quote-fame (Yeah, I totally made that word up, sue me!). The general feel to the movie was very sad and despaired, but the pace and the great acting make it a special experience. I probably wouldn't have watched it if Brooke hadn't been in it, but afterwards I was glad that I did.

On the same day, I also saw 'Iron Jawed Angels', which had an amazing cast. The movie mainly deals with suffragettes and the life story of Alice Paul. I don't want to give too much away, I mean I guess the ultimate ending to the story should be pretty clear to everybody - if not, read a book, really, just any book, you clearly need it!! - but there was one scene that I found incredibly beautiful and hot at the same time. Hillary/Alice, in a bathtub, thinking about the man she loves, pleasuring herself. And that's all I'm going to say.

I found the picture on the official website of the movie, just so you know. The cast consists of Anjelica Houston, Frances O'Connor, Lois Smith (not Brooke's mother), Molly Parker, Patrick Dempsey and the incredibly beautiful Julia Ormond. I loved the movie because it was full of strong women fighting for their rights and the fact that it's a true story makes for a good learning experience.

Sunday, I watched Getting Off aka Remembering Sex, which was easily the strangest of the three films. Also very sad, the main character is so different to the suffragettes that I squirmed through parts of the film. Again, I don't want to give anything away, the movie was good, but not very encouraging for the female population, IMO. Brooke was pretty amazing, as she always is and like in the first movie, her character was in love with her best friend who didn't love her back the same way because he was gay. Unfortunately, she had short hair in that movie. Not the best look, as much as I love her, but it just doesn't suit her. At all.

Caring

I don't need constant attention. I don't need to be the center of attention. Heck, there are numerous situations in which I'd rather not be the center of attention, in a group of people just to mention one. I like to think that I have a healthy dose of self-centeredness, meaning that I can put myself before others to protect myself. I have no problem listening to someone talk or tell a story. But if I'm having a conversation with you and just with you, I want it to be a dialogue. Not a monologue, a dialogue. If you tell me a story that takes time or update me on what's going on in your life or need to vent, by all means, I will listen. But a conversation can't just be about you.

If you give me the impression that you want to spend time with me and then don't ask me one single question about myself, I will get the impression you just want to spend time with me so you can listen to yourself talk. If I need to be the one who starts to talk about myself, I will feel like you don't care. I was brought up to think that it is disrespectful to just talk about yourself. If you ask me a question, let's take 'How did you come out?' as a completely random example, I will tell you about myself, but I will also be interested in your experience and will ultimately ask you the question back, because it is the polite thing to do AND because I want to know.

If you want to talk about yourself and solely yourself, buy a diary or start a blog. Because if you don't show interest in me, I will ultimately start to retreat. I can only take indifference for so long. The problem is that I can't make you care. If you don't care, you don't. If I tell you to care, you will only do so because I told you to. So please, don't waste my time. Either you care and you show it, or you will lose a friend. It will take time and you will one day wonder, 'what happened to her?', but you won't know because there is nothing I can do about your indifference.

Then there is this other thing: When I'm hurting, I will expect you to ask why. If I don't want to talk about it, I will tell you. But when I'm hurting, I want it to be about me. I want it to be about my feelings. I don't want to hear about you in that moment because *I* am hurting. I think I was probably around 13, maybe even younger, when we learned something very valuable in school. When a friend is in a difficult situation and is hurting, you shouldn't make it about yourself. I think that the example that was used was that the person had a fight with its sibling and wanted to talk about it. We played through two different scenarios: One in which we started talking about our own siblings and how we always fight. The other in which we ask about our friend's feelings and how the fight could be resolved or something like that. I don't remember the subject or which teacher we talked about this with, but I will forever remember the lesson. There are problems that can be solved by bringing your own experiences into the equation. But sometimes, it is better to just focus on the other person and by talking to them about their feelings, helping them. It will make the other person feel better when you inquire about their feelings, because they will see that you care and that you want to help, even if you can't offer a solution.

Now the question I have to ask myself is: What do I do when my friends don't care? As I said, I can't make them care. Do I cut off all contact? Do I slowly retreat? I've stopped investing a lot, because I can't invest when nothing is invested in me. And I'm not talking about mere acquaintances here. I'm talking about friends who've known me for over a year and who once seemed more interested in me. Maybe my memory serves me wrong and they never were. But lately I've been really noticing the lack of interest and it hurts me, because they send me mixed signals. On the one hand, they want to spend time with me. But when we actually meet, it's all about them. And right now, it's not as if there wasn't anything going on in my life. It's not like I don't have anything new to tell them about. But I'm not the person to force myself onto others. If they don't show interest, I will assume that they aren't interested and therefore won't 'bore' them with my life. I had a conversation in which I told one of them about something very new in my life and her reaction was 'You never tell me about stuff like that'. I was actually pissed at her for saying that, because, as I replied, 'Well, this is the first time that I've made this experience and this happened a day ago, so I would say that I am telling you about it.' She should have known me well enough to know that this was new.

Le sigh. Once again, I'm asking myself: What will I do?

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Allison Janney.

I've been a member of AfterEllen for 5 years 48 weeks as of today. That is long, considering that according to wikipedia, Sarah founded AE in April 2002. At first I mainly visited the boards, but I started reading the articles on shows that were on in Austria too after a while. I remember the site having no ads and no vlogs and no blog, just Sarah writing about stuff that interested her.

I think what Sarah did is pretty amazing - she missed a news site on lesbian entertainment and decided to create it herself. To say that her endeavor was successful is an understatement. A brothersite, AfterElton, was created in April 2005 and in 2006, Logo bought both sites, leaving Sarah as an executive producer at Logo and the editor in chief of AE. AfterEllen supports lesbian and bisexual artists, giving them a chance to be discovered by 700,000 readers a month.

Sarah is definitely a woman I look up to. She was able to transform her hobby into her daytime job. She is compassionate, intelligent - Harvard alumna!! - and witty. In short, Sarah Warn rocks!

Writing from the heart

Okay, so I'm neither a literary genius nor the most creative writer. But I decided to try something new and different to improve the quality of my stories. From writing this blog, I know that when I write from the heart and am truly feeling something, my writing seems to be way better. So I wrote some semi-autobiographic one-shot from Erica's perspective. I was really uncertain about posting it, especially since all feedback would eventually also be feedback on me and my life/experiences, not just my writing. After having someone read it and tell me it's good, I decided to go along and post it. The feedback I've been getting so far is pretty amazing. Burningeden, who is probably the best writer in our Callica-community, wrote me this:

This is absolutely gorgeous. There's no other word for it. I am amazed!
I loved the dialogue, that little twist at the end, and all of it. Simply marvelous work! Kudos! Please write more ... you're incredible. :)

I'm completely blown away. I mean, she reads what *I* write? I feel like I'm not even worthy of her time and attention and then she leaves me this comment? Totally made my day! Anyways, now I need to find a way to write about something I haven't gone through and keep up the quality. Wish me luck with that!

What is wrong with my head?

Emotional rollercoaster, anyone? Remember the highly successful therapy session I had two weeks ago? It didn't take me long to come crashing down after this, to be exact it took only about 5 hours. I mentioned it in the post, blaming it on the sugar, but I guess that it wasn't just that.

I get super-excited and happy about something and inevitably come crashing down again. The better I feel, the harder I will crash. Mostly, reality kicks in at some point and I am left with a more realistic view of things. Today I wanted to talk to who feels like my only real friend right now and I couldn't reach her. Silly, I know, because she has her own life and she doesn't sit next to the phone, waiting for me to call. Usually, when I don't reach her, she'll text me back to tell me to try calling again or when she's finished with her classes or something. Today, she didn't. It made me realize that I depend on her too much. About two years ago, I swore to not depend on one person solely, because that hardly ever ends well. But there was no one to call tonight, so I pretended that I was fine and did my thing to try and make myself feel better.

I talked to two friends at class today, telling them about my plans to stop studying here and move away. I told them about an option that had arisen, but that wasn't anywhere near to certainly coming true. Both were excited for me, even though they were sad that I was leaving. I fended off their excitement, almost overwhelmed. I can't have them get excited over something that might not happen, because it will be disappointing enough for me. I can't handle thinking that they will be disappointed as well, even though they would be disappointed for me.

I'm trying to figure out what I really want. What is it that I really want to do right now? I thought that I would enjoy being an au-pair and that it would be a great experience, but when I got there it wasn't. One huge part was that the chemistry with the family and especially with the mother simply didn't work. But another part was that as I got there and started living that life, I realized that it wasn't for me.

When I started to study, I knew that this was only my second interest. My passion is Hollywood, no doubt about it. I thought that I couldn't study anything that would get me there so I studied the next best thing, thinking that I would enjoy it. I got here and got settled in and while I love living with my roommates and being independent, the studies aren't the right thing for me.

I fear that I'll try my hand at something new and different and won't like it either. What if I can't find what will make me happy? What if I can't be happy, even if I have all I need to be happy? Am I unhappy because of the situation I am in? Or am I the problem? At times I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Why do I keep flying so high over something only to come crashing back soon after? Is the high worth the crash? As I'm crawling around, picking up the pieces, I think it isn't. But is there any way to avoid the crash? Because when I'm in that moment, I can't avoid the high. It feels too good.

Sagittarius, born November 30

Sagittarians are positive people; they have a bright outlook on life, are enterprising, full of energy and vitality. Versatile, adventurous and eager to expand their range beyond the comfortable and familiar. They enjoy travel and exploring, and their minds are continually searching for new experiences. They are ambitious, optimistic folk, and nothing seems to get them down. They are idealists, and this seems to keep them going even when life disappointments crop up and smash their plans. "To keep on, keepin' on" is a Sagittarian way of life. They have a tendency to get over zealous when they are interested in something. They are believers, and what they believe in, they are willing to fight for. They are both loyal and independent at the same time. They manage to balance both traits. (via Elore)

I love to travel and I try to stay positive, but I think I'm not all that optimistic. I am very ambitious and loyal and I think I tend to get over zealous at times. I don't believe too much in Astrology, but I do think it is interesting to read about stuff like that.

Some people who were born on November 30th: Ben Stiller, Elisha Cuthbert, Clay Aiken (*grins*), Billy Idol, Ridley Scott and me.

I didn't really do anything special. Incidentally, my brother and sister-in-law were in Vienna this weekend so they stopped in our hometown for lunch. In the afternoon, we played two rounds of Scrabble, because I love that game. I totally kicked my parents' asses by laying a 7-letter-word as the first word!! That's a 50-point bonus for those of you who don't know the rules. Fun times!

So happy birthday to everybody who shares this day with me! May all our wishes come true!

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Lauren Graham, who I love.

How I didn't stumble across this singer sooner is a mystery to me. I can't recall hearing any of her songs on the radio before and I'm glad that I did discover her this week. I saw a video of Pink at the American Music Awards, performing 'Angel' with Sarah McLachlan. The song is beautiful and their version of it was too.

Her songs are the perfect background music for serious conversations or just to listen to when I lie in bed at night. Now that I've looked into her biography, I found out that she sang 'Answer' for the movie 'The Brave One'. 'Answer' is a beautiful song, but to me, songs in movies are so much part of the film that I don't pay attention to them separately.

Sarah McLachlan has won eight Juno Awards and was nominated for 21 (!!). She has also won three Grammy Awards, two for 'Best Female Pop Vocal Performance' and one for 'Best Pop Instrumental Performance'. Now that I've discovered her music, I will definitely continue to listen to her songs, because she has a beautiful voice and writes amazing lyrics.

Finally!

After trying for three days straight, my application for a green card finally was sent. So now all I have to do is wait until at least May to see whether I get one or not. Should I be lucky enough to get one, there are further criteria I need to fulfill and the earliest I can apply for a visa is October 1st. So the earliest I could move is in 10 months. Yeah, not exactly early.

I'm really trying to not get my hopes up. I know that the chances that I'll get a green card are slim, but right now I don't have a plan B. I'm living plan B, to be exact. And I'm miserable most of the time. I know that I should try and figure out what I want to do if moving to the States doesn't work out. But emigrating is all I want to do right now. And I'm stubborn right now.

I realize that I've been debby downer lately, so I thought I'd share something positive with you. Honestly, I feel a bit like I'm Callie. No, I didn't sleep with my best male friend (not that that exists in my life), I didn't drive the love of my life away, but I was pretty clueless. So I 'met' this girl online and we started writing messages and we pretty much hit it off right away. We're really on the same wavelength and we started talking pretty personal and serious stuff pretty quickly. I thought we were going to be best friends. If *you're* reading this right now (you know who you are) and you haven't read my message yet (which I doubt), now would be a good moment to do that.

So anyways, I was being clueless and then things were said and I started thinking about my feelings. Why do I check my messages constantly to see whether she has written? Why am I disappointed when she hasn't even though I know she doesn't have internet at home right now? Why do I want to talk to her on the phone/via skype? I've never talked to any of my online friends on the phone or via skype and yet I can't wait to hear her voice. Why does my heart skip a beat when I see that she's online? I think you know where this is going. Chatting to her today was like the final 'Duh'-moment for me. My brain tells me that this is going to be hard and that I shouldn't allow myself to feel the way I feel, mainly because she lives in America and I live here. Tiny little problem, right? My heart tells me that it doesn't care. My heart really likes her.

And that's all I'm going to say. I hope she doesn't feel uncomfortable with me writing about her, but she knows all of that and some more. I wouldn't tell you all, my dear readers, that if she didn't know. But I thought I'd share the smile that's been on my face all day.

"How do I feel this good sober?"

If you've been reading my little blog for a while, you know that I love Pink (I'm actually wearing my Pink-shirt typing this, believe it or not). I had to listen to 'Sober' exactly four times until I absolutely loved it and now that I've seen the video, I'm completely blown away.



I hate that I'm going to miss out on her next concert in Vienna. She's just so good live as well.

Could she care any less?

Jeez. I am really ticked off right now. Please tell me if I'm wrong, stubborn or failing to see the bigger picture, because right now all I am is pissed.

After not having answered her questions about how I am twice in our last conversation (Skype chat, not 'real' conversation), I thought I should at least be honest.

Her: How are you?
Me: Short answer? Still alive...
Her: so busy? or so cold?
Me: no, not really busy, I'm not motivated right now anyways. just tired
Her: ok. I'm gonna go to bed now.
Me: do that

And that was that. Before that part of the conversation took place, I had asked her whether she was at home on the weekend so we could meet. She was able to squeeze me in, because she's super-busy as always. I get that. I get that she works part-time, goes to university and has 5 million friends. But does she know that my birthday is coming up? Does she remember that the last time we talked on the phone, I was pretty f*cking beat? Does she notice that she never contacts me, I'm always the one who has to start a conversation, or else we wouldn't even have one? Does she care about me at all?

I would say that she's one of the best friends I have IRL, which probably says a lot about my IRL friends. I wonder what she would say.

I know that she has a lot on her plate and that she's busy and can't be there for me all the time. But this? F*cking unbelievable to me. If it had been the other way around, I would have at least asked whether she wanted to talk about it or whether I could do anything to help. I guess she's one of a kind to me and I'm one of a crowd to her.

Aching. Longing. Needing.

There are things in my life that I ache for. Long for desperately. Things that aren't in my life. Some of them I can name. Some, not. Sometimes I just feel like I need something. Just something. I can't pinpoint what it is and I try compensating, but the need doesn't go away.

I long for friendship in a way that it is missing in my life. I have a few good friends, for certain 'occasions', let's call it that way. I have friends who share my interests. I have friends with whom I can really discuss on an intellectual level that challenges me. I have a friend who is willing to listen to me ramble and rant and thinks that it's great I'm in therapy because it helps me. She's the only IRL friend who knows about therapy and about certain aspects of my struggle. But I don't have the one best friend. I don't have that one person that lives nearby, knows all of my secrets and lets me be me.

I long for the friendship and companionship that a best friend brings. I long for a friend with whom I can just cuddle and lay in bed and talk for hours. I crave real-life human contact. Something even the best online friends cannot provide. When I left the childishness and stupidity of puberty behind, my mother started to say that I am clingy with her. I am close to my mom and up until recently, we would talk about almost everything that was going on in my life. When I'm home, I hug her a lot and I love hanging out in front of the TV and just cuddling with her. I realize that that might be unusual at my age but it makes me feel safe the way it did when I was little. We never really grow out of being our parent's kids, do we?

With the way things are right now, I hardly ever talk to her at all. I call once or twice a week to let her know that I'm still alive, but we don't really talk. I'm starting to try and go my own way and she disagrees and this is like this huge wall between the two of us.

I'm longing to experience the things that you are supposed to experience to grow and to grow up. My therapist told me that living through a fictional TV-character isn't living. Well, what's the alternative? Not living at all? Not that living through this fictional TV-character is even an option anymore.

I don't know what to do with myself. I want my life to have meaning. I want to matter. I want someone to share my life with, whether it be a best friend or a girlfriend. I want what I do to matter. I need to fill the voids in my life, because the distractions aren't working anymore. How to fill the voids? If only I knew.

Aunt Nelfy

I'm going to be an aunt in April!! My sister-in-law is pregnant and the parents-to-be are both over the moon. Honestly, I'm hoping for a girl. I'm allowed to say that because I'll be the aunt, obviously firstly and foremost, the baby should be healthy, but a girl would be a bonus!

The sad thing is that one of my first thoughts when I heard the news was 'This time for real?'. I don't think it was THE first thought, but it was right in there. The first time I was told that I was going to be an aunt I was the first in my family to know. What happened then is not my story to tell, but I was and am still sad about the baby that never got to live. Rationally I know why things happened the way they did and I can't condemn the decision taken, I know it wasn't taken lightly. It is not my place to judge.


Still, when I heard that I was going to be an aunt, it hurt. The memory of what could have been hurt. I was sad that such a happy moment wasn't able to overshadow the past. I think once the baby is born I will be able to lay the past to rest. I didn't think that I hadn't done that a long time ago until I heard that sentence spoken again. "You're going to be an aunt." So simple, so powerful, so *life*. The beginning of it all.

Search Engine fun

I had a great laugh a while ago when I checked my blog stats. Someone landed on my blog by searching for 'Rachael Ray femslash'. Sorry to disappoint, but I've never written a Rachael Ray femslash story. Interesting idea though.

To the person who wanted to know 'Is Brooke Smith gay IRL?'. Well, no. But hey, she's very gay-friendly, so we can live with that, right? And look at her and her husband, don't they look cute and happy together?

Okay, I'll admit that this post is sort of just an excuse to post the absolutely beautiful pictures of Brooke at the Milk premiere. If you tell me you mind, then you're clearly lying!

Source: Grey's Gabble board via LJ-community

Letters to Brooke and Sara

The amazing LJ-Erica/Callie-community asked us to writer letters to Brooke and Sara to send them. So I did. I had a really difficult time writing the one to Sara because to me, the writers f*cked Callie up pretty badly and I'm angry at them and at Callie a bit too. Obviously, I didn't want to tell her that, because it's not her fault, so I wrote something different.

My letter to Brooke:

Dear Brooke Smith,

Thank you for being brave and putting so much emotion into the portrayal of one of the most *real* characters on TV, Erica Hahn.

Most people will probably say that the ‘leaves/glasses’ scene was your best and I have to agree, your acting in it was definitely Emmy-worth and just amazing. But the scenes that spoke to me even more were different ones. The first moment that made me fall in love with Erica completely was in the scene in which Erica helped Callie move into the new apartment. When you/Erica touched Callie, my heart literally skipped a beat and I felt like ‘This is real, their chemistry is real, their affection for each other is real.’ The second scene that spoke to me even more was when you/Erica watched Callie get on the elevator. The smile that you had on your face spoke louder and clearer than any words could ever have. I will always remember that moment as the ‘Cutest. Callica. Moment. Ever.’ And honestly, who hasn’t watched someone they are completely smitten with with a bright smile on their face? I know I have.

Even though it didn’t last as long as I would have wished, having two beautiful, stunning, interesting, complex, *real* female characters on TV deal with their feelings for each other made my world a better place. I know I am not the only one when I say that you have affected me in a way only very few actresses have and I am forever grateful for your courage and willingness to take on ‘difficult’ characters. The range of emotions you showed from 'bad-ass cardio goddess Hahn' to 'soft, head over heels in love Erica' blew my mind.

One thing is for sure, I will follow you and your career, no matter where it will lead us!

Your biggest fangirl in Austria,
Nelfy


My letter to Sara:

Dear Sara Ramirez!

When Callie was first introduced as a possible love interest for George, I loved how you played her as a strong woman who knew what she wanted. I didn’t like how George treated Callie and how much Callie changed throughout the storyline, even though I was always blown away by your acting talent. You were allowed to be sexy, vulnerable, angry, hurt, strong and funny as Callie and I always loved how multi-dimensional your character was.

I was so excited to see the friendship between Erica and Callie blossom. It made sense that two smart doctors who disliked the drama would strike up a connection and even though we were only allowed to see small glimpses, I was completely sold on the chemistry between Erica and Callie. Never before have I been so invested in a fictional couple – I even went so far to write fanfiction to keep me sane over the summer. Needless to say, I am very disappointed that you weren’t allowed to play Callie as ‘clingy’, because I would have loved to see that!

I will forever be grateful that you are bold and brave enough to dance in your underwear, pee naked and take off your shirt on national television. As a girl who is drawn to *real* women with *real* bodies, I will never understand how size 0 is considered attractive in Hollywood. You are so gorgeous just the way you are!

Just like with Erica, my memories with Callie will always be very bittersweet, but my admiration for you as an actress and a person will not be tainted by the network's decision. Thank you for being an ally and a friend to the LGBT community. This is just one reason why I look up to you!

Your biggest fangirl in Austria,
Nelfy

My Weekend Crush

I’m shamelessly stealing this idea from Dorothy Surrenders, whose Weekend Crush this weekend is: Emily Deschanel.

Oh my god is this woman beautiful. She has amazingly beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile. Of course, it's not just her beauty that has me captured, Liz Vassey also plays a pretty cool character on CSI. Plus, she played Nikki on 'Nikki & Nora', so we know that she's cool. But honest to god, I just want to look at her picture all day long.

I made my therapist proud today!

And in return, she put lovely reassurance and balm all over my soul. Apparently, I am very mature, know my feelings and what shaped me into the person I am today well. Well, duh. With all the time I spend in my own head, it would be sad if I didn't. She thinks I can handle my parents, all I need to do is 'be the adult I am' and 'be honest about my feelings'. Easy, breezy. Even though I have been more open with her than I've been with any other person in my life right now, she doesn't know me well yet and I guess that surprised me a bit today. In past sessions, we had talked about my friends and how I'm generally more drawn to people who are older than I am due to various reasons and I think today she understood why. Therapy is really interesting. It can be a power play at times, but today we reached a level at which we were even. I didn't cry, I only felt like crying for a small amount of time and when I left I actually felt good.

Might have also been the sugar high that I was on. I got up way too late today, my class started at 9 and I got up at twenty to 9. Yeah, too late. After class, I had to kill some time so I had a proper breakfast consisting of a hot chocolate and a pain au chocolat. Sugar high, here I come! I came crashing down hard at around 4 in the afternoon, in the middle of my accounting class. Not that much fun. I even ate lunch in between, so why the crash was that bad is a mystery to me.

Anywho, I watched 'Quantum of Solace' after class and I am thoroughly disappointed. I really liked 'Casino Royale' so I kinda expected more. Well, this movie is *not* worth seeing. I didn't even understand most of the plot and kept wondering 'What does that have to do with anything?'.

Now I'm back home and just plain tired and it's not even past 11. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight and I think this week I'll have to already do that the second time. Soul searching is hard work, y'all.

Things I'd love to do

I am trying to figure out what to do with my life and what my career plans are and so I thought I'd write it down to get it out there.

Here's a list of jobs I'd love to do:

Work ...

• ... as an editor or writer at AfterEllen.
• ... as a writer at an entertainment magazine like EW or People.
• ... in the editorial department of an entertainment show, eg on E!.
• ... in front of the camera on one of the entertainment shows, or on a talk show or a news show.
• ... as an assistent to the producer or a personal assistent.
• ... as a producer.
• ... in the marketing department of a TV-channel.
• ... as a publicist.
• ... as an event planner or a wedding planner.

I think that's it for now. Because I'm trying to look at all my options and stay positive I won't post all the reasons why I won't get the jobs that I would like to get. Believe me, that list is longer.

My eyes, my eyes!

This is a post about sex. Or rather a post about people writing about sex. I like to give warnings out right in the beginning, just in case you don't want to read this. I'm not actually going to talk about sex because that would be weird, coming from me. But I digress.

I like to know how people find my blog and recently, some of you have found me via Britnidanielle. Now before I offer the link, let me tell you a little story: I saw the link and thought, let's check this out. So I went over to her blog and got a warning that the blog was for adults only and contained adult content. Now I'm used to getting these warnings for things like lesbian kisses *gasp* so I tend to ignore them and just continue. This time though, I understand why this warning was in place.

I wouldn't consider myself to be prude. The most explicit movie I've ever seen was 'Shortbus', so yes, I've never watch a porn movie, even though Shortbus came pretty close and was almost too much for me. I'm not opposed to sex scenes in movies or TV-shows and I enjoy the written word, as in Literotica *hinthint*. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it.)

I started reading her blog and she does write pretty explicit things. What I didn't expect were pictures. Which made me want to leave and never come back. Thing is, curiosity killed the cat, right? I will admit to going back and reading some more, even though some of the stuff made *me* blush. What have I learned from this experience? Two things. One, I am certainly not a fan of the penis. Thanks, but no thanks. I am extremely gay, which made me want to wash my eyes with soap after seeing that picture (not a picture of her, obviously!).

Two, while I will probably never post anything as explicit, I find it liberating when other people do. I'm all for owning your sexuality and doing what you are comfortable with and not caring about what other people think. Even if it makes me blush.

On a side not, she thinks that I'm part of Queer Culture, how cool is that??

I saw 'Nikki & Nora' last night!!

And I can't believe this show never got picked up! I really liked the pilot and would have definitely continued watching had it been picked up! Now in all fairness, I'm not saying that this is the best show I've ever seen. But pilots aren't made to immediately make you love a show but to introduce the setting, the characters and the story. I think that that pilot was really strong and I just love that the show was set in New Orleans. The Big Easy offers such beautiful scenery! I really liked the music, I loved the chemistry between the two actresses, Liz Vassey and Christina Cox, the other characters were interesting as well. What I actually love the most was that while Nikki and Nora weren't out at work, you could always feel that they had a strong connection. Their chemistry was there, even when they were working and focused on the case.

Seeing what happened and is happening with lesbian characters on TV right now, I'm inclined to believe that it didn't get picked up because the two main characters are a lesbian couple. There are so many decisions to take when picking up a pilot and money is always one of them. Even though it wasn't a 'lesbian show', any network would probably put it in this category. What I am very happy about is that Nancylee Myatt sort of picked it up herself by including 'Ladycops' as a show within the show on '3Way'. Read Myatt's interview about 'Nikki & Nora' on AfterEllen and hop over to YouTube to watch the pilot if you haven't seen it yet!

I spend way too much time on YouTube

So I thought I'd share the pleasure:

Just in case you missed it - Melissa and Tammy Lynn were on Oprah this week! I'm still a bit puzzled or bewildered by how much Tammy Lynn reminds me of Miss J (remember, Salzburg?). They don't even look that much alike, but their gestures and mimics are so similar! I guess it really surprised me the first time I saw the video.



How cool is Rachel Maddow?



I don't even want to post this, but in order to be able to comment on it, I have to.


Why is this so difficult to understand? What is the big riddle? Thomas was born female, but always felt male. He transitioned, but kept his reproductive organs to be able to have children. Seems pretty simple to me. I can't believe the fuss they make about the baby, Susan will know that her father carried her but to her, it will be the most natural thing in the world. Kids don't think like adults do, they don't think that something is wrong/weird/strange until someone tells them that it is wrong/weird/strange. I think that Susan might feel a bit alone in the world when she gets older and begins to understand why her situation is different, but if her environment is loving than I doubt that it will have such an impact on her. People should really get over themselves and stop thinking in such rigid categories.


Last but not least - Wanda Sykes officially came out!! *YAY*